Officially hating school even MORE than before.

[WhatEvenIsThis]

Could not think of a better title... did not want to, anyway.
Maybe you can assume already what this is about just by reading that title, but I still want to explain a lot of shit.

It's been some time since I posted something here... I just really lack the energy for it... or anything in that case. I have just been so... lazy recently, and just so lifeless and joyless. Wait, that is what I always have been, I guess, but this time I think it is more notable.

So, again, school is so boring, it could kill me. But I will not even mention that anymore, as that is almost always my HEADLINE on everything I write.

Just the same, generally disgustingly boring days at this... asylum... if you can even call it anything close to an asylum. Fuck it... fuck it so hard.

BUT, what made me totally come back to making a thread here is what I have experienced yesterday. Probably the biggest and worst case of headaches and migraines I have ever fucking experienced in my whole life!
So what is it? Well, it was a so-called "Information day" in my school in the evening. Several near colleges and stuff like that were explained in detail... or something like that. There was actually one college that had psychology in it, too.
So I went to and listened to it... well atleast I tried my best to...
And what I had to listen here, was some of the most mind-numbing brainrapes I have ever had to experience.
So this kind of college (I do not know what it is called in your place) is not what it seems to be... you know, actually learning about one important thing. No, what it is, it is like some kind of "advancing school" or something, where despite the ACTUAL thing, appliers would STILL BE HUNTED TO THE ANUS WITH MATHS AND HISTORY AND ALL THE OTHER IRRELEVANT ASSSHIT ORIGINAL TO COMPULSORY SCHOOLING.

Actually... I was not even surprised. Hell, I was not even surprised to that next thing: the grade requirement.
So, once again, in my country it is like this: There are 6 (shitty) grades, 1 being the best and 6 being the worst.
Here, to apply for that... whatever you would call that in your country, you would have to get a grade of 3.0 as a result of dividing the combined grades of English, German language (Grammar and stuff) and Maths by three. And the funny thing: Not ONE of these three grades can be a 5, even IF you would get a grade of 3.0 as a result. Funny, right? I actually have a 5 in maths, I fucking KNOW that.

But the funniest thing: I DID NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING FROM THIS BULLSHIT!!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING, WHAT DO I EVEN HAVE TO DO!?!?!?!?!? COLLEGE BLAHBLAH, APPLYING ALL BY MYSELF DESPITE NOT EVEN KNOWING THE LITTLEST PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT I HAVE TO DO!!

Hell, even all these ALTERNATIVE ways I did not even FUCKING UNDERSTAND A LITTLE THING ABOUT. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EXPECTED TO AUTOMATICLY UNDERSTAND THE SHIT THAT AWAITS US... OR WOULD AWAIT US?! DID MY FUCKING SCHOOLMATES HAVE SOME KIND OF SECRET PERIOD WHERE THEY GET ALL THIS SHIT TEACHED OR WHAT?!

And once again, my brother showing his ignorant asshole side once again. I talk about me having problems with this th- SHIT, and he INSTANTLY starts moaning that I should "LEARN" or else I "will be a failure in life", and afterwards expects me to have "good mood", while he is the one raging while playing Call of Duty MW3 and calling everyone that kills him hackers, while also annoying the shit out of me everyday in any conceivable way, blaming it always on me...

...God, not even playing Pokemon Y has lightened up my mood recently... even though I am having a really good time genrally there...

...You know, not only has my absolute hate for school increased... but I feel like my health, calmness, patience, and passion for anything I love is decreasing every second...

...please fucking kill me.

[Ky]

I wish there was something I could do to help, but I have a feeling I can't get past all that anger.

[James Comey]

Yikes, that sounds horrible. I'm not sure what to say, and I really don't know if I'm giving the right advice.

One thing is that I think you care too much. Perhaps you need to develop some kind of apathy.

[KFC Nyan Cat]

And I thought I hated school....
My only suggestion is to stop giving school your fucks.

[Rusty Shackleford]

Oh god, I wish I could help, and I can't. I wish I could fix all your problems, I honestly do. All I can do is give you a hug and tell you that we are here with you.

[WhatEvenIsThis]

I have "cooled" down a little. So I will explain this in a way that is not so... intense.

I just did not understand anything, it is as if we were expected to know everythign about applying from the beginning, even though school has taught us NOTHING about it, even though it has taught us nothing good and important to begin with. And when so many people moan at me for not being great at school, why am I the one to blame? It is so not my fault that school is like the worst thing ever.
Well, to be honest, there are some people that actually agree with my hatred for school and how I trash-talk it... which it rightfully deserves.
I have absolutely NOTHING against my teachers, they are all very nice and friendly people, but it is just... this damn grade system... and system in general.

And you know, since so many people, SO MANY, talk endlessly about how all this is the most important thing ever, it makes me always feel for the worse in myself.
You know, I try very hard to not give any shit about this... shit, but the thing is: I can not do that, I do not have the power to just completely declare it as irrelevant, and all that because of what I mentioned before, but believe me, I try really HARD.
But well, it seems to work. Hell I can not even remember what we did in maths class today, because I psychically slept the whole class... but that is what I do a lot of times.
There are periods where I have a lot of fun, and that is just the period itself, not the subject matter, but sometimes both are fine to me.

But damn, all these times where we have to write so much shit... my wrist just hurts from all that, everyday. And then the shitty presentations that make like no sense at all... shitty exams that are good for literally nothing, other than to brag about your grade.

That shit... is just like torture. No fuck that, it is torture, and not just in the physical way, but especially in the psychical way.

BUT above all that, if there is one very good thing about these kinds of compulsory schooling is something that has not to do with the school itself...
That is the feeling when it is over, and I do not just mean altogether, but just everyday a day of school ends, that feeling is wonderful when you are looking forward to doing something and then you can be even more happier and appreciate it even more.

Yes, this kind of shit has to stop, but if there is one thing I learned, is that great things are... well, great, and can be great over a long time depending on what is great for someone. But sometimes the awful things should come, too. Because when you experience all the awful stuff you do not want to... you will love the great things even more when you get back to them. You understand where I am going? This is what I have noticed about myself, and maybe no one else has noticed it, at all.

I can be a really smart guy even WITHOUT school, which is actually the damn CASE here!

[Trar]

(01-24-2014 08:32 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  And once again, my brother showing his ignorant asshole side once again. I talk about me having problems with this th- SHIT, and he INSTANTLY starts moaning that I should "LEARN" or else I "will be a failure in life", and afterwards expects me to have "good mood", while he is the one raging while playing Call of Duty MW3 and calling everyone that kills him hackers, while also annoying the shit out of me everyday in any conceivable way, blaming it always on me...

Jesus Christ, he sounds insufferable. You think he's like our late great Stephen (hallowed be His name) or do you think he'll grow out of it?

(01-25-2014 08:09 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  Yes, this kind of shit has to stop, but if there is one thing I learned, is that great things are... well, great, and can be great over a long time depending on what is great for someone. But sometimes the awful things should come, too. Because when you experience all the awful stuff you do not want to... you will love the great things even more when you get back to them. You understand where I am going? This is what I have noticed about myself, and maybe no one else has noticed it, at all.

I remember that feeling too. It's a great feeling. The swelling of your heart during the last period is uplifting, isn't it? Of course, near the end of my period on school I usually did my homework after hours in the library. I rather enjoyed it, even if I had to put up with ignorant, sanctimonious crap like from your brother.

Perhaps you DID miss one or two small bits on college application during classes, but you're indeed not to blame for that. From what I understand about the whole presentation, it sounded pretty bad from the lack of explanation. Perhaps they meant that you needed to take certain classes in school now in order to qualify for certain classes in college? I've heard of that happening for advanced courses and prestigious schools before.

(01-25-2014 08:09 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  I can be a really smart guy even WITHOUT school, which is actually the damn CASE here!

It probably is. I wish more people understood that public schooling is NOT best for everyone!

And as for you migraines, I didn't really have many of them during my schooling but I still remember a couple of really painful ones in the years immediately after. If they happen during class, try asking to see the nurse. Pills might help, but the best course of action would probably be to leave school, at least for a while.

Good luck!

[WhatEvenIsThis]

Ok, I will admit, my brother is not always like that, but when he is playing and raging and killing my eardrums in many ways while being a hypocrite on many levels... this is some horrible shit, man

[James Comey]

Have a brother you don't get along with?

You're not alone. My brother is a massive raging hypocrite as well who needs to start a big argument out of every small thing.... honestly, he gets on my nerves.

[brainiac3397]

My sister gets on my nerves every once in a while. Unlike me, she's going through her teen years like your average bratty american teen girl.(I say American because thats my experience)

She also ignores my immense wisdom. I cant count how many times I gave her advice she didnt heed, and ended up realizing if she had heeded my advice instead of assuming my advice to be some sort of bossy command, she'd have avoided the problem altogether.

Ugh...younger siblings are just as bad.

[Gwedin]

(01-25-2014 03:54 PM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  My sister gets on my nerves every once in a while. Unlike me, she's going through her teen years like your average bratty american teen girl.(I say American because thats my experience)

She also ignores my immense wisdom. I cant count how many times I gave her advice she didnt heed, and ended up realizing if she had heeded my advice instead of assuming my advice to be some sort of bossy command, she'd have avoided the problem altogether.

Ugh...younger siblings are just as bad.

Sums my sister up pretty well. No logic -- all emotion. Bleh.

[brainiac3397]

Its funny that we get along so well, and have a pretty strong bond(unspoken bond. We dont do much of that emotional stuff with hugs and etc. Its more like a telepathic thing ), even though my logic and her emotion tends to create lots of explosive anger. She generally makes me want to shove my head through the TV, then turn it on. How many times must you be proven right for it to become pretty obvious that what comes out of my mouth is 99.99% accurate?

[James Comey]

Shit, I felt like reading this again, because, when I really see it, you are me. Not "we're facing similar situations", no. We are facing nearly identical scenarios. We're struggling with our schoolwork, and we literally have no one to turn to, so we're sucked in this kind of vortex, a vortex of indoctrination and all the other bullshit combined. I know how it feels, because I'm going through that same vortex.

Look, I may just be talking up my ass, but I think we all have to stress this to ourselves every time we're feeling like this: you're going to be fine. It seems shit has hit the fan, it seems as if your entire life is collapsing around you (perhaps that's why many of my dreams have been about earthquakes....), but remember this: you're going to be fine. Circumstances can and will change. I'm going through a lot of the same shit you're going through as well, believe me. But the thing is, times will change. Our opportunities will as well. You're not going to be in this vortex forever. You're not going to be with the same people forever as well. Your personality will evolve.

Second, I have a feeling you're introverted, perhaps you might have social anxiety, but I think you need to find someone you can talk to in person that can help you. You need someone with at least some competence to help you with these problems. It at least helps you know that someone cares, that someone will be looking out for you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to make friends, but do you have anyone you can talk to? Is it possible to try to get a therapist who is a young adult, and perhaps understands what you're going through? It might be a tall order, but it's not impossible.

Third, you say you're so lifeless and tired.... and I feel the same way. How much water do you drink? Do you feel you're eating enough? Are you getting enough sleep? I know I've not been doing any of those things either. I think both of us need to find ways to build those habits again, though school and other shit helps prevent that....

That's honestly the best I give, but I don't want for you to see your life as if no one cares. I definitely care. I know you care about my life, too. I don't want to see you wasting your life away, because of the lack of understanding to your issues. Not only are we there to help you, but I think you just have to find some people. They don't have to be in school. Once you're released from prison, you may very well be able to find true friends who understand.

EDIT: Also, how many absences do you have? I wonder: is Germany different in any way with leaves than here in the US? Brainiac just mentioned how he was taking a semester off, but he's in college. Unfortunately, that same luxury doesn't exist for high school students. Even if you can't take a leave, perhaps you can "unofficially" take a break from all the stress of schooling, start a weekend 2 days earlier, for example. I must warn you though.... taking a decent amount of time away from school makes you hate it a lot more.

[Ky]

Hansgrohe has said more here than I could this time, and I totally agree.

[WhatEvenIsThis]

Quote:Shit, I felt like reading this again, because, when I really see it, you are me. Not "we're facing similar situations", no. We are facing nearly identical scenarios. We're struggling with our schoolwork, and we literally have no one to turn to, so we're sucked in this kind of vortex, a vortex of indoctrination and all the other bullshit combined. I know how it feels, because I'm going through that same vortex.

And you are me for noticing that. I noticed it too. Seriously, this is really fucking insane. We get no choice in what we want to do, and others just can not leave us alone with our choices... atleast that is my case. I accept that they want to go to school and listen to that stuff (even though it is bullshit), really, I can accept that, but goddamnit, they should atleats leave me with MY choices alone. Some people agree with what I say, and some even support that, but like me, they do not have the enlightenment to just throw it altogether... it is all that vortex that you mentioned there.

Quote:Look, I may just be talking up my ass, but I think we all have to stress this to ourselves every time we're feeling like this: you're going to be fine. It seems shit has hit the fan, it seems as if your entire life is collapsing around you (perhaps that's why many of my dreams have been about earthquakes....), but remember this: you're going to be fine. Circumstances can and will change. I'm going through a lot of the same shit you're going through as well, believe me. But the thing is, times will change. Our opportunities will as well. You're not going to be in this vortex forever. You're not going to be with the same people forever as well. Your personality will evolve.

This is the thought I have myself, always. But it really works the best when I think of it hard enough. Whenever I see shit happening to me, it feels as if my entire days get ruined, but that thought will always "save" me. I am going to be fine... I am finally be dead someday... fuck, I did it again... curse me.

Quote:Second, I have a feeling you're introverted, perhaps you might have social anxiety, but I think you need to find someone you can talk to in person that can help you. You need someone with at least some competence to help you with these problems. It at least helps you know that someone cares, that someone will be looking out for you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to make friends, but do you have anyone you can talk to? Is it possible to try to get a therapist who is a young adult, and perhaps understands what you're going through? It might be a tall order, but it's not impossible.

Perhaps I might have social anxiety?! Fuck no, I ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY GUARANTEEDLY have social anxiety! ...sorry for that... but yeah, I am totally anxious, not only socially, but everythingly. I am very sorry for cutting that string, but I have to: Scratch that, no person is in particular helpful. Most of them might listen to me and support me in things, but they still do not understand a little shittle bit about myself... maybe because I have not told a lot about myself, which I will not even do, because I am ashamed of a lot of things... I get the feeling of faultness over literally EVERYTHING, and I sure as hell can not deal with something like that. No, screw that.

Quote:Third, you say you're so lifeless and tired.... and I feel the same way. How much water do you drink? Do you feel you're eating enough? Are you getting enough sleep? I know I've not been doing any of those things either. I think both of us need to find ways to build those habits again, though school and other shit helps prevent that....

NOTHING, NOPE AAAAAAAAAND NOPE... Exactly, school prevents me all that... even when I set my MOTHERFUCKING ALARM CLOCK AT 6:00 AM (Which I do at a DAILY BASIS) I feel fucked, I do not have enough time to eat, drink, or BREATHE. My school ALWAYS starts at 7:35 AM... it is much earlier than it feels like, believe me. I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO WAKE UP EARLY FOR A GODDAMN DAY AT SCHOOL, but believe me, I LOVE actually waking up damn early like that in a day where IT IS NOT SCHOOL, so I can actually see the sun rise, and have a morning walk... THIS would be a DREAM for me, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOPE, STUDYING GOES FIRST ...BLAH, FUCKING, BLAH.

Quote:That's honestly the best I give, but I don't want for you to see your life as if no one cares. I definitely care. I know you care about my life, too. I don't want to see you wasting your life away, because of the lack of understanding to your issues. Not only are we there to help you, but I think you just have to find some people. They don't have to be in school. Once you're released from prison, you may very well be able to find true friends who understand.

I always have these self-hate thoughts at my worst moods, and I always cared about others' lives more than myself... atleast only the people that I truly can care for, like... you and everyone and everything in this site... ok, except for people like stephen, this guy can fall in a coma for all I care. Yes, except for maybe my own class, I can find no one to like in this... shithole, but maybe in the future I can find some... and probably, just MAYBE, a girl I can really do something like actually LOVE.

Quote:EDIT: Also, how many absences do you have? I wonder: is Germany different in any way with leaves than here in the US? Brainiac just mentioned how he was taking a semester off, but he's in college. Unfortunately, that same luxury doesn't exist for high school students. Even if you can't take a leave, perhaps you can "unofficially" take a break from all the stress of schooling, start a weekend 2 days earlier, for example. I must warn you though.... taking a decent amount of time away from school makes you hate it a lot more.

I occasionally just am not in school at all, like some days every month or so, but the funny thing about myself is that whenever I just accidently wake up too late for school, my mother does not drive me to school, she just decides that I stay at home and infomr my school like I am sick or something. And I know someone is coming and telling me that I should use this to my advantage. Yeah, for the sake of not having to go to school, I could rest some days, but still, I am a honest person (most of the time) and I do not want to be some sneaky bastard... but, you know, just "not setting my clock" could work really well if ye ask me.
No, straight out, one can not take a break from a whole semester, because my school is a piece of shit... actually that applies to every school in this country I guess.

P.S.: I have another stinkin' maths exam tomorrow, which was actually going to be just a short test, but my maths teacher was all like "NAHP" or something. And as always, all my classmates were all like "our teacher told us this a long time ago". Then why the fuck did I not know about this until today? Oh... right... I was sleeping every damn maths period... what a great decision that was, and always will be for every subject I have... hell, I am not even studying right now, I just occasionally look at the shit we did last days, dazzit. I should start evolving an apathy more, that could help me throughout my whole life.

[xcriteria]

(01-30-2014 01:38 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  

Quote:Second, I have a feeling you're introverted, perhaps you might have social anxiety, but I think you need to find someone you can talk to in person that can help you. You need someone with at least some competence to help you with these problems. It at least helps you know that someone cares, that someone will be looking out for you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to make friends, but do you have anyone you can talk to? Is it possible to try to get a therapist who is a young adult, and perhaps understands what you're going through? It might be a tall order, but it's not impossible.

Perhaps I might have social anxiety?! Fuck no, I ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY GUARANTEEDLY have social anxiety! ...sorry for that... but yeah, I am totally anxious, not only socially, but everythingly. I am very sorry for cutting that string, but I have to: Scratch that, no person is in particular helpful. Most of them might listen to me and support me in things, but they still do not understand a little shittle bit about myself... maybe because I have not told a lot about myself, which I will not even do, because I am ashamed of a lot of things... I get the feeling of faultness over literally EVERYTHING, and I sure as hell can not deal with something like that. No, screw that.

Maybe some kind of group Skype call or G+ Hangout could provide an intermediate step between text-based support and "real life" interaction. It's still not the same thing as being in person, but it audio and video provides a bit of real life that text alone can't provide.

One challenge there is finding times when people can all be online at once.

It's also worth noting that a number of therapists are now open to doing Skype-based therapy sessions, which opens up possibilities beyond one's immediate local options. Again, remote is different from in-person, but it can have advantages. It would be great if we could find one or several therapists who understand these school issues, who are open to reading SS and other threads, and who'd also be open to remote conferencing.

I can do all these things, but I'm not a licensed therapist.

And sometimes, those professional credentials have their advantages... especially when it comes to credibility with parents.

The key is, though, that when therapists don't understand the systemic problems with school, and the specific incompatibility many of us have with it... and the stresses that imposes upon people, and the pressure it puts on families... and the need to find alternative paths to learning and figuring out life... I think they're a lot less effective than ones who do understand those things.

So, the question is, how to find such people, locally or remotely, and/or find ones that are open to learning about those things, and help teach them as well as benefit from their therapeutic approaches.

Another question, though, with therapists or consultants, is how to pay them... since they tend to charge.

Anyway, what do you think of those ideas?

[WhatEvenIsThis]

I have never been online on Skype, ever. Though that might be a good idea, I do not even have a webcam or a microphone. So yeah... scratch that, unfortunately.

Yes, I absolutely agree with your statement about even specialists not noticing the problems with school. Because so many people go with the many. Over the years I have always hated anything that had to be done with someone else, and I still do. I am always the strongest when I am doing things alone... that does not include ANYTHING from school, no matter what, something is ALWAYS going to mess up, and also fuck up my day when I do not really need it to.
I absolutely despise school... have I already mentioned that? I absolutely extremely fucking despise it, and I extremely despise it more when people altogether from my parents to the most people in my school think of me as troubled... in fact, I had one of the most enraging and soul-wrenching family conversations JUST YESTERDAY... I might make a thread about this, but I do not know when... maybe today or another day...

Another problem with me is how I have a severe lack of interest and passion in things... I might have already mentioned that, but another thing is that whenever I plan to do things, I almost never actually do those things. Like shitty things I have to do for school, like folders for god-forsaken presentations, of which we already get too much, I generally do not give a shit about those, but since I am forced to do it, I never actually get to do things.

But not only is that with school shit, but actually anything I like. For example, I always plan on playing Team Fortress 2 one certain day... but I never actually get to it, I always unknowingly shrug it off. But the worst thing about this is when big things are involved: Like I want to apply for the drivers license test, and I have already informed myself with the drivers license teacher, and he said that I should do some first-aid course, but the problem is I never got to do it, and I am afraid of going back to the drivers license school (the only kind of school I like) to tell him... I always fear being ashamed. I have had so many experiences where I forgot things, and I always got yelled at, especially from people like my father.
In other words, I REALLY am losing all passion for things... this is also why I always declare myself lifeless and joyless.

I am truly a fucking weird human.