Caring - What Helps You Feel Cared About?

[stevehein]

I's like to know what helps people feel cared about...

by their teahers, by their friends, by their parents, by their boyfriend/gf etc

[Desu]

Everyone has goals. Everyone is at point A, and they want to reach point B. When a person tries to reach point B, but everyone starts getting in the way, they don't feel cared about. These can be simple goals to meet basic physical needs, social needs, or something deeper like self-actualization.

It's often more complex than that in reality since the great majority of things are not black and white, but in a nutshell, I think that's how it works.

That's what support is about really. An easy example is an sports game. People show their support of a player or a team by cheering for them, just showing up and watching, asking for an autograph, buying their merchandise. The player or team feels like people support them. This is an easy example because it's fairly black and white when it comes to a sports game.

In the real world, it can be harder. One factor is how an individual views support versus opposition. Desu may feel that X is supportive, whereas Steve may feel that X is not supportive. It's all about being empathic to an individual. This requires listening to them, then adapting. Although you can often make generalizations that usually work, not always.

Humans are complex. A lot of parents raise their kids, or enter intimate relationships, or fight with their parents, or interact with students etc. based on preconceived notions and stereotypes. This will work most of the time, but then you have that minority that feels obstructed, cheated, abused, misunderstood and so on.

I feel like many of our social problems are caused by simple miscommunication. This can be solved with an open mind and just listening. Both parties need to do this though, not just one side.

[Chanku]

A few things helps me feel cared about which are:
Being hugged
Being listened to
Being comforted when I'm upset.
Things like this helps me feel cared about.

[brainiac3397]

What helps me feel cared is me caring for myself. After that, everything is inconsequentially secondary.

[Dead]

Teachers- when they're willing to give me extra help, when they're patient with me. When they help me with my work. When they don't call my mom or send me to guidance every time I get a mood swing.

Friends- when they respect that my own business is my own business. When they listen to me. When they want to hang out. When they back me up on stuff.

Parents- when they don't get involved in my business.

Girlfriend- I just had to deal with FUCKING DRAMA related to this so I'm not even gonna say anything.

[xcriteria]

(06-04-2013 05:05 AM)Dead Wrote:  Friends- when they respect that my own business is my own business. When they listen to me. When they want to hang out. When they back me up on stuff.

Parents- when they don't get involved in my business.

This gives rise to a complex question. When does "caring" become intrusion, control, violation of privacy, digging deeper than a person is comfortable with?

If caring means leaving your alone... where does that turn into neglect? Sometimes people can benefit from help that they may not be open to in the first place. But that's a slippery slope that could lead to counterproductive manipulation and control. The result, for a thoughtful person, is the experience of dilemmas and various kinds of inner conflict.

And externally, when a person is over-controlling or less-than-caring, the result can be resentment on the part of the beneficiary -- or victim -- of this "help."

That leads into the realm of looking at things from different angles, and with different lenses, and Desu's comments.

[xcriteria]

(06-04-2013 01:25 AM)Desu Wrote:  In the real world, it can be harder. One factor is how an individual views support versus opposition. Desu may feel that X is supportive, whereas Steve may feel that X is not supportive. It's all about being empathic to an individual. This requires listening to them, then adapting. Although you can often make generalizations that usually work, not always.

Humans are complex. A lot of parents raise their kids, or enter intimate relationships, or fight with their parents, or interact with students etc. based on preconceived notions and stereotypes. This will work most of the time, but then you have that minority that feels obstructed, cheated, abused, misunderstood and so on.

Exactly. This is why it can be helpful to begin to learn, and help nudge people toward learning, about how to understand the complexity and depth of other people. Even those who you don't like, or who cause you problems.

Modeling that approach of seeking to understand can, in turn, help give others a reference for better understanding you.

I wrote a wall of text about this issue in response to this question, from Justin Schwamm on one of his posts:

Does factory-thinking lead automatically to thoughtlessness? When you see people as data and statistics, as examples of a demographic group rather than individuals, does that viewpoint, over time, lead inexorably to mistreatment of them?

Part of my response, on thinking about individuals vs. populations:

Hidden stuff:

That question of whole populations is worth thinking about when it comes to caring, as well as individuals. Whether it's a classroom, a family, a whole country, or a small set of people, there's a lot to consider when you think of all of them as complex individuals acting within a long span of life.

(06-04-2013 01:25 AM)Desu Wrote:  I feel like many of our social problems are caused by simple miscommunication. This can be solved with an open mind and just listening. Both parties need to do this though, not just one side.

It can also help to understand some of the patterns of miscommunication that re common, in order to help spot them. The long list of subtropes of Poor Communication Kills is a good starting point.

Listening is certainly important. That gives rise to the question of how to listen. Sometimes, really listening requires asking questions. Sometimes people aren't able or willing to communicate in a way that makes listening possible.

This leads to a potential conflict with the "stay out of my business" preference that Dead referenced. It's one thing to listen in the sense of being supportive and letting someone have a chance to talk, but really listening in the sense of understanding sometimes gives rise to questions about how to respond, or who to open up to.

This conversation between TED speaker Brene Brown and Oprah (5m) hits on that problem. They're talking in terms of sharing stories involving shame, but the ideas apply to all kinds of sensitive topics and just opening up to people in general.

6 Types of People Who Do Not Deserve to Hear Your Shame Story:

Hidden stuff:

Watch on YouTube

All of that leads pretty quickly into the question of trust. How do people establish trust, and come to know what to expect from each other? Sometimes those stereotypes and mental filters actually set up expectations that may not be accurate.

But that's what learning is all about. And it's one thing that sharing, as well as listening, can help with.