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My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof
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Jacob Offline
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Post: #1
My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

So I kinda wanna just give an update on my crush and I's relationship. I'm not exactly asking for advice, because I *think* I kinda know what to do? If you want to give advice though, feel free to. This is kind of just a way to tell my story, because I certainly don't feel like telling anyone I know in real life, and people on this site can probably relate to me more.

So I met this girl back in the 3rd grade...we were friends through elementary school. (we both went to a conservative Christian private school). We would visit each other often because she lived right down the street. Then unfortunately, her younger (11 at the time) sister passed away from cancer (that she'd been struggling with for a few years). She moved away to the other side of town, I switched to the public school, and we stopped talking as much. Fast forward to this year....she just started coming to my high school this year. She is in none of my classes, I walk past her once in the hall everyday, and she is on my bus.

This girl is very quiet, however. I can NEVER tell what she is thinking. Sometimes she will talk to me, but usually when she talks to me she is very quiet/nervous and tries to do something else (like talk to her friend next to me about something totally different). I can't tell if this girl doesn't like me, if I annoy her, if she likes me and is just too scared to talk to me, or if just talking to other people than her close friends scares her. She has only some close friends that she talks to but I never see anyone else talk to her. When I mention her in conversations, NO ONE knows who I am talking about (she's that quiet)

On Valentine's day, I made a topic here talking about how I was planning on giving her a rose/flower on Valentine's Day and tell her that I liked her, but of course it was a snow day. I was then unable to get flowers and kind of gave up the idea since it was past Valentine's Day when I went back to school the next Monday.

Sometime in April, when it was just me and her close friend on the bus, I told her friend that I really liked [my crush], and did she say anything about liking me, because I had no idea what she thought of me and I didn't really want to make things awkward by asking her out if she didn't even think about it. The friend said she was quiet and never talked to her about who she liked, etc. Personally, I believed her. She said that if she said anything about me, she'd let me know, and obviously she wouldn't repeat anything I said. Since then, however, it has never been brought up again.

Since then, it's been the same thing. Except it's gotten worse. Over April vacation, she went on a cruise with some of her best friends (including the one I asked if she liked me & that friend's sister). When she came back, all she could talk about was the cruise and how much fun she had. But she became SO MUCH closer to some of her best friends (which are also on my bus) during the cruise. Now, when we are on the bus, she doesn't even notice me. She just sits in the same seat as one of the friends, and has giggly conversations with her and doesn't even turn around. So I'm not even talking to her on the bus anymore because she's so involved with this other friend.

I'm more of a talk-in-person kinda guy, but since she doesn't even talk to me on the bus anymore, I texted her yesterday and said "Do you want to hang out this week? We haven't hung out in forever, talk to you soon." I just got a response back saying "sorry I didn't get back to you, [even though I saw her with her phone today] I've been extremely busy and will be until the end of the year, but this summer im not too busy so maybe then Smile" Summer starts in late June for me, and it's only mid-May. I do know she takes so many dance classes that she has lessons for a majority of the day mon-fri, sometimes on saturdays, and church on sunday. So she might actually be busy, but I know for a fact that she sometimes hangs out with some of her close friends.

6 more weeks...6 more weeks of being ignored on the bus, 6 more weeks of wishing she'd just say she liked me, 6 more weeks of holding back how I feel, 6 more weeks of awkward conversation (if any), 6 more weeks of wondering if her parents even REMEMBER who I am, 6 more weeks of this bullshit....And what happens in 6 weeks? *MAYBE* we can hang out.

The next chance I get, I will ask the friend again for any updates (since we haven't talked about it in over a month). If nothing is new, I don't know what I'm going to do. As I said, I'm an in-person type of guy, so I don't want to do anything over text. And she never answers my phone calls anyways (only done a few, it's not like I constantly call her, but she's never answer or acknowledged any of them). The only time I see her is in the hall (For like 10 seconds) and then on the bus, but I definitely don't want to do it in those situations. Especially if a reaction ensues, I don't want an audience. I want it to be a private moment between us. Is that too much to ask? Her friend is going away for next week, so if there is no one else on the bus, she might have a conversation with me. Because to be honest I don't think I can do this for another 6 weeks, so I'd rather it be somewhat private on the bus than *maybe* in 6 weeks

I'll give an update when I talk to her friend again (hopefully before she leaves), and I can only hope for the best. Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Thanks so much for reading.

"You don't have to be smart to be a smartass. But it helps."
(This post was last modified: 05-15-2014 11:18 AM by Jacob.)
05-15-2014 11:13 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #2
My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

Can you smack yourself for me? A nice, preferably wet, smack right across your face.

I suggest you find your testicles, re-attach them to your body, punch them, and take advantage of that pain to overwhelm your nervousness and approach her...with CONFIDENCE. Take charge. Be the MAN.

Honestly. For some reason women seem to be more interested in males who seem to be self-confident and full of themselves(cause if you aren't full of yourself...what are you full of?). If you wait "patiently", you'll get steamrolled by the next guy with enough guts to approach her.

Don't want an audience? Then (don't mind the french) FUCK THE AUDIENCE. Who cares cause you sure don't.

And secondly, not enough exposure. NOT ENOUGH EXPOSURE. You know the saying "out of sight, out of mind"? Well you're nowhere IN SIGHT. A glimpse here, a glance there, will not help at all. Romance isn't rosy till you get the dirty work of courting her done.

Believe me. I did pretty much the same thing. I spent a year liking a girl who probably only saw me as a genius classmate who she had no real contact with. Then I told her I liked her(via letter in locker), and she ignored me for a year. Then only towards end of my 12th grade(I told her in 11th) we spoke a bit in private after I asked her to meet me in the library(quite a surprise it was). I got the whole "See you as a friend/Don't know you so well" but I felt good afterward. Why? I don't know. It was probably just my nature to tread cautiously to figure things out before becoming accustomed to it.

Now I don't have such issues. Course I haven't gotten a "mate" because I didn't do relationships in school(small school, my surroundings, community and etc made it difficult and I hadn't reached my full "maturity" yet). And then I didn't have a car till recent(as I didn't have license till recent) and decided relationships would be difficult. And now I don't expect anything cause I work 60hrs a week and have no time for anything else(I've decided working like this sucks like hell. I'll be honest...I don't think I like working like this. Hopefully my plans for doing online sales will make my schedule more suitable to myself).

And never think you know anything. Either don't know it, or know it. If you say you know and get it wrong, then oh well, now you do know. You "think" you know doesn't give a boost of confidence in your ideas.

What I wrote would probably be more effective if my words flew off the screen and beat you silly... Biggrin

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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Elfy Offline
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Post: #3
RE: My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

If she's on the same bus as you but you're not going to talk to her for six weeks cause she is busy until then, then what are you doing? No one is that busy that they're are busy 24/7 and on this bus if you can't talk to her now or she if you know she doesn't want to then don't waste your time waiting patiently. I would say get talking to her on the bus, don't rush in with feelings and all that just be friendly (fuck the audience, your life is ticking away and time is too short to care about what others think might make you happy).

Don't revolve yourself around her, revolve yourself around yourself. If she is interested and you approach her with confidence talking normally and such then she will be glad you did, if not then... don't get too hung up about it. You're young and there are plenty of fish in the sea, is cliche as it sounds it is very true.

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05-15-2014 04:45 PM
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Ky Offline
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Post: #4
My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

There's something about the advice given here that makes me want to argue with it. However nicely it is put, I don't see "be a douche" as a viable approach in the least; while it may have immediate results (often a blatant rejection), when it does succeed it seldom does so for very long.

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05-16-2014 12:17 AM
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RE: My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

(05-16-2014 12:17 AM)DoA Wrote:  There's something about the advice given here that makes me want to argue with it. However nicely it is put, I don't see "be a douche" as a viable approach in the least; while it may have immediate results (often a blatant rejection), when it does succeed it seldom does so for very long.

This reminds me of the piece of shit 'pick-up artists' I read about. They're basically sociopathic nerds who for whatever reason decided that normal people's friendships and congeniality were too slow for them, so they decided to take psychological pseudoscience, combine it with a cold, calculating personality and try to manipulate women with that instead. The good majority of them are quite simply not interested in longer-term relationships; at their worst they're virulent misogynists who view making love as a triumph of their manliness, the actual woman be damned.

I suppose I can't entirely blame them, given that relationships and romance aren't exactly always simple affairs that you can expressly learn about like you can with subjects such as mathematics, and that certain people are more likely to be good at them than others...but given what I know I don't think they're difficult enough to justify the sort of shit these people pull. It's not like you can't practice and improve, with effort (and not terribly much of it, usually). And that's not even mentioning the shit they pull that isn't excusable at all.

The sheer absurdity of PUA thought can be evidenced by some of their asinine techniques: the 'neg' is a calculated (notice a pattern here?) insult apparently meant to lower a woman's 'social defense barriers' so she will be more susceptible. I have almost never heard of this actually working. Then there's the 'methods of approach'. You try approaching a woman (or a man, but almost all PUA shit is made by men for men) at a 45 degree angle before for the sole purpose of improving your chances? Me neither. There's also the fact that if you're not a sociopathic nerd, you'll probably feel like human garbage if you actually manage to seduce someone using awful PUA advice. And that's a rather sizable if. The sexist parlance of PUA writing is a dead giveaway to their lack of respect for women in general, which if you didn't know already is not actually attractive. (Did I mention they're pretty much all men?)

You can find more deconstruction over the internet, but I would be cautious if you're going to look for it. Some 'anti-PUA' groups are comprised of the same sort of woman-hating assholes, but they're woman-hating assholes who have realized PUA tactics don't work. Maybe try googling 'Mystery Method is shit', but even if you don't google anything, just remember that you most likely do not need sleight-of-hand skills and you do not need to memorize overly complex methods and procedures (that will actually work against you) to meet people. Unless you're a sociopathic nerd who doesn't know any better.

(05-16-2014 12:17 AM)DoA Wrote:  However nicely it is put, I don't see "be a douche" as a viable approach in the least; while it may have immediate results (often a blatant rejection), when it does succeed it seldom does so for very long.

From what I understand (I'm still learning myself), a much better way of putting this is to understand that you shouldn't necessarily be a pushover (or domineering for that matter), and that relationships (and even casual hookups to an extent) rely on mutual give-and-take, and for the most part mutual initiative.

Ario has a point in that being needy or desperate will not do you any favors. I also agree with 'fuck the audience'. It pays to not worry about what strangers/coworkers/classmates think of their perception of you.

Being confident in yourself helps you in life overall, and if you feel you need to build social skills and gradually become more social (liking people in general and being a decent person helps, as does meeting, being with and talking with friends) then don't let people shit on you for that. People are different!

It's probably healthier for everybody involved to focus less on express romance and more on friendships. Another thing PUAs (and other internet arsefarters) go on about is 'the friendzone', which is to say that they can't see the value in regular friendships (or that friendships can turn into relationships sometimes, although I can understand being sad because you didn't approach someone in time and they were taken by someone else) and have extremely high standards for the sort of people they want to be with even when they're approached by reasonably good-looking people (which is to say women, because they're almost always men).

The more I think about it, the more I realize PUAs disgust me more than many things I've given thought to recently. That may explain the vaguely nauseated feeling in my stomach right now.
(This post was last modified: 05-16-2014 02:57 AM by Trar.)
05-16-2014 02:53 AM
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My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

There's also the concept of Schrödinger's rapist. There's also also the fact that basically all women have been subject to sexual harassment since they were around 14.

Two friends of mine had this to say, ultimately:

some soothsayers once Wrote:DispenserSniper the goal of pua websites is to lower all the social defense barriers in the world and let people melt into the sea of [internet cocky/funny behaviour] and implement the instrumentalibrony project [...] to destroy all the social defense barriers in the world
DispenserSniper [...] guys don't get creeped out if girls stare at them
DispenserSniper they get "ooh, she thinks i'm hot"
[second friend] yeah because men aren't dehumanized and objectified on the level women are
DispenserSniper [second friend] that's because pua's encourage you to be full of yourself especially since 100% of puas are former nerds
DispenserSniper or remain nerds
[second friend] no grown woman is gonna ask a 15 year old boy if he's ever had a blow job just bc she thinks hes hot
[second friend] but grown men do it to girls all the time
DispenserSniper yeah
DispenserSniper part of pua shit is that every nerd coming to it like
DispenserSniper you remember how i told you about how mum effectively shielded me from media sexism to the point where i felt like it was sexist at guys
DispenserSniper these nerds are often coming from shit like that and so they actually do feel like pua shit is revolutionary and breaking the social dogma or some shit [Which also explains why r/redpill is called 'redpill'.]
[second friend] "Don't revolve yourself around her, revolve yourself around yourself"
DispenserSniper they're like "oh i' mANGRY at thise feminists for keepnig me from the truth" so they go full ball at the other direction
[second friend] they talk like girls are rare bird specimens
DispenserSniper pua shit is very much the sort of rehtoetic that bullies you into believing it and if you've just come off a relatively normal person crush and are unconfident in social situations it will get you [This is also true with other writing he and I have witnessed, including icycalm and Maddox & George Carlin to a lesser extent.]
DispenserSniper first by insulting you enough to lower your social defense barriers
DispenserSniper then giving you things it insists are science true
DispenserSniper and remember how nerds feel about science shit
DispenserSniper "oh it's science.... i have to believe it, ieven if i don't want to"
(This post was last modified: 05-16-2014 03:40 AM by Trar.)
05-16-2014 03:09 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #7
My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

Being confident and "full of yourself' does not make you a douche. It makes you someone who sees themselves as a human being, rather than an object relying on the judgement of peers.

We're not saying be a douche. We're saying don't take the backseat and hope shit falls in your laps. You want to get things done? Then get up and do it. Being a douche means acting like you can do it, or exaggerating your ability to do it.

Be as an old fashioned gentleman. Humble yet confident. Gentle but aggressive(in the sense of being passionate). When we say fuck the audience, we mean don't restrict yourself just to avoid the judgement of others.

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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05-16-2014 10:02 AM
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Jacob Offline
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RE: My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

I knew I probably should have clarified more, but I was worried if it was too long no one would read the whole thing. So let me clarify more and respond to a few things, and then give an update as to what happened today.

brainiac3397 Wrote:Can you smack yourself for me? A nice, preferably wet, smack right across your face.

I suggest you find your testicles, re-attach them to your body, punch them, and take advantage of that pain to overwhelm your nervousness and approach her...with CONFIDENCE. Take charge. Be the MAN.

Honestly. For some reason women seem to be more interested in males who seem to be self-confident and full of themselves(cause if you aren't full of yourself...what are you full of?). If you wait "patiently", you'll get steamrolled by the next guy with enough guts to approach her.

Don't want an audience? Then (don't mind the french) FUCK THE AUDIENCE. Who cares cause you sure don't.

And secondly, not enough exposure. NOT ENOUGH EXPOSURE. You know the saying "out of sight, out of mind"? Well you're nowhere IN SIGHT. A glimpse here, a glance there, will not help at all. Romance isn't rosy till you get the dirty work of courting her done.

Believe me. I did pretty much the same thing. I spent a year liking a girl who probably only saw me as a genius classmate who she had no real contact with. Then I told her I liked her(via letter in locker), and she ignored me for a year. Then only towards end of my 12th grade(I told her in 11th) we spoke a bit in private after I asked her to meet me in the library(quite a surprise it was). I got the whole "See you as a friend/Don't know you so well" but I felt good afterward. Why? I don't know. It was probably just my nature to tread cautiously to figure things out before becoming accustomed to it.

Now I don't have such issues. Course I haven't gotten a "mate" because I didn't do relationships in school(small school, my surroundings, community and etc made it difficult and I hadn't reached my full "maturity" yet). And then I didn't have a car till recent(as I didn't have license till recent) and decided relationships would be difficult. And now I don't expect anything cause I work 60hrs a week and have no time for anything else(I've decided working like this sucks like hell. I'll be honest...I don't think I like working like this. Hopefully my plans for doing online sales will make my schedule more suitable to myself).

And never think you know anything. Either don't know it, or know it. If you say you know and get it wrong, then oh well, now you do know. You "think" you know doesn't give a boost of confidence in your ideas.

What I wrote would probably be more effective if my words flew off the screen and beat you silly... :Biggrin:

It's not really like that at all, she has never had a boyfriend before and is EXTREMELY shy. I just wanted it to be a private moment between us but obviously that isn't a possibility anytime soon. And there's not exactly a line of guys waiting to ask her out...


Elfy Wrote:If she's on the same bus as you but you're not going to talk to her for six weeks cause she is busy until then, then what are you doing? No one is that busy that they're are busy 24/7 and on this bus if you can't talk to her now or she if you know she doesn't want to then don't waste your time waiting patiently. I would say get talking to her on the bus, don't rush in with feelings and all that just be friendly (fuck the audience, your life is ticking away and time is too short to care about what others think might make you happy).

Don't revolve yourself around her, revolve yourself around yourself. If she is interested and you approach her with confidence talking normally and such then she will be glad you did, if not then... don't get too hung up about it. You're young and there are plenty of fish in the sea, is cliche as it sounds it is very true.


Once again...probably didn't clarify enough or used bad wording. She takes multiple dance classes (like a dozen I think) a week and does babysitting so she literally has a busy schedule all day every day. I was upset yesterday that she said "maybe" yesterday but now that I think about it she probably didn't mean it in the way I interpreted it. And I talk to her on the bus frequently, but recently she hasn't been on the bus as much, and when she is on the bus she only talks to her friend. Whenever I say anything, it's like I interrupt them and then they continue with whatever they were talking about. And I definitely don't revolve myself around her.

~~~

Anyway, update for today. I was able to get the chance to talk to her friend on the bus today. She told me that my crush hadn't said anything about wanting to date anyone and they never talked about any of that stuff, and "go ahead and ask her, I don't know how she would react, she's never had a boyfriend before." So one of her closest friends has the same thoughts as me, haha it's not just me.

Another thought I had was maybe she associates me with memories of her sister before she died (Whenever she and I hung out, her sister was always there. My family helped out her family with food and money). I've never lost anyone THAT close to me (and they were really close!), so I cannot even imagine what that does to a person. Now that I type that out, it seems kinda silly, but it could be a possibility.

Either way, I've decided that I am going to tell her next week on the bus. Whatever the reaction may be, I don't care, I just want to get this off my chest more than anything. If she says yes, great. If she says no, then I can be happy I'm no longer holding that in, and I can more open in being interested in other girls.

Good luck me lol

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05-16-2014 12:47 PM
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My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

Finally.

But if you make an excuse a week later and postpone...I'll hunt you down. You've been warned. :|

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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05-16-2014 01:03 PM
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RE: My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

(05-15-2014 12:16 PM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Can you smack yourself for me? A nice, preferably wet, smack right across your face.

I suggest you find your testicles, re-attach them to your body, punch them, and take advantage of that pain to overwhelm your nervousness and approach her...with CONFIDENCE. Take charge. Be the MAN.

Honestly. For some reason women seem to be more interested in males who seem to be self-confident and full of themselves(cause if you aren't full of yourself...what are you full of?). If you wait "patiently", you'll get steamrolled by the next guy with enough guts to approach her.

Don't want an audience? Then (don't mind the french) FUCK THE AUDIENCE. Who cares cause you sure don't.

And secondly, not enough exposure. NOT ENOUGH EXPOSURE. You know the saying "out of sight, out of mind"? Well you're nowhere IN SIGHT. A glimpse here, a glance there, will not help at all. Romance isn't rosy till you get the dirty work of courting her done.

Believe me. I did pretty much the same thing. I spent a year liking a girl who probably only saw me as a genius classmate who she had no real contact with. Then I told her I liked her(via letter in locker), and she ignored me for a year. Then only towards end of my 12th grade(I told her in 11th) we spoke a bit in private after I asked her to meet me in the library(quite a surprise it was). I got the whole "See you as a friend/Don't know you so well" but I felt good afterward. Why? I don't know. It was probably just my nature to tread cautiously to figure things out before becoming accustomed to it.

Now I don't have such issues. Course I haven't gotten a "mate" because I didn't do relationships in school(small school, my surroundings, community and etc made it difficult and I hadn't reached my full "maturity" yet). And then I didn't have a car till recent(as I didn't have license till recent) and decided relationships would be difficult. And now I don't expect anything cause I work 60hrs a week and have no time for anything else(I've decided working like this sucks like hell. I'll be honest...I don't think I like working like this. Hopefully my plans for doing online sales will make my schedule more suitable to myself).

And never think you know anything. Either don't know it, or know it. If you say you know and get it wrong, then oh well, now you do know. You "think" you know doesn't give a boost of confidence in your ideas.

What I wrote would probably be more effective if my words flew off the screen and beat you silly... Biggrin

Ah Brainiac, you have as much "ease into" traits as a car coming at you while you just stand there. HONK HONK BEEEEEP! Razz
05-17-2014 05:52 AM
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Trar Away
R.I.P.

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Post: #11
RE: My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

(05-16-2014 10:02 AM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Being confident and "full of yourself' does not make you a douche. It makes you someone who sees themselves as a human being, rather than an object relying on the judgement of peers.

We're not saying be a douche. We're saying don't take the backseat and hope shit falls in your laps. You want to get things done? Then get up and do it. Being a douche means acting like you can do it, or exaggerating your ability to do it.

Be as an old fashioned gentleman. Humble yet confident. Gentle but aggressive(in the sense of being passionate). When we say fuck the audience, we mean don't restrict yourself just to avoid the judgement of others.

Old-fashioned gentleman? I can't help but think about the old-fashioned gentlemen who didn't want women to vote about a hundred years ago. Or hold down good jobs, or have adequate birth control, or didn't really care all that much for black people. I can understand if you believe that men back in the day were go-getters, but that was more or less due to sexism and conservatism (particularly in the US).

I'm still learning, but I've learned that it's much more important to recognize that interest should be mutual. Both parties would ideally 'do it' and go forward.
05-18-2014 02:18 PM
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brainiac3397 Offline
Machiavellian Amoeba

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Post: #12
My Girlfriend...AKA the Lack Thereof

I'm alluding to a specific aspect of their social behavior. I'm not suggesting we turn back the universal clock and adopt the religious, political and cultural norms of the time.

I'm not saying he should be a racist misogynist conservative just because I'm using certain manners of such folk as examples(which you can see I've pointed out. Thus implying that my argument only pertains to the specific things I've outlined.

Personality DNA Report
(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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Brainiac3397's Mental Health Status Log Wrote:[Image: l0Iy5HKskJO5XD3Wg.gif]
05-18-2014 02:40 PM
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