RB18's log of random realizations

[Rule_BreakerXVIII]

Quote:Between 11 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word: "No!"

It's an ecstatic discovery. We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world. We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.

Our "No" is actually a big "Yes!"

It's an exuberant expression of our life force, our desire to find our place in the world.

After the first cute "No" or two, our parents are usually less than delighted. In fact, this developmental stage launches what's often called the "terrible twos." Our ecstatic expressions of primal life force aren't usually affirmed. Do you remember your father or mother saying:

"I love your independence and autonomy!"
"I see that you're learning to stand up for your own truth!"
"That strong inner compass will really help you throughout your life."
More common messages are along the lines of:

"Don't you dare talk back to me!"
"We'll nip this defiance in the bud!"
"She has to learn respect and obedience!"

There may be the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force. There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum. Unfortunately, emotional displays are the only way young children know to make their No heard.

Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No's. We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, and manipulation.

By the time we reach adulthood, we've often lost touch with our own needs and even our own inner compass. We find ourselves saying Yes even when we don't want to. We wish we could feel good about sticking up for ourselves, about saying No sometimes.

Quote:So when we have a child of our own and he begins to assert his autonomy with the word No, danger signs often flash inside us. We know that No is dangerous, even if we don't know why. We think we must teach him who's in charge, right away. Defiance from our child, whether two or twelve, is met with an emotional slap-down as we put him in his place.

Quote:But defiance isn't dangerous. Defiance is simply a sign that your child is having a problem. When we rush in with an iron fist, we don't address the real issue. Which might be that she feels you aren't listening. Or that she's really upset and needs your help to feel safe enough to cry. Or that she needs you to teach her how to express her needs and wants without attacking the other person.


Or maybe she's just unwilling to let herself be intimidated by someone bigger and more powerful—which is a sign of integrity.

If she's a tween or teen, that should make you rejoice. This is a child who thinks for herself!

Research shows that teens who are willing to stand up to their parents are also more likely to stand up to their peers.

After all, she could just lie to avoid a confrontation with you, which is what most teens do.

But you might also celebrate your child's willingness to stand up for his own truth even if he's a toddler. That's when the inner compass starts to take shape. He's telling you that he's not willing to give up what's important to him just because you're using force or intimidation. But if you prioritize connection, even strong-willed kids will work with you. When the connection is strong enough, they're willing to give up what they want to follow your lead.

To be honest, I was about to copy-paste the entire article in quotes here. Here's the source instead.

The main theme of this article can be summed up as, "Your child is a person, a mini-human being with his/her own rights and feelings. Respect that, and treat him/her as such." It's a good article by Laura Markham.

Here's another one. Source.

On a side note, this is exactly how Turdette's family treated me. I'd realized at an early age that they were toxic, wanted nothing to do with them, and was subsequently forced to spend days there by my loving mother.

Quote:Many of the ways we "guide" children are actually designed to provoke shame. That includes any negative judgment about:

Who the child is: "You'd lose your head if it wasn't glued on!"
What the child wants: "You just want more, more more! You have a whole room full of toys, isn't that enough for you?"
What the child feels: "You do not hate your brother; don't say such terrible things!"
What the child needs: "What? Are you a baby?! Don't you see I have enough to do taking care of your sister?"

Quote:"You love climbing! But the TV cabinet's not safe for climbing. Let's go outside where you can climb safely." What does the child learn? His impulse to climb is fine. Climbing onto the TV cabinet isn't safe. Climbing outside is fine. Mom and Dad can be relied on to guide him, and to help him switch gears. The child turns and climbs into the parent's arms. (This is probably not the first time he's heard this, so it takes great patience from the parent. But sooner or later, he hears their voice in his head as he begins climbing, and he stops. You might think of it as the beginning of conscience, and self-discipline.)

What if, instead, the parent said: "You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?" What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different, he's not good enough the way he is.

He hears the No. And he feels the mild shame that is the biological result of reining in his impulses. But now that shame is all mixed up with the feeling of being a bad boy who is trouble for his parents. He can't bear that feeling, so he climbs away from them, higher.

And an excellent blog as well: Aha! Parenting.com