I've got my results on french exams

[Pashupati]

Last month I took the épreuves anticipées du bac. (and didn't get to sleep nor eat, like in the old days, I want my health back and 14 years of my life, please (beginning school at 2 sucks))
I thought I'd do even worse.
Somehow, I didn't really learn anything on the program although I did say I did/was doing so (even to penpals, Internet contacts who greatly encouraged me (that never happens IRL so I'm thanking them)). Thus, I aimed to have between 5 and 9 (on twenty, mind you, so for 5 it'd be like 25% in other grading systems, which is bad). And thought I'd get something like 3.
I've got 7 on written exams and 8 on oral exams (not knowing the methods). It's good (for me), it's only coefficient 2 and I might actually get the diploma next year with good grades in maths and sciences; I still cringe a little thinking about how my mother would react seeing how I was categorized good in french (that's like language or litterature or something except it's not, it was more like writing stuffs we were told to write and getting a grade on that) when in junior high school (collège) and was almost directed in L section. (and, that was, because mostly they graded you one writing "chemisier" correctly)
Also, when I started distance learning course, I just wanted to fail these exams in particular to make the point I wasn't the person who is good at stuffs that she find boring and doesn't really understand. Still it's a bit stressing to me, because my mother might tell me something that'd be ashaming/saddening; maybe it'd be deceitful for her. Also, I know I could have done better had I really studied (not spending the "study time" doing other stuffs), maybe it'll also be a problem if I want to get in a BTS Design de Mode, but also I'm happy as I thought I'd have 2 or 3 and somehow happy I did not get a good grade due to some sort of malediction confirming I was predestined to be good at that and do this and that???
I hope she won't say weird stuffs to me.
I remember a Steve Pavlina article about how people have to catch their ancient idea of you with a new one. The problem here is that idea has never been an idea people who'd have known me outside school might have got of me, and not one that had good influence on me and give me great occasions; that's not an idea I had of myself, I wasn't defined in that way by my own person -- so, evidently, I won't have presented myself that way by people outside of school but in school your grades (re)present you, the way you assist the class, the way you ditch, your activities inside school and your whole personality is thought as that as if there is nothing outside nothing else and you are indicated career stuffs based on this. Mainly, it was the excuse not accepting what I really wanted to do even though I felt better in it than in french. It's an idea of me constructed, built entirely on some teacher idea of my grades, something they maybe said to keep me going, and taken too seriously by other person in a way that made it "good at french, not at anything else". Somehow, if one person thought I was creative or smart, s/he thought it had to be applied in literature-related fields and that I couldn't apply it anywhere else, even though I was good in other subjects, fields, matters, hobbies before that and nobody cared a tad. And, mostly, I like literature when applied to things I already like, when it reports to some subject I'm interested in.
And when I had bad grades in some subject one time, it was that I was inherently bad in that subject for some persons (the things they told me! it's not really my interpretation, they didn't hid it), so I was too scared of the reactions if I did good next... I didn't want to attract much attention.
Maybe this time, my mother will think about it and see I'm not predestined to do certain things.
I kept being told I should do this as I'm good and it is an intelligent thing to do (as opposed to worked in fashion) or a girly thing to do (as opposed to wanting to do research in maths), but there were other things I was good at and actually liked and god damn it it's only girly because society said it's so, what if it's not anymore when I'm 56 and why should I care.
Aww, another long post that ends up ranting. Somehow, I still feel weird about this even though "all this", because of others expectation that I'd have great grades in that stuffs. God damnit if I could have done this friggin' sewing formation I'd already have been continuing in BTS or something.
And, somehow, I don't feel like these grades are that important to me. They can be for some careers, but french grades aren't that important to my confidence, but it is for my mother idea of what is important for me.