RIP School Survival Forums
August 2001 - June 2017

The School Survival Forums are permanently retired. If you need help with quitting school, unsupportive parents or anything else, there is a list of resources on the Help Page.

To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

The forums are mostly read-only and are in a maintenance/testing phase, before being permanently archived. Please use this time to get the contact details of people you'd like to keep in touch with. Send me a message if you'd like to keep in touch with me & Steve.

Please do not make a mirror copy of the forums in their current state - things will still change, and some people have requested to be able to edit or delete some of their personal info.


Post Reply 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)
Author Message
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #1
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Quote:I watched as the dealer put down the first three cards, the flop. “All in. Your turn Mr.Sterling” the man across me calmly pushed all of his cash forward. It had to be a bluff. I'd have even called him out on it but the two thugs behind him dispelled any notion of that. Losing a few bucks would be better than losing a few teeth. It's not as if I had dental in my line of work. “You make a persuasive point Larry”. I folded and threw my cards. As I began to stand, a thick hand slapped down hard on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.

“Did I say you could leave?” Larry coldly stated and stood up. He walked around the table towards me and sat on my side of the table. “Dick. Can I call you dick? You see, this game means nothing to me. You're playing with my money, so I might as well be playing with myself. You know what I really want. Tell me, where did you hide that suitcase?”. I felt a hot rage rise inside of me. That sleazeball knew I had already paid my debt, yet he seemed to add interest out of thin air. On top of that, he somehow knew about the suitcase. Somebody talked, and when I got out of here, I'd find that person.

“I've told you before Larry, I don't know anything about a suitcase. Anything left in the car is put into the lost and found. Obviously the owner stopped by and picked it up!” Just as I finished my sentence, I felt a violent blow to my gut. I doubled over and coughed, having lost my breath. Larry rubbed his fist and in anger grabbed me by the hair and pulled my head back. “I'm the owner you goddamn thieving bastard. That's my suitcase, and I want it back before I have Joe here crack your freakin' skull like a melon!” He let go of my hair and took a step back. I was just about to say something when he quickly spun around and kicked my chair back.

Larry leaned over and looked down at me. My eyes watered from the pain of hitting my head onto the tiled floor. “You listen to me. You got 48 hours to get me my suitcase. I don't care where you get it, or how you get it, you find it and bring it to me. Otherwise you won't like what I've got planned” Larry and his thugs began to leave. As the last man reached the door, he tossed the key to the handcuffs into the room. To make matters worse, the thug closed the lights as he exited.

I hoping to write a noir story, and this is basically the draft beginning. I've already edited it 3 times, and I'll probably frequently edit it. However this is what I've got at this point Razz

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
(This post was last modified: 05-20-2015 03:18 PM by brainiac3397.)
05-20-2015 03:16 PM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
Ky Offline
Shadow

Posts: 5,201
Joined: Aug 2012
Thanks: 1798
Given 1467 thank(s) in 972 post(s)
Post: #2
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

I like it - your writing does the genre justice. If you ever need the services of an editor, I could certainly oblige. For instance, I could turn this:

Quote:I watched as the dealer put down the first three cards, the flop. “All in. Your turn Mr.Sterling” the man across me calmly pushed all of his cash forward. It had to be a bluff. I'd have even called him out on it but the two thugs behind him dispelled any notion of that. Losing a few bucks would be better than losing a few teeth. It's not as if I had dental in my line of work. “You make a persuasive point Larry”. I folded and threw my cards. As I began to stand, a thick hand slapped down hard on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.

“Did I say you could leave?” Larry coldly stated and stood up. He walked around the table towards me and sat on my side of the table. “Dick. Can I call you dick? You see, this game means nothing to me. You're playing with my money, so I might as well be playing with myself. You know what I really want. Tell me, where did you hide that suitcase?”. I felt a hot rage rise inside of me. That sleazeball knew I had already paid my debt, yet he seemed to add interest out of thin air. On top of that, he somehow knew about the suitcase. Somebody talked, and when I got out of here, I'd find that person.

Into something like this:

Quote:I watched as the dealer put down the first three cards, the flop.

“All in. Your turn, Mr. Sterling.”

The man across from me calmly pushed all of his cash forward. It had to be a bluff - I'd have even called him out on it but the two thugs behind him dispelled any notion of that. Losing a few bucks would be better than losing a few teeth, and it's not as if I had dental in my line of work.

“You make a persuasive point, Larry.”

I folded and threw my cards. As I began to stand, a thick hand slapped down hard on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat.

“Did I say you could leave?” Larry stated coldly as he stood up. He walked around the table towards me, sat on my side of the table, and continued, “Dick. Can I call you Dick? You see, this game means nothing to me. You're playing with my money, so I might as well be playing with myself. You know what I really want. Tell me, where did you hide that suitcase?”

I felt a hot rage rise inside of me. That sleazeball knew I had already paid my debt, yet he seemed to add interest out of thin air. On top of that, he somehow knew about the suitcase - somebody talked, and when I got out of there, I was going to find that person.

Granted, there's a few errors I might not have caught, there's a few stylistic choices I may have overridden, and I can't tell what you meant by a handful of phrasings, but you get the idea.

Public Service Announcement: First world problems are still problems.
05-21-2015 01:21 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #3
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Yerp. Still a work in progress.

I think my main character is gonna be a taxi driver. Thats the direction I was heading I believe. Richard Sterling.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-21-2015 01:31 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #4
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Time to work on an outline. The short draft I've written got the ball rolling, and from it I'll develop a wider story.

Let's see if I can find an appropriate outline method. Linear outlining won't work. I've got something polygonal in mind...

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-22-2015 12:36 PM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
craxyguy562 Offline
Pariah

Posts: 964
Joined: Oct 2013
Thanks: 173
Given 133 thank(s) in 97 post(s)
Post: #5
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

A taxi driver. Interesting job for a main character.

[Image: gUJMoO7.png]

Hidden stuff:
Homework brings the hell of school home.

Gwedin Wrote:  Dat feel when you get home, realise it's Friday, and itch your buttcrack.
05-22-2015 02:49 PM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #6
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Lots of noir involve a cop or detective or pricate investigator but I want something different.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-23-2015 12:17 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
craxyguy562 Offline
Pariah

Posts: 964
Joined: Oct 2013
Thanks: 173
Given 133 thank(s) in 97 post(s)
Post: #7
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

(05-23-2015 12:17 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Lots of noir involve a cop or detective or pricate investigator but I want something different.

Salute

[Image: gUJMoO7.png]

Hidden stuff:
Homework brings the hell of school home.

Gwedin Wrote:  Dat feel when you get home, realise it's Friday, and itch your buttcrack.
05-23-2015 02:43 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #8
A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

atm I've got

Richard Sterling=Taxi Driver(?), dragged into crime world, morally questionable(thus developing into anti-hero)

Larry McCallister=Small-time crook, big mouth sleaze, screwed up one-too-many times(and now has to fix it or else)

Samantha Julliard Harrington=Married to wealthy casino owner

Walter Harrington=Wealthy casino owner, obsessed with a young up'n'coming singer

Veronica Hayworth=up'n'coming singer, daughter of mob boss

Salvatore "Sal" Pellegrino=Mob boss

There will probably be 2 more people. One will be a cop for sure, and for the last person I'm not entirely sure. I'm going for an octagonal outline system(basically an octagon with each corner per character, and an outline for each "arc" between various characters with the center being the overall story)

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-23-2015 05:54 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #9
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Total revamp of this. Something occured to me. We have fantasy, but I havent heard of any fantasy noir. So I shall totally re-write this into a historical fantasy noir. We always follow the heros but my story will have the heros on the side(so itll be like two stories in one. The main one from point of view of the main antihero character and then various mentions of the journey and progress of the "real heros".

This way I also get to create a fantasy world.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
01-20-2016 01:11 PM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
Username Offline
Drunkard

Posts: 907
Joined: Jul 2013
Thanks: 72
Given 228 thank(s) in 166 post(s)
Post: #10
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

Don't bite off more than you can chew.
01-21-2016 03:00 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

Posts: 9,823
Joined: Feb 2013
Thanks: 20
Given 1983 thank(s) in 1428 post(s)
Post: #11
RE: A Work in Progress(Brainiac Noir)

(01-21-2016 03:00 AM)Username Wrote:  Don't bite off more than you can chew.

Too late, I already swallowed it.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

Hidden stuff:
[Image: watch-out-we-got-a-badass-over-here-meme-240x180.png]
Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
01-21-2016 09:47 AM
Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply 


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread: Author Replies: Views: Last Post
  More Brainiac Art! brainiac3397 6 1,589 01-25-2014 03:22 AM
Last Post: brainiac3397
  Brainiac's doodles brainiac3397 4 1,587 09-23-2013 11:23 PM
Last Post: brainiac3397
  Realistic Hand in progress Reptorian 1 516 12-06-2009 07:33 AM
Last Post: random_name

Forum Jump:


User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Contact Us | School Survival | Return to Top | Return to Content | Mobile Version | RSS Syndication