Ancient Texts - by Ancient Girl
I used to be a part of this forum once... a long time ago. I was only fifteen, perhaps sixteen at the time. I'm approaching twenty-two now. A lot of things have changed. I dropped out of school. Or perhaps I got kicked out. Nevertheless, life went on, no matter how bleak things seemed at the time. I eventually went ahead and got my GED and ACT certificate through unconventional means. I've been unable to get a job for the past two years, yet I've been happy, in my own way. I have a girlfriend now, and friends that I can connect to, who support me. I didn't know it back then, but I've been recently diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, panic disorder and schizo-affective disorder. I suppose it explains a lot, retrospectively speaking. These are some of my ancient forms of catharsis; back when I was still a student imprisoned in the IB system. They might seem juvenile now, but they express the way I felt back then.
Where's your trust, where's your heart, where's your soul?
I sense a familiar feeling, fleeting, as I watch the world consume you whole.
And in the end, there's nothing but a dust bowl, barren and foul,
Where once our meadows blossomed in song to the dreams of our youth.
Those twilight fields are no more but memories of dreams you can barely recall.
On my fifteenth summer I was reborn, only to die again three years hence.
Like a caterpillar you emerged from our cocoon woven of dreams, bearing the wings of a butterfly.
I became a moth, and so we parted ways.
Drawn to the flames I began my fast life.
Watching you pass high into a heaven I could never reach.
World's apart, I still remember that summer
When together fate flung us, and for each other, we were remade
And I wonder, do you still remember, the midnight fields of our midsummer's dream?
There I kissed you, at the apex of life's maelstrom, and prepared for the fall ahead.
Never again, will I reach those heights of tranquility.
And never again, will I dream of a dream of love.
For first love, only strikes once.
And only in youth can we imagine forever.
I lay strewn across the floor of a great big theatre. The sky shone down a rusty grey through a hole in my vision.
The actors were long gone. I remained alone.
A sudden darkness entered my mind. It loomed before me, ominous and strange. I reached out to touch it, and it withdrew, shivering. A song caught between a wail and a moan escaped my lips. Had I always been this alone?
I had friends. Once. I think. So... long ago - it hurts.
Try as I might, I cannot remember their names.
My thoughts struggle in eternal battle, but the bitter victories won return only the faintest sense of familiarity. I remember fire, raging and burning. Were all my friends made of fire? A stray thought flickered somewhere on the edge of my sanity. I turned my attention towards it for but a single moment. In that moment, I felt a soothing rain descend upon me. I felt a nostalgic, forgotten warmth. The hollow edges of my body were filled out, sharp and clear. Then the moment evaporated, and I realised how dangerously close to the edge I had strayed. A waterfall of unidentifiable emotion beckoned me, and I wondered if I was ready to take the final leap? Perhaps I already had.
Bewildered, I retreated back to the edge of darkness. It seemed to wink at me.
Warily, I watched the darkness dancing at the edge of my mind.
I studied her, first methodically, then flirtatiously, stepped towards her, stepped back, and joined her in this strange evasive dance.
I sensed her unbearable loneliness, and reached out a hand to touch her.
This time, she didn't run away.
She felt cold against me. Clammy, hollow, and cold. She embraced me, swept me up in a cloak of darkness, and I no longer feared her. I became her, one yet separate. I kissed her lips of bittersweet, stared into eyes that reflected loneliness like a mirror, and swept my hands through her limp, clammy hair. She whispered my name in the night, clung to me throughout the day like a jealous lover, and I finally knew her, as my deepest and closest friend, Despair.
She brought back memories of my life presented like gifts.
I remembered the countless grey days I'd lay in bed, smothered by her.
The sleepless nights, the empty, identical hallways that haunted my dreams.
I could taste the salt on my lips, feel the jagged boulder trapped in my throat, feel the burning coals in my eyes, the weight on my shoulders, the constant storm in my head... they all returned to me, engulfing me in the past. She loved me dearly, yet all I wanted was to be rid of her.
I realized, in that moment of hindsight, that throughout my life, she was my only one, true love.
Oh my poor despair, so alone, unwanted by all. To death she introduced me, and it was love at first sight.
A Glimpse of a Schoolroom Nightmare
Time
Eyes weighted with black lead
Toxic air mingles in my lungs
I find it harder to breathe, to keep my eyes open
Windows to an empty home
In a world where thinking, simply staying awake, is pure torture.
The clock ticks seconds by,
Meaningless noises.
Yet with every passing minute my heart skips a beat
It’s almost over now, I keep telling myself
I’m so cold.
There’s nothing left…
On the inside.
Nothing left…
On the outside.
Guilt
Lonely dreams that will never die
Plague me in life’s grey tinged blur
Can’t wake up, from this lie
Can’t hide forever in my dream-wrought lair
I’m so tired now, my eyes they burn with fire
My face gaunt, my body cold, I might as well be dead
But death herself is a welcome respite from this existence made of lead
Steel, cold metal, crushing the air from my lungs. Words so dire.
Broken Idealism
This life so lonely that tears me apart from the inside
These broken hearts and suicide notes now scattered meaningless
So sick of lying, pretending and failing to hide
Yet when your words fall out and shatter like broken glass, how can you confess?
I do not seek death, only love and respite
But this prison of existence is too complex to leave room for happiness
We invent our fancy words, our ideas and deliver them with venom and spite
Destroying all that is good and true to make way for this perpetual madness
They ask me what’s wrong; demand to know why I thrive in sorrow
The answer is, purely, simply, I don’t know
I can draw up a billion reasons, excuses and the roots that follow
But like everything else, there is no reason within these seeds I sow.
The Existential Riddle
A heart that beats and bleeds black
A mouth that speaks in riddles
A day that will never dawn
In a world that breaks your back.
A grey walled room, a grey tinged day
A life become a blur
A world of violence, a world of hatred
We obey every word they say.
An open wound, an oozing sore
A scar that will never heal
A broken soldier, rising up alone
To fight this lonely war.
Pride
I transcend above them, through my pain and my isolation
I become something more, something beyond mere humanity
The principle of opposites:
I destroy everything I touch, but in return, am gifted with a love that will never die
Like a phoenix, I rise from death time and again, burning with this fire inside me.
Frustration
I’ve run out of words
They suffocate me on my endless descent
None can express my emotional turmoil
An insanity threatening to overwhelm what’s left of me
I hate myself, but I love so much
Autistic, I’m trapped within
Paranoid, Schizophrenic, Delusional
I can feel their eyes on me, judging, endlessly
Everything I say comes out WRONG
Why else can they not comprehend me?
A heart wrenching scream that starts from deep below and runs up my spine in a deafening crescendo of anguish
But what comes out remains soundless
There is no catharsis for one as deadened as I
Hope
Long for the one who can calm this ocean storm
The one I gave my heart to in return for life
Loveless life now lifeless love
I dedicate my life to the girl who saved me from myself.
A Fire Inside
Watch the stars as they fall from a bloody sky
Sing the sorrow and dance for misery
Light this fire inside to lift me up high
Just to come crashing down veiled in mystery
As you murder me with your savage elegy
Promise me this one thing:
To kiss my eyes and lay me down to sleep
Then I’ll hear your heart break to bleed blackened tears
That drown me as I sink deeper into December’s underground.
Nostalgia
In your dreams, you see alleys
Edged with shining darkness
Haunting in their beauty
Decrepit to the core
A lonely urban landscape
Sets fire in your veins
A melody calling you
From past lives away
Faces pass by
Like ghosts in the ashes
Of your burnt out heart
Monotonia
Painful dawns the light of day, ushering in the endless fear, lost once more in dreams of sorrow, that waking drives away.
The curse of clarity is laid, forgotten is the peaceful fog, which wraps you in its deathly arms to smother fear asleep.
Trepidation creeps through window blinds, like the piercing light of a rising sun, white like a cold winter’s day on the dawn the world will end
Premonition or intuition, hearing muffled steps on the staircase, whichever may hold true to you, the waker has arrived.
Sharp sounds greet the sleeper, three loud raps and a faceless voice, awake you were long before, dreading the inevitable.
Rising like the living dead, going through the morning motions, hiding away the old scars, masking face in illusion.
Desperation at your door, the bag heavy at your feet, time still to turn back, forget this weary existence.
Nausea builds to acidic bile that creeps its way up your throat. You think, “If I vomit now, I may be saved”, but at the thought, the bile is gone, and you retch on an empty stomach.
Sensation greets you on the road to hell, light blinding the path before you.
Inhaling air reeking of pollution, exhaling smoke into a ruined world, apathetic you trudge on in an existence devoid of meaning.
Loud voices, jarring tones, you enter the belly of the beast.
A thousand automatons march by, some animated, others lethargic, but all the same. A maze of identical corridors, devoid of warmth or humanity, lead us to cells we are condemned to for the crime of being born.
I went to an international Catholic-Christian private school in China.
They were the worst days of my life.
I am posting (and writing) this whilst drunk out of my mind (so please excuse my inane rambling).
In a few days, I will be leaving for Thailand for four months of voluntary service. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am free. Free to be myself (I'm gay), free to travel, free to learn, free to experience the world and life around me. Free to do as I choose.
School almost took that away from me. School tried to squash my hopes and beat me into submission. I almost committed suicide. Now I know that there is more to life than the lies of the education system. I hope that all of you can live past the horros of your teenage years and welcome the freedom of life to come. I know that despite my flaws, despite the fact that I chose to drop out of school, I have built a life for myself. I will forever have traumas associated with the education system, but I will never cease to educate myself and to observe and learn from the wonderful world that surrounds me. I am a traveller, a psychonaut and a human being like everybody else. No one can ever take that away from me.
Now I am free, I will be, what I was never meant to see. My wrath will heal my soul and tear your system down. Imperfect beauty will penetrate the plastic face of human fate, and with perfect scars upon my wrists I will rule your hell. You can never push me down, for I have fallen all the way, a shattered angel on broken glass, my wings begin to grow. Eyes of tempest see no lies, rain washed away illusion, violence falls from the skies, humanity's solution. A heart is bleeding every day, a crimson flood is rising. I will make an ark of bones, to free the damned from this hell, and all the devils that I have known can go drown themselves. No longer bruised, hurt and torn, the wounded can heal themselves, and I will crown them, one by one, the bitter saints of self-injury.
Plum, bruised, cut, scarred, jagged, glass, torn, ripped, bloodied, knives. Searing, hate, burning, fire, wrath, scorn, loathing, molten, combusting, inside. Bare, open, soul, worn, bleeding, heart, cut, vulnerable, naked, skin. Dead, violated, raped, penetrated, hated, ice, cold, numb, empty, doll. Pierced, shattered, scattered, ego, black, scorched, twisted, mirror.
I'll end it all with an ancient ballad:
I'll take a stroll down to town, watch the plastic buildings sway
To the beat of a generic drum
In a song devoid of meaning
I'll take you down to town, where the cardboard people dance
In monotonous rhythm
In the litter strewn streets
Take my hand, come join me
Let's choke on the carbon monoxide tonight
Existential angst fills the air
Let's welcome our generation of uniformity
I met you in a box
Admired your gender uniform
Invited you out for junk food
And fucked you in the bathroom
A materialistic romance no one would die for
Romeo and Juliet lie rolling in their graves
Crying love is dead, so let's rejoice
As we all fall into line
I'll take a stroll down to town, watch the plastic buildings sway
To the beat of a generic drum
In a song devoid of meaning
I'll take you down to town, where the cardboard people dance
In monotonous rhythm
In the litter strewn streets
I'd cry for the youth of tomorrow
If emotions weren't outlawed
So we'll drink until we're sick
And we forget who we are
I'd call you beautiful like a star
But none are left in the smog
Instead I'll say:
You're beautiful like the twinkling neon
That poisons our earth tonight
Perhaps tomorrow we'll meet again
I'll catch you with a paper lover
"We're meaningless" you'll whisper
Cardboard in a city of plastic
But until then
I'll take a stroll down to town, watch the plastic buildings sway
To the beat of a generic drum
In a song devoid of meaning
I'll take you down to town, where the cardboard people dance
In monotonous rhythm
In the litter strewn streets
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