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I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

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so yea I actually survived school, but.......
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James Comey Away
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Post: #31
RE: so yea I actually survived school, but.......

If your son is "burying" emotions, again, it's definitely worth seeking outside help, and seeing what is possible. It's possible your son may be acting "normal", but his coping mechanisms may really be ways of hiding or dealing with traumatic experiences and stress.

However, therapists are a large can of worms and by and far are not universal; therapy is as unified as the term "sports" or "music". Perhaps searching therapists right here could get the absolute best help for your son.

But that's the most important thing: giving him a sense of conscience. He's completely lost right now, but slowly you need to re-introduce him to the idea of an open world. It may be worth taking him to weekly youth council groups, or such. Again, take it slowly.

Also, a small thing: you should also see if your son is interested in developing online relationships (or, penpals). PenPal World is a very good place for e-mail exchanges, whereas InterPals has a more "Facebook"-like interface and way of writing. I've found some really good friends on both of these sites. Just piquing his interest in that there's more to life than games, boarding, and pot will help him.

Best regards,
Hans

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01-11-2015 05:13 AM
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xcriteria Offline
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Post: #32
RE: so yea I actually survived school, but.......

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  xcriteria I have to agree that school isn't helping my son, unless the goal is to make him question everything he thinks and believes. He's learned from school that if you're not 'smart', then you're pretty much a waste of space and you'll never amount to anything.

Yeah, one of the sad messages of school for those who can't, or won't, "play the game."

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  So given your experience, do you believe that if I just allow him to chill for a bit and decompress (or de-school) he'll be more apt to talk to someone about how he truly feels? He's a mess. He tries to cover up his emotions with a false bravado and skewed egoism that really only translates into getting himself into trouble.

Yeah, I think allowing him to chill and giving him time to decompress is the thing to do. One of the key things is how he can transition from the paradigm of having things forced on him, to making his own conscious choices.

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  I think video games and snowboarding are fantastic for him. They are things that he feels very positive about because he's good at them. I encourage him to do these things whenever he can. The thing that concerns me is the pot. I mean it's not the worst thing in the world to get high. it scares me a little for him because he uses it as a crutch to avoid doing things, thinking about things, talking about things. I think it's actually quite a good practice at times, but I don't want to watch him become like so many people I've seen just sink into a pit of self-loathing and never find those things that interest them and make them feel like they deserve to have a future. I mean it doesn't matter what he chooses to do as long as he feels fulfilled in life. if not that, then wth is the point?Shrug

Understandable concerns. It's hard to provide specific advice, since people differ. Hopefully he can re-connect with thinking about, talking about, and doing things in addition to his active interests. But, maybe his interests could be a starting point.

What kind of video games does he like?

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  As for what you said about helping parents see things from another perspective, I would love to help. I wish someone had suggested these things to me many years ago so my son wouldn't have suffered so much. I feel crippled by the fact that I had just as much a part in tearing him down as the school system did. But, it's not out of guilt that I want to change myself and try to help other parents see that there are different options for their kids. It's because I don't want to continue destroying my son like my parents, teachers, and other adults destroyed me.

That's awesome to hear. I think a lot of parents are in the position of not quite making a transition to seeing some of the damaging effects of school and parenting styles, but being close enough that they could open up to thinking and talking about these things. I think having more parents who can share that experience could help in a lot of cases.

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  Thanks for your advice. it really means a lot to me. and I hope that my son will one day find his way to this place because he could use the support of kids and adults who have experienced similar things. For now, he trusts no one. I think it will take some time. Of course, I did tell him that this is where I finally realized how much I was listening to what he said without truly hearing what he was saying

If you're on Facebook, or want to join, lisafromjackson and I have a group called Dialogue on Education (see my sig) that's meant to help facilitate some of these conversations across ages and roles. It might be a good place to jump in.

Also, I can introduce you to some other parents and teachers I've connected with who see similar things and who are interested in building new models of education that are based on learner interests. Maybe we could do a Hangout or Skype call with a few of them and see what ideas they have and what more to maybe do.

I think one project that would be useful is a guide designed for young people whose parents are the ones who are seeing the problems with school and common parenting approaches, but whose kids are lacking in trust and in need of some kind of recovery from the damaging effects. Something to think about, anyway.

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01-11-2015 09:00 PM
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Post: #33
RE: so yea I actually survived school, but.......

(01-11-2015 05:13 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  If your son is "burying" emotions, again, it's definitely worth seeking outside help, and seeing what is possible. It's possible your son may be acting "normal", but his coping mechanisms may really be ways of hiding or dealing with traumatic experiences and stress.

However, therapists are a large can of worms and by and far are not universal; therapy is as unified as the term "sports" or "music". Perhaps searching therapists right here could get the absolute best help for your son.

But that's the most important thing: giving him a sense of conscience. He's completely lost right now, but slowly you need to re-introduce him to the idea of an open world. It may be worth taking him to weekly youth council groups, or such. Again, take it slowly.

Also, a small thing: you should also see if your son is interested in developing online relationships (or, penpals). PenPal World is a very good place for e-mail exchanges, whereas InterPals has a more "Facebook"-like interface and way of writing. I've found some really good friends on both of these sites. Just piquing his interest in that there's more to life than games, boarding, and pot will help him.

Best regards,
Hans

Hans,

I think outside help may be the best route, as well. At this point, he's shut down so much that I don't think anything would get through to him and he'd resent me for 'making him go'. A couple of months ago he was telling me how confused and angry he was. I found a therapist who is quite open-minded. He met with her 5 times. After the 5th session, she asked to meet with me. She said he wasn't participating and she thought it might be best that we wait to continue.

So my plan is to withdraw him from school and give him some time to decompress and see how things are looking from his perspective when he's ready. The key for me is to remember to be patient, I know this. Unfortunately, it will be difficult because I'm the type of person who dives in head first without checking to see how deep the water is. Changing my approach with him is critical right now.

You have stated it perfectly..."slowly you need to re-introduce him to the idea of an open world". This will be my primary focus for the next few weeks or months or however long it takes. I don't want to try to rush him into this because it will just alienate him more from me and the rest of the world. I need to gain his trust again.

I think geting him involved with a group as you suggested is the optimal choice, but for now he can't accept that. He has never been one to open up much, and in the state he is now he's even more recalcitrant.

As always, I deeply appreciate your insight. Keep fighting the good fight!

Cheers
01-12-2015 10:01 PM
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eerie138 Offline
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Post: #34
RE: so yea I actually survived school, but.......

(01-11-2015 09:00 PM)xcriteria Wrote:  
(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  xcriteria I have to agree that school isn't helping my son, unless the goal is to make him question everything he thinks and believes. He's learned from school that if you're not 'smart', then you're pretty much a waste of space and you'll never amount to anything.

Yeah, one of the sad messages of school for those who can't, or won't, "play the game."

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  So given your experience, do you believe that if I just allow him to chill for a bit and decompress (or de-school) he'll be more apt to talk to someone about how he truly feels? He's a mess. He tries to cover up his emotions with a false bravado and skewed egoism that really only translates into getting himself into trouble.

Yeah, I think allowing him to chill and giving him time to decompress is the thing to do. One of the key things is how he can transition from the paradigm of having things forced on him, to making his own conscious choices.

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  I think video games and snowboarding are fantastic for him. They are things that he feels very positive about because he's good at them. I encourage him to do these things whenever he can. The thing that concerns me is the pot. I mean it's not the worst thing in the world to get high. it scares me a little for him because he uses it as a crutch to avoid doing things, thinking about things, talking about things. I think it's actually quite a good practice at times, but I don't want to watch him become like so many people I've seen just sink into a pit of self-loathing and never find those things that interest them and make them feel like they deserve to have a future. I mean it doesn't matter what he chooses to do as long as he feels fulfilled in life. if not that, then wth is the point?Shrug

Understandable concerns. It's hard to provide specific advice, since people differ. Hopefully he can re-connect with thinking about, talking about, and doing things in addition to his active interests. But, maybe his interests could be a starting point.

What kind of video games does he like?

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  As for what you said about helping parents see things from another perspective, I would love to help. I wish someone had suggested these things to me many years ago so my son wouldn't have suffered so much. I feel crippled by the fact that I had just as much a part in tearing him down as the school system did. But, it's not out of guilt that I want to change myself and try to help other parents see that there are different options for their kids. It's because I don't want to continue destroying my son like my parents, teachers, and other adults destroyed me.

That's awesome to hear. I think a lot of parents are in the position of not quite making a transition to seeing some of the damaging effects of school and parenting styles, but being close enough that they could open up to thinking and talking about these things. I think having more parents who can share that experience could help in a lot of cases.

(01-11-2015 03:54 AM)eerie138 Wrote:  Thanks for your advice. it really means a lot to me. and I hope that my son will one day find his way to this place because he could use the support of kids and adults who have experienced similar things. For now, he trusts no one. I think it will take some time. Of course, I did tell him that this is where I finally realized how much I was listening to what he said without truly hearing what he was saying

If you're on Facebook, or want to join, lisafromjackson and I have a group called Dialogue on Education (see my sig) that's meant to help facilitate some of these conversations across ages and roles. It might be a good place to jump in.

Also, I can introduce you to some other parents and teachers I've connected with who see similar things and who are interested in building new models of education that are based on learner interests. Maybe we could do a Hangout or Skype call with a few of them and see what ideas they have and what more to maybe do.

I think one project that would be useful is a guide designed for young people whose parents are the ones who are seeing the problems with school and common parenting approaches, but whose kids are lacking in trust and in need of some kind of recovery from the damaging effects. Something to think about, anyway.

xcriteria:

Thank you for the information on Dialogue on Education! I will definitely check it out. I agree that encouraging him to become more involved with his interests might be a good way to go. I think it will certainly take some time for him to trust me enough to really even consider what I suggest.

His favourite games right now are Modern Warfare and Call of Duty. He can play those all day and all night Nutter I can't blame him. I recall @12yo playing a video game at the local bowling alley for 10h straight because, for some reason, you didn't have to deposit any $$ to play. The best thing about it was it literally erased all the bad things in my head. so i get it. I just don't want him to get stuck in that mode....trying to escape and having no healthy coping mechanisms. Because life can be so hard sometimes and running away from it will only lead to regret for him I think. He used to have so many dreams and now he is so full of angst and apathy
01-12-2015 10:11 PM
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