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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser


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i am evil and must die
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no Offline
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Post: #1
i am evil and must die

ive had it. im done. im sick.

i dont want to murder anyone. let me make that clear.

but i am evil. i am evil because i used murder in a sentence.

you see im a sick sick bastard. a psychopath. i do not want to murder anyone. and i do not want you to murder anyone.

war is murder. fact. look at it for 2 seconds without your jade colored glasses. yes. i think this is correct. this is not what is wrong with me.

what is wrong with me is that i think murder is wrong. and thus that war is wrong. and when we study wwii i really absolutely have to say this, because the textbook glorifies soldiers too much for my anti american pacifist humanist scum standards, and also because i am scum i have little self control. also opinions. another thing i have because i am scum.

i guess they didnt have a problem with what i said. i said war is murder. any idiot can see that. it was probably my tone.

also i called fdr subhuman scum for sending the japanese to internment camps. maybe that was it. maybe what is wrong with me is that i dont believe in herding people like livestock. though sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.

but the military also does that so maybe that was it. that i disapproved of something that the military does. that is probably it.

or that i would waste gas to mess up the war effort. that too.

i even said i didnt forgive the japanese for attacking pearl harbor. and i dont. that was also murder. but i thought it was a good thing that americas ability to murder others had been partly compromised.

i also said that the draft was slavery. that may have pissed off some people. like those who believe in a certain kind of slavery, but dont like the word slaverys connotation so use different words. like duty.

i didnt say anything when we talked about the atom bomb. i let the so called facts speak for themselves.

i was pissed. and i hated myself. and i would start ordering myself to not smile. i would not smile as long as i was in such a blood thirsty school that they think war is not murder. yes there were people arguing against war is murder and saying i was blowing things out of proportion.

then someone brings cards against humanity to lunch. and i play it and laugh. and i hate myself for that. i really really hate myself. i hate every shred of my existence.

i keep telling my mother that she should have got an abortion. and that she should get a 'retroactive abortion' if you get my drift. and she keeps saying that i was wanted. and i think, wanted by who? i dont feel wanted by anyone. and what does she mean by me? does she mean me, this person, what i am, or does she mean the person she wants me to be?

so the history teacher calls my dad. ok. she says that she is concerned about me. understandable. i am a sick pacifist commie anti american ideologue piece of shit. i have the mental illness of not wanting to murder. of course she is concerned. but she has not gone through official channels. she just talks to my dad. and my dad tries to convince me that the military is not just about war but hes missing the point.

he says its about defense - false. defense is a gun rooted on one spot to shoot incoming missiles and planes. our own missiles planes and battleships to go across the world and murder people is offense. not defense.

in the full version of the national anthem it says "conquer we must."

not many people know that. but that does not matter, what is often sung of that glorious red blooded american song is enough to convince anyone of the virtues of murder.

but today the guidance counselor calls the house. and says what i have done is interpreted as a threat. why because i said murder? i was putting a label that was missing from all those powerpoint slides.

so i will have to talk to this counselor. and then the school psychologist. and then a meeting with my parents and who knows what other good holy righteous all american murder endorsers who will try to fry my ass for my crime of hating war.

and they will fill out a threat assessment form. this is the third they have done about me. i wish they would just check the box that says execute and be done with it. who knows that probably is a box on there.

i think the school is trying to destroy me. the principal is getting promoted and leaving the school. and the acting principal is ex military. so when i hear that the guidance counselor has called my conservative grandmothers house and left a message about the entire incident and then tries to back this up by saying it was listed as the main number, i find it very hard to believe that this is an honest mistake.

i do not think i will be able to bear to live much longer.

now my parents are watching baseball. as though i am someone unimportant to them. as though what has happened to me is meaningless. no doubt in a few minutes they will start cheering at home runs as though nothing has ever happened.

its scary to me. scary how people can slide back into their routines. it is scary that ptsd is called a disorder.

if you were forced to kill someone in a war. or if someone important to you died. how is it a disorder if you need a long time to readjust afterward? or if you dont readjust? it scares me how much psychologists define disorders by their interference with day to day life. what the fuck does that mean? no one day is exactly like another. it is easier for me to see that than others i guess... it scares me that when someone "normal" says you are important to me, or i love you, that means that if you die their life is interrupted for a max of two months. else its a disorder. im such an attention whore i know and i inflate my self importance. but that the closest possible human bond without going into the range of "sick" means that i am worth only two months of someones grief, that this is all that the loss of my potential is allowed to entail, scares me. i am so sick that i want to live in a universe where love is a real thing. that appreciating a persons uniqueness and that another just like them will never come again and treasuring people for who they are is not evil. and a world in which destroying such uniqueness in a war is not only taboo, but absolutely unthinkable.

but i do not live in such a world. i live in a world of categories, where any human can be made into something you call a friend even if that isnt true, and therefore the friends you have are not worth crying over.

this is why i dont feel wanted ever. whenever something happens to me, nobody is available to talk. friends say they are busy. parents ignore me, or when i ask them for help they try to paint me as the perpetrator.

they say it is ok for others to voice their beliefs loudly and unpleasantly, but when i do it is wrong.

this is probably the last thread i will post in. you do not deserve the burdensome hell that is putting up with me.

Hello, traveler.

This is an ancient account I have not used in a long time. My views have changed much in the intervening months and years.

Nonetheless, I refuse to clean it up. Pretending that I've held my current views since the beginning of time is what we in the industry call a lie. Asking people to do so contributes to moralistic self-loathing. "See, those people have nothing damning! I do! I'm truly vile!"

Because you can never be a good person with a single blemish on the moral record, I thought that simply entertaining some thoughts made me irredeemable. Though I don't care for his writing style, William Faulkner presents a good counterexample. He went from being a typical Southern racist to supporting the civil rights movement. These days we'd yell at him for that, probably.

People are allowed to change their views.

Nevertheless, this period of my life has informed some of how I am today. In good ways and bad ways. To purge it would be to do a disservice to history. Perhaps it will not make anyone sympathetic, but it may help someone understand.

If, after reading all this, you still decide to use the post above as evidence that I am evil today, ask yourself if you have never disagreed with the moral code you now follow. In all likelihood you did, at some point. If some questions are verboten, and the answer is "how dare you ask that," don't expect your ideological opponents to ever change their minds.
04-03-2014 11:03 AM
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Vatman Offline
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Post: #2
RE: i am evil and must die

I know it's not of the most popular opinion, but I'm abit crazy with my pacifism as well, and honestly I don't think there is such a thing is a totally justifiable murder.

Soldiers who fight to protect their country and are forced to take a life, should have to serve time in prison for their crime. Despite the circumstances

...killing someone is always murder.

Maybe I'll go into my whole outlook on it, in another post...I just want you to know that you aren't alone. You aren't sick, well, at least I know you don't have the common cold. Medicine? No, none needed, just realize that there is no psychopath in existence with the capability for empathy that you just expressed. You aren't alone.

Some cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.
04-03-2014 06:47 PM
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Yato Away
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Post: #3
RE: i am evil and must die

We all have madness within us. Some hide it, some can't.

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Yato Wrote:Even if things are painful and tough, people should appreciate what it means to be alive at all.
04-03-2014 09:29 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #4
i am evil and must die

So... you said war is murder and that you're basically against killing people, and the school interprets that as a ... threat? Cuckoo
It's like they just hear the words and don't even know what they mean.

Quote:that appreciating a persons uniqueness and that another just like them will never come again and treasuring people for who they are is not evil.
I know what you mean. It isn't evil, though, and I will insist on appreciating uniqueness, and treasuring people because of their uniqueness, and I will be rude and obnoxious toward anyone who tries to tell me not to (that hasn't actually happened though... possibly because I'm not entirely surrounded by idiots, like I suspect you may be).

Btw, last night I was looking though your old posts to try and figure out who you are (because of the name change), and I found your blog and was reading it.

I found this post to be awesome, and somewhere along the way it actually inspired me to write a story... part of the theme of the story actually is about the uniqueness of people, and how irreplaceable each one is. Something I kinda made up when I was 12, but never did anything with.

Please don't leave. I like reading your posts. Hug

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04-04-2014 12:04 AM
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Alistoriv Offline
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Post: #5
i am evil and must die

Woah calm down
You are not evil or scum don't worry

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(03-20-2013 05:08 PM)brainiac3397 Wrote:  Stand up with pride and say "No! I will not be a McDonalds employee. I WILL BE A GARBAGE MAN!"

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04-04-2014 05:11 AM
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Post: #6
i am evil and must die

No justifiable murder, but it happens anyway because humans are born into sin. I can't think of any philosophy or religion that doesn't have some variation of that (except satanism.)

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04-04-2014 05:15 AM
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Chanku Offline
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Post: #7
i am evil and must die

kfc, it really depends of the type of Satanism.

Pretty Much my only signature...I'm mainly a lurker....you can find me on the IRC (or on DnE and their IRC).

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04-04-2014 05:50 AM
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KFC Nyan Cat Away
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Post: #8
RE: i am evil and must die

(04-04-2014 05:50 AM)Chanku Wrote:  kfc, it really depends of the type of Satanism.
LaVeyan? Because I've had plenty of run-ins with them and "TEH SATINIST BABBLE" basically says life has no rules unless I interpreted it wrong.

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04-04-2014 06:24 AM
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Chanku Offline
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Post: #9
i am evil and must die

There is more than LaVeyan, there is Spiritual Satanism.

Pretty Much my only signature...I'm mainly a lurker....you can find me on the IRC (or on DnE and their IRC).

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04-04-2014 06:27 AM
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Ky Offline
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Post: #10
i am evil and must die

You feel you cannot let go of your idealism in the face of realism to the point at which you'd rather die than act, right?

Please, act! Defend yourself and what you stand for? Give in and let go of your ideals? Find a substantially superior third option like they do in the movies? Any of that, just don't die!

You're not crazy for thinking that murder is wrong, or that FDR was scum (he really really was, and for a lot more than the horror of the internment camps), or that the draft was slavery, that war is hell, that pacifism is preferable to violence, that patriotism is stupid, and that your school is attempting to destroy you. Hell, you're probably right!

But if you truly believe those things, you need help if you think you can justify murder against you, whether enacted by you or another person. Suicide is not the answer - feel free to call me sick for saying that, but I mean it!

You aren't burdening us in the least. You aren't evil, and you aren't a psychopath, but you are sick in the sense that you need to get better. Get whatever help you can. Fight for it if you must. Just don't stop fighting the gloom that threatens to lead you to your death. If there is one thing you can do for us, it is that.

I don't care if the things I'm saying aren't acceptable, or if I'm scaring you. If this is what it takes to keep a friend alive, I will do nothing less.

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04-04-2014 06:45 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #11
i am evil and must die

I like you.

But I'd have to disagree with the whole view on murder being evil(and the hate on FDR!)

But that's not an issue Smile

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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04-04-2014 09:55 AM
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KFC Nyan Cat Away
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Post: #12
i am evil and must die

You are not evil. You are very good. Pacifism is good. The schools and the government want to convince you that war is good. But it's not! The only reason we have war is because it's human nature.

I agree that patriotism is bad too. In fact, saying the pledge of allegiance, to me, it's like PRAYING TO A FLAG.

You really need to lighten up. Stop being so hard on yourself.

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04-04-2014 11:04 AM
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Miab419 Offline
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Post: #13
RE: i am evil and must die

I like to think humans are a little more faithful than just killing machines. Of course, some people do it for the profit; humans find benefit in living among another and should only justify taking life when their's is threatened
04-05-2014 01:56 AM
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Illuzion Offline
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Post: #14
RE: i am evil and must die

You seem okay to me. You're not a psychopath either.

Have your regrets, but always stay strong from yours truly, Illuzion.
04-12-2014 02:58 PM
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The man Offline
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Post: #15
RE: i am evil and must die

(04-03-2014 06:47 PM)Vatman Wrote:  ...killing someone is always murder.

WROOOOOOOOOOONGGGGGGGGGGG!

mur·der

ˈmərdər/
noun
noun: murder; plural noun: murders

1.
the unlawful premeditated killing of one human being by another.


jus·ti·fi·a·ble hom·i·cide
noun
noun: justifiable homicide

the killing of a person in circumstances that allow the act to be regarded in law as without criminal guilt.

(04-03-2014 06:47 PM)Vatman Wrote:  Soldiers who fight to protect their country and are forced to take a life, should have to serve time in prison for their crime. Despite the circumstances

You did say you were a bit crazy with your pacifism,but WTF? that's way too far....not to mention completely unrealistic....

their pee should hv been shot out like a ki blast breaking the rocks

oh and also No one has any rights. We're free, rights create invisible restrictions. But we live in a society where the majority accepts rights to be true.
(This post was last modified: 04-08-2017 03:25 AM by The man.)
04-08-2017 03:15 AM
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James Comey Away
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Post: #16
i am evil and must die

187

RIP GWEDIN
RIP URITIYOGI
RIP NIGHT
RIP VONUNOV
RIP WES/THEWAKE
RIP USERNAME

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04-08-2017 05:45 AM
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The man Offline
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Post: #17
i am evil and must die

Wut?

their pee should hv been shot out like a ki blast breaking the rocks

oh and also No one has any rights. We're free, rights create invisible restrictions. But we live in a society where the majority accepts rights to be true.
04-08-2017 07:12 AM
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James Comey Away
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Post: #18
i am evil and must die

187 on the undercover cop

RIP GWEDIN
RIP URITIYOGI
RIP NIGHT
RIP VONUNOV
RIP WES/THEWAKE
RIP USERNAME

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Stop jerking off to porn and whining and do something about it

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04-08-2017 07:18 AM
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The man Offline
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Post: #19
i am evil and must die

BUMP.

their pee should hv been shot out like a ki blast breaking the rocks

oh and also No one has any rights. We're free, rights create invisible restrictions. But we live in a society where the majority accepts rights to be true.
05-01-2017 03:41 AM
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Post: #20
i am evil and must die

Shit I still remember reading this thread tho

RIP GWEDIN
RIP URITIYOGI
RIP NIGHT
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RIP WES/THEWAKE
RIP USERNAME

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Stop jerking off to porn and whining and do something about it

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05-01-2017 04:20 AM
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