"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

[Ghostlight]

I'm a 28 year old recovering from a binge eating disorder, childhood trauma, and severe bouts of depression.

I could write books about my life, but there's time enough for that. The best stories don't begin with an exposition dump. They start where things get interesting, and give you only what you need to empathize with the protagonist.

After reaching a crushing low over the past few years, I made it my mission to conquer my mental health issues and get my life on track. I refused to trod to my grave dreading waking up each morning. I'm going to die no matter how I live, and there's no hell - real or imagined - that's worse than looking back in shame because I never tried to break the bars of the cage within my own mind.

Part of my depression was a deep, abiding loneliness that stemmed from isolation, imposed and self-imposed. I have never felt like I fit somewhere. I have never felt like I have a purpose in this world, or a tribe I belong to.

But I hate school, right? I can't express that opinion in most spheres. Rather, I can and do, but to be the only person in the room to think the way I do 95% of the time has worn on me, especially with the lack of support I've had through most of my life. It's not that I expect or desire agreement; in fact, I love disagreement and the insights that emerge through contrast. I don't want - and have never wanted - a safe space. What I want is to test myself and my ideas so I can clarify who I am and get stronger without worrying that I will be shunned because I want to explore things that aren't talked about or take stances that are far from the norm.

I thought to myself - I can't be the only one experiencing that.

That led me here. I discovered this place months ago, and I figure it's time I start interacting with you lovely folks. I can't say I have any idea where I'm going yet, but if I'm ever going to miss the ground, I'd best start throwing myself at it.

As an aside, I am a metalhead. I didn't find the field where I could enter a signature, but this is what I had in mind:

"Who will grant me wings to fly? And will I have another try? Cause I would not miss my moment again; yes, I will not miss this moment my friend." - Blind Guardian, At the Edge of Time

[SoulRiser]

Hi there! Welcome to SS

You seem like a really interesting person. I've also always felt like I don't quite belong anywhere, even though I briefly found a group of people I got along with awesomely and thought "this is my tribe" and that we'd be friends forever... well... that didn't quite turn out that way. I like to grow, too, and apparently most people do not.

Quote:to be the only person in the room to think the way I do 95% of the time has worn on me

I know that feeling all too well.

You may find this relevant: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2010/04/leadership/

Quote:It's not that I expect or desire agreement; in fact, I love disagreement and the insights that emerge through contrast. I don't want - and have never wanted - a safe space.

That makes sense. I used to like that as well - testing my opinions to find out if they really hold up to scrutiny and whatnot. Now I hardly have any opinions anymore, and the ones I do, I've already tested thoroughly, and I feel bored and irritated when someone tries to challenge those. It's like "ugh, I've been over this so many times already, leave me alone".
But it depends on the other person - if they're genuinely curious about what I think and they want to understand my point of view, then I'm happy to discuss it with them. But if they just want to argue or "win", then I can't be bothered.

Quote:I didn't find the field where I could enter a signature

Here's the shortcut for that: http://forums.school-survival.net/usercp...on=editsig
... but I think I may have set it so you need a certain post count before you can use it, due to spammers and whatnot.

[kellie]

(06-17-2016 06:00 PM)Ghostlight Wrote:  I'm a 28 year old recovering from a binge eating disorder, childhood trauma, and severe bouts of depression.

I could write books about my life, but there's time enough for that. The best stories don't begin with an exposition dump. They start where things get interesting, and give you only what you need to empathize with the protagonist.

After reaching a crushing low over the past few years, I made it my mission to conquer my mental health issues and get my life on track. I refused to trod to my grave dreading waking up each morning. I'm going to die no matter how I live, and there's no hell - real or imagined - that's worse than looking back in shame because I never tried to break the bars of the cage within my own mind.

Part of my depression was a deep, abiding loneliness that stemmed from isolation, imposed and self-imposed. I have never felt like I fit somewhere. I have never felt like I have a purpose in this world, or a tribe I belong to.

But I hate school, right? I can't express that opinion in most spheres. Rather, I can and do, but to be the only person in the room to think the way I do 95% of the time has worn on me, especially with the lack of support I've had through most of my life. It's not that I expect or desire agreement; in fact, I love disagreement and the insights that emerge through contrast. I don't want - and have never wanted - a safe space. What I want is to test myself and my ideas so I can clarify who I am and get stronger without worrying that I will be shunned because I want to explore things that aren't talked about or take stances that are far from the norm.

I thought to myself - I can't be the only one experiencing that.

That led me here. I discovered this place months ago, and I figure it's time I start interacting with you lovely folks. I can't say I have any idea where I'm going yet, but if I'm ever going to miss the ground, I'd best start throwing myself at it.

As an aside, I am a metalhead. I didn't find the field where I could enter a signature, but this is what I had in mind:

"Who will grant me wings to fly? And will I have another try? Cause I would not miss my moment again; yes, I will not miss this moment my friend." - Blind Guardian, At the Edge of Time

Hey there. Welcome. I agree with SoulRiser that you seem really interesting.

I think a lot of us have found SS because of similar issues. And because of having a different mindset and wanting to explore alternative ideas. It's unfortunate that there's so little support for such things in most regular places.

[the Analogist]

I actually found a tribe i belong to. Problem is we are scattered by the fact that each of us has to make money according to... basically our destiny.

This crowd may not be my tribe, but we share a TON of common interests, which should remain distinct from finding the tribe.

Good to have you here. We try to work out each others problems which appear to be related frequently to underachievment, lack of understanding/support, and lack of ability to do what we want to. Essentially everything school seeks to make a reality for us.

[Ghostlight]

(06-19-2016 03:00 AM)SoulRiser Wrote:  That makes sense. I used to like that as well - testing my opinions to find out if they really hold up to scrutiny and whatnot. Now I hardly have any opinions anymore, and the ones I do, I've already tested thoroughly, and I feel bored and irritated when someone tries to challenge those. It's like "ugh, I've been over this so many times already, leave me alone". Giggle
But it depends on the other person - if they're genuinely curious about what I think and they want to understand my point of view, then I'm happy to discuss it with them. But if they just want to argue or "win", then I can't be bothered.

I think I'm hitting the point where my opinions are largely decided. I'm always questioning my assumptions about the world, but I realize - being a single mind confined to a rather fragile, fleshy vessel - that more often than not I won't discover truth so much as pick a delusion that appears to work.

But hey, it's still fun to contrast and compare. I like to get to know people. I'm opinionated, and outspoken when I'm feeling confident. I think what burns me is that it seems people have gotten more polarized over time. Your opinions can be "on the right side of history" one day and you're a bigot the next, even if you agree with 99% of what someone is saying. Politics, religion - very little of it is so important it justifies shunning someone for wrongthink, and yet it's so easy to become the target of a ravenous mob these days.

I'd much rather have a civil disagreement over coffee and move on to something else. Feeling like you're always walking through a minefield takes a toll after a while.

Quote:I didn't find the field where I could enter a signature

Here's the shortcut for that: http://forums.school-survival.net/usercp...on=editsig
... but I think I may have set it so you need a certain post count before you can use it, due to spammers and whatnot.
[/quote]

Which is entirely understandable. I was able to get there through the link, and it let me make a signature, so I'm crossing my fingers. Let's see if this works.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

[Ghostlight]

(06-22-2016 01:12 AM)the Analogist Wrote:  This crowd may not be my tribe, but we share a TON of common interests, which should remain distinct from finding the tribe.

It should. At any rate, it's better than trying to bear the weight of the world entirely on your own.

Quote:Good to have you here. We try to work out each others problems which appear to be related frequently to underachievment, lack of understanding/support, and lack of ability to do what we want to. Essentially everything school seeks to make a reality for us.

I've read a lot of material on the evils of school and why it was constructed the way it was. I heard all the time how one of the main purposes of school was socialization. No - it was conformity through social proof. There are lots of brilliant people who could shake the foundations of existing power structures if they had the faith and support to do it.

When you isolate people, you clip their wings. You don't have to remove them from others to accomplish this. In fact, it's most effective if you can make them feel small, weird, and ineffectual within a large group. They conform or they're rejected. Instead of getting the chance to shape the world around them - as they would naturally do if they were allowed to flourish - and build satisfying relationships with others, they rot.

It's brilliant. Coldly brilliant.

That's why I'm glad I live in the age of the internet. People can build what they need to strengthen themselves, and find likeminded individuals across vast distances. Schools don't have a stranglehold on their student's minds anymore, and we have so many resources to deprogram ourselves.

Underachievement... I've wasted so much time because I'd get stuck thinking, "It won't be worth it. I'll try and I'll try, but I won't get anywhere." I have to think a lot of people have found themselves there - the kind of people I'd bump into in places like this.

From what you're saying, I'd guess I was right. Good to meet you. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.