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RB18's log of random realizations
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Rule_BreakerXVIII Offline
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Post: #61
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

Today, yesterday technically, sucked. And by that I mean I got locked out of my e mail account, and all the angst and rage that I had suppressed so far boiled over. I went into 'fuck it' mode for a while. Missed tuitions, which I have attended near-religiously so far. And then out of nowhere, while driving, I had this tiny thought that if I just veered into the way of an oncoming truck, none of this bullshit would bother me anymore. It lasted just a second, I never acted on it, and the impulse disappeared. And when I got home, I wondered what the actual fuck was wrong with me.

Needless to say, I am scared. This is actually the first time I've had a thought like this..and it has become pretty obvious that I need to deal with my angst and bitterness-the very same emotions that created Rule_BreakerXVIII, along with a spark of rebelliousness and the feeling that there exists a better way to live. I guess I know why Chiron changed his username; RB18 is far from the sum of my identity.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
01-29-2017 07:04 AM
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Post: #62
RB18's log of random realizations

Quote:Until the late 1700s, childhood, as we understand it, did not exist. Children were considered “little adults.” They lived in an agricultural world and toiled in the fields beside their parents.

From this article.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
02-02-2017 07:13 PM
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Post: #63
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

the home is a wonderful learning environment. I can't wait until my kids start cooking!

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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02-03-2017 07:49 AM
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Post: #64
RB18's log of random realizations

Year after year, the same truth echoes in my academic habits: I don't want to do this.
And now it has gotten to the point of self-sabotage in college; and I wonder once again, is this worth it?

I swear my mind literally blanks when I sit down to study. Or complete assignments. Or even attend anything, important or not. Its like all my motivation drains out and I just stop, that's the best way I can think of describing it. To be honest, part of me feels that this reaction is justified; while another part of me feels obligated to study.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
02-15-2017 05:35 AM
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Post: #65
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

recognizing emptiness is not emptiness.

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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02-15-2017 01:29 PM
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Post: #66
RB18's log of random realizations

Yesterday, one of the teachers of my coaching classes kinda lost it.

Both the teachers are really good at teaching; but when the lecture drags on for 2+hours without a break, peoples' eyes start glazing over. At this point, no matter how good -or important- the lecture, anyone would be bored, desperate to GTFO. And this happened yesterday.

The teacher basically stopped teaching, divided the class into 3 parts- or grades, in his words- based on his opinion of who understands how much of what he teaches. ( And since the subject is C++, understanding the language is more important than blindly typing out the code. OFC the college disagrees.) Grade A had 8-10 people, me included; Grade B had more people, who understood around 50% (according to him); grade C had a few more people. The teacher had the idea to place the different grades in different places in the classroom. And this is where it gets school-ish.

He had grades B and C write out a program from the board; and grade A had to write a slightly tougher program from memory/using logic. After that, he sent all of grade A into the computer lab and ordered us to type out 7 different programs from memory. Note that we'd been in lectures since 10 am, and it was roughly 2 pm by then. That's 4 hours. Also note that it takes us 20-30 minutes to type out a program if the code is right in front of us; if it isn't...
And never mind all the time error detection and correction takes; or that even the lab assistant left around half an hour later.

To put it bluntly, this wasn't reasonable.

I typed out two programs, with errors; people were getting calls from their parents, and when Turdette called she gleefully told me I could stay there for 2 more hours. Anything for education, amirite? My contacts were beginning to irritate me; I was hungry; and for many other reasons, I decided to flee.

Only one other student from the so-called grade A had left.

There are so many things wrong with what this teacher did. He is a good teacher, but when even the good ones do stuff like this..
1. Lectures that last over 2 hours, without breaks of at least 10-15 mins. between them.
2. The grade system; it basically told a huge chunk of the class that they were worthless. And the teacher repeatedly reminded us from grade A that we could fall into lower grades. (As if I am gonna listen to one person after a lifetime of shunning both praise and shame from authority.)
3. Asking grade A to type out 7 programs from memory, to "prove" to him that we were deserving of an opinion he'd dictated without any input from us. Most of grade A was embarrassed to be singled out like that.
Also, he told us it was grade A's responsibility to explain stuff to those from grades B and C, and not his.
4. Not explaining the program to B and C in more detail...to be fair, he did ask us to look through our books and see if we had any questions. But. Most students won't remember any they had in the previous lectures, and thanks to the blind rote-learning spoon-feeding method that passes for education in India, very few think to ask if they have doubts, or write them down.
5. This is more of a personal issue, but he reaffirmed my long-held belief that academic achievement leads nowhere good.

I have no idea why I was in grade A; since 12th grade, I have consistently scored between 40%-59%. It did not fit with his declaration that all of grade A would pass with distinction (60%-75%) or first class (75% above). And never mind how hostile he was in general to the students; there was a lot of negative reinforcement stuff going on. It honestly made me regret even coming to class that day.

What he should have done was declared a break for 15 mins. or so when he noticed the students getting bored. Not this ridiculous school-ish thing. It is really disheartening when the good teachers act in ways that go against both student interests and their own.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
(This post was last modified: 02-23-2017 01:46 AM by Rule_BreakerXVIII.)
02-23-2017 01:44 AM
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Post: #67
RB18's log of random realizations

Since I was old enough to understand, I've been very conscious of the way people praise or shame others depending on how they act. I guess part of it was my curious nature; an act A provoked/incited reaction B from person C, and so on. I was aware of how the acted; what could they have done better? My grandma tells me I used to tell Turdette to "Speak properly! Can't you say things without shouting?" at four. And as a direct result, I noticed this: people praise you when you act in line with their agenda, and shame you/put you down when you don't.

The seeds of rebellion were always there...

The second thing I noticed was that everyone had an agenda, and even my parents had one that did not necessarily benefit me. All those social events and unwanted birthday parties I did not want to attend, or would benefit from attending, were proof of that. Note that I had a child's understanding of benefit; but even today, I'd call any effort spent in putting up with my relatives or my parents' "friends" wasted.

And then I began school. I was seen as weird, out-of-the-box, maybe a bit crazy from the beginning. And when I began primary school (fucking Muktangan, and somehow the previous schools were worse) it intensified. I had teachers calling Turdette every year, starting with me shortening sentences so that they weren't as cumbersome to write, my hatred of writing in general (funny how i started loving it when it became a medium for myself) and Turdette having to abuse me into doing my homework. Soon enough, (it had felt like forever back then) even abuse failed to make me compliant; by 6th grade, i'd completely stopped doing homework. Naturally, that led to more calls home, more abuse...less work being completed on time. By 9th grade, my mistrust of authority had grown into full on distrust and disdain. I knew by now that these people didn't have my best interest at heart; all they wanted was to break me down and shape me into a compliant creature that could be used to further their agenda. (More shiny awards for school. More bragging rights for my parents.) I began to see that I- and other students- were just investments to them. Even if the ones who give good returns are praised, they are still investments, and thus lack an intrinsic value that human beings have. My 10th grade English speech gave the teacher a sour face. The topic was "Freedom", and I opened with, "Freedom is the ability to make our own decisions.". It was the best speech I'd ever given.

9th grade was also when my classmates united; we basically agreed to keep each others' secrets from the teachers, whereas before students were encouraged to blab on each other and rewarded with positions as monitors if they did so. It had a huge effect on me; it basically restored a lot of my faith in humanity. OFC I still couldn't trust my classmates fully as 'unity' didn't prevent them from reporting to Turdette. And she was fast in getting her hooks into the teachers, as well as the parent council...as well as some of my classmates.
By 10th grade someone had the idea to make T-shirts to better convey the fact that we were united. After a lot of discussion, the T-shirts said, "The Rule-Breakers"..or, more accurately, "D RULE BREAKERZZZ". And naturally we got into trouble the one time we took them to school.

This is where my SSF username comes from; along with the fact that my roll number was 18 that year. And thus was RB18 named.

In 11th grade, when I expected to transfer into another junior college, I was shuffled back into Muktangan by the Turds. (I think bribery was involved...my grades were too low to make it there on merit.) This is where it really began, i guess; I joined SSF that year, the Turd began abusing me along with Turdette, and i went into a deep funk that lasted till I failed FY. And to be fair, even tho I was depressed, this period was when I grew the most as a person, as an individual. I was relatively free from all my past constraints; I had very few things (compared to the past) holding me back. Sadly, the abuse continued.

This year -SY -I stood up to Turdette and yelled in her face until she backed down; forced the Turd into the current stalemate where we both ignore each other; made more strides towards freedom and autonomy. The abuse still hasn't stopped, but I can cut it short or flee from it now. I didn't have those abilities earlier. Now the only leash that remains is the financial one.

I am leaving quite a lot out; the purpose of this text was to examine myself in relation to school and the Turds-my parents. I guess I felt like typing out my life, well, some of it,somewhere; and what better place than SSF? This forum literally made the worst funk of my life bearable. I cannot bring myself to regret anything I did, save for a few instances of social embarrassment, because all of that led to what I am today. Do not mistake this for forgiveness of my treatment at the Turds', schools' and others' hands. That, as my siggie says, WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN.


Awesome quote:
Quote:Where authority exists, so too does an imbalance of power, and from a point of imbalance, the truth is easily corrupted – by addition, subtraction, multiplication and division.

Source.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
(This post was last modified: 02-23-2017 02:48 AM by Rule_BreakerXVIII.)
02-23-2017 02:46 AM
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Rule_BreakerXVIII Offline
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Post: #68
RB18's log of random realizations

You reap what you sow..well, Turdette is definitely doing that. She regularly abuses people into "doing their work", and as a direct result of that all of us- me, my sister, and the Turd now cut her off whenever she tries to vent her feelings at us, usually as more abuse.
Well, I and my sister cut her off. The Turd just abuses her back.
And my sister is now learning what I did years earlier; no amount of studying will ever be enough for this cunt. No amount of work is ever going to make her happy. All that matters to her are numbers; how much money or marks we return. I've said earlier that I am just an investment to her. Well, here's the source of that.

And since typing that wall'o'text above this post, its become clear to me that I flinch away from studying because there is some part of it that associates studying with abuse. A bad investment has relative freedom; a good one is watched like a hawk to make sure it keeps returning, or worse, is forced to do better at the cost of its health, sanity, etc. And if I study too much, some piece of shit will take an interest in me and chain me to a desk. Well, that's one button identified. For obvious reasons I'm not too keen to get rid of it.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
03-04-2017 02:08 AM
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Post: #69
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

"what you push them towards you drive them away from"

-Dan Greenberg

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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03-05-2017 10:42 AM
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Post: #70
RB18's log of random realizations

Quote: I am not controlled by people who have emotional issues which they do not resolve, and fight against even the notion of sanity.
I am not controlled by people who think it is okay to foist off their emotional baggage on others.

Well, I was controlled by them, but not anymore.

I am not obligated to accept any negativity or baggage others try to force on me.
I am not obligated to save others from their own stupidity.
I am not obligated to listen to people if I know that almost all everything they say is bullshit, hateful racist sexist (and many more -ist) crap.
I am not obligated to indulge people who wish me harm or do not respect my rights as a human being.

One of my posts from another thread, so I won't bother with linking.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
03-06-2017 05:37 AM
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Post: #71
RB18's log of random realizations

Quote:Adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child. You can waste... years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just... take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that and walk away.

Source.

Today, an astrologer and a friend of Turdette's came over.

And yeah...that astrologer basically said the same things every astrologer has said about me so far (at least they're somewhat consistent..) but I trust these people about as far as I can throw them. IMO most of their "predictions" come from cold reading and astrological charts, like the one provided; some of the teachers back at my school could have guessed some of the things he said with ease.

Point no. 2 being..these people have a way about them that convinces you that they know what they're talking about (which, with astrologers, turns out to be YOU); charisma, I guess. And to me that's dangerous. I pride myself on a clear mind and sharp understanding of my agenda; people like these can cloud that, or even take it away. Not to mention I have an instinctive wariness of anybody who tells me how I am, or should be, feeling. Double that for people who make it sound like sage advice.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
03-14-2017 02:07 AM
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Post: #72
RB18's log of random realizations

Astrology? I'm laughing so hard, I might be able to power an entire city for a year.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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Post: #73
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

whats funny is when your Muslim in-laws bring something up that is just complete Indian superstition based on nothing.

American white people do some of the same crap too to be fair.

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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03-14-2017 10:09 PM
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Post: #74
RB18's log of random realizations

What's worse than cultural superstition? Cultural superstition backed by religious belief.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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03-15-2017 09:35 AM
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Post: #75
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

whats funny is that jinn possession is a thing in Islam, one of the ways to protect yourself is to develop your intelligence and integrity. wouldn't you know it, people who prefer to recite a bunch of Qur'an for their kids to fix their kid's possession have also raised them very poorly...

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
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Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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03-15-2017 12:41 PM
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Post: #76
RB18's log of random realizations

My mother is obsessed with the idea of jinn and the evil eye. Some unexpected shit happens, and suddenly it's a jinnspiracy or somebody's evil eye.

I'm just like:

* brainiac3397 facepalm

and then she accuses of me being an atheist, which is ironic because I'm quite firm in my belief even if my practice isn't particularly on par. Islam doesn't reject logic or science.

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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03-16-2017 10:36 AM
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Post: #77
RB18's log of random realizations

I believe that people have power, like that charisma thing I mentioned. I don't believe in astrology, or god, etc. That sort of thing has power because people think it does.
All religions are fair, just, etc. on paper. Its a whole different thing in reality.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
03-17-2017 02:04 AM
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Post: #78
RB18's log of random realizations

Quote:Once upon a time, I used to enjoy physics, chemistry, history.... I used to borrow books from upperclassmen and read through them, often instead of my own 'studies'. All my enthusiasm drained out when I was forced to 'study' them, not to satisfy my own curiosity but to prove to some external authority that I 'learned'.

I can barely remember that time...or the kind of person I used to be. But I do remember what that spark feels like.

It has become pretty clear by now that if there is something I want to learn, attending a formal class or lecture is the worst way to actually learn it, because being forced to do X at a certain time every day regardless of how I feel, or what I want to do will murder any enthusiasm for that subject pretty quickly. It happened with German, with Science-in general, with Taekwondo, with computer programming, with fucking exercise and eating,with piano....though, piano is "recovering", I guess.

According to the Turds, this is the only way to learn anything, ever. My proficiency in English disagrees- because of my reading habit, it's the one thing they never had to look into, and I avoided essay competitions, debates, etc. like the plague.

So, what should I do if there is something I want to learn?

1: Do not tell the Turds, or let them know in any way. Ever.
2: Use the internets to gain an understanding of the subject.
3: Practice and develop my skills on my own. Or, if I can find help, do that; again, the Turds must not know.

Things I have learned so far in this way include piano (via online tutorials), macrame, other arts and crafts, etc.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
03-25-2017 08:54 PM
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Post: #79
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

in the context of my wife's (Indian) family, the fact that they frequently want her to spend a week in Chicago with the kids while I work downstate with my whole family gone from my house. wife doesn't like this either. i said

"Your presence is a reminder that they can still control you and that makes them feel better"

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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04-01-2017 01:07 AM
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Post: #80
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

(04-01-2017 01:07 AM)the Analogist Wrote:  in the context of my wife's (Indian) family, the fact that they frequently want her to spend a week in Chicago with the kids while I work downstate with my whole family gone from my house. wife doesn't like this either. i said

"Your presence is a reminder that they can still control you and that makes them feel better"

I don't know the circumstances, but this does sound like something Indians (in general) do.

Also, this is probably quite late, but yay for inter-religion and inter-national marriage Biggrin

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
04-06-2017 01:33 AM
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Post: #81
RE: RB18's log of random realizations

actually we're both Muslim

Purity is to Believe only that which deserves it.
Wisdom is to follow only the Opinion which makes the best use of evidence.
Excellence is to be mindful of all these things in Living.
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04-06-2017 01:39 AM
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Post: #82
RB18's log of random realizations

Turdette's version of caring is this: push, push, push, push, ad infinitum.
She pushes her care onto people whether they want it or not. And often, the best way to shut her up is a solid boot to the face or an electric fence.
It's horrible. She has no idea when to leave people or situations alone.

So your kid doesn't want to eat? Force feed them till they cry at the sight of roti-sabji!
Doesn't want to go out? Won't tell you what's wrong? Nag at them until you get a water bottle to the head!

She literally hounds people till they snap.And this is her "caring". Ugh.

Don't play chess with pigeons-they'll just knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut about like they won anyway.
-the Internet


Quote:May the days and months of flowing bitterness be rewarded...
To forget!?

Unforgivable!!
04-25-2017 11:15 PM
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 Thanks given by: TheVanishingSnowDove
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