I hate school. Or something. Suggest a better title.
I'm in college. Because. Because I'm supposed to be. Because what the fuck else would I do. Because I'm not an entrepreneur. Because I can't stand the boredom of just working in wendy's and having nothing else to do. When I did that, for 3 months, I missed school. I wanted to have puzzles to solve and people to talk to. I know and knew that teachers don't see school or classes as something they are doing for you, I know/knew that they see it as them being in charge of you, but you don't have to see it that way. You can take advantage of the good aspects and just not let them have control over you. They want to control your mind, but just don't let them. That was how I made it through elementary school. I was never tamed. I did the assignment when and if I felt like it. I happened to feel like it pretty often, but I know that I spent most of 1st-4th grade dreaming, wandering around the room, playing with paper, doodling, pretty much anything besides paying attention to the "teacher". Lucky for me, they didn't give much of a shit because I always got A's on the tests. And sometimes the teacher would call on me, bring me out of a story I was making up in my head and ask me all snootily, "How do you spell 'cactus'?" And I'd answer their dumb questions and go right back to my story, and I know they hated me for it, they hated me for my knowledge and my rejection of their authority.
But community college was better than that shit, it was way fucking better than middle school and high school. The teachers kind of seemed to respect you. I took the classes I took because I actually wanted to learn that topic. It was really just like, You wanna learn calculus, you payed the money, this person is here to tell you about it. Spanish class was dumb. But the teacher of that class was someone who taught at a middle school during the day and taught at CC at night. So of course she was a dumb bitch. And note that I did not go on to take spanish 2. Oh, the texas history class was retarded also. But it still felt different, better, so some classes turn out to be bad... it's still fun to learn stuff. And have other people to talk to about it, instead of just reading it in a book by yourself in your room.
So after working at Wendy's for 3 months and doing nothing else and feeling like my brain was turning to mush, I decided/realized that I needed to do something to get a better job than this and that I needed to do something that involved thinking. So I took college classes again. But I couldn't think of any job I actually wanted to do. So maybe I was in college because I knew that without it I would be bored. Maybe that's why I have stayed in college all this time, even though I hate it. Because UALR and Tarleton are not like TCC. At TCC, I felt respected. But at UALR and Tarleton, it feels like high school again. I'm not sure why. But it feels awful and disgusting and I don't want to do it... but then I think of what I would do if I weren't in college and I realize I would be working in Wendy's or some other shit fastfood place and I'd feel like shit all the time. I can't do that all my life. So being in college and hating it is better than that. Even though there have been several semesters where half way through I quit going to class and spent all my time just sort of hanging out. Not going back at all would be worse. I can't work in a fucking wendy's for the rest of my life.
I wish it could be like TCC. I don't understand why it's not. If it were, it would be awesome. I could get some stupid fastfood job and do that and classes, and I would be doing the classes because I want to do them, not because they are leading to a job. You know, that's part of the problem at these stupid universities. I'm not taking the classes I want to take. I'm taking the required classes. Which means I'm just doing it for a degree. Which means I'm just doing it for a job. But I can't think of any job I want to do for the rest of my life. So I'm terrified. And that's also part of why I often quit going to class and hide in my room for several weeks. These classes are leading somewhere I don't want to go. I'm not sure exactly where they are leading. There's this big cloud of shit over in that direction and college leads that way. Exactly which turd I'm headed towards isn't of consequence.
I think I've thought this before, but now I'm thinking it again and being more sure of it. Whatever the hell job I have, I don't want it to be my whole life. I want to always be taking classes. But not at a university that feels like a high school. I want to take classes at TCC or another community college, where I feel like the professors respect me and everyone is there because they choose to be and they take the classes because they like the fucking topic and you can talk to your classmates about the stuff and exercise your brain and learn what you want to learn and fail if you want to fail, because it's your own damn money and it's only 50$ per credit hour because it's a community college. Community college is like my club. My social life.
Maybe it's just because I've been in school all my life and I'm trying to stick with the known. But I really did like TCC.
But this school. Tarleton. It sucks. I hate it. I hate it more than almost anything else. I have to take 7 fucking classes next semester, and they are all going to have shitty homework given by shitty professors who don't respect me, who don't give a shit what I want to learn, who will tell me not to "waste my time" by taking classes that aren't required, who just want to fill me up like I'm a robot, fill me up with math and send me off to lockheed or whatever the fuck to be their number cruncher. There will be so much work to do and NONE of it will be interesting. Except for the spanish class I'm taking. That will have some interesting content. The other classes will all be stupid and I will hate them. I want to go back to TCC and take 2 classes at a time, instead of 7, and take classes that interest me, instead of ones that are on the degree plan, and feel relaxed in class, instead of stressing about my GPA.
Here comes the part you'll all hate me for. The job I'm going for now is high school teacher. Why? Because it's easy and pays well. I'm going to be applying for other jobs too along the way, and if I find something good enough I'll totally just stop there. Like, if I could get a job at the bank and if it pays at least 35k, I'd do that and fuck this teaching this. But I don't know if I can get a job at the bank. I don't know if the bank will be hiring a year from now. I don't know if anywhere will be hiring. But I'm getting a fucking math degree and math teachers are in "high demand" for some idiotic reason, so if I do this retardo teaching program, then I can probably get a job as a teacher and it pays 50k. I'd totally want to be a college teacher but you have to have a master's degree for that and fuck that. It's going to be bad enough taking the summer teaching classes.
But seriously. If I can get a job around here that isn't being a fucking prison warden and isn't working at wal-mart, I'll totally do it, and probably go to graduate school part-time also.
There was this thing in a book by Daniel Quinn about this rich kid who didn't know what he wanted to "do", and his parents were like, That's OK, you can live with us till you figure it out, because we're fucking rich. And one day when he was like 30 or something, he walked into the lake on his family's property and drowned himself. That's what happens when someone feels purposeless. That's how I've been feeling, though I would never kill myself.
I have a goal now. There's a guy that I want marry and he wants me to have a job first, so that's my motivation.
Stupid crap about my stupid relationship:
The other day, he kept making fun of me for not being able to swallow pills and then he sent me a text message that he lost money playing poker online and I was mad that he hadn't apologized to me and wanted to talk about his stupid poker crap, but it turned out he was actually upset and wanted me to comfort him, but sucked at conveying that and got all butthurt because i was "yelling" at him about the pill thing. And like, in the middle of this, he yet again made fun of me for not being able to swallow pills, so how the fuck was I supposed to be able to tell that he was seriously upset? And then he was like sarcastically "thanks for the sympathy", "Thanks for supporting me when I really needed you," and I was like WTF!? I thought he was joking because he wasn't giving me any sympathy at all about having to chew up disgusting pills because I CAN'T SWALLOW THEM. I didn't realize he was being serious when he said he felt depressed and like there was no point to his life. He says shit like that all the time and then laughs. I guess maybe he's always serious, but that was the only time he ever expected comfort from me, and this was all taking place over text messages, so I just couldn't tell how he was feeling. And I still blame him for making fun of me in the middle of it and not saying something like "no, really, I'm actually upset. And by the way, I'm sorry I made fun of you, but I feel like shit right now so can we talk about this first please." Well, anyway, we've since talked about it and he said it was his fault, but I'm still like grrarafgefggdfgg when I think about it.
Life is good. Jeta është e mirë.
Die lewe is goed.
Het leven is goed.
Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?
Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you!
Re: I hate school. Or something. Suggest a better title.
Being a teacher can be really stressful when the people your teaching are shit faces. But I have found if your an awesome teacher most people don't get pissy so everything is awesome. But if you ever do become a teacher. Remember how the kid feels and how you would have felt back then.
Also you should probley talk to the guy in person because text + his lack of communication skills = fail.
Re: I hate school. Or something. Suggest a better title.
I like you.
You're... you said it so well.
"I'm not taking the classes I want to take. I'm taking the required classes. Which means I'm just doing it for a degree. Which means I'm just doing it for a job."
The world would probably be a different place if people were allowed to relentlessly persue their passions. Could you imagine the strides that could be made in all areas, if jobs were not just jobs, but passions? Why not take classes of your fancy, and then try to find a job? I mean, obviously, there are some important classes for different areas - I'd hate to have my heart operated on by a man who'd spent 8 years taking poetry classes, or something - but, if someone is going to be a heart surgeon, then they ought to have an interest in it, eh? They ought to WANT to take that class.
Then you know they'll put 100% into it. They'll make strides in the medical field rather than just collecting their handsome paychecks.
It is better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. - Neal Vitale I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun. Everyone can back up their opinions. Some people just do it a whole lot better than others. - Rebelnerd Here's to the men and women who did what was considered wrong, in order to do what they knew was right. 'Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?'" - JK Rowling