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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

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I would rather kill myself than commit suicide
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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Post: #1
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

Good, now that I got your attention with this stupid title, you might as well read another wall of severe bullshit written by me:


I fucking hate my fucking life, no fucking surprise

Before I go on, I will seperate what I write in three subjects, because I hate mixed up shit that will lead me nowhere else other than the bottom of every fucking barrel.


First off: School, what else?

Even in my remaining free time (I still have this Sunday and a full week of holidays now), this motherfucking unholy gate to the ninth pit of fucking hell still haunts my goddamned nightmares.

I would rather get my stomach run over by the sharp blade of olympic ice skater shoes at full speed

Despite this fucking last high school year (the equivalent of it) soon coming to a halt, everything is so desperate to still squeeze out the fucking everything out of me just so I can pass this hole of a dead fucking skunk.

So yeah, I am in-between passing and not-passing this class because of one fucking 4.0 (In my country in Germany 1.0 is the best grade and 6.0 the worst, just in case you do not know) I have to get in a vocal math examination.

It sound makeable, right? Well, yes, you are right. I can take on anything if I have the mojo and passion for it, but those fucking stoneheaded roadkills called people around me pressure me to the shitground like nothing else, and not just in school, but pretty much anything that requires effort.

I can do that if I saw it from my perspective when I am full of hope and energy, but no, my teachers, parents, relatives and everyone else with the nerve of a fat dying pitbull with down syndrome and loss of death perception HAVE to pressure me so I get to my "goals" as quickly as possible.

Because I have a major fear of failing at what I do that would result in disappointing my loved ones, I am so easily fucking depressed.

On a side note, I was able to work in the teeth constructing lab for a day just to see how it is, now I have to hope that I will be accepted in there. All I hope for is ANYTHING that can keep me busy for atleast a year to come, and I will get to why that is later on

On another side note, I have taken my first step into the drivers license test and did a whole week of theory class (Or whatever you call it), so eventually I will accomplish THAT, which is more worthwhile than the shit I am forced to "learn" in school. And why is that?
BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW HOW THE SECOND FUCKING WORLD WAR STARTED TO KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A FUCKING CAR!
What I made up here was just a presentation of how flawed the school system is... seriously.

As a whole, fuck school, fuck the fact that it wants to fuck me up even in its last days of tormenting me more. And to those who do not know, I already have a so-called "Hauptschulabschluss", and I do not care what anyone says, it is SOMETHING, it is an ED, and hell, I am aiming for direct training after all instead of taking the route "every kind and smart person" takes, going to fucking another school.

So at the end of the day when I put all of that together... I LET MYSELF BE PRESSURED BY EVERYONE ELSE FOR PRETTY MUCH NOTHING BECAUSE THEY THINK IT IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD OF ME.

Yeah... I sure love my life...

I would rather puke up my intestines and choke them back down with my bare fucking hands until I finally suffocate to my merciful and welcomed demise.


And now the second part: Religion

Oh man... this one...

You know the fuckshit you were probably told in your early childhood days?
The shit like "God watches you" or "No one is perfect but god", or just anything else asshole-ish and hypocritical like that?

As someone who was born a Muslim, YES, I KNOW HOW THAT SHIT FEELS.

I have actually been indoctrinated (it feels like it) by all of that shit I have been told by my own damn parents. And for literally EVERYTHING, my mother has to include god in her arguments. She would say things like "God will decide if you get accepted into three-year training" and "God has decided that these poor people died in [Insert mainstream media topic here]"

I hope you find all of that funny, because I get pissed off by it. Now I am not an extreme anti-religious fascist thing, I want to distance myself far away from those assholes, but I am not afraid of expressing my opinion on this stupid tool of slavery... oops, was I hypocrite much?

Well, that is just how stupid religion is. It promises to cure people's fears that it by itself has created.

For example, a religion calls natural enjoyments like masturbation an "immoral sin", and promises to "free the people from that sin" by telling them to "stop with their unholy ways".
...And the shit just goes on, too much for me to accurately explain here now.

In any case, I would be willing to just leave this shit alone and just call it an utter piece of shit of a system that is WORSE AND MORE UNNECESSARY THAN COMPULSORY SCHOOLS IN ANY WAY

But you know... I am forced to deal with this shit, and I hate having to "deal with it" (Which is why I hate this goddamn meme so much)
I was born a muslim by my parents, and I got indoctrinated by this shit for the longest time.

Now for those of you who are not a muslm and do not really know what is going on here... GOOD.

Well, just like any religion, you have to pray to a man-made apparition and hope for it to "bless you", only here you kneel down a load of times and say some arabic verses, about 90% of which are things like "God is the one and only".
Everyone around me says it is worth your time and soul, but it is just as worthwhile as doing naked squats over a blender.

Was that a little too over-the-top for you, guys? Well, TOO BAD.
I am so fucking fed up with this religion-bullshit forever now! I will not leave it from my critical claws!

And again, do not take me as some sort of fascist extremist basement dweller. I never want to hurt anyone but myself.
I will not keep anyone from "practicing their belief", I will say it is a piece of shit, but I will not stand in anyone's way.
But just one thing I want in return, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE WITH THIS!

You want to passionately believe in your god? Fine. You want to practice your beliefs? Fine. But good god, just leave ME alone with this! Is that too much shit to ask for?!

I do live in Germany, and I think I did not mention yet that I am of Bosnian Nationality, and do not get me wrong, I really like the people I talk to with, but again, not in this way...

Well, it is too much for my ass excuse of a father... pretty much asking for money to buy some cheese from the supermarket is too much for him... I will get to him later.

Basically, this is what it is for me.
But the worst part on my side is being forced to go practice for this belief I am NOT EVEN IN ANYMORE on LITERALLY EVERY FRIDAY EVER and of course literally EVERY NIGHT IN THE MONTH OF AUGUST, THE MONTH WHERE IT IS SUMMER BREAK, LIKE NO SCHOOL.

Yeah, my fuckface father forces me through all of that. Well, more importantly, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING BORING?!

I am not gonna lie, I have never felt THIS bored from sitting my ass on the ground almost breaking my tailbone listening to the pastor talk HALF A DAMN HOUR.
NOT EVEN A DAY IN SCHOOL IS THIS BORING. Especially when it is this August night praying time where it takes an ETERNITY to finish just saying "God is the only one" A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES

Seriously, going there is more boring than Mitch McConell and Ben Stein's voice having sex on slow growing grass in the middle of a Nebraska traffic jam during a slow monday afternoon.

What can I say? I despise religion with all of my undying wrath. I am fucking done with it, and I will NEVER willingly do ANYTHING for it anymore.

Oh, and two more things:

First, to all of you who are religious: IN CASE YOUR CHILDREN OR RELATIVES ARE IN THE HOSPITAL OR JUST HAVE ANY KIND OF MISFORTUNE, STOP PUTTING YOUR FAITH IN GOD. YOU ARE FUCKING DISCREDITING THE DOCTORS THAT ACTUALLY DO ALL THEY CAN TO HELP YOUR LOVED ONE STAY ALOVE, AND YOU THANK A FUCKING FICTIONAL THING FOR IT. FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU.

And secondly, a muslim child at the age of about seven has been beaten to death by her own mother because he forgot a verse of the Quran... just let that sink in.


And now my final part of this thread... the worst thing that burdened me in my life, not even school has done that much damage to my self-esteem:
My father... and any relative like him I had any communication with

But before you ask, no, he did NOT abuse me or something. I did not have a fragile chlidhood. that must mean my life must have been fantastic and I am still whining over something like this. I just want to fucking smash my head on a wall until my fucking head explodes

Ok... in all seriousness, my father is NOT the worst thing ever... to me. It is just the shit he puts my whole family in that pisses me off so much.

Please note that I have this thing where I get pissed off from other people's misfortunes rather than my own. The thing is, I could not give less of a fuck about myself, but I am genuinely depressed about what other people go through, even ones I do not know anything about. But me? I would rather drive an icepick into my still beating heart and drink a pile of battery acid, and I would not even care.

Well, what is the worst thing my father could do to me and only myself?

He would force me to go praying like another simple-minded parasite, he would force me to go work with him for some shit, and that is of course time-wasting and boring as all hell... oh, and he also ruined my 16th birthday.

Well that's it about him... what he did to only myself. But that is just your ordinary bitchy father behaviour, ain't it? So why do I declare him the worst thing ever anyway?
Well, again, I could not care less about myself, fuck myself. I am rather pissed off about what he does to the rest of my family, particularly my mother.

He literally whines and rages at every little thing my mother does wrong, and calls her "incompetent", and worst of all, for every single thing HE does wrong, he blames my mother... seriously.

Do not believe me? Well just yesterday my father has caused a little accident to another person, all of that happened infront of my house door, and my mother went out and saw what happened. And what happened afterwards? My father blamed my mother for having caused the accident... oh, and she was not even DRIVING, my father was driving alone.

...I do not even have to say anything about this.

He always puts everything he has done like HE is the victim. And the worst thing ever is when he and my lazy ass brother (who I already mentioned in another thread) get to talk... it is even worse than drinking a gallon of warm Jack Daniel's that expired a month ago.

But you know, he is not the only roadkill accident that pisses me off hardcore, the second-worst person in my life is my grandmother (And the third-worst are a majority my father's lying deceitful and all-more-worthy family in Bosnia we sometimes go to in vacations (I love the country itself and its climate, but these people... man))

My grandmother... she was the one who abused my mother (She is the mother of my mother... obviously) and now she goes on and ALWAYS COMPARES ME AND MY BROTHER TO "BETTER" PEOPLE. She always BLACKTALKS me like "That guy will NEVER amount to anything, because he is not like [Insert Mary-Sue person here]"

And if there is one thing I despise, that is being compared with anything else. I do not give a shit if I am in the better side even, I HATE it when I am used for comparisons, such as; "Why aren't you like [Insert my name here]? He ALWAYS tidies up his room and cleans everything and is a much nicer person than you!"
I do not care if I am in the right here, it PISSES me off, and I feel horrible for the person I am being compared with.

Simple shit, I do NOT want to be compared to, I am NOT a competitive person in any way or shape, I only want to do things because I think it is right to do them.

I
WANT
TO
BE
MYSELF
IS
THAT
TOO
MUCH
TO
ASK
FOR
QUESTION
MARK

But you know, I am just not worthy of doing what I want, because of... well, you read my wall of shit I assume.

So I will just go there and put my dick in a toaster and put my face on a hot frying pan until I burn to death... sure sounds like fun.

TL;DR
My school is STILL the worst thing on the face of the earth, everyone around me shoves everything down my anus, religion is even more of a fear-mongering propaganda than global warming, fuck my father hard, I would rather do a face-flat bodyslam in an erupting volcano than live on anymore.


Thanks for reading my gigantic wall of shit (If you actually read it of course), which took me like 1 week to plan and about TWO HOURS to put it on here as a thread.

Shows how much time I waste with myself. Fuck me straight to hell.
06-15-2014 07:31 PM
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Ky Offline
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Post: #2
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

This thought is completely unrelated to any of what you've said here (sorry), but it dawned on me while I was reading this that you would make a really good blog author. Have you ever thought about writing a blog? All you'd have to do is come up with posts like these, and it sounds as though you have a lot of negative experience to draw from.

Anyway, it sounds as though people are trying to make you put up with their shit, and it also sounds as though you've resigned yourself to it. Tell your family you don't believe in their god and that you find worship inane. Tell your father you're not going to let him drag you wherever he wants. Tell your other family members to stop being the victims of his immature behavior. And, as soon as you have the opportunity to leave, tell everyone you're leaving and do so.

Public Service Announcement: First world problems are still problems.
06-16-2014 12:49 AM
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xcriteria Offline
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Post: #3
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

I agree with DoA, you could do something with your writing.

In short, my advice is, remember that your life as you know it now is just one chapter in your life story. Hopefully you can find a way to start a new page, at least, in the short term. But it won't be that long before you can strike out on your own, without school, without the need to deal with your parents.

So, it's worth devoting some time and focus to the question of what that might look like. What kind of paths to learning, connecting, and doing things might work for you?

Beyond that, there's the question of how to deal with interactions, decisions, and states of mind in the present and shorter-term. There are some learnable skills you might develop -- and if you're lucky, help others in your family to develop.

One thing to check out is this summary of the book Crucial Conversations. It's about learning how to interact -- and think -- in ways that can lead to better outcomes in high-stakes conversations.

Another article to check out is this one, Fixed vs. Growth: The Two Basic Mindsets That Shape Our Lives.

I know you're interested in psychology, and helping people... and both of those cover key ideas that I think can be helpful in thinking about one's self, as well as others, in different ways. And hopefully helping others to do so as well. Smile

By the way, if you want to talk to some of us interactively, check out the chat, and you might even want to try some Google Hangouts to talk about your situation. Written posts have a lot of value, but sometimes interactive conversation adds dimensions not possible on forums themselves.

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06-16-2014 03:03 AM
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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Post: #4
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

You know, you are absolutely right.
The thing is, the way I write my posts here really amount to that of a blogger, despite me myself not being one.

Okey, I have a profile on Tumblr, but I do not have a lot of followers there, and I would love a lot of people seeing what kind of overkill steam I would let out.

Another thing with my expression of negativity here is that I make the things I post here sound far worse than what I actually go through. In reality, I am a very calm person, but obviously I am an erupting volcano on the inside.

But my point is, in real time I just shrug off the bullshit I get thrown into, until it is another time for me to let out an insane amount of anger on a website (Case in point: here), hence why I am on such long hiatuses after another thread has been created by me.

Anyway, I am totally considering this idea. Thanks for your ideas.
06-16-2014 03:09 AM
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Ky Offline
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Post: #5
RE: I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

(06-16-2014 03:09 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  Anyway, I am totally considering this idea. Thanks for your ideas.
You're welcome.

(06-16-2014 03:09 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  In reality, I am a very calm person, but obviously I am an erupting volcano on the inside.
Are you me, by any chance? I'm much the same way - I have a calm demeanor, but inside my emotions are creating a powerful, swirling torrent of pathos. My peers can't seem to believe it when I tell them that; they usually get the impression that I'm calm inside and out.

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06-16-2014 03:20 AM
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Post: #6
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

Also, about religion: feel free to leave the Islamic faith in some way. You're questioning, and that's healthy. One thing is that it's perfectly okay to be non-religious. Don't pray to something you don't even believe. Don't try to keep yourself in something you don't agree with. If your parents aren't okay with that, just secretly don't practice.

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06-16-2014 04:02 AM
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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Post: #7
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

Ok, I take back what I said about my father and my grandmother. Do not get me wrong, they are still absolutely horrible when they are at their worst, but I have let too much anger out and only looked at their negative sides.

Maybe it is because they ONLY have negative sides? No... not really. It always happens with me that when I am absolutely blistering with rage about something, I never look at its positives and treat it like its the worst thing ever. It really needs to stop with me...

Ok, except for the show "Breadwinners" on Nickelodeon, that is without a doubt the literal worst thing on this planet in every damn sense of the word, and I have NEVER EVER exploded with rage about an ENTERTAINMENT MEDIUM with no break.
06-16-2014 06:07 AM
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Post: #8
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

School begins for me in two days. But not really school as ordinary, but rather the voluntary phase (whatever it is called).

But since I have to get that aforementioned 4.0 (read the first post) on that oral math examination, I can bet my ass that my class teacher (who is also my math teacher, sooprice (and also most probably my parents too)) will do everything to pressure every single piece of blood out of me just to get that fucking worthless grade.
Why? Because it is ME who has to do it. And as we all know, I SUCK BALLS AND MUST DESERVE ANY AND ALL PAIN.

Not only that, but I can already tell that my teacher would want me to come EVERY day in the voluntary phase, because I am it, not someone else in my class, which will most probably be able to go out with a "ok, all will be fine, just try your best", while I have to hear a "YOU HAVE TO FUCKING DO YOUR BEST ON THIS OR YOU WILL END HOMELESS, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

Before you call me insane (which I am), that is not really what they actually say, but it FEELS like it, and it pisses me off... not ONLY from my teachers.

I do not give a shit about what my upcoming fate really is or what everyone around me assumes, the day I never have to go to a fucking school system like that ever again will be THE best day ever for me.

Yes, not my first time I ever ate a pizza in my life, not the day where I played and owned a video game console (N64) for the first time ever and not even the day I stubbed my toe on the leg of the table so hard that it bled were the best days ever.
No, THIS will be the best day ever.
06-21-2014 07:12 PM
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vonunov Offline
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Post: #9
RE: I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

I would have said you ought to consider being a comedian rather than a blog author, but same deal. You have a nicely funny and passionate way of expressing things there.
06-22-2014 12:10 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #10
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

Hug

Things will get better.

And yeah, I agree with everyone who said you're a really good writer... you are.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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06-22-2014 09:42 PM
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RE: I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

Well, one thing I CAN say about me is that my own stuff I write is so over the top, it intensely entertains me just to read them whenever I am really bored.

Laughing about yourself is a really good thing, I suppose.
I seriously should continue writing like that... assuming I actually get to the points I want to make and not make myself look like a waste.
06-23-2014 04:38 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #12
I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

Yeah, I like the way you make things over the top... it's fun to read stuff like that.

It'd probably work well for commentary about current events, and stupid things in the news and such.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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06-24-2014 12:08 AM
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Post: #13
RE: I would rather kill myself than commit suicide

(06-24-2014 12:22 AM)Ario Wrote:  
(06-24-2014 12:08 AM)SoulRiser Wrote:  It'd probably work well for commentary about current events, and stupid things in the news and such.

Ferigeras confirmed for news anchor!

Oh shit no...
06-24-2014 02:53 AM
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