Needs to be said.

[liq3]

rAnx Wrote:At home, her parents would always lament how bad it was for her health, and at school her friends always told her how worried they were. It was as if every time she talked to someone, they tried to tell her why she was treating her body badly. Obviously, she knew that anorexia was bad for her.

Or, made generic.

Quote:I have a problem. I know I have a problem. Everyone tells me I have a problem and it's bad. No one helps me though.

This kind of stuff drives me FUCKING INSANE.

I've learned to ignore it, but really, why do people insist on reminding people of bad things we do? It forces the person into a defensive stance. They either must choose to admit that it's wrong, or defend it. If they are willing to admit it's wrong, they will do it anyway and feel no shame or guilt. It they defend it, they will feel it is part of their identity, and keep doing it, as to not feel the loss of losing part of their identity. Telling someone what they are doing is bad, does nothing but make them keep doing it.

P.S. There is actually a third response. They run away. They completely avoid dealing with it. This means they shut themselves off from any help.

Also this might be better in philosophical discussion :/

[SoulRiser]

Quote:why do people insist on reminding people of bad things we do? It forces the person into a defensive stance. They either must choose to admit that it's wrong, or defend it. If they are willing to admit it's wrong, they will do it anyway and feel no shame or guilt. It they defend it, they will feel it is part of their identity, and keep doing it, as to not feel the loss of losing part of their identity. Telling someone what they are doing is bad, does nothing but make them keep doing it.

P.S. There is actually a third response. They run away. They completely avoid dealing with it. This means they shut themselves off from any help.

Very true. Well, most of the time anyway. There are always exceptions...

So if you actually want to help someone, first find out what they want, and help them with that, nevermind what you want for them.

And when I say find out what they want, I don't mean what they say they want. It could be true, but it could also just be the conclusion they came to, based off something deeper. Like, for example, someone who wants to get thin might actually just want to feel good about herself, and believes that getting thin will accomplish that. It might, but it might also not. Maybe something else would accomplish it better. It's not always as simple as it looks. And you can't go around telling people what you think they really want unless you KNOW THEM very well. And even then you have to be careful. So, basically, unless you happen to be a really good listener, you'll just annoy anyone you try to help.

[fragile-esteem]

liq3 Wrote:They run away. They completely avoid dealing with it. This means they shut themselves off from any help.

I'm anorexic and this is what I choose. I don;t want to defend it because I know it's bad but I wouldn't admit it bad because I can't stop.

I hate when people tell me what I want and how I feel:

"I know you want to get better..." if that means getting fat then no... I don't
"...I sense there's some trust issues...." no... I just don't trust you
"It's like someone's taken part of you away and you feel like that part's never coming back" 1. that made no sense 2. if it did make sense I disagree
"Aleks! You can't make your own decissions you're not well!" ...and yet I go to school every day?
"I'll try not to direct questions at you" but I'm a member of the class too!

[SoulRiser]

Quote:I hate when people tell me what I want and how I feel:

Yeah, there's actually a word for that: invalidation. It's a really frustrating thing to deal with, especially because the other person generally doesn't go so far as to try to think how they would feel if someone said that to them.

[Will]

I've been thinking the same thing for a while. Unfortunately, when I've been on the receiving end of such criticism, I haven't wanted to hear discussion of the problem equivalent to anorexia but rather discussion of whatever broader thing led me to said problems. This broader thing is something that is even more difficult to talk about, normally hatred of parents and of school.

[Ariadnae Basilisk]

When I was younger I was always recieved criticism about how I would cry to much, that men don't cry, and that I was to sensetive. Now, I'm an almost emotionless wall.

Of course I recieve criticism about that, but I tend to ignore it now.

People always think that they know what's best. That's just how it is I suppose.

[fragile-esteem]

SoulRiser Wrote:

Quote:I hate when people tell me what I want and how I feel:

Yeah, there's actually a word for that: invalidation. It's a really frustrating thing to deal with, especially because the other person generally doesn't go so far as to try to think how they would feel if someone said that to them.

from that website... i identify with the comments i hear everyday:

Smile.
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Stop taking everything so personally
Don't look so sad.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I tried to help you.. force feeding isn't help
You are making everyone else miserable.
You are the only one who feels that way. i' still someone though
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
You are not being rational.
You are too sensitive.
You are hopeless.
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
What's the matter with you? as i f i fucking know. everytime they say that it makes me feel wrong.
Why can't you just get over it?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't say that about ...
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.