A Dream - *Possibly* Related to SS?
Last night I had a more vivid dream than I've had in a long time, and it still clings tightly to my memory - there are very few dreams I've had that share this distinction, and I would consider such dreams pseudo-prophetic (earliest, possibly most minor example: dreamt of seeing a mostly-empty white room with marble statuary and impressive lighting, saw it for the first time in real life about two years later on vacation in Chicago).
Of course, it could just be an anomaly in my sleep cycle due to the fact that I took Advil PM before bed to kill a particularly terrible headache, with the added benefit of helping me sleep.
I would describe it as follows:
I found myself in a vaguely school-like setting. The seemingly-obligatory unease, tension, and distress such settings brought me in dreams past was, surprisingly, not present here; I felt as though I were somewhere I belonged, though emotionally I seemed slightly - and only slightly - resistant to the fact that the setting had this structure.
I was a part of some sort of group. Many aspects (with the exclusion of myself) of this group of people seemed constant. For one, they were all younger than I, and while my mind did perceive a slight variation in their supposed ages, I estimated that they were approximately the age of my younger brother, who recently started eighth grade. Each of them appeared to exhibit at least a small amount of charisma, and I while this group seemed quite the motley crew, it seemed to me that my younger groupmates were no outcasts like I was at their age, and had a greater understanding, at least, of the popularity chain than I. Finally, their motivations appeared superficial to me; none seemed as self-conscious as I, and if they were aware of my concerns as to the difference in age and temperament, they did not show it.
I would follow them around on their nondescript endeavors, occasionally offering input I deemed important, but would do so with unease; I felt somewhat excluded, but remained in their company, content that they made no effort to force me into or out of their affairs. I knew there had to be something I had in common with them for them to at the very least tolerate my presence, but such a concept seemed hazy to me as I dreamt.
At some point my emotional isolation had somehow gotten the better of me and I had found myself, at sudden, separated from them, and no longer in the somewhat school-related setting.
I was in a well-decorated, luxurious, opulent foyer in some unidentifiable place. My senses took in the grandeur as I explored whatever building I was in, and later the area outside it. As the dream continued, I began to notice flaws (minor, at first) in the scene before me - while they did not detract from the luxury nor give the place the impression of seeming "fake", they were unnerving reminders of the fallen nature of the reality I perceive and indicators of the impossibility of perfection.
Something about this made me yearn to return to the company of that strange, youthful, semi-apathetic group, but for some reason I could not. Despite the feeling of dissimilarity between myself and them, I found myself missing them even more all the same. The dream collapsed under the anguish of my neglect for this ambiguous group my mind constructed.
I awoke with a start, and quickly found I'd gotten less than six hours of sleep; somehow I was experiencing the effects of the sleep cycle that usually occur just after the six-hour mark (that being vivid, detailed dreams and longer periods of rapid-eye movement to account for that). I drifted off for another hour and the dream was no less clear to me the second time I woke up than the first!
While I shrugged this off and moved on for most of the day, I thought about it again this evening (still recalling it tremendously well) and wondered what significance it had - what my subconscious was, or perhaps is, trying to tell me.
My best guess is that this is an allegory for my predictions of a near future involving my role in politics, which these forums have been a significant part of in the past:
- The setting represents School Survival. That's why I wasn't put off by the elements pertaining to school - of course we reference it a lot here, considering many of us are wholeheartedly opposed to it! There are a number of unsettling structural similarities between we and our adversaries; however, I see them as cosmetic at most.
- The group of youngsters represents the future generation of SS. Some of them may have joined us already, in fact; this next generation is beginning to manifest itself today. For the most part, they're younger than I am (some younger than I was when I joined), and their approach to making their way in this community will not be the same as generations past, for obvious reasons.
- My unease with this group is foresight on my part, I think; it's my vision of a likely future in which I find myself unable to keep up with and adapt to change within this community. I may be trying to instigate some now, and I certainly have in the past, but I can tell that I'm starting to become seasoned by this point; it's possible that future users could be simply too radical for this former radical. As a result, I would likely withdraw, offering input on occasion, but noticeably less than in the past.
- This group's indifference to me would likely be due to the fact that to newer users, I would just be considered nothing more than their predecessor, as one of the old guard. Of course they'd merely tolerate my presence - what person with any social skills at all would go so far as to beg an "oldfaf" to either stay or leave?
- In such a scenario, it's possible I would eventually forget about the forums, and not remember I was a part of them for some time. I'd find some other community, perhaps even one of my own creation, and a jaded future me would likely pick a place that isn't so rough around the edges (regardless of my past self considering that an endearing quality). That's how I'd end up in the vague formal place I dreamed of.
- The flaws are just that; it is not possible to escape the imperfection of any culture or subculture, nor the decadence of society, nor the frequent suckiness of life, no matter where you go.
- Eventually I would come to realize what I lost and lament the progression of time, yearning for even the uncertain aspects of my past to return. Yeah, no matter what happens in the future, I would probably come to miss School Survival at some point after one day abandoning it, regardless of when that day is or what the circumstances are.
This is a warning, it seems, to be patient with those who will one day be doing the same things we're doing here differently, and to continue pushing for change; while perfection is not attainable, it is better to aim for it than to remain in the mundanity of the status quo, no matter how comfortable. Which goes double for these forums, apparently.
Thoughts on the weird mind of DoA?
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