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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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My questionable life
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TreyLina Offline
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Post: #1
My questionable life

With that silly video aside, I thought it's more than about time to actually make the serious thread I was supposed to make ages ago.

Back in March 2013, I officially left school. My self-esteem was messed up. But it wasn't directly caused by anyone. I was just dissatisfied with the art I produced, and I was running out of time to be happy with it. Considering it was for a high level. I had expected people to fix the issues with the artwork I make, but I realised that rarely happens. My school did a lot of timetable adjustments for me but I knew that I was falling apart mentally by the end. I think at some point when I'd sit and waste a peroid by creating nothing I'd get very frustrated and borderline cry. That resulted me in making wierd sounds I hope no one would hear.

I don't think anyone realised how messed up I was, but I didn't want to tell either because I didn't think there'd be much point. I thought leaving school would stop me from acting this way. It sort of worked. But it was more like running away to a corner rather than confronting the real issue.

I don't think I realised by the end I was becoming borderline depressed, which was to do with all the time I realised I wasted at school, and my frustration with my work. I still barely do any artwork. I know that failure is part of learning, though when you have no idea how to fix something and no one else sees the problem, it becomes very frustrating. An artist is not necessarily their worst critic, they just have higher standards.

Though I wouldn't say school was the place for me. School was falling apart for me in Secondary 2, but it took me a while to actually realise it wasn't the place for me, and that parents don't always know best. Of course, when I considered homeschooling, they'd say I'd spend all my time on the computer.

Frustration with myself for a long while after leaving school became a trigger rather than something that happens throughout the day. The moment I realise I've done something poorly, or wasted time too much on leisure things, I get annoyed with myself. My parents pretty much enforced the feelings (by saying things like "I'm glad you realised") and did nothing much to put myself back together mentally about it. They're not the worst parents, but not the best either. They don't see my failures though. I sometimes have to hold myself from crying when people talk to me about being productive, even though they purely have good intentions. It's awkward.

Nowadays I don't think about it. Though I feel I am stuck in the same unproductive, dependent state as I was before. I don't think about planning my work because my work is creative, and forcing myself just doesn't work out very well. In school I'd have times where I'd create nothing whatsoever, or a burst of work.

I don't know where the hesitance to produce (or at least, some types of) work comes from. Though I do remember a history of it.

There's more problems to me than being unproductive. That is, I don't do a lot of management other than emptying my own bin. My Dad keeps taking it for granted and keeps doing all the chores himself. I tell him countless times that he can always ask me.

So where do I waste my time? Well....uhh, the computer. It's a habit, though I think partly the reason I got addicted to it the first place were my other failures in life. Nothing much in life was ever appealing to me much, and that has been happening more and more. I always seek the new things in life, and being accustomed to same things I see, or simply don't understand, I just drifted away. And that interaction is simply more fun than reading.

I don't expect much people to feel sorry for me. I don't like myself very much mentally. I think I am stubborn and lazy. Though when it comes to areas of art I'm not so good at, I can at least attempt it nowadays. I used to avoid drawing real people.

I am in a relationship with someone, and he has sort of tried to help me though it didn't work out much.

TL;DR: I'm an unproductive and lazy person and it's annoying.

EDIT: Oh, I did have a history of bullying, though that wore out a lot during the later years of school. I don't think it's very relevant, as I would ignore insults. I avoided people more and more.
(This post was last modified: 02-07-2014 03:15 AM by TreyLina.)
02-07-2014 03:10 AM
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 Thanks given by: xcriteria , James Comey
brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #2
RE: My questionable life

Why didnt the relationship help not work(as mentioned towards end of your post)?

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
02-07-2014 04:07 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Posts: 9,823
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Post: #3
RE: My questionable life

(02-07-2014 05:15 AM)TreyLina Wrote:  
(02-07-2014 04:07 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Why didnt the relationship help not work(as mentioned towards end of your post)?

Oh no, our relationship is fine and still going, he just doesn't know what to do about my issues reguarding productivity.

EDIT: Whoops, I thought you were asking why we broke up. His advice was to not think about it and just do it (no innuendos!)...though that doesn't work so well on the creative side of things.

Oh. The generic attempt at "helping". Not very effortful.

As for your double post, you should be able to delete it yourself(there should be a little box with an "X" in it, between edit and reply. Or go to full edit, and check the delete button)

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
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Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
02-07-2014 06:14 AM
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TreyLina Offline
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Posts: 49
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Given 26 thank(s) in 17 post(s)
Post: #4
RE: My questionable life

(02-07-2014 06:14 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  
(02-07-2014 05:15 AM)TreyLina Wrote:  
(02-07-2014 04:07 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Why didnt the relationship help not work(as mentioned towards end of your post)?

Oh no, our relationship is fine and still going, he just doesn't know what to do about my issues reguarding productivity.

EDIT: Whoops, I thought you were asking why we broke up. His advice was to not think about it and just do it (no innuendos!)...though that doesn't work so well on the creative side of things.

Oh. The generic attempt at "helping". Not very effortful.

As for your double post, you should be able to delete it yourself(there should be a little box with an "X" in it, between edit and reply. Or go to full edit, and check the delete button)
Lolll derp, I just deleted my post thinking it was the double one...but that already was deleted by a mod/admin.

I'm used to the idea that forum post options have text beside them telling what it is.
02-07-2014 08:45 AM
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TreyLina Offline
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Posts: 49
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Given 26 thank(s) in 17 post(s)
Post: #5
My questionable life

Bumping this because I don't think many read it...

Or I guess no one knows what to say.
02-14-2014 12:43 PM
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James Comey Away
Banished Oldfaf in Exile

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Post: #6
RE: My questionable life

I'm not sure what to say either to be honest.

Have you considered a therapist? Definitely sounds like what we call a state of flux. xcriteria is more familiar with this kind of stuff so I really can't say much.

Have you considered trying to make a list of short term goals?

EDIT: I can try to be more specific. It definitely seems you're in a state of emptiness right now. A period of nothing notable happening. A "dead period" shall I say. I'm going through one myself. I'll say this: perhaps consider making a list of short term goals (I know I'm redundant, please excuse that)? A list of things that you wish to accomplish, or things that you want to consider trying? It may help you learn where to go next in the often tricky game of life.

RIP GWEDIN
RIP URITIYOGI
RIP NIGHT
RIP VONUNOV
RIP WES/THEWAKE
RIP USERNAME

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Stop jerking off to porn and whining and do something about it

Make School Survival Great Again - MSSGA

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(This post was last modified: 02-15-2014 07:18 AM by James Comey.)
02-14-2014 12:48 PM
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