Inner Strength
I just put this together based on a recent and interesting experience.
So my wife has had a pretty shitty childhood and has gone through a ton of shit this year. but now she's at that point where she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. (I refuse to elaborate on this, just accept that it is true)
Her therapist suggested she go to this group therapy session and from this she made some friends. I let her go and more a less decided to just trust her. my doubts about her fidelity are really just an expression of my own feelings of inadequacy which are actually rapidly diminishing lately. Now that I seem to be figuring out this whole "husband" thing and she has had a chance to actually meet with similar people in person and feel support from outside of her house, she's feeling a ton more hopeful about life in general.
I don't trust the obvious interpretation here by the way. let me explain.
I used to retreat to my room a lot as a kid and used to really hate my parents. most of my childhood was kind of numb, drugged from ritalin and imimpramine (anti-anxiety), but probably since I'm a strong IN personality type, ignoring what other people want of me or tell me has been pretty easy. its also why I was a pretty shitty husband and father for a long time.
anyway, I've pretty much NEVER had feelings of suicide, I definitely had feelings of murder. I think that's healthier. I liked playing GTA and learning about serial killers and stuff. I've always had fun and interesting hobbies. Do these things go together? YES!
I love myself. I am good at a whole bunch of different things. my parents neglected me, and in that sense I was partially unschooled. I knew who I was although part of that was affected by school. It wasn't until I overcame what I thought my final weakness was in college (majoring in my shittiest subject) that I really came together as an indomitable person. btw, it was a resident adviser in my dorm from whom I earned my real education.
In scenarios when people try to control or manipulate me, I shut them down with such speed and apathy that I am sure I come off as rude like hell to most people (trying to get something out of me). I typically talk inconsiderately because I'm just trying to say what I think it true and I don't give a damn about how it makes you feel for the most part. I've learned to be tactful, but my default state is just blunt force honesty.
So pretty much, nobody is going to walk over me, and nobody is going to make me feel like shit. moment to moment, shit happens, but big picture is that. My sense of who I am keeps me unconquerable.
I have heard that the kids who know that their parents love them no matter what are the hardest students to control. Well, support from your parents is just one form of strength with which to ground yourself, to help you feel certain about who you are. don't confuse the example for the exclusive cause; talents/hobbies, freedom, loving parents, or something else people might be missing.
It is not that you see the light at the end of the tunnel, its that you know YOU are going to make it. Why? Because you know you, and you know exactly how strong you are. These are the people school DOES NOT WANT TO PRODUCE.
A psyche experiment years ago tested whether trusting the authority in the room would lead people to kill another person. Quite a lot of people did.
I can say with all honesty that I would not, and I aim to raise kids who wont. People who at any given time a directive is issued, raise some skepticism and say, "why?" unless it just already makes perfect sense. and if the good reason doesn't follow the order say "fuck it, you do it then."
That video where they all stand up at the sound of a buzzer. I KNOW, that I would walk the fuck out of there or more likely start being rude to everyone who is doing it. I am a person who does what he wants. I have my standards. Fuck you, I am busy.
So, now that my wife "can see the light at the end of the tunnel" a rather surprising thing happened this weekend. When her parents were doing their usual say-dumb-shit routine they do, I was taken aback by several wide toothed smiling retorts coming from my wife directed at her parents while we were all hanging out.
W.. T.. F...?
Some really great lines to the effect of "your parenting sucked" and "stop trying to manipulate me". all of which were said with good blood pressure, composure, and humor.
Remember the recurring theme in my description of myself? You guessed it, "fuck off", haha!
She got her own thing going now. shut your mouth with that crap I don't want crap in my ears because I respect my ears because they are mine like that life you want to shit on too. I'm laughing at your dumbness because I am no longer knocked down, I am actually standing tall and I can see quite clearly your bullshit and its amusing. you stupid kid, whatever, go play with your toys, i'm gonna go do some adult stuff. You how I know what i'm doing is adult? because I'm doing it.
people who rely on their ability to manipulate you are not grown up, they are kids who haven't learned to stop crying when they're toys are taken away. btw, when we banned movies because my kids refused to pick up their legos, the legos just sat on the floor for more than a week and they didn't give two shits about not watching movies. They are doing their own thing and if i take one away, they got some more. My kids are probably capable of beating me at a battle of wits and they aren't even 4...
Funny how my kids seem to be better at coping and staying in high spirits better than many people 4-5 times their age...
I think for many of us stuck in shitty situations, the solution is to stop all the thinking and start doing. nobody can make you pay attention and if they punish you for not paying attention you can always ignore the punishment and just keep disobeying, not because you're rebelling, but because you know what you want to do with your time.
Most people here seem to already be doing a good job. We secretly do what we want when the teachers aren't paying attention. we might lie about doing homework when really were on School Survival.
They can't control your heart, but the heart has its needs too. THAT is why School Survival is one of the best public services to the internet.
School is bullshit. say it loud, proud, and often.
Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
Follow me on Twitter!
|