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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

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My horrible life
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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Post: #1
My horrible life

So... little story time, folks.

I hate school... like REALLY hate it, I hate it so much, it is not even funny Grindteeth
...I would rather go to the Ninth Pit of Hell if it existed, and I would LOVE IT.

Alright, I am a Middle School student (I live in Germany, I assume my class system might be different from yours) in the 10th class and last class before graduating out of middle school... just saying that myself twists my asshole.

Now, the schedule of it is not so bad. Funnily, on every Monday, school is out at already 9:40AM for me, which results in me not hating Mondays that much anymore Biggrin... still does not say much either.

Ok, that is really not the main thing, I just wanted to explain some little things. Now on to the real cocktwister:

Presentations... I have literally no good offensive word for that thing that is strong enough to make me feel better... WHY IN THE GRAVE OF ADOLF HITLER DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS TO OURSELVES... no shit, we LITERALLY have to prepare SHITTY speeches, that actually decide how we are going to end up. What makes it better is that I am a pessimistic overly depressive shy person... a pessimistic and overly depressed person who no one wants to be together with, not that I blame them.

And exams.... the only way I feel better from thinking about this is if I just smashed my face at a wall... actually that is a good idea, I should do that.

The most important thing is my life aside from school (I know this may seem off-topic, but it really is not, as school has to do with that shit.)

Literally everyone around me... I know they are more cheerful than I am, I am just a lonely piece of fucking shit. Every break, I am walking around the schoolyard like a lonely fuck or something. And while I am not being bullied, I get annoyed by others insanely fast... What else? Schoolmates that pretend they are nice to me, but do not give a shit about my feelings... can you follow me with that somehow...?
And whenever I am not in school, when I am just outside walking for some fresh air, I am afraid I make a wrong movement so people would not look at me... fucking people. I am fucking worthless... or atleast I feel like it... you see what school does to me?

My family... I do love them, but still, I feel like the most worthless thing ever. My younger brother, he is mostly ticking me off with the same jokes that bore me to death... but he does manage to cheer me up at times. My sister... she is the youngest and gets almost everything for crying... she also has a smartphone... need I tell more? My father... now, while there are times where he can be funny, he is for the most part overreacting and screaming over any kind of thing he does not like... like the way I eat... or walk... or breathe... Noo

But my mother, she is the only one who really understands me. She tells me that I am her favorite child and that I should not be depressed... but you know... school, literally the worst thing ever, does not allow me to live happily any second. While she is the only person I really trusted everything on, I think she has no idea either: I try to convince her that school is going the wrong way, but she still stands with her opinion that I need to "learn"... and also she also rages out sometimes and when she rages at me, I always feel even shittier in my life Brickwall, but no problem, it is not like I want to be a little bit happy or anything.

But, I started to feel better when I went to the Psychologist, and he is such a great man. For every problem I have that I told him, he found a solution for. I always felt better, and I always look forward to going to him when I have problems. I even did an IQ test there, and the results were schocking...

Now, I wanted to keep this to myself, but I know I can really trust you guys: The result was that I had an IQ of 130... and yet I always have shitty marks (Not shitty, but just not great), I even researched that... and everything makes sense to me now.

I even suspected other things with me, like my pessimism, which always makes me feel uneasy, and yet... I feel like I need it in my life or something...
Depression, which is pretty much part of me. And all the other things that make me feel terrible, like Hypochondriasis (Fear of serious illnesses) and other things... At this point I have learned more about me than ever before.

Right now, I am thinking of studying Psychology myself.
Everything is possible when you really want to do it.
When people DO happen to talk to me, I always accomplish to help them with their inner problems. I am really good in keeping things for myself and helping people with their mental problems, physical problems a little bit too, but not too much. If there was a problem, I always somehow solved it. I also seemed to have a high vocabulary. There are many more things that I discovered in myself, and I suddenly did not feel worthless anymore. At this point, I know I want to be a Psychologist and help people with their life problems, and my god, I will do it MYSELF.

But you know... I am still here... in this shitstorm of a hell of a school, in which I just can not get the fuck out... I hate this fucking shit...

I just wanted to share my condition with you, because I know I can find a lot of friends in this website

I hope I will not look bad for writing something so excessively long... but I had to get it out.

Have a nice day, I am always looking forward to responses...

"Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by the way it climbs a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it is stupid"...
(This post was last modified: 07-01-2020 10:00 AM by WhatEvenIsThis.)
10-02-2013 08:20 AM
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James Comey Away
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Post: #2
My horrible life

I'd say if you really hate school that bad, I think it's time for one thing: drop out, and get home schooled. See what you and your family can do. It seems your mom is competent, so maybe she may be able to support you.

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10-02-2013 08:51 AM
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Faroven Offline
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RE: My horrible life

Keep talking with your psychologist, he sounds like a nice person. I had a few, some were good and some were bad. The good ones were those you could feel a real connection to.
10-02-2013 11:10 AM
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xcriteria Offline
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Post: #4
My horrible life

I'm interested in applying psychology to helping people solve problems and improve their lives, too. I dropped out of high school, then dropped out of college several times... because I've found that I wasn't learning very effectively in those programs. There are lots of tools to learn in other ways. The tough part can be connecting with people and forging a path outside of mainstream professions. It can be done... it just takes a different set of strategies.

I've posted a lot of walls of text around here... most of them full of videos and links. I'm in the process of adapting these into a course... one that's more interactive and conversation-based than usual. In the meantime, forum threads one one of many places to have learning conversations.

Check out my comment about ADHD and mood here for some related videos... I went to the psychiatrist yesterday

And...check out SoulRiser's post, Parody Skit of Clueless Psychiatrist Misdiagnosing Teen

And I just posted some videos on the recent thread The change of kids you might find interesting.

If any of those are helpful, let me know... I'm trying to figure out what's worth showing to more people.

If you want even more to read and watch, try this thread: Tomorrow -.-

Btw, what did your psychologist do or say that you found helpful? Are any of the people at your school open to doing things differently? (Maybe not likely, but some people find this to be the case.)

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10-02-2013 11:55 AM
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marktheshark Offline
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Post: #5
RE: My horrible life

(10-02-2013 08:51 AM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  I'd say if you really hate school that bad, I think it's time for one thing: drop out, and get home schooled. See what you and your family can do. It seems your mom is competent, so maybe she may be able to support you.

Erm...homeschooling is banned in Germany.

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10-02-2013 06:21 PM
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Gwedin Offline
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Post: #6
My horrible life

I usually don't even bother to read huge walls of text lke this, but for some reason this one stuck out.

(10-02-2013 08:20 AM)LargeFG777 Wrote:  Literally everyone around me... I know they are more cheerful than I am, I am just a lonely piece of fucking shit that again, no one wants to be together with. Every break, I am walking around the schoolyard like a lonely emo or something. And while I am not being bullied, I get annoyed by others insanely fast... people telling sex jokes, little respectless 5th graders who I desperately want to shove my foot up their chins... and bleed... What else? Schoolmates that pretends they are nice to me, but do not give a shit about my true feelings... can you follow me with that somehow...? A girlfriend? Pfft, I am so fucking certain that no one of those sluts wants to even come near to me...Noo
Story of my life. I'm the same really, except I don't walk around, I sit down and listen to music with my MP3 player. Try it. It really passes the time. Unless of course your school is bitchy about bringing gizmos, in which case you're screwed.

(10-02-2013 08:20 AM)LargeFG777 Wrote:  Right now, I am thinking of studying Psychology myself. And no, not the shitty way that schools think they can do better! Fuck this fucking shit, I will teach it MYSELF! Everything is possible when you really want to do it.

Yes! Perfect attitude. In my opinion, anyway. I had an interest in computers and studied that by myself -- as I wasn't learning enough/anything interesting in my school IT class. I find it a lot easier to learn on my own than in some cramped classroom with a bunch of loud idiots who end up holding the class back anyway. Plus, if you decide to go on to study psychology at university, you'll have a head start! That's always great, right? Biggrin
10-02-2013 06:51 PM
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UnschoolShqiponjë Offline
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Post: #7
RE: My horrible life

Homeschooling is banned in Germany. A remnant of the Nazi Regime ironically. Recently the German government kidnapped children from a family who dared to educate their kids themselves. It is funny (to me) to see Germany imitating Nazi behavior when they otherwise try to distance themselves so much.

Anyway, you might have to do what I had to do... stick it out. I now study Psychology in college and will use my degree to hopefully advance an actual school changing movement. Basically rebuilding it.

Live until you die
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10-03-2013 01:10 AM
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My horrible life

For many of you, school was 12 or more years of teachers and administrators deciding what was best for you, dictating exactly how you spent every minute of every day -- the result being that you absolutely hated each and every one of those minutes. But as you reached adulthood, you probably came to the realization that it was all for the best. You were just a stupid kid, after all, and your elders did things a certain way for a reason.

That reason being that they were full of shit. Science is just now taking a closer look at these centuries-old school practices, and they're finding out that ...

Read more >>> 5 Things It Turns Out You Were Right to Hate About School
10-03-2013 02:27 AM
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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RE: My horrible life

Wow... thanks for all those responses. But y'know, you can calm down about the homeschooling thing. Yes, I am aware this is banned in Gemrany. It is not my intention to get homeschooled, I still want to stay where I am and try to survive as best as I can... A reason for that is because I have a hard time trying to change myself in things like lifestyle or anything else because of fear, simply put fear.

I also suspect that I have ADHD. I did not really diagnose myself, but I suspect from my attitude that I have that.

There are two different types of ADHD as far as I know:

ADHD Type 1: Inattention without hyperactivity

Symptoms:

-Trouble paying attention
-Trouble following directions
-Trouble following through with tasks
-Shy or withdrawn behavior
-Easily distracted
-Seems disorganized or careless
-Slow to process information

Strengths:

-Creative
-Intelligent
-Problem solving
-Determined

Weaknesses:

-Difficulty dealing with change due to fear
-May have problems with punctuality
-Fear of expressing feelings
-Inability to relax due to society
-May seem depressed and lacking motivation


And then there is the second type

ADHD Type 2: Hyperactivity without Inattention

Symptoms:

-Trouble paying attention
-Restlessness
-Impulsive speech and actions
-Excessive talking
-Loud interactions with others
-Difficulty waiting turns
-Frequent interruptions
-Overactive
-May have a quick temper

Strengths:

-Energetic
-Eager to try new things
-Hardworking
-Perservant

Weaknesses:

-Difficulty connecting with others
-Frustration that can lead to irritability or anger
-Difficulty cooperating
-May have "learning" difficulties
-May seem depressed and lack motivation

There is also a third type of ADHD, that combines the symptoms of both ADHD types together.

I got this from an article on tumblr, take a look if ya want:
A closer look at ADHD

I can tell by looking at these that I could have the third ADHD type. And when I think about it... it all makes sense to me now.
I know this was pretty off topic for something like this, but I just wanted to leave it here. Maybe some of you guys can relate to these useful ADHD informations.

Ok nevermind, today I went home from school, and on my way home I walked with two of my classmates (both are girls) and I actually get along with them very well. They talked about how they panicked about the upcoming exams and stuff, and guess what I did? I talked to them and told them that there is no reason to really panic about something like this and convinced them on how fucking stupid this whole school thing is for us... in a very convincable way. They really supported me on everything I said, and took seriously what I told them.

Of course, I was not trying to be bossy or something, but I just wanted to make them feel a bit easier, and holy shit, it kinda worked.

And a little side note to the people who hate maths and people wondering why people hate maths: Maths is really not a bad thing, in fact if taught right and in an interesting way, people will love every single second of it.
I am sure people do not hate maths in general... they hate the way the schools try to teach us, without any helpful tips at all... simple as thatSadhug
(This post was last modified: 10-03-2013 03:30 AM by WhatEvenIsThis.)
10-03-2013 03:05 AM
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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RE: My horrible life

(10-02-2013 11:55 AM)xcriteria Wrote:  Btw, what did your psychologist do or say that you found helpful? Are any of the people at your school open to doing things differently? (Maybe not likely, but some people find this to be the case.)

Well, for pretty much everything I had a problem with, he easily convinced me that there are no reasons to fear such things. I could not get to really deep details, but everything was really helpful.
Ok, although, I can think of one thing that was as easy as flicking. I told him that I am sick of the bullshit that the media everyday spews and make me even more depressed, and he told me that I should really not believe everything that is on the TV. And I know this looks like something I can find out myself, but he really convinced me in the best way, and seeing how I am a massive pessimist anyway... It was very helpful.

He even told me how he lived when he was younger, and it was very helpful. Every now and then when I have the urge to talk to him, I can call on the phone and ask when I can come (Fridays are the best days for me for that).

And about the part with the people on my school. Yes, they seem to do things differently... oh wait, no. Actually most of the "badass gangsta boys" play football on our schoolyard, which does not sound bad at all... until they kick the ball always so hard, they have hit many people's heads with that, except for me of course. And mostly everyone just sits at a certain spot and just talks. And of ALL these people, I am literally the ONLY THING in my school, that is ALWAYS alone...and I mean it in he way that no one willingly comes to me. I sometimes go to some of my classmates.

Does this answer your questions?
10-03-2013 03:25 AM
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xcriteria Offline
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Post: #11
My horrible life

I've had the symptoms of inattentive ADHD at many points. I still do in various ways, but I know what I can work on where I'm focused and find things interesting.

Thanks to the Internet, much of the content you might find in whole university programs, in psychology and otherwise, is available to find and learn from. I'm interested in pulling some of that into better formats for people to learn from, without having to spend years disengaged and all that.

There's still the question of how to apply that knowledge. There's certainly lots of need out there.

Did you happen to check out the threads I linked to? Any feedback?

Maybe you could find out what your classmates are interested in, and introduce them to some of what you find in your searches through the web. This is one thing that's really transforming education... learners being able to make more of their own learning decisions (at least on their own time), and then sharing what they find in whatever format they want. In other words, the learner becomes a teacher.

You even demonstrated that with counseling your classmates. It's certainly not always going to be that easy, but it's an example of what's possible.

I think you have a lot of potential to transform your "horrible life" into something a lot more interesting and enjoyable. There are a lot of ways to connect with people, especially if you are interested in learning about them and sharing your own perspectives on things.

Here's a talk that gets at how much people are learning these days outside of school... from the author of an ebook called Why School? How Education Must Change When Learning and Information Are Everywhere.



Watch on YouTube

Question: do you find that inspirational at all? What does the pessimist side of you say about all that?

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10-03-2013 06:30 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #12
My horrible life

Quote:...I would rather go to the Ninth Pit of Hell if it existed, and I would LOVE IT.
Quote:I still want to stay where I am and try to survive as best as I can
I smell a contradiction. Smile

How many years do you still have left? Are there any other alternatives in Germany? Would a different school possibly be better?

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10-03-2013 08:53 AM
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no Offline
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RE: My horrible life

(10-03-2013 03:05 AM)Ferigeras Wrote:  ...
ADHD Type 2: Hyperactivity without Inattention

Symptoms:

-Trouble paying attention
...

Sure. Let's throw logical naming out the window.

Hello, traveler.

This is an ancient account I have not used in a long time. My views have changed much in the intervening months and years.

Nonetheless, I refuse to clean it up. Pretending that I've held my current views since the beginning of time is what we in the industry call a lie. Asking people to do so contributes to moralistic self-loathing. "See, those people have nothing damning! I do! I'm truly vile!"

Because you can never be a good person with a single blemish on the moral record, I thought that simply entertaining some thoughts made me irredeemable. Though I don't care for his writing style, William Faulkner presents a good counterexample. He went from being a typical Southern racist to supporting the civil rights movement. These days we'd yell at him for that, probably.

People are allowed to change their views.

Nevertheless, this period of my life has informed some of how I am today. In good ways and bad ways. To purge it would be to do a disservice to history. Perhaps it will not make anyone sympathetic, but it may help someone understand.

If, after reading all this, you still decide to use the post above as evidence that I am evil today, ask yourself if you have never disagreed with the moral code you now follow. In all likelihood you did, at some point. If some questions are verboten, and the answer is "how dare you ask that," don't expect your ideological opponents to ever change their minds.
10-03-2013 11:16 AM
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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RE: My horrible life

(10-03-2013 11:16 AM)planetfall666 Wrote:  Sure. Let's throw logical naming out the window.

Weird, yeah, but this is how I found it in that article I posted a link of. I do not know why... it was just like there, and I wanted to share it here
10-03-2013 06:22 PM
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WhatEvenIsThis Offline
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RE: My horrible life

(10-03-2013 08:53 AM)SoulRiser Wrote:  I smell a contradiction. Smile

How many years do you still have left? Are there any other alternatives in Germany? Would a different school possibly be better?

Ok yeah, this was pretty dumb of me, but when I started this thread, I have written it in anger and that resulted in me writing... this.
But I was a bit more calm when I wrote that reply.

I did not even notice it myself.

And about your question, I guess there could be alternatives, but I just have not seen them. All I can see in my country by far, is the direction "everyone" has to go... pah.
10-03-2013 06:25 PM
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