The Chronicle of Badassian IV

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My current Civ 4 Game, where my Civ is totally not Sumeria led by Gilgamesh but Badassistan led by Badassian IV inspired me to write some backstory about him for no reason at all.

Emperor Badassian IV, ruler of the Badass Empire

Lived from 6412BC to 6320BC

Badassian IV was the last, and considered by many greatest leader of Badassistan. His influence was such that historians thought of him to have set the scene for the past 6000 years of history. Badassian's birth in 6412 in the capital of Gizzardstab (which wass somewhere in roughly the middle of Africa) was unfortunately marred by the murder of his father, Badassian III, by his evil uncle Wankstaino in a violent coup. The few surviving members of his family were forced to leave Badassistan, and the survivng members of the Badassian dynasty were forced to live in a cave for his childhood. He trained for years in the martial art of Punch-Kon, the deadly martial art, so that one day he could restore his throne.

Upon reaching his full measure at 18, Badassian returned to the capital to seek his revenge. He dropkicked Wankstaino, who had declared himself despot after he stole the throne, into the sun in one swift move. Badassian was famous for dealing with problems in his empire in this manner - during the slave rebellions of 6407BC, he was reported to have personally dropkicked every single slave who rebelled that year into the sun. Badassian personally oversaw all of the management of his empire, as he had deemed all of his Advisors unecessary and dropkicked them all into the sun. Badassian decided that all who were not badass enough should become slaves, and this was heavily critized by his advisors, which was part of the reason why he dropkicked them all into the sun.

Badassistan under Badassian reached the height of its power. It conquered all of its rivals with ease. During the period in which Badassian lived battles were fought by the two beligerents meeting in the middle of a field and hurling rocks at each other. Badassian came up with a genius idea. Rather than simply arming his soldiers with rocks like everyone else, he decided instead to arm them with shields and swords. This worked very well on the field, as the Badass Soldiers were able to move in close without being hurt by rocks before engaging. When he was accused of not playing fair in war by the other leaders, Badassian simply laughed at them before dropkicking them all into the sun for being pussies.

Unfortunately, Badassistan's glory was not to last. Badassian died at the age of 92, and due to him dropkicking all his Advisors, Generals, Family Members and anyone else who might have some influence in his empire into the sun his empire degenerated into chaos. All of his constructions were lost, including the Awesomemyds (like the Pyramids but each one covered the size of Paris and was made from Kryptonite) and all of the progress that Badassistan made into our scientific knowledge and understanding was forgotten. Nevertheless, Badassian will be rembered throughout history for his achievements, his power, his omnipotence, and most of all his ability to dropkick people into the sun.