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Vague Genre Novel (a piece I wrote for English)
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magikarp Offline
Valerie Solanas

Posts: 1,146
Joined: Jan 2007
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Post: #5
Re: Vague Genre Novel (a piece I wrote for English)

You characters aren't really believable. I know that since the story is so short there can't be much character development, but even if your characters are generic, they should at least seem somewhat like people instead of just being there to fill in the plot.

Why does Matt seem to have so much perspective on the situation even after not being taught much and presumably not having access to historical information besides what his grandfather told him?

Quote:15 was the new 5.

If 15 year-olds had been treated like that since Matt can remember, he probably would think it was unusual. And he wouldn't be able to make that comparison, because he wouldn't know how 5 year-olds are "normally" treated.

Actually, I'm not sure if that was supposed to be Matt's thought, or just a comment from the narrator. There were a few parts where I couldn't really tell, but it seemed more to me like they were meant to be things Matt was thinking.

Quote:“Excuse me, Matt!? What were you doing, talking to Chris like that!? You know how rude it is to discuss irrelevant topics in front of an adult! What were you about to say!?”
This doesn't seem like something that a person would actually say, although I don't know how to improve it.

Quote:Category 2 offense – minor independently thinking
Independent thinking is usually said to be positive, even if it's discouraged in practice. It could be alright, I guess, if you told enough about the society in which Matt lives in to make it seem like they would frown upon that even in theory. The thing is, though, if they don't (openly) discourage independent thinking for adults, they're unlikely to make a rule against it for children.

It might help to think of why the government in the story makes these laws to "protect" minors, and then include the laws that it'd make, instead of making up whatever you want and thinking of ways that they could be justified after.

Quote:“Damn it,” Mike thought to himself. The age of majority will be raised once again.
Is this supposed to say Matt?

"Do we treat straight public sex differently than we do gay public sex? Of course. Straight people are so proud of their public sex that they named a cocktail after it."
10-12-2008 09:07 AM
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Re: Vague Genre Novel (a piece I wrote for English) - magikarp - 10-12-2008 09:07 AM

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