A Masochistic Stroll Down Memory Lane

[Night]

Maybe this thread is a bad idea, but I'm sleep deprived (thanks DST) and I don't really care.

I was reading some of my old posts. And at first it was cringeworthy beyond belief, but after a while it just became sad. It felt like watching the desperate ravings of an unstable and broken stranger just looking for what? I can't even say. But it didn't feel like me, it didn't sound like me, but all at the same time, it was me.

I don't make a habit of reading my old posts. To be honest, I've pretty much blocked all memories from that time period because it goes without saying, they were pretty fucking shit. Those around at the time to witness my antics probably only saw 10% of it, to be honest. It's actually amazing that I came out of it without a drug addiction, STD, and only fearing for my life maybe twice.

I don't feel the need to apologize. I know it's no excuse, but I wasn't mentally sound. But mainly because I just don't think I owe anyone one.

I would say I feel a bit of contempt for those who were needlessly cruel to me then.. but I realize I really don't care. I think that's a recent development, I think if I had done this even a few months ago I would've been bitter. Something has changed in me. I made all the major changes years ago I guess, but I felt a big change happen recently too. Anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 4 years knows I've had pretty severe anxiety with agoraphobia for that time(very bad relationship). Maybe it's more confidence but lately, I've been able to feel like overcoming this is a real possibility. I am overcoming it.

[SoulRiser]

Night! Long time no see.
I don't think you owe anyone apologies either. People were far meaner to you than anything you did to them, as far as I can remember.

[brainiac3397]

Coolio. I probably owe an apology at some point in time which I shall sum up simply with "fuck putin" cuz u is ukrainian and I assume ya'll already hate the bastard.

And if the FSB is watching, I blame Gwedin.

[Night]

(03-15-2017 11:54 PM)SoulRiser Wrote:  Night! Long time no see.
I don't think you owe anyone apologies either. People were far meaner to you than anything you did to them, as far as I can remember.

Maybe if anything, I'm the one owed an apology! But I certainly don't expect any.

(03-16-2017 10:38 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Coolio. I probably owe an apology at some point in time which I shall sum up simply with "fuck putin" cuz u is ukrainian and I assume ya'll already hate the bastard.

And if the FSB is watching, I blame Gwedin.

"Fuck Pooptin" is acceptable. But I don't recall you being cruel. If you have, I've forgiven you without the need for an apology.

[Gwedin]

the fsb? pls everybody knows i'm in league with china not gay russia

how's life night dude we haven't spoken in a lil while

[Night]

(03-17-2017 03:17 AM)Gwedin Wrote:  the fsb? pls everybody knows i'm in league with china not gay russia

how's life night dude we haven't spoken in a lil while

Life is not bad right now. My anxiety has gotten a lot better than even just the last time we spoke. I've ordered food off the phone (With a script, but it's a start), and gone to the store on my own. I've taken the train to the city with my boyfriend several times now and had fun and didn't freak out!

Still can't get a job, though. I've been considering applying for disability for my anxiety, but first I have to manage to go to a psychiatrist and then hope I get approved.

And my slut cat is pregnant again. Just as we were making plans to get her fixed too...

I'm also learning Ukrainian again. I always start learning and then get demotivated and stop. But I went to a Ukrainian concert (Океан Ельзи) and it sort of triggered this fervor to learn that I never quite got before. I've studied every day for over a week!

I have a bunch of concerts coming up too that I'm really excited for. They're gonna be intense. I'll probably get hurt, but that's part of the fun and I'm kinda hoping I do for some reason.

[Rule_BreakerXVIII]

Eehhh...I think you should read your old posts and ramblings. I have diaries, poems, etc. going back to 6th grade, and while it's cringe-worthy to read at times, I feel more connected to the person I used to be. It exposes certain patterns I still had back then,and am still repeating.

Quote:For those who craft with words it is way more nostalgic to see the handwriting morph into something different while retaining that same spark of familiarity; the joy of finding new words to describe similar experiences, and finally, how one's perspective grows and matures.

Because I can frankly say that I am still the same person, only better. Version 2.1, if you will.

Quote:The forays into my diaries, essays, letters to the 'future me' etc. have made me realise what an impact reading fanfiction, SSF, Cracked, finding the Church of Satan had on me; vocabulary, as much as it'd improved, is the least of the improvements. Most of all, it showed me what the world I built in my head actually was; far more than just a child's refuge against abuse, it was- is- all me. All this time, I had a secret garden, and I wasn't even aware of it!

Like, I used to do so many things..only now, I learned that they have names.
Maybe it was sad, lonely, pathetic. I don't care.

Quote:I was reading some of my old posts. And at first it was cringeworthy beyond belief, but after a while it just became sad. It felt like watching the desperate ravings of an unstable and broken stranger just looking for what? I can't even say. But it didn't feel like me, it didn't sound like me, but all at the same time, it was me.

I don't make a habit of reading my old posts. To be honest, I've pretty much blocked all memories from that time period because it goes without saying, they were pretty fucking shit. Those around at the time to witness my antics probably only saw 10% of it, to be honest. It's actually amazing that I came out of it without a drug addiction, STD, and only fearing for my life maybe twice.

I don't feel the need to apologize. I know it's no excuse, but I wasn't mentally sound. But mainly because I just don't think I owe anyone one.

I think you did the best you could have, considering the resources you had at hand. And yeah..I count sanity and willpower in resources as well. Besides you came out of that time just fine. You survived.

Quote: had invented a religion in middle school. It revolved around a pantheon of 8 goddesses, each representing both the good and evil sides of their chosen attribute..Love/hate, beauty/ugliness, expression/silence, courage/anger, joy/sorrow, hope/despair, knowledge/curiosity, and a combination of the 7 - life/death. The goddess I'd chosen for myself was Saki of love/hate.

Other such characters I'd chosen in relation to myself included a queen, a warrior-in-training, and the goddess. Each one of these women had pale skin and brown hair- features that physically set me apart in school. The rest of their physical features were vague; I spent more time crafting their personalities- wise, if not well-informed; cunning and intuitive; wrathful to those who had incurred it and polite to the others, and most of all, respectful of other people- be they children, servants, or in any way socially "inferior".

Given the kind of crap I was surrounded by, I'm glad I took the time to craft these role-models. Now I know that all these women- cunning and swift minds, grounded personalities, bastions of feminine strength and pride- were what I wanted to be when I "grew up", rather, gained a certain level of power and ability. At 20, I am halfway there; I have the power to make sure I attain that vision of perfection someday; that I don't believe the crap society and the Turds shove at me. My younger self- who lived with much worse abuse and in overall worse conditions- envisioned a goddess, a queen, and a warrior. It is up to me to make those dreams a reality.

[the Analogist]

Quote:Besides you came out of that time just fine. You survived.

EXACTLY what we are all here for

[James Comey]

I'm not even going to comment on Putin/Trump/China/Brexit/whatever.

Anyway, Night, I probably owe you an apology too, since I came off as a dick sometimes, not to mention I used to be a total "nice guy" back in the good ol' days. I hope you're doing well, as shit's hitting the fan lately for me.

But yeah, I remember reading some of your posts, and yes, they're fucking cringe worthy. I think the better thing to look at is that you came out as a better person, and that you fucking survived it. That, is an accomplishment.

Anyway, I ought to look at some of my posts 2013-14. Most of them are pretty fucking terrible as well. Mostly because I was a chode nice guy who was bitching and moaning while choosing to be miserable. Not to mention I'm certain a person we shall call "Melissa" probably read them, and may or may not have recently been trying to troll me as payback (seriously).