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The self-perpetuating delusion of abusive parents
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #1
The self-perpetuating delusion of abusive parents

I found something amazing. Utterly amazing. It boggles my mind how people can actually be this crazy, and how they can remain this crazy in the face of overwhelming evidence that they're being crazy.

This guy has basically been trying to understand parents whose adult children went No Contact with them. There are support forums for that, by the way, and the delusion that goes on there is amazing.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estra...index.html

Thoughts?

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"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
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EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

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01-15-2017 01:01 AM
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Rule_BreakerXVIII Offline
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Post: #2
RE: The self-perpetuating delusion of abusive parents

I can definitely see the Turds going here someday. Scary. .

This last part in particular:

Quote:What Can Be Done About It?

Nothing.

I'm sorry.

When denial runs that deep, when avoidance is that in-ground, a person can't be separated from it any more than they can be separated from their bones. It's why I aimed this site at estranged adult children and outsiders: because members of estranged parents' forums can't be helped. Their entire system of defenses is designed to make them unsavable.

From my own experiences with a former friend who had the same difficulty absorbing negative input, I can tell you that by framing criticism very, very carefully, with lots of positive input and as little emotion as possible, you can coax someone to accept little slivers of negative feedback. But you have to explain it so gently that they don't understand how serious the situation is, and in a few weeks they're back to their old selves.

You can also train them by addressing each problem in the moment. As soon as they do something wrong, you tell them what they did and give them immediate consequences, like ending the visit. Each time you do it they'll tantrum and spray abuse in all directions, but with repetition they'll learn that doing thing-they-like X causes thing-they-hate Y. Maybe they'll stop doing X. Maybe they'll stop visiting, and they'll tell the rest of the family how controlling and cruel you are. Maybe your mental health will survive the tantrums and abuse and escalating tactics long enough for them to pick one or the other. It's like training a toddler, but without any hope that the toddler will grow out of it.

There's a reason the members of estranged parents' forums are estranged.

If you're an estranged adult child and you're looking for a way to get your parents to hear what the problem is, I'm sorry, but you have your answer already. They don't want to know. They may be incapable of knowing. There are no magic words that will penetrate their defenses.

The good news is that you're free. You can stop now. If you need permission, I'll give it to you: You are hereby allowed to stop trying to get through to your wilfully deaf parents.

Please stop.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
(This post was last modified: 01-15-2017 05:21 AM by Rule_BreakerXVIII.)
01-15-2017 05:10 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #3
The self-perpetuating delusion of abusive parents

Yeah... it's really sad. Especially because most of the parents who are like that were abused in the past, and now they're abusing their own kids, but they're so deep in denial about it. They've been so desensitized that they actually think emotional abuse is a fake thing.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estra...-rare.html

Quote:The members of estranged parents' forums agree that abuse is an acceptable reason to estrange your parents. They also have high standards for what counts as abuse.

What situation from a childhood would explain estrangement from your parents?

This is my list:

1) Leaving them alone for days on end with no food.
2) Letting men have sex with them or selling their bodies for sex or porno.
3) Beating the hell out of them.
4) Burning them with cigarettes.
5) Exposing them to and giving them street drugs.


They're very, very clear that abuse has to be severe to justify estrangement. Mild physical abuse isn't enough; you have to beat the hell out of your kids or burn them with cigarettes. Abuse of legal drugs like alcohol doesn't count. Moderate neglect doesn't count, just neglect so severe that the kids would be lucky to survive it.

Emotional abuse isn't a legitimate excuse—too easy to claim, too hard to prove, too likely an accusation to have been leveled at the member in question. Many members of estranged parents' forums have divorced abusive spouses and freely describe their exes as emotionally abusive, but they find estranged children's s claims of emotional abuse highly suspect.


It's like... describing colours to a person who has never been able to see... you just can't. They just won't understand... wow.

And it sucks, because they are clearly hurting too... and it's basically impossible to help them.

Support School Survival on Patreon or Donate Bitcoin Here: 1Q5WCcxWjayniaL92b8GfXBiGdfjmnUNa2

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

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01-15-2017 06:02 AM
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the Analogist Offline
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Post: #4
The self-perpetuating delusion of abusive parents

This is really interesting stuff here. Its probably going to be included in my eventual essay "Structures of Evil" where I break down sincerity/purity and compare it to its opposite dishonesty/corruption.

Its like if I as a lowly walmart part-timer complained to not even the CEO, but the Market Manager about how we're underpaid. I don't think ten thousand rubber bands would snap back with more force that the scorn of this lady. I don't know if her bosses are worse villains who see the seed of villainy in her and want to foster its growth or what, but jeez!!!

Remember that song?
Sweet dreams are made of this
In the music video it showed a picture of the world, so I'm pretty sure its meant to reference material things.

who am I to disagree?

I travel the world and the seven seas,
Everybody is looking for something

Some of them want to use you

Indeed this is how most of America probably feels, but the perpetually abused seem get to a point where they don't even feel it anymore.

Some of them want to get used by you
That is scary true.

Some of them want to abuse you
Indeed

Some of them want to be abused
One form of abuse is just pure neglect. Kids "raised" this way tend to be the ones with the least self-respect and morality. They are the ones who want to be used and abused, so to feel at least that minimal level of relevance. Really scary.

The one thing nobody can control is who their parents are. The great challenge is to do what you need to survive spiritually. Sometimes that's really freaking hard because abandoning them is sometimes the only way, but it is not an easy way.

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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(This post was last modified: 01-18-2017 02:24 PM by the Analogist.)
01-18-2017 02:21 PM
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