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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

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Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

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A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)
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brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

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Post: #1
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Quote:I watched as the dealer put down the first three cards, the flop. “All in. Your turn Mr.Sterling” the man across me calmly pushed all of his cash forward. It had to be a bluff. I'd have even called him out on it but the two thugs behind him dispelled any notion of that. Losing a few bucks would be better than losing a few teeth. It's not as if I had dental in my line of work. “You make a persuasive point Larry”. I folded and threw my cards. As I began to stand, a thick hand slapped down hard on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.

“Did I say you could leave?” Larry coldly stated and stood up. He walked around the table towards me and sat on my side of the table. “Dick. Can I call you dick? You see, this game means nothing to me. You're playing with my money, so I might as well be playing with myself. You know what I really want. Tell me, where did you hide that suitcase?”. I felt a hot rage rise inside of me. That sleazeball knew I had already paid my debt, yet he seemed to add interest out of thin air. On top of that, he somehow knew about the suitcase. Somebody talked, and when I got out of here, I'd find that person.

“I've told you before Larry, I don't know anything about a suitcase. Anything left in the car is put into the lost and found. Obviously the owner stopped by and picked it up!” Just as I finished my sentence, I felt a violent blow to my gut. I doubled over and coughed, having lost my breath. Larry rubbed his fist and in anger grabbed me by the hair and pulled my head back. “I'm the owner you goddamn thieving bastard. That's my suitcase, and I want it back before I have Joe here crack your freakin' skull like a melon!” He let go of my hair and took a step back. I was just about to say something when he quickly spun around and kicked my chair back.

Larry leaned over and looked down at me. My eyes watered from the pain of hitting my head onto the tiled floor. “You listen to me. You got 48 hours to get me my suitcase. I don't care where you get it, or how you get it, you find it and bring it to me. Otherwise you won't like what I've got planned” Larry and his thugs began to leave. As the last man reached the door, he tossed the key to the handcuffs into the room. To make matters worse, the thug closed the lights as he exited.

I hoping to write a noir story, and this is basically the draft beginning. I've already edited it 3 times, and I'll probably frequently edit it. However this is what I've got at this point Razz

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
(This post was last modified: 05-20-2015 03:18 PM by brainiac3397.)
05-20-2015 03:16 PM
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Ky Offline
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Post: #2
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

I like it - your writing does the genre justice. If you ever need the services of an editor, I could certainly oblige. For instance, I could turn this:

Quote:I watched as the dealer put down the first three cards, the flop. “All in. Your turn Mr.Sterling” the man across me calmly pushed all of his cash forward. It had to be a bluff. I'd have even called him out on it but the two thugs behind him dispelled any notion of that. Losing a few bucks would be better than losing a few teeth. It's not as if I had dental in my line of work. “You make a persuasive point Larry”. I folded and threw my cards. As I began to stand, a thick hand slapped down hard on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.

“Did I say you could leave?” Larry coldly stated and stood up. He walked around the table towards me and sat on my side of the table. “Dick. Can I call you dick? You see, this game means nothing to me. You're playing with my money, so I might as well be playing with myself. You know what I really want. Tell me, where did you hide that suitcase?”. I felt a hot rage rise inside of me. That sleazeball knew I had already paid my debt, yet he seemed to add interest out of thin air. On top of that, he somehow knew about the suitcase. Somebody talked, and when I got out of here, I'd find that person.

Into something like this:

Quote:I watched as the dealer put down the first three cards, the flop.

“All in. Your turn, Mr. Sterling.”

The man across from me calmly pushed all of his cash forward. It had to be a bluff - I'd have even called him out on it but the two thugs behind him dispelled any notion of that. Losing a few bucks would be better than losing a few teeth, and it's not as if I had dental in my line of work.

“You make a persuasive point, Larry.”

I folded and threw my cards. As I began to stand, a thick hand slapped down hard on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.

“Did I say you could leave?” Larry stated coldly as he stood up. He walked around the table towards me, sat on my side of the table, and continued, “Dick. Can I call you Dick? You see, this game means nothing to me. You're playing with my money, so I might as well be playing with myself. You know what I really want. Tell me, where did you hide that suitcase?”

I felt a hot rage rise inside of me. That sleazeball knew I had already paid my debt, yet he seemed to add interest out of thin air. On top of that, he somehow knew about the suitcase - somebody talked, and when I got out of there, I was going to find that person.

Granted, there's a few errors I might not have caught, there's a few stylistic choices I may have overridden, and I can't tell what you meant by a handful of phrasings, but you get the idea.

Public Service Announcement: First world problems are still problems.
05-21-2015 01:21 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

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Post: #3
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Yerp. Still a work in progress.

I think my main character is gonna be a taxi driver. Thats the direction I was heading I believe. Richard Sterling.

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-21-2015 01:31 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

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Post: #4
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Time to work on an outline. The short draft I've written got the ball rolling, and from it I'll develop a wider story.

Let's see if I can find an appropriate outline method. Linear outlining won't work. I've got something polygonal in mind...

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-22-2015 12:36 PM
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craxyguy562 Offline
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Post: #5
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

A taxi driver. Interesting job for a main character.

[Image: gUJMoO7.png]

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Homework brings the hell of school home.

Gwedin Wrote:  Dat feel when you get home, realise it's Friday, and itch your buttcrack.
05-22-2015 02:49 PM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #6
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Lots of noir involve a cop or detective or pricate investigator but I want something different.

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
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Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-23-2015 12:17 AM
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craxyguy562 Offline
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RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

(05-23-2015 12:17 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Lots of noir involve a cop or detective or pricate investigator but I want something different.

Salute

[Image: gUJMoO7.png]

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Homework brings the hell of school home.

Gwedin Wrote:  Dat feel when you get home, realise it's Friday, and itch your buttcrack.
05-23-2015 02:43 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #8
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

atm I've got

Richard Sterling=Taxi Driver(?), dragged into crime world, morally questionable(thus developing into anti-hero)

Larry McCallister=Small-time crook, big mouth sleaze, screwed up one-too-many times(and now has to fix it or else)

Samantha Julliard Harrington=Married to wealthy casino owner

Walter Harrington=Wealthy casino owner, obsessed with a young up'n'coming singer

Veronica Hayworth=up'n'coming singer, daughter of mob boss

Salvatore "Sal" Pellegrino=Mob boss

There will probably be 2 more people. One will be a cop for sure, and for the last person I'm not entirely sure. I'm going for an octagonal outline system(basically an octagon with each corner per character, and an outline for each "arc" between various characters with the center being the overall story)

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-23-2015 05:54 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #9
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Total revamp of this. Something occured to me. We have fantasy, but I havent heard of any fantasy noir. So I shall totally re-write this into a historical fantasy noir. We always follow the heros but my story will have the heros on the side(so itll be like two stories in one. The main one from point of view of the main antihero character and then various mentions of the journey and progress of the "real heros".

This way I also get to create a fantasy world.

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
01-20-2016 01:11 PM
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Username Offline
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Post: #10
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Don't bite off more than you can chew.
01-21-2016 03:00 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

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Post: #11
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

(01-21-2016 03:00 AM)Username Wrote:  Don't bite off more than you can chew.

Too late, I already swallowed it.

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
01-21-2016 09:47 AM
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