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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

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What's best for your child?
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LedoS Offline
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Post: #1
What's best for your child?

How can you, as a parent, decide what's best for your child?(I know that 101% of you aren't parents(me included), but I just want some opinions and thoughts on this matter)
Home schooling, or letting them go to public school( and become a zombie?)?
Should you teach them your ideology or let them fend for themselves and adopt their own ideology/opinion about things?
Should you let them drink if they want or should you keep pressing your own opinion that underage individuals shouldn't drink?
What about being a hypocrite and smoking cannabis yet keeping your child from smoking?

This and another 100 question that I ask myself when I think that if I ever will be a father, what will be my answer to those questions?
Of course society got it's own "norms" and "rules" that perhaps majority is following, but when norms aren't an option, how do you, as a parent, decide what's best, what to let kid do and what not? What to tell and what to let them decide for themselves?

This is why I don't want to be a parent, being responsible for somebody else and then see them fuck up their life just because you did it wrong(or so you think?), and if you don't want them to go wrong path, then what, you have to be like a dictator?
Huh
(This post was last modified: 06-17-2013 08:48 AM by LedoS.)
06-17-2013 08:48 AM
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Night Offline
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Post: #2
RE: What's best for your child?

I think you have to be able to find the happy medium between friend and parent. They should be able to trust you enough to talk to you and not feel judged, but they also have to be respect you enough to follow the rules you have.

I'd honestly send my child to public school. ideally I'd be the type of mother who sits down with her children everyday to help with their homework. It's a good time for them to lay out their issues with the work and to help them learn it. And also a good time to hear what they're going through in school, do they like their teachers, are they being picked on etc etc. It would be a time where mom (me) helps teach what the teacher failed to.

I think parent inadvertently teach their children their own ideologies in the way that they raise them. But I'd let them find themselves. I'm not gonna be that bitch mom that forces their children to be a mini version of them.

I myself don't drink. Course by the time I'm a mother I might. But currently I would definitely prefer my children DON'T drink. Though I know it's probably going to happen that they drink. But when it comes to drugs I usually go by.. I can't remember the phrase for it. But basically i believe giving knowledge on drugs is better than saying "don't do drugs." Like instead of "don't do meth" I'd say "meth is highly addicting and it makes your teeth fall out, you don't want your teeth to fall out right?" but when it comes to things that are actually not all that bad like acid, I would tell my child "be careful, most acid sold on the streets isn't acid, and you could have a bad trip, make sure you're with good people who won't fuck with you if you ever try it. In fact, you can try it with me, I'll be your sitter." But also I'm not gonna give my 12 year old a beer. I MIGHT give my 15 year old a beer or some wine.

When it comes to weed I'll try to keep the fact that I smoke away from my children as long as possible. But once I figure out my kid smokes I'm gonna call them up to my room take a hit from my bowl and pass it to them. When your parent(s) smoke with you for the first time it's pretty weird. I smoked with my mom for the first time last night.

I'm a girl ffffeck
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06-17-2013 10:23 AM
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Miab419 Offline
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Post: #3
RE: What's best for your child?

I've personally try and keep my parents out of my life (which I sometimes regret in a bittersweet manner). Granted, I've never really been fond of drugs, alcohol, parties, or crazy sex, I still feel I should have my own space. Always felt this way. I watched a video where a guy was ranting on how parents turn "boring" after they have children; a person may go from a radical, skater punk anarchist to a 'typical' father and how somehow it seems most adults do this. I may sound short sighted here, but I feel there's some truth to this: every person, every family is going to have somewhat different morals and values that stray from the norm and that's okay. Sometimes it really can be the things that have turned us ugly can teach our children valuable lessons, and personally, I feel inclined to say that I would allow my children to experience certain things. However, I realize that I'm coming from an attempt at logic and emotions may screw my judgement up on this matter in the future.
I don't know, sometimes I even feel inclined to say that some parents weren't meant to have children... Yeah, weird response, sorry bout that...
06-17-2013 05:07 PM
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LedoS Offline
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Post: #4
RE: What's best for your child?

(06-17-2013 05:07 PM)Miab419 Wrote:  I realize that I'm coming from an attempt at logic and emotions may screw my judgement up on this matter in the future.
I don't know, sometimes I even feel inclined to say that some parents weren't meant to have children... Yeah, weird response, sorry bout that...

I agree with you and don't worry, it's good response, I appreciated.

Also big thanks to Night for her long response.

That hiding/keeping away the fact that you smoke and then "once I figure out my kid smokes I'm gonna call them up to my room take a hit from my bowl" is actually an interesting idea.
And I agree with most of your opinions except public school, I'd prefer to unschool them perhaps, but then again it's a real hassle(or not, if they actually like to learn(not ruined by school yet)) and idk, time consuming(ha, children and time consuming? no shit, sherlock), but I think I should let them consider this themselves if they like it in school or not.

Damn, easier to not have children. Biggrin
06-17-2013 11:29 PM
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Miab419 Offline
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Post: #5
RE: What's best for your child?

Ultimately if a parent really cares for a child, should they be given the full authority to decide their lives until the child shows responsibility, or should the child have some say about their lives even at a lack of responsibility?
06-18-2013 04:35 AM
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LedoS Offline
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Post: #6
What's best for your child?

I think if child has say, then it teaches responsibility better than no say.
06-18-2013 07:29 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #7
What's best for your child?

I agree that some people (maybe quite a few people even) definitely shouldn't have kids.

Generally what's best will vary from person to person and situation to situation, so "what's best for your child?" - well I think what's best is to have parents who understand their kids really well and can actually figure out what's most likely to be best in each situation. No pressure. lol.

But even so, parents are bound to be wrong about some things, so they shouldn't insist they're right all the time (because that's impossible). Humility is very useful too.

And mutual respect as well, if the kids and parents both respect each other, then they can probably discuss disagreements like civilized people and sort something out.

So I guess basically lots of emotional intelligence is what's best.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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06-19-2013 12:41 AM
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Potato Offline
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Post: #8
What's best for your child?

to place another person into a relationship (which neither side can easily walk out of, and demand one-sided-obedience instead of "mutual respect" because the child depend on the parents for everything) without giving that person a choice is shitty no matter which way you look at it. people need to think it through before having kids, it creates a huge financial burden, the near inseverable nature of the relationship will make conflicts very hard to resolve, its just a waste of time, energy, and money. stop having kids, and none of these problems you're worrying about would exist. kids are for idiots
06-19-2013 02:31 PM
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Miab419 Offline
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Post: #9
RE: What's best for your child?

Not only that, but (and I may sound fucked up for saying this) some people just are not meant to have children. I feel like some people were abused and taught to follow all the wrong things in society and and it reflects on their children. Of course it should be their right but it seems questionable in certain cases where kids grow up not knowing right from wrong.

I apologize ahead of time for any taken offense and realize I am not the most perfect person in the world, it's one of the reasons I am pretty terrified of having children.
06-19-2013 02:52 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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RE: What's best for your child?

(06-19-2013 02:31 PM)Potato Wrote:  to place another person into a relationship (which neither side can easily walk out of, and demand one-sided-obedience instead of "mutual respect" because the child depend on the parents for everything) without giving that person a choice is shitty no matter which way you look at it. people need to think it through before having kids, it creates a huge financial burden, the near inseverable nature of the relationship will make conflicts very hard to resolve, its just a waste of time, energy, and money. stop having kids, and none of these problems you're worrying about would exist. kids are for idiots

Yeah, totally. I mean, who needs the human race to continue existing at all anyway?

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
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06-20-2013 05:52 AM
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LedoS Offline
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RE: What's best for your child?

(06-20-2013 05:52 AM)SoulRiser Wrote:  Yeah, totally. I mean, who needs the human race to continue existing at all anyway?

Hahahaha... Fucking great, didn't expect that from YOU, Soul.. Biggrin

I disagree with statement that kids are for idiots, but I do agree that parents need to think through for what is best for their child as an individual while growing up, not as a "child" or gene spreader, whatever.(get it?) Give your child some respect and let them fend for themselves, they either do stupid shit and die or they grow strong.(Maybe I'm just saying this because I wish that's what I got, I actually did get this treatment, but not 100%)
(This post was last modified: 06-20-2013 06:36 AM by LedoS.)
06-20-2013 06:33 AM
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Potato Offline
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Post: #12
What's best for your child?

Quote:Yeah, totally. I mean, who needs the human race to continue existing at all anyway?
well? who??!

Quote:I disagree with statement that kids are for idiots
name a few good reasons to have kids that apply to you, what have you got?
06-20-2013 10:05 AM
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Night Offline
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Post: #13
RE: What's best for your child?

I probably fall into the category of people who shouldn't have children. I do want children eventually. Maybe. But at this point in my life i couldn't handle it. My niece proved that too me. I'm terribly afraid to hold a baby. Of course I'm terribly afraid of ANYONE to hold a baby, so I'd be that paranoid mother like "yeah sure you can hold him/her" (internal screaming). Course I'm insanely paranoid about anyone holding ANYTHING. I can't even see someone holding a glass of water without freaking out.

They scream, and cry. And pick things up and put them in their mouth that they're not supposed to. And they're surprisingly fast. And you really just want to sit down and do nothing but they're running all over the place doing things they're not supposed to do. And they know it too.

I have too many babies in my life. I don't need one of my own just yet. I mean seriously, my niece, my cousin was just born on Christmas eve. And I have so many friends with a kid already.

I'm a girl ffffeck
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06-20-2013 10:24 AM
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no Offline
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Post: #14
RE: What's best for your child?

(06-20-2013 05:52 AM)SoulRiser Wrote:  Yeah, totally. I mean, who needs the human race to continue existing at all anyway?

The human race.

Maybe.

Hello, traveler.

This is an ancient account I have not used in a long time. My views have changed much in the intervening months and years.

Nonetheless, I refuse to clean it up. Pretending that I've held my current views since the beginning of time is what we in the industry call a lie. Asking people to do so contributes to moralistic self-loathing. "See, those people have nothing damning! I do! I'm truly vile!"

Because you can never be a good person with a single blemish on the moral record, I thought that simply entertaining some thoughts made me irredeemable. Though I don't care for his writing style, William Faulkner presents a good counterexample. He went from being a typical Southern racist to supporting the civil rights movement. These days we'd yell at him for that, probably.

People are allowed to change their views.

Nevertheless, this period of my life has informed some of how I am today. In good ways and bad ways. To purge it would be to do a disservice to history. Perhaps it will not make anyone sympathetic, but it may help someone understand.

If, after reading all this, you still decide to use the post above as evidence that I am evil today, ask yourself if you have never disagreed with the moral code you now follow. In all likelihood you did, at some point. If some questions are verboten, and the answer is "how dare you ask that," don't expect your ideological opponents to ever change their minds.
06-21-2013 07:40 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #15
What's best for your child?

You don't expect me to field an army of chimp minions, do you?

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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06-21-2013 02:56 PM
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Lime Offline
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Post: #16
RE: What's best for your child?

(06-20-2013 10:24 AM)Night Wrote:  They scream, and cry. And pick things up and put them in their mouth that they're not supposed to. And they're surprisingly fast. And you really just want to sit down and do nothing but they're running all over the place doing things they're not supposed to do. And they know it too.

I have too many babies in my life. I don't need one of my own just yet. I mean seriously, my niece, my cousin was just born on Christmas eve. And I have so many friends with a kid already.
If you want a child later on, you could adopt one. Not only do you get to skip the painful baby phase, you're also rescuing a human being from orphanage while not contributing to overpopulation.
06-22-2013 07:42 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #17
What's best for your child?

I'd adopt kids from orphanages to serve as my loyal minions. Mwahaha

Course it'd be difficult to explain why I want to adopt the entire orphan population to those who refuse to see it my way...

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(06-14-2013 08:02 AM)Potato Wrote:  watch the fuq out, we've got an "intellectual" over here.

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06-22-2013 02:52 PM
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Ahab Offline
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Post: #18
What's best for your child?

I'm going to beat my children until they are able to read Ancient Greek and Latin. If they cannot in thorough detail relate the structure of Plato's Republic by the age of 7, they're failures, I'll leave them at the fire station on a goof and burn all their toys. They will be forced to practice piano 6 hours a day, because fuck you, I'm Tiger Mom----


errrr...I'd let my hypothetical children unschool and prefer it to remain so, but I wouldn't try to impose if one of them wanted to go to a public school to try it out. But I don't know if my hypothetical Baby Mamma will agree.

"If you think you know what the hell is going on, you're probably full of shit." - Robert Anton Wilson
06-25-2013 07:45 PM
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