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I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

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Why do people want to be in a relationship?
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Cianna200 Offline
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Post: #31
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

Quote:
If my female friend gets a boyfriend, sooner or later I will be tossed aside or dubbed relatively unimportant.
Sadhug
That happens with my male friends too.

I am sorry to hear that, and thanks for the hug.

Quote:
If my male friend falls in love with me, (which has an over 90% chance of happening) I will be accused of being a friendzoner because I wouldn't want a romantic relationship.
Luckily that hasn't happened to me all that much. I mean, it has, but it's not the most common problem. Probably because they see me as "one of the guys" in a sense. So that kinda helps, but also kinda doesn't... friends get abandoned when "more important" things like romantic relationships are an option. That makes me sad.

What is the most common problem for you? "One of the guys"?
Friends shouldn't be abandoned, what does that say about the one who abandoned them? That they are a poor excuse for a friend, and the scary thing is how common shitty friends are. I know someone who did admit that they don't think their friends are important, at least not compared to their lover, I wouldn't want to be friends with that person for sure. I feel you, I really do, this makes me think that friendship is a waste of time if this is how a "friend" would eventually view friendship, the relationship that is nothing special.
I will return the hug. Sadhug
(This post was last modified: 07-01-2016 07:29 AM by Cianna200.)
07-01-2016 07:29 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #32
Why do people want to be in a relationship?

Quote:What is the most common problem for you? "One of the guys"?
I don't see that as a problem. The most common problem is like you said: people don't value friendship very much. Sad

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07-02-2016 12:39 AM
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the Analogist Offline
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Post: #33
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

I'm pretty sure my wife is not so attracted to dudes other than me. She's got a very strong sense of loyalty and dedication, but I have no idea what thoughts hide in her heart, nor she mine. My insecurities have been reassured on various occassions.

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07-02-2016 06:26 AM
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Cianna200 Offline
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Post: #34
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

A big problem if you ask me :( I did make a male friend, luckily he's an aromantic. I hope it's not true what some people believe, that the only people capable of real friendship are aromantics.
07-02-2016 07:01 AM
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Post: #35
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

Chemicals.
07-03-2016 07:15 AM
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Ghostlight Offline
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Post: #36
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

(06-26-2016 04:07 PM)UnicornLionWolf Wrote:  Like others have mentioned, sex. I know one can have sex outside of a relationship, but banging multiple people runs an STD risk.

It's also the only way to get a steady supply of sex. You can have sex outside of a relationship, but statistically speaking, you're going to get more tail with an SO than without one. Holding down a relationship is hands down the superior mating strategy for most people.

Quote:I think we all have this perception that romantic love is on a deeper level. Maybe it is. I've never really been in a relationship. And yet, I feel as though I desire romantic love.

"Romantic" love is emphasized far, far too heavily these days. It's an ancient concept, but it's only recently people have married for it. Considering that it comes and goes even in the best relationships, it's no wonder so many people are unhappy and end up divorced.

Marriage was primarily about the exchange of property. It helped women avoid falling into poverty, and it offered men an assurance that they wouldn't expend resources raising children that weren't their own.

What's funny is how this entirely unromantic arrangement can result in couples that care very deeply for one another. I'm guessing it has to do with the lack of euphoric visions of a perfect life and the presence of a grounded view of reality coupled with a commitment to make things work.

If someone holds unrealistic expectations and it's easy to move on and try again instead of sticking things out with someone who would be willing to communicate and cooperate, the relationship with inevitably collapse, and both people will wind up hurt and unhappy.

Romance is wonderful, but looking at popular fictions you'd think it's the only kind of love that's worth a damn. The strength of a relationship is determined by what remains when the high wears off, the other person's flaws become apparent, and you have to deal with the doldrums of daily life. There's a kind of beauty in that which needs to be reintroduced into modern consciousness, particularly since it applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Too many throw others away when they're inconvenient or don't bring them constant happiness and affirmations. The ability to accept people as they are is what determines whether someone will be happy.

"Who will grant me wings to fly? And will I have another try? Cause I would not miss my moment again; yes, I will not miss this moment my friend." - Blind Guardian
07-04-2016 06:24 AM
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Cianna200 Offline
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Post: #37
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

*slow clap*
07-04-2016 06:44 AM
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Ghostlight Offline
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Post: #38
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

(06-27-2016 05:22 AM)SoulRiser Wrote:  If you are 100% happy on your own, you love yourself, you have everything else you want in life, you never have to do anything you don't want to... will you still want a relationship then? If so, for what reason?

Like you've said elsewhere in the thread, people don't value friendship that much.

Rather, I can't think of any friends I have who value friendship so highly they would make a point of living near me, calling me regularly, or otherwise going to great lengths to keep me in their world when - for lack of a better of way of putting it - they have shit to do.

I wouldn't want them to. I want my friends to be successful. I know they have limited time, resources, and energy, and that I can't be their highest priority. I'll catch up with them when time allows. I'll visit them when I can. I'll make the most of our time together, but I suspect all but one or two of my friendships will cycle out of my life at some point. That's how things go. We're not tightly-knit tribes wandering the Savannah anymore. This is the tradeoff.

I want a relationship because I know I'm not an island, and I hate the upheaval I experience when I cycle into a phase where most of the people I know intimately have exited my life for one reason or another. I look for stability; I work to make things last. I want someone who I can support, who shares my values, who I can make better by my presence, and who can do the same for me. I want to build something that lasts most - if not the entirety - of our lives.

I'd like to have children someday. I can't see giving them a stable environment without having achieved that, and I wouldn't want to have them if I couldn't be sure I and their mother would be in their lives barring misfortune. I love the intimacy that builds over time when you share things with a person you've shared with few others, maybe no one else. I like seeing the best and worst of someone, and knowing they've seen the darkness and light within me and they're still there.

I don't believe anyone is 100% happy and content with themselves and by themselves all the time. I'm not sure it's possible, if only because we possess drives that are overpowering. Even so, if it couldn't quell the desire for friendship, it couldn't quell the desire for romantic love as it arguably exists along the same spectrum. Rather, I believe it's a mix of things that result in a peak experience, and that being open to connection means it's a possibility.

For me, what I'm looking for is essentially a lifelong, committed friendship where the other person is traveling the same road in the same direction and accepts my help while offering her own. Romance is an indulgence - and in my opinion, a fun one - but not the main event. It's where lust, love, and infatuation intersect. Sure, I enjoy it when it's there, but I don't pine for it when there's work to be done. Trying to maintain peak experiences indefinitely never ends well. (See: an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting.)

There's the primal need for sex and reproduction, but I don't think the desire for companionship goes much beyond the need for connection. It's wanting a specific kind of connection where you stand naked before the other person with all your noble qualities and faults on display with the knowledge that they accept and stand by you through whatever challenges life brings. At least, I think it's what people hope for, but few have the courage to go for it, particularly since the more they expose the more they struggle with self-rejection, and when they get mired in that they sabotage what they say they want most.

"Who will grant me wings to fly? And will I have another try? Cause I would not miss my moment again; yes, I will not miss this moment my friend." - Blind Guardian
07-04-2016 06:54 AM
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Cianna200 Offline
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Post: #39
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

For me, what I'm looking for is essentially a lifelong, committed friendship where the other person is traveling the same road in the same direction and accepts my help while offering her own.

Perhaps it is a passionate friendship you are looking for, they are very rare unfortunately.
07-04-2016 07:16 AM
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the Analogist Offline
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Post: #40
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

I disagree. It kinda describes how I feel about my wife.

Note: my wife and I never dated and only met about 2 months before we got married

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07-04-2016 07:18 AM
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Cianna200 Offline
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Post: #41
RE: Why do people want to be in a relationship?

I don't believe anyone is 100% happy and content with themselves and by themselves all the time.

Too many people are dependent, putting their happiness in the hands of another person, instead of being self reliant, we set ourselves up for misery by believing a person, another flawed being (who can be taken away from us) can hold the key to happiness by fulfilling our every need and desire, that's not the way it works.

Are you directing that to me?
(This post was last modified: 07-04-2016 07:21 AM by Cianna200.)
07-04-2016 07:20 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #42
Why do people want to be in a relationship?

Quote:For me, what I'm looking for is essentially a lifelong, committed friendship where the other person is traveling the same road in the same direction and accepts my help while offering her own.
This is what I'd like too. It doesn't have to be just one person, though, since I'm pretty much ignoring all the romantic stuff.

Thanks for your explanations, I can see you've actually given this quite a bit of thought.

Quote:I look for stability; I work to make things last. I want someone who I can support, who shares my values, who I can make better by my presence, and who can do the same for me. I want to build something that lasts most - if not the entirety - of our lives.
Even if you do all of that... there's no guarantee of stability. I mean, it'd be awesome to be able to trust another human 100%, it'd be awesome if they are willing to be as reliable as you... but ultimately there's no way to guarantee that.

Since I stopped expecting people I've known for many years to always be there for me (because as it turns out, they weren't)... I've found I actually appreciate the people around me more. I can appreciate their company more while I have it, keeping in mind that it probably won't always be available. They will probably fade out of my life at some point eventually, as people tend to do. Which is kind of sad, but also... not. As long as I keep meeting more interesting people, I should be fine. I don't like doing this, but I guess I'm treating people as temporary disposable things now... out of necessity. :(

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07-04-2016 08:17 AM
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