Song Critique

[Thought Criminal]

All The Kings Drugs

Stitches here and stitches there
broken pieces everywhere
someone`s going through a mess
trying to find a little head
there are fingers on the ground
and a heart that`s broken Down
she keeps grabbing round and round
but all the pieces can`t be found

all the kings drugs

this doll she has no face
so she cannot find her place
she`s been searching full of sorrow
and of guilt and of disgrace
and she cannot hide her shame
for the rest - they look the same
and keep telling her she`s different
so she has to be insane

she keeps going through her mind
trying to find a place to hide
all her cries have been denied
the world is gone she`s left behind
now there`s noone she can call
and there`s nowhere left to fall
so she`s aiming at her heart
cus noone wants a broken doll

now,
all the kings drugs
and all the kings men
cannot put this broken doll
together again

[Vatman]

I suppose I shall try; but let me say first that songs aren't poems. For some reason on every single poetry board I post on, one person is convinced that Miley Cyrus is a poet. Horrible musicians aside, even the dynamic duo of John Lennon and Paul McCartney really wouldn't classify as poets in my opinion. Musicians and artists yes, but songwriting is in essence a whole nother science to me. Its about picking the correct iamb and syllabary context with a set of rhythmic bass, and then once you add two or three other instruments it becomes a whole nother ballgame.

Its hard for me to take the literature out of the song, and thus this review takes its shape - sorry, that was abit of an overdone preface but I see no sense in deleting whats already been typed.

Quote:Stitches here and stitches there
broken pieces everywhere
someone`s going through a mess
trying to find a little head
there are fingers on the ground
and a heart that`s broken Down
she keeps grabbing round and round
but all the pieces can`t be found

First I must comment on your rhyme scheme; if that's what you can call it. The first two lines rhyme, the secound two decide not to, the third and forth ones like to think they rhyme (but they don't) and then for some reason the last two lines rhyme with the first one. Even sung there is no way for this stanza to flow in my opinion..

The wording and diction could defiantly be better, but one can't really be to picky in this area afterall.... "living is easy with eyes closed" isn't exactly the epitimay of diction.

Quote:all the kings drugs

Clever ^

Quote:this doll she has no face
so she cannot find her place
she`s been searching full of sorrow
and of guilt and of disgrace
and she cannot hide her shame
for the rest - they look the same
and keep telling her she`s different
so she has to be insane

This stanza is alot better in its rhyme scheme, and in fact I would say its your best stanza by far; though I would say that you have alot of extra words in this stanza that would be necessary if you were telling a story but since its a song I would say get rid of them...An example of a less wordy version would be something like...

Hidden stuff:

this doll she has no face
she can't find her place
she`s been searching full of sorrow
and of guilt and of disgrace
she cannot hide her shame
for the rest - they look the same
telling her she`s different
must be insane

That fourth line really needs an rewrite though methinks...

Quote:she keeps going through her mind
trying to find a place to hide
all her cries have been denied
the world is gone she`s left behind
now there`s noone she can call
and there`s nowhere left to fall
so she`s aiming at her heart
cus noone wants a broken doll

I liked that last two lines...

Quote:now,
all the kings drugs
and all the kings men
cannot put this broken doll
together again

Again, very clever...but I would get rid of "cannot" and "now"...replacing them with "couldn't" and "and then" respectivly

I don't really know how to rate it overall, I like it, I am assuming this is going to be allitle indie-punk-metaly so I would say it is a good first draft... Needs a rewrite or two and it can be a fine song.