I suffered a mental breakdown today

[James Comey]

Hmm.... where do I start.

Well, the thing is that this happened in fucking school. I wanted to go home but I wasn't sure if the office would take me seriously enough, or I don't know. Basically, I was trying to hold in my tears and thoughts and trying to prevent it and I was able to get out of school without breaking down. However, as soon as I got home, I started crying uncontrollably. It was extremely stressful and I fear it might be the first of many more breakdowns.

So many thoughts were going through my head. I don't want to get extremely detailed, but I can say what I was feeling. For one, I was getting many flashbacks. I was getting flashbacks of many uncomfortable memories that still affect me to this day. At the same time, I got some positive flashbacks, but most of them were negative. I got some flashbacks of me (or myself controlling another person) experiencing events that never happened in my life, but still were bad enough to affect me. It was really crazy. Not only that, but I also was thinking that in the future, I'd end up walking in the city streets and asking myself "what am I supposed to do?" or "what is my purpose?" and keep getting depressing memories of people I liked or once knew. It was really scary and sad, honestly.

I also felt as if my soul died today, or is at least dying right now. I really don't know how to explain it. It's confusing to think that way. During my breakdown, I felt extremely empty. I felt defenseless, I really felt like just breaking down in tears in my desk and not caring at all, because I felt that there was nothing worth living in life, that all I was going to do was trot the earth and wait for something that never arrives, or just wonder what I'll do. I felt extremely lonely, kinda like I have in the past few days. I feel as if there's almost no one outside my family that I can get any kind of motivation or comfort, or actually cares about me. That specific thought came through my mind: does anyone give a shit about me, anyway? It's really scary when you think that.

It's been some very strange past 5-7 days for me. A lot of stuff has been going through my emotions, perhaps stronger because I have better metacognitive skills and the fact that I pretty much see my schoolwork useless in these scenarios, but I think my realization of my social anxiety has also played a role, my recognition of all my though processes, if that makes any kind of sense. There was a feeling inside of me that I was going to meltdown inevitably, and I did. I definitely did meltdown.

For some time though, I've felt very disillusioned. I've been suffering some strong delusions at times shall I say. I've definitely felt as if my moods have been swinging a lot. I even feel at times that I'm switching personalities. To be more accurate, in my head, I feel as if all these conflicting thoughts and emotions are going to war against each other. yeah, I feel as if a war is going on in my head.

I decided to take a walk, buy an ice cream, and chill, so I do feel better right now, but during that mental breakdown, I definitely felt completely different. I felt the way I described above. It felt extremely weird. Most of the time, I just wanted to break down in tears, but sometimes, the breakdown would pause for a few minutes before some other thought or memory comes to provoke my breakdown again.

That was my day, basically. I really don't know what I should do. Finals tests start tomorrow, though thankfully I'll have short days for the next 3 days before a 4 day weekend. I feel I need to get rid of my social anxiety because I feel it's preventing me from doing a lot of things, and I also feel I need to get more exercise in my life. I definitely feel school caused some of this, but my self-isolation and sense of self-worthlessness as well. That's all for know.

[Ky]

Yikes. I don't know what to say.

My advice is definitely to take care of your physical health; if you don't, your emotional health will only get worse and you'll only be getting more of these flashbacks. Also challenge these "visions of the future". Have a plan for your life and have faith in that plan.

And if you need an answer to that burning question, I know it might not mean much, but I'm hoping it does: I give a shit. You're a headstrong online acquaintance that I would be honored to call friend, and I'm here to help however I can.

[James Comey]

Thanks for that, DoA, I need that.

[Ky]

These...delusions, so you say, appear to all have one theme in common: fear. You are afraid of some events from your past, afraid of an uncertain present, and afraid of failure following you into the future. While I cannot say whether you are justified to fear, I can say that you should be brave in the midst of your insecurity. Behind your anxiety are a number of strengths, specifically tailored to you.

To know yourself is not only to know your weaknesses, but also the strong parts of you that you may actually be too humble to accept. So understand that you are a human being with unquantifiable power, and that you have it within yourself to stand tall against the pressures from society, and within.

Corny as it may sound, you must believe in yourself. And the self is a mighty strong thing to believe in; there is no power greater than that of the individual.

[Marzo]

Hansgrohe, I just want to say that I really appreciate you for posting this. It's really good to write down your feelings. For me, it's allowed me to organize my thoughts and everything that has happened to me. Not only that, but expressing yourself and seeking help here may also inspire those who share similar issues with you to open up as well.

Have you thought about talking to anyone about this? Is there a counsellor at your school that you feel comfortable opening up to?

Could you elaborate more on your delusions if you feel comfortable? What do mean, more specifically?

Please know that a lot of us will listen to you if you are having any issues. I know that there's the barrier of distance and a computer screen between us and you, but you are never alone.

[James Comey]

@DoA Thanks for the advice. Actually, the fact that one is aware of their thoughts, fears, and weaknesses helps because they may know how to overcome it and do not want to succumb to those thoughts.

@Marzo Yeah, I think I should be more descriptive of the delusions going on during that 2 hour time period (thanks a lot, school)

One re-occurring delusion was being in some kind of war zone, or fighting some kind of war. As one example, I felt as if I was an IRA member participating in the Troubles in Ireland (definitely wasn't the only war). It felt very scary because believe it or not, the human mind can re-create memories that are completely fictional yet they can seem very real. I could imagine myself feeling the emotions of many people, their sorrow and grief, all the horror of war. It was kinda like a PTSD flashback but more milder.

Another specific delusion may be much more scarier. I remember one where I was pointing a gun at someone I knew from school, and was about to execute that person, but my emotions kicked in, and I fought myself from killing that person. It felt as if 2 of myselves were having a struggle, fighting each other. It felt really scary.

Perhaps the scariest was me shooting up the school. I was shooting everyone before I just completely broke down and started crying "why?!" and I kept crying and wanting to kill myself, regretting all the horror I did. It was extremely scary. I remember killing people I knew and having to hear their screams, their agony, sometimes even feeling their death. Horrible. Like I said, a lot of these felt like PTSD experiences/flashbacks, just milder.

[Subb]

I really have no idea what to say here. I don't think I have the right advice. But, I'll do my best.

First of all, I also give a shit. I'm never good at articulating that stuff, so I'll just leave it at that. I give a shit.

Secondly, you need to get to the source of these problems, and then find a way to cope. That's what I did with my anger issues. The reason why I would break down and cry when I got home from school is because I bottled up my anger, and let it grow to a rage, and then let it go when I got home. Since then, I've leaned that in order to keep my anger in control, I need to vent. Let it out in a controlled fashion when I can control it, so that I don't go into a boiling rage when I can't. I do this with my therapist, and these forums have helped out a lot as well. I also need time to cool down. This is what virtual school is good at. If something is pestering me, I can walk away.

So, figure out what is causing your stress, and why. But, always boil it down to something you can do something about. If school is the primary cause you this stress and sadness, figure out why.

Third, if you're really afraid of getting this way again, get help. Talk to someone. It can be anyone. A counselor, a therapist, anyone who will listen and try to help. Everyone needs help every once and a while.

So, that's my advice. I hope you can get some use out of this.

[James Comey]

I'll describe where these flashbacks might have come from and how this succumbed.

I think it's definitely a wide variety of factors. For one, being in school is a trigger, and the fact that I had to go 2 hours of this without help is saying something. It should be noted that the Finals testing is coming up this week (begins tomorrow where I live), so that may also be a factor: a stress over big testing. However, I said to myself not to worry and half-ass it enough that I pass it. I think that school is not enough to describe my mental breakdown though.

I feel as if though there is some kind of emotional factor behind it as well, if not even stronger. Over these past few days I've felt very empty, I've felt very lonely, and yes, I've felt as if no one cared about me. I keep having this irrational fear that people are going to leave me, that I'm going to be abandoned. I have this irrational fear of missing people that I wanted to know but I never got to know very well. The feeling of leaving school kinda scares me. Don't get me wrong, I hate school, school made this worse than it really had to be, but I think I'm going to miss being around the people there, which is ironic considering I hang by myself. Basically, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to deal with all issues myself, I want a comforting person with me.

Yet there's also a third factor. As I said, during this time my mind felt as if it was engulfed in this massive war. I felt as if my light and dark sides had officially declared war and decided to cross each other's border and fire upon each other. Perhaps this might help explain those extremely strong delusions (i.e. the execution, the IRA delusion, etc). Specifically the execution one, it was a good example of my dark side and my light side fighting. It was my state of mind at the time. I didn't know whether to feel angry at people or feel nice around them. It felt as if all those emotions just exploded.

My mother did notice what I was going through and suggested a therapist, but at the time I declined, but I may re-discuss with her. I feel these issues need to be discussed properly and I feel they may get worse without help. For now though, I'll try to keep a good physical shape and keep writing down my thoughts.

[xcriteria]

That's an intense set of experiences, especially to have in school.

DoA, Marzo, and SubCulture's responses were a great start.

There's a lot to make sense of in all of that.

Regarding not feeling cared about... I care about you, and it's clear many others here do as well.

Beyond that, it's useful to consider that even if you hadn't happened to find School Survival, even if your family provided no support, even if school was worse than it is for you now... you still matter. And, you live on a planet with 7 billion people... and you have time to get to know more of them.

But, that leads into one of your anxieties: what will life be like for you, after you leave school. You've made a conscious decision to embrace a more open-ended future than those who cling to the traditional school-credentials-work narrative. Even if you've cognitively accepted the inherent uncertainty in that path, it's psychologically a lot to process.

All the war imagery you describe gets at a basic psychological concept: conflict. You're dealing with a lot of it. Writing about it is a good step, but you might also consider drawing, even if it's in the form of seemingly incoherent lines, shapes, and patterns. Personally, I've found this useful at times, and it's something to explore. Carl Jung did a lot of "art therapy" both himself and with patients, especially related to mandalas, or these circle images: Cool Art Therapy Intervention #6: Mandala Drawing.

That may or may not be useful for you, but it's something to consider as a means of processing the conflict you're encountering.

Regarding seeing a therapist, I think that could make sense, but keep in mind there are a range of therapists, and you may have to try a few to find a good fit. One thing I'd suggest is find one (or several) are social media savvy, and attuned to the problems of factory-model education. That might be a tall order, but if you can find a bona fide therapist who is also open to reading and responding to some of what you post online, I can see a lot of possible benefits.

In terms of your thoughts about the future, those questions of "what am I supposed to do?" or "what is my purpose?" are ones a lot of people encounter at different points. My suggestion is, try to embrace these as positives. These are indications you have choices, options, alternatives. Sometimes that can be a lot to deal with, but it's one of the benefits (and challenges) of "freedom."

There's a lot more to all this, but I'm going to wrap this up for now. Just remember, you are cared about... and beyond that, a number of us have helping others as a personal passion. There are steps to making sense of all these things and finding your way forward at different points... which I think you already understand. Figuring out what they are is the challenge, but one I think you're well-equipped to address.

I can see the stress of school, combined with the uncertainty of what life beyond school will be, is a lot to confront. Are you feeling better, for now? Some of your concerns are just going to take time to confront, but addressing your short-term states of mind is important as well.

[Subb]

Figuring out why this is happening is the first step to stopping it. School is a factor because school is school. You haven't been feeling good because you don't want to be alone and will (somewhat) miss the social aspect of school. The thing you still need to figure out is why your mind as at war with itself.

I'm no psychologist, but I will say one thing. Pay attention to your dreams. Many people say that they're the gateway to the subconsious mind. The answer could be in your dreams. Nightmares are just like dreams, but they're like the subconsious yelling at you instead of talking to you.

I also have one hypothesis. You're nearing the end of your school career, and therfore, the end of your youth. Maybe your mind is deciding who it will be as an adult? Maybe it's going through some sort of metamorphasis, and it's taking its toll on your psyche? Just an idea.

[WhatEvenIsThis]

I give all my shits to you, man. If I could, I would give all shits that are hidden in every spot of my anus.

You are one of the rare people in this world that felt more helpful to me than ANYONE I know.

This giant wall of post expressing your feelings... this is just the same way I do my posts.

What you felt there in this one breakdown... is what I feel like my entire life since middle-school. The self-worthlessness and stuff actually comes from school too.

I have ALWAYS DREAMED of walking outside in the rain and just going somewhere calm and beautiful... where I can feel my power skyrocketing, but it was always the fucking work in school that ruined all fun and love I had been looking forward to... LITERALLY LIKE A PRISON, ONLY WORSE.

Just continue the way you are, we all love you that way.

[HighSchoolFailure1337]

I have been having breakdowns for years, and my school's unfair rules haven't helped. This spoiled kid who got everything he wanted all the time got a sotm award, a stupid procedure there to make other kids feel ashamed of themselves and jealous. I also notice my principal's pointless anti phone rule where a teacher can instantly grab your phone from you no matter what. I never disturb others with it intentionally. My counselar says that I've been babied because my teachers were so afraid I'd have a meltdown, they'd give me stuff to calm me down. I think this ridiculous behavior from a professional is off.

[HighSchoolFailure1337]

I have been having breakdowns for years, and my school's unfair rules haven't helped. This spoiled kid who got everything he wanted all the time got a sotm award, a stupid procedure there to make other kids feel ashamed of themselves and jealous. I also notice my principal's pointless anti phone rule where a teacher can instantly grab your phone from you no matter what. I never disturb others with it intentionally. My counselar says that I've been babied because my teachers were so afraid I'd have a meltdown, they'd give me stuff to calm me down. I think this ridiculous behavior from a professional is off.

[Symbol]

That's pretty bad. I have no idea, maybe rest for a while by faking sick or something?

[James Comey]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Thankfully, this had some decent timing. For the next few days I get out of school early, and Friday I won't have school, nor will I have school on Monday, so I will definitely have time to get away from school. Yes, I do feel much more better and emotionally and mentally a lot more stable. However, the memory is still fresh inside my mind, and may stay that way, perhaps for the better. It allows me to help people that may go through that same thing.

I decided to write down my feelings during those 2 hours and also the events that lead up to it. Be warned, this may be quite a lot to process:

Hidden stuff:

On Monday I experienced the worst mental breakdown of my life. I felt so confused and scared by all the thoughts racing through my head. I feel this breakdown was caused by a mix of many complex emotions that were all very mentally straining and confusing to process. Indeed, the past 10 or so days have been very strange mentally-wise. I feared on the last day of my Winter Break, that a meltdown in school was inevitable. I was right.

Let's get to one cause: school. I've become completely tired of following the usual everyday factory prison schedule of school, doing the same stuff every day. It feels extremely meaningless and I hate it. My feelings of being free, my fantasy of storming out the class and flying away from school is strong. I want to find some meaning in my life. I'm tired of going to the factory every day and being forcibly indoctrinated and sometimes scorned or humiliated. I've chosen a path in life which goes against the basic values of a high school: "college, find a job, get married, die". I've chosen to try to do something not encouraged by mainstream society. To go against the "safe path" can be very risky, but I feel this is a risk worth taking. If I take the "safe path", I'll probably suffer more breakdowns and end up wasting my life and knowledge. Fuck that.

Yet at the same time, I'm scared of leaving school. There are a lot of people here in school that I can't imagine leaving behind. I don't want to leave them. A lot of people provide me some kind of comfort, a comfort I feel I can't live without, a type of comfort that almost makes school worth it. I'm scared of the thought of being without them. I'm even more scared that I'll never get to know people that I want to know, and memories of them will always come back to haunt me, either in my sleep or when I'm walking the city streets wondering where to go. It's a strange and very scary thought. The feeling of endless loneliness and abandonment.

That's another re-occurring theme over the past 3 weeks: loneliness. I've been extremely solitary and haven't communicated much with people outside my family in person. that kind of solitariness has finally taken its toll. Even being introverted I wish to approach people and know them, but the social anxiety I developed during middle school has made me scared to death to even do this. Basically, you can say my social anxiety has been imprisoning me. A self-made prison. And finally, I'm realizing that anxiety is making me go insane. Developing social anxiety is easy, getting rid of it is hard. This loneliness has really started to make me seriously depressed. I feel empty, hollow. I don't know know how to combat it. I'm scared of being away from people. I feel like my soul is dying.

Then there are these extremely strange delusions, some very hard to make sense of at a glance. However, they all have one theme: Fear and conflict. During those 2 hours, I had memories of myself participating in the Troubles as an IRA member. Take note that human memory can be a very funny thing. One can experience strong and vivid memories they've never experienced, fictional ones. It may reflect mood or feelings. I remember igniting a car bomb, feeling proud before collapsing and crying "why?!". It feels as if my light and dark sides have declared war on each other. Some people are mo lighter, some darker, side wise. I feel as if I'm split 50/50. The only things these sides can agree on is that they both hate school and among a few other things. Otherwise, it's like yin and yang. But I feel as if it's tearing me apart. I feel sometimes that I'm alternating personalities from these sides. It's so weird, and it scares me. Sometimes, I even question who I am, anyway. One day I may be more darker, another day I may be more lighter.

My light and dark sides are strange. My light side is obsessed with helping poor people, giving aid. my dark side wants to run an empire and loves listening to Soviet military music. My light side is obsessed with democracy, my dark side is obsessed with empires and dictatorships. Perhaps this also helps explain my recent obsession on seeing how dictatorships are run and also various dictators.

Then, there's a final, finishing touch of this meltdown. This is one thing that's been bugging me. A good ol' high school crush, but this one is much more confusing and strange because of this one being particularly being more mentally difficult to comprehend. Usually, when I had a crush, I just thought nothing more of it. However, this one is strange because I actually hated this person in question. Not the type you get from liking, just straight-up good ol' dislike. However, considering my judgement skills have changed a lot, and the fact that I talked to this person, it left a mark on me. For one day, I tried to suppress it, and then, I could feel it. I couldn't get away from it. Normally, if nothing else was going on in my life I could probably get over it and leave it as it is, but this one being more complex in my mind, combined with all these other factors, all lead to the breakdown.

If there are any other touches, I have to say that I've recently been deprived of sleep. I find it difficult to sleep at least 8 hours and wake up when the school wants me to, and even if I do, I sometimes still feel tired. During my 2-week break, I felt so free, and it's been difficult to re-acclimate to school. I've felt really uncomfortable with the authoritarian way of school, which is ironic considering the way I've described my dark side. I remember the first day I got back by lunch time, I felt nauseous, left home, and stop feeling nauseous. I'm also starting to take a lot less shit from my teachers. I'm starting to become apathetic to what some of my teachers say, and sometimes their stupid standards drive me insane! I can't stand some of them anymore!

I feel as if my big brother doesn't understand me as well. I've been having arguments with him. He called me lazy when I came home feeling nauseous, and he keeps trying to shove conformist shit down my throat. I told him that I shouldn't have to accept some shitty ass life and I could make my dreams possible if I could find opportunities. He says my sleep schedule is my fault. I feel as if he really doesn't understand at all what I'm dealing with.

Finally, to end this, I hate winter. I really hate it. I'm getting damn tired of the short days. I'm getting tired of the school days. I'm getting tired of all this bullshit. I want it to be summer already. However, it's still some time away. Unfortunately, winter is one of those things we have to deal with. Ugh....

That's a lot to process, it's a lot of text, that's what I've been feeling over the past few days. A lot to process. A lot of complex emotions. All of this mixed together and I get one massive mental breakdown. A spill of emotions.

And thanks guys, I'm glad to be here on School Survival. I'm glad I'm not some kid that puts his faith in what school says. I have a feeling I would have ended up in a seriously bad depression which would have been difficult to escape. Perhaps this mental breakdown was really a blessing in disguise.

[xcriteria]

Thanks for the update... that's a useful analysis, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

One question I have is, how does that survey you did fit into this strange past 10 days?

It seems like that was a step outside your isolation. Did your experience of doing that, or reflection on it, fit into any of the conflict you've felt? Did it help, was it anxiety-provoking, did it make you feel better, etc?

Regarding your feelings of a war inside your head... the trope Battle in the Center of the Mind comes to mind. (It's written primarily about fictionalized accounts, of course, but it came to mind nonetheless.)

Hansgrohe Wrote:Yet at the same time, I'm scared of leaving school. There are a lot of people here in school that I can't imagine leaving behind. I don't want to leave them. A lot of people provide me some kind of comfort, a comfort I feel I can't live without, a type of comfort that almost makes school worth it. I'm scared of the thought of being without them. I'm even more scared that I'll never get to know people that I want to know, and memories of them will always come back to haunt me, either in my sleep or when I'm walking the city streets wondering where to go. It's a strange and very scary thought. The feeling of endless loneliness and abandonment.

The Internet makes it possible, at least in some cases, to maintain ongoing contact with people even beyond the walls of school. That's something to keep in mind. You still have a chance to get to know some people, as well. I can totally relate to not knowing how to initiate conversation, but one thing you might consider is find a pretext, like your survey, or researching a documentary, or a story, to strike up conversations. From there, you might discover further paths of conversation to follow.

Regarding light and dark sides...

Hidden stuff:

Arguably, everyone has light and dark sides. In many cases, the "shadow" side of the self is unconscious and perhaps not even consciously accessible to the familiar ego-personality. Being in touch with all sides of one's self is definitely psychologically challenging... but if you can manage to reconcile the opposites, there's much to be gained.

This is part of what Jung called the path to individuation.

One question I have is, what gives rise to the motivations of your dark side, things like dictatorial control? What is it about that which you find fascinating?

I note that this seems to be a common theme among people who simultaneously don't want anyone controlling them. How much is it driven by a desire for autonomy, independence, and control over life in general... and how does that turn into a desire to dominate and rule others in a rigid manner?

And, I have more thoughts and questions... but that's enough for another round of exchange.

[James Comey]

The survey that I conducted was definitely a step outside my isolation. In fact, before I started it, I felt nervous. I mean, I struggle a lot with initiating conversations. Talking to more than 45 people in one setting was something else! However, after asking many people, I adjusted quickly, and soon it wasn't nearly as fear-provoking.

I'm aware of social networking, and yes, I can keep in contact with people outside of the school walls, and perhaps it will be interesting to see where they end up.

Hidden stuff:

Though this is somewhat unrealistic, I actually hope that I can get notable enough that everyone knows about me. For example, I'd like to see their reactions when I become a giant critic of the factory model of education.

As for my light and dark sides:

Hidden stuff:

Interesting. It seems for quite some time (actually, since elementary school) that I've been able to keep in touch with all my sides. It's somewhat funny because I feel as if there's always some massive raging debate in my head. There are certain parts in my mind which have one opinion, yet it differs from another part. It seems as if they're always fighting each other, and yes, that sounds (and is) psychologically challenging.

I'm really not sure about my obsession with dictatorship, and, to extend that, imperialism and hegemony. It's something that's always appealed to me. Having control of this large area and controlling everyone, knowing that I am their ruler.... perhaps it stems from my bullying during middle school, and some other experiences, and my mind's intense feeling to take revenge, and show them who's boss.....

I also find it whenever I'm watching a military parade (especially Soviet), or listening to some strong military music (like the Red Choir), I always feel this kind of release. My hairs on my body stand up. It makes me feel great, actually. Makes me feel empowered.

[xcriteria]

One way to gain notability is to work on and/or participate in a documentary about this whole "transform education" thing.

As for light and dark sides:

Hidden stuff:

(01-16-2014 07:52 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  Interesting. It seems for quite some time (actually, since elementary school) that I've been able to keep in touch with all my sides. It's somewhat funny because I feel as if there's always some massive raging debate in my head. There are certain parts in my mind which have one opinion, yet it differs from another part. It seems as if they're always fighting each other, and yes, that sounds (and is) psychologically challenging.

This clip from neuroscientist David Eagleman is related:



Watch on YouTube

This sounds like something to explore further, though.

(01-16-2014 07:52 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  I'm really not sure about my obsession with dictatorship, and, to extend that, imperialism and hegemony. It's something that's always appealed to me. Having control of this large area and controlling everyone, knowing that I am their ruler.... perhaps it stems from my bullying during middle school, and some other experiences, and my mind's intense feeling to take revenge, and show them who's boss.....

Related trope: Freudian Excuse

This raises interesting questions, though... what parts of one's motivation follow from one'e experiences, like being bullied, nurtured, tortured, or educated, vs. which parts are just a personal or human drive of some kind?

Lots to think about, there. Personally, I can relate to playing ruler in strategy video games, but in real life, I'd rather find ways to educate others than control them.

Any thoughts on that?

(01-16-2014 07:52 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  I also find it whenever I'm watching a military parade (especially Soviet), or listening to some strong military music (like the Red Choir), I always feel this kind of release. My hairs on my body stand up. It makes me feel great, actually. Makes me feel empowered.

I think this is a relatively common response to various forms of patriotic music. That's also something to explore the causes of. Music in general, and how people respond to it, is a fascinating topic.

More later, but has the conflict subsided at all?

Or is it more of an ongoing thing?

[James Comey]

Yes, I can definitely say the conflict has subsided, for now, at least. I pretend that there is a "DMZ" in my brain which is the border to the light and dark sides. Occasionally the dark side soldiers will approach the DMZ and start playing military music (kinda like the South Korean military went to the Korean DMZ and started playing K-Pop), but not much conflict.... for now.

Also, you told me that you had some more questions. If you wish, you may ask them via PM.

[James Comey]

As I write, I'm a much different person.

It's night time right now, and I've reached a low point. I'm feeling seriously depressed. I've been feeling depressed since the last week of winter break, but it's gotten worse. I feel I can barely do anything right now. Here are some after-effects of that breakdown:

*I've lost track of what day it is. I now know it's January 17, but I've been thinking the days are different. I thought it was the 15th when it was the 16th. My perception on the calender has messed up since.
*Nostalgic memories only depress me now. No matter where I turn to, it seems that I always end up depressed by it. I can't escape my depression, basically.

Yet I know that perhaps within the morning, this depression is going to be over, at least for a few hours. I'm going to be excited, I'm going to be happy. My world is going to be on fire. Then the cycle will repeat, and continue to kill my soul....

[Subb]

Listen, I have some advice, but I want to let you know that this is just an idea. I'm talking out of my ass, but I really want to do all I can to help you.

You seem to be in a state of flux. Light and dark sides warring, shifting from happiness and depression, not knowing what day it is. Your mental state is getting chaotic, from what I see.

Do you have anything to hang on to? Something that you can focus on while these bouts of depression are happening. This could either be something that helps you forget temporarily, or something that matters more than your emotions. Some project you can work on that you really want to get done. Basically, something that is outside yourself that will keep you grounded.

Just my thoughts.

[Ky]

SubCulture raises an interesting point. I don't think it's a coincidence that you're switching between ecstasy and depression to the point at which you've lost your relative sense of time. And indeed, there can be no despair without hope, which makes the cycle all the more vicious.

But don't lose faith in your positive feelings, thoughts, and qualities. You are significantly better, stronger, and smarter than you think you are.

If you can't be assured of that, why not tip the scales in your favor? Assume full control of yourself while you're happy, but divide your attention when you're down. Make full use of the time you have in the morning and immerse yourself in a distraction in the evening. Under such circumstances, your depression cannot hope to win.

[xcriteria]

(01-18-2014 05:19 PM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  Yet I know that perhaps within the morning, this depression is going to be over, at least for a few hours. I'm going to be excited, I'm going to be happy. My world is going to be on fire. Then the cycle will repeat, and continue to kill my soul....

One suggestion is to keep a log of these fluctuations. Maybe, note your mood ever hour, along with possible triggers. This could also help you visualize time going by and serve as a reminder of the date.

In general, how often do you feel extreme highs, or lows? How long do the more intense experiences last?

Also, when you feel like your world is on fire, what's that like?

[James Comey]

Once again, thanks for the replies.

I've decided to start doing a real mental health log. Not on this site, but on my desktop. I've decided to start writing down my feelings somewhere. It helps because it helps me gain a better understanding of my rather complex thought processes, and why I am doing such things.

During extreme highs, believe it or not, I'm hopping around to energetic music. I feel as if there is some kind of rise in dopamine. Usually some part of my warring mind takes control. I start dancing uncontrollably and feel extremely happy. When my world "is on fire", I feel extremely confident in myself, I feel I can achieve all things. I feel as if I put my mind to it, it almost certainly will happen. Basically, a confident kind of high, and not bad to experience. The experience can last from a few hours to an entire day.

I've begun lifting weights, and I actually love doing it. The drawback is that it's best to lift weights only 2 times a week, as to avoid muscle strain and also to help your muscles grow. I also like riding my bike, but the thing that sucks about it is the lack of free space to ride my bike. I mean, cars everywhere.

My diet has changed somewhat as well. I've noticed I've been eating more vegetables. Perhaps this is a reaction from the "world on fire" side of my mind. I've started looking at calorie counts and nutrition facts, etc.

[Ky]

Perhaps it's not all bad, then. With proper temperance, you might even be able to retain all of the good effects without having to deal with the depression that comes after.

[xcriteria]

(01-19-2014 07:08 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  During extreme highs, believe it or not, I'm hopping around to energetic music. I feel as if there is some kind of rise in dopamine. Usually some part of my warring mind takes control. I start dancing uncontrollably and feel extremely happy. When my world "is on fire", I feel extremely confident in myself, I feel I can achieve all things. I feel as if I put my mind to it, it almost certainly will happen. Basically, a confident kind of high, and not bad to experience. The experience can last from a few hours to an entire day.

This sounds like what's called either hypomania or, in more extreme cases, mania.

The pattern of alternating hypomanic or manic episodes, and depressive episodes, is what people diagnosed with bipolar disorder (or in milder cases, cyclothymia) experience.

Have you ever had any of those diagnoses?

And, does anyone in your family have similar experiences with mood fluctuation, depression, and so on?

[xcriteria]

(01-19-2014 07:08 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  I've decided to start doing a real mental health log. Not on this site, but on my desktop. I've decided to start writing down my feelings somewhere. It helps because it helps me gain a better understanding of my rather complex thought processes, and why I am doing such things.

This can definitely be helpful. One form of this is used in what's called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT.) Basically, people note and record their "automatic thoughts," and learn to question them if they might not be accurate.

For example, thinking "nobody cares about me" can follow in part from a depressed mood or trigger, but the idea is those negative conclusions can then feed back into depressive thinking, even if they aren't objectively true. So, recording those thoughts and reflecting on them is a way to stop those cycles of mood influencing thoughts, which influence mood.

CBT has been found to be quite effective for treating depression and anxiety. It's basically a form of applied metacognition.

Hidden stuff:

I was looking for a reference to explain in more detail, and I found a whole channel related to explaining psychology concepts! Looks interesting.

This video explains the same thing I just tried to explain above, about thought tracking, especially starting around 2 minutes in.



Watch on YouTube

(01-19-2014 07:08 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  I've begun lifting weights, and I actually love doing it. The drawback is that it's best to lift weights only 2 times a week, as to avoid muscle strain and also to help your muscles grow. I also like riding my bike, but the thing that sucks about it is the lack of free space to ride my bike. I mean, cars everywhere.

Parks?

(01-19-2014 07:08 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  My diet has changed somewhat as well. I've noticed I've been eating more vegetables. Perhaps this is a reaction from the "world on fire" side of my mind. I've started looking at calorie counts and nutrition facts, etc.

Keeping a log of food intake is another practice that can help people be more conscious of what they're eating ("food journaling.") I'm trying to get better at deciding what to eat and buy, myself... including with the added consideration of cost tradeoffs.

Overall, there's a whole "movement" called the quantified self movement where people track all kinds of things in their life. I suppose it could be taken too far, but I think it does have immense value for being able to understand things as well as change them.

[James Comey]

I've never been diagnosed with any kind of bipolar or mania disorder, though I'm certain I likely have some kind of disorder that hasn't been diagnosed, and that I seriously need to get it checked out.

I hate self-confirmation and self-diagnoses, but I'm starting to think I might have borderline personality disorder, or something like that. Self-diagnoses is never a good way to determine whether one has a disorder, though such tools give an idea. I'm often more or less idealizing people, and sometimes devaluizing them as well. I often do feel "more" than others. For example, I take any kind of affection more seriously than need to be. And yes, I'm very sensitive to how people treat and perceive me, and feel that sometimes my relationships can get unstable.

Once again, I'll stress that I'm not saying I do have BPD, though I've been suspecting I might have it. Simply expressing what I've been feeling.

[xcriteria]

Self-diagnosis, and armchair diagnosis, is definitely something to be careful with. But, learning about some of these categories and labels can be a useful start.

Some of the things you describe, like feeling "more" than others, and sensitivity, can be characteristic of bipolar disorder as well as BPD.

I'd be particularly cautious with diagnosing BPD, for several reasons. One is, at least in the older (DSM-IV) definition, there are many combinations of symptoms that can all lead to that diagnosis, making it a bit ambiguous. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders) committees changed the criteria around quite a bit in the just-released DSM-V.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Big Changes in the DSM-5

It's also worth noting that personalities can evolve. Personality disorders in general focus on the negatives, without taking into account the whole psyche or positive sides of people's personality. In general, personality disorders are often considered to be resistant to treatment (especially borderline PD), but a variation of cognitive therapy called "schema therapy" has been found by its practitioners to be an effective treatment.

In my mind, there's the question of how "education" broadly conceived, and relationships and learning in general, relate to the question of therapies and treatments that clinical psychology focuses on. In other words, can you learn to manage some of those tendencies, and evolve how your psyche works, or are these disorders just something you have, and that's that?

The very act of labeling things, and the ways categories are constructed, can impact how people see themselves and each other. So, diagnosis in general deserves to be handled with caution.

The highs and lows you describe do sound like some form of what bipolar disorder describes. Like disorders in general, it's helpful to think of a spectrum from the more extreme forms of bipolar ("Bipolar I" as it's called) and milder versions ("Bipolar II" and cyclothymia) through to variations that don't even merit diagnosis.

Either way, it can be helpful to educate yourself about the range of experiences people have with similarities to your own (as well as differences.) One documentary about bipolar disorder, by Stephen Fry, is available in full online (two parts):

Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive

I like the style of that documentary, as an investigation. About 10m in, Stephen Fry goes back to his old school and talks about his time there. At 16m, he talks about being in a prison, which he said was just like school.

[Rusty Shackleford]

You went through some really nasty things, man. I can only say that I, too, care about you. Even though I'm new to the site and literally joined up (again) a couple of minutes ago, I want to give my support. So please, have a hug and an Internets.