"Never egg the quiet kid's house. Bad things happen"

[James Comey]

Thanks to HeilKaiba for sharing this in the SS IRC. This took place in the late 90s by the way.

Quote:I found my way here via a story over on Tales From Retail because a user had suggested one story should be cross-posted here. After reading some of the stories here and giggling to myself at my work desk, I recalled a story from my teenage years that should definitely be shared.
I spent my high school years in a small town in Wisconsin. There were only a few stop lights and everyone knew everyone. If you screwed up or did something embarrassing, everyone knew about it within hours, sometimes sooner. I had a small circle of friends and then a host of "acquaintances" that I hung out with from time to time. One of them is the center of our story.

He was a pretty good guy. We'll call him Ted, for story's sake. The problem, of course, was that he was your standard outcast in high school life. He wasn't athletic, played video games in a time when gamers truly were considered nerds or geeks, and was a skinny kid with glasses, which made him easy to pick on. I have been and always will be a gamer, so he and I had no issues getting along. I was slightly more athletic and played football, so I was able to at least keep some guys off of his back for him. There was nothing I could do about the hockey guys, though.
Let's go to the event in question.

It was a Saturday and we were at the bowling alley with a couple of our mutual friends. All was going well until several members of said hockey team come walking in and, of course, get put in the lane just a couple down from us. Close enough where they could be dicks and show off in front of their girlfriends. Of course, they singled him out and left the rest of us alone, but that doesn't really fly very well with me and tried to get them to stop, which failed, of course.

After putting up with their bullshit for an entire game, Ted finally showed a little backbone and, quite loudly, told them to shut the fuck up and leave him alone. Well, in small town logic, doing something like that means you are asking for more trouble (or maybe it's just terrible high schooler logic?) that you don't want. One of the players said to him:
Oh, you're going to be a big man now? Well, don't worry. We'll put you in your place.

I stepped in and told them to just leave us alone and that nothing needed to happen, because it was really pointless, as just about everything was regarding high school issues. They stopped it and we finished our game, heading out to one of our mutual friend's house to hang out there. We think nothing of it and I head home pretty late that night.
My phone rings the next morning. It's Ted. He's crying.
Ted: GNPunk, they egged my house last night...
The hockey guys?
Ted: Yes. It's a mess!
How bad is it? And how do you know it was them?
Ted: One of them called me to rub it in. We had the windows open! Some of it got in here!

I headed over there shortly and, sure enough, the house was absolutely pelted and covered with yolk, marks, egg shells, etc. Inside the house were at least seven or eight direct hits. It was pretty gross. I stuck around and helped him clean it up. During the clean-up, though, I realized that Ted was not only over his crying, but he was plotting revenge. When we were done cleaning up, he started calling up a couple of his friends for ideas. He wasn't going to be able to get everyone back, but he could at least get the one that seemingly led the charge.
And he did get him. Holy shit, did he get him.

Being in Wisconsin, one thing that underagers really like to do, besides drink illegally, is to chew tobacco. He had a couple of friends who did just that and, because they weren't exactly the cleanest people around, had some bottles of spit and other things laying around. He asked them to bring him whatever they could. Before they came over with those bottles, he went and bought a couple dozen eggs. I assumed he was going to return the favor of egging the house and just taking it one step further.
Nope. He was out to do damage.
So, what's the plan?
Ted: I'm going to get however big of a container that I need and throw all of this together. Rotten eggs, chew spit, whatever else I can find.
Throws up in mouth a little
That's....wow, that's pretty damn good. You going to throw it on the asshole's house?
Ted: Oh, no. Something way better than that.

He ended up combining all of it into a small bucket. There was a lot of it. It was extremely disgusting. To top it off, he left it outside in the Sun to just kind of stew for awhile. It was an unusually warm Spring for us, so leaving that outside to stew was pretty damn ingenious. He left it outside for a week. By the time the following weekend rolled around, this was some of the worst smelling shit I had ever encountered. The kid had a plan, and he was going to do whatever he had in mind. His parents were trying to figure out if it was possible to do an investigation, but with no witnesses, there wasn't much they could do. Phone calls meant nothing, and Ted figured this was the best option.

Ted's plan was simple: You see, hockey asshole had a brand new truck. It also had a pretty good sound system in it, and these guys would hang out in parking lots and just sit around, talking, bitching, and he would have his windows wide open. Ted was getting that bucket of wretchedness into the cab of his truck. He didn't care how.
Unfortunately, I was not around to witness this. I was out of state with family the weekend that it occurred, but I did get the phone call from our friend who drove him to the hang out.

He was lucky enough to catch them in the parking lot and far enough away from the truck where he had a clean shot. They pulled up along side of the truck and Ted managed to pop out, launch the contents of the bucket into the cab through the window, and get back into the car before they could make it to him. While on the phone with the getaway driver, I could hear Ted laughing so hard in the background, he was hyperventilating. I was concerned that he was going to get into major trouble, but he truly did not give a fuck. He had reached his breaking point and was basking in the glory of his revenge.

I got back to school on Monday and it was the talk of the school. The truck's interior was flat out ruined and smelled like Sex Panther. He couldn't even drive it because Ted had managed to do a surgical strike and douse just about everything, and then just chucked the bucket into it upside down to ensure it all got in there. He had become a legend in the manner that he had hoped for.

Ted had been concerned that he was going to get his ass kicked because of this and, truth be told, I think everyone expected it. However, it didn't happen because word had already reached the higher ups in the school. My town was very much a good ol' boy town where "eye for an eye" still meant something. The two of them were brought into a meeting and told that they were not to even speak to each other. As for the damages caused, both sets of parents were informed of what was shared in the meeting where each of them admitted to their actions. The parents were asked to handle discipline of each of their children and to work out the issue of the damages caused. The parents ended up agreeing to just take care of their own problems and leave it at that.

No one bothered Ted after that. Hockey asshole's truck became known as the "spit cup truck" which pissed him off to no end. Ted ended up getting a girlfriend out of the whole mess because, honestly, showing that kind of balls, it just had to happen. He never really became a "popular" kid in high school, but no one dared to fuck with him after that.
And that, my friends, is a dish of revenge served ice cold.

TL;DR: Friend gets his house egged by asshole. Revenge comes in the form of a bucket of tobacco spit and rotten eggs in said asshole's truck. Hilarity ensues.

[Ky]

Cool story. No, really; it is.

[James Comey]

Yeah. It reminds me a bit of Dirtbikemike's Rosa Parks thread, just a lot more extreme. This really was badass, I respect Ted for that.

[Heil_Kaiba8921]

More stories over at reddit.com/r/prorevenge

[brainiac3397]

Nice.