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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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Why tiny fails always feel epic
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Will Offline
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Post: #1
Why tiny fails always feel epic

My situation
Whenever I do any small thing less than perfectly, I tend to feel like a complete failure who is totally stupid and useless and won't go anywhere in life. But I don't tell people about these occurances because doing such would make me feel like I'm whining and just trying to get attention. (I'll discuss later that that's probably exactly what I want though.)

Also, upon the arrival of certain communications, my immediate fear is that someone is angry because I did something wrong or that I did something that would lead to a person being angry like that. The communications seem to include anything from my parents or grandparents and most things from official-seeming institutions and authorities. For example, when I receive a bank statement, I'm afraid that I spent too much, when I receive emails from most professors, I'm afraid that they're mad at me even though they never have been or would be, and when I receive anything from my parents, I'm quite afraid. I also get quite scared whenever I check any of my grades, but that probably isn't unusual to me, unfortunately. It's also not an entirely unfounded fear, but I still think it's related to the rest of these

Its Development
Throughout my schooling, I've felt the need to please my teachers and parents and do assignments perfectly. I've always been quite afraid of failing at this because that would lead teachers or parents to insult, yell at and make fun of me. I don't remembering this happening so often in the extreme in most grades, but I think it only had to happen a little for me to be conditioned to associate less-than-perfect performance with this fear. It's relevant that one of the years where this fear was strongest was first grade, which is pretty early. Come to think of it, I don't remember being like this before first grade.

I now go to school away from my parents and with sane teachers, so these fears aren't applicable anymore, but I still have them. Classic conditioning explains this phenomenon quite well.

I think began to notice these fears more after reading anti-school and more emotional, depressing things. My earlier article about habits, which I otherwise don't quite agree with anymore, explains how getting habituated to an unhealthy activity dulls its pain. You start feeling the pain when you start thinking about your actions more instead of just following habits.

The solution
The solution has to be lots of hugs and talking to friends. I know this because that's what I always want when I feel like this, although my emotions seem to have dulled to some degree from a constant cognitive load on my brain. I think the hugs directly reassure me that at least some people aren't angry at me.

Interestingly, this can switch the direction of the incentives for failure; the most common time where I feel a strong need for hugs is when I feel like a complete failure, so that's the only time I try to solicit them. If I get this reward only when I fail, am I conditioning myself to want failure? Does this elegantly counteract the conditioned fear, or does it provide a net reward for failure? I feel like it's the latter to some degree; I start to want to fail so I'll get people to comfort me. Wurtzel alludes to this in Prozac Nation too.

I think my body's just trying to adjust to a more appropriate level of reward/punishment and oscillating around the right level; before, failures were catastrophic, so I needed to avoid them. They are no longer catastrophic, so I start encouraging failure in order to get to a more appropriate level. I overshot and will make them less desirable now but will overshoot again.
05-18-2009 12:43 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #2
Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

You are also one of the more paranoid people on this forum (or anywhere that I know of for that matter), and I'm sure you have your reasons for being that way, but that probably amplifies the whole thing quite a bit as well.

Quote:If I get this reward only when I fail, am I conditioning myself to want failure?
I think that's quite a likely outcome actually... but I think that if you get hugs at other times at least as often as when you fail at something, it won't be so much of an issue.

Why do you care about what people think of you so much? What's the worst that could really happen?

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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05-18-2009 05:54 PM
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Will Offline
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Post: #3
Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

SoulRiser Wrote:Why do you care about what people think of you so much?
I sort of just answered that.

The real answer is that I care way more than I think I should but don't know why.
05-19-2009 09:14 AM
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Bureaucracy Offline
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Post: #4
Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

Honestly, that paranosia may be what keeps you on your toes, ahead of the game, a "competitive edge", but more so, you a realist, you know what can go wrong, so you can prepare for it, whether or not it will come, you can be prepared.

I do a very similar thing, I think of what can go wrong, and how to fix it, before I start anything, and it helps me an immense amount when things do go wrong.

(First post, love these forums)
05-19-2009 09:19 AM
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Will Offline
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Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

Very shortly after I read Soulriser's question but after I turned off my computer, I finally answered it! I think

I don't have any very strong friends, (I know why this is the case.) but I want them, so I'm afraid of what potential friends think of me. Somehow I care what my parents think but probably would stop caring if I had strong friends who didn't care what my parents thought.
Bureaucracy Wrote:Honestly, that paranosia may be what keeps you on your toes, ahead of the game, a "competitive edge", but more so, you a realist, you know what can go wrong, so you can prepare for it, whether or not it will come, you can be prepared.

I do a very similar thing, I think of what can go wrong, and how to fix it, before I start anything, and it helps me an immense amount when things do go wrong.

(First post, love these forums)
That reminds me of how I've always been quite skeptical of all of the radical beliefs that I hold. This led me to test all of them very rigorously, enough that I'm quite sure of them in my own mind even though I often fail at articulating them. I'm still quite skeptical of my ideas.

Now I'm at a uni where people aren't stupid and people actually consider radical ideas and always agree with me because I'm right. I still fear that they are going to respond stupidly like how most people did in high school though. I've adapted my presentation of these ideas to people who don't want to hear them and now need to adapt their presentation to people who do want to hear them.
05-19-2009 06:33 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #6
Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

So basically, you're not comfortable with your own thoughts unless you know there are others (reasonably close to you) who agree with you?

Also, welcome Bureaucracy Smile

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

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05-19-2009 10:40 PM
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Will Offline
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Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

SoulRiser Wrote:So basically, you're not comfortable with your own thoughts unless you know there are others (reasonably close to you) who agree with you?

Also, welcome Bureaucracy Smile
I'm not comfortable unless I feel like smarter people agree, and I tend to think people who agree with me are not smart (because smart people wouldn't agree with someone so stupid).
05-20-2009 01:18 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

So if I agreed with you on something, you'd think I'm stupid? Smile

And how do you define smart anyway?

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
Click here if school makes you depressed or suicidal

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"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

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05-21-2009 02:59 AM
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Will Offline
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Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

SoulRiser Wrote:So if I agreed with you on something, you'd think I'm stupid? Smile
Yes

SoulRiser Wrote:And how do you define smart anyway?
You're being really nit-picky. I feel "smart", opposite "stupid". I don't really know why. I don't feel like explaining it rigorously, and if you came up with a different definition, I'd probably use another badly defined word.
05-21-2009 10:09 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Re: Why tiny fails always feel epic

So if I agree with you that you're stupid... you'll think I'm stupid for agreeing that you're stupid? Razz

I like being really nit-picky.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
Click here if school makes you depressed or suicidal

Support School Survival on Patreon or Donate Bitcoin Here: 1Q5WCcxWjayniaL92b8GfXBiGdfjmnUNa2
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

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05-21-2009 09:20 PM
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