I don't understand how to talk with people about their problems

[vonunov]

Or how to listen to them about their problems, or however you want to say it.

This is an issue for me especially online. In real life, there are nonverbal indications that you care. Online, there are only words, which aren't always well suited. In real life, I can skate by with some nonverbal reactions until there's an opportunity to say something that makes sense to say, some kind of probing question or whatever.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. I mostly know what I'm not supposed to do. I shouldn't try to fix the problem, which is my primary way of dealing with everything. My life is just a steady stream of troubleshooting, that is how I work. But not when someone isn't asking for it. I shouldn't try to provide my own similar experiences for commiseration as this will draw attention away from / comparatively belittle their problem. Or something like that. I'm not really clear on that part either. I shouldn't pick apart / invalidate the problem, obviously.

So what's left to do? If I try to say something in validation/support without fixing/comparing/dismissing the problem, then it feels ridiculously empty and patronizing, even though I never really have any problem with what anyone says to me. Only when I'm trying to do it. I have worked mostly in some form of customer support over the phone for my ~7 years of working, and I still hate to say things like "That does sound frustrating" and "I'm sorry to hear that" even in the exact same contexts where others would say them, because for some reason I feel sure that it'll come off like I'm fucking with them. On occasion it feels appropriate to say something like that, but not often as it should, I think. It seems harder when I have to type the words and then have to look at them sitting there, not meaning anything and looking patronizing.

But maybe that's not the kind of thing I should say anyway, so what is the idea there? I actually care and I want to be good at this but it doesn't make sense online.