Steve Hein's Thread

[stevehein]

some notes

modeling - adults

my beliefs

mu needs

respect - control

i didnt feel controlled by her. didnt feel resentful didnt feel pain from being controlled - didnt judge her as a hypoctrite

i felt bad cuz i did something which caused her some pain. something she didnt approve of. i do want her approval. but it isnt a primary need.

when i think about my unmet needs that cause me pain i dont ever think "i need more approval"

but i do say things like - i need more support, more understanding - i need to feel valued. cared about

i dont say i need to feel respected

i do sometimes say i need to feel more in control

chatting with pepole is diffrent than posting in forums.

i felt 'disarmed' byt gwedin last night

he didnt start out attacking me - judging me- trying to get pepole to hate me -- ie to undermine me

i feel respected by him 6 lets say

i feel respect for him --- the same. maybe even 8

i respect him cuz he seems to be pretty honest

i like honesty

he is not what would call emotionally literate 0r a skilled listener -- i would not want him working on a suicide prev phone line - but maybe in one to one he'd be ok

he left a decent to good message on d101's post about feeling down

i expected some abuse - but didnt see any

so i feel open to talk to him again - i see him more as a human - less of an enemy

rosenberg said get rid of our enemy images

pple here dont know rosenberg

but they will if they stay here cuz i will be talking about him

im ok with 95 percent of the people leaving the forum

i dont know if sr is.

she can tell me

i am ok with one by one temporarily banning pple and talking to them one on one in chatzy - it worked well last night

a couple things bothered me

first pple joined who were not invit4d

my idea was for it to be d g and me

then this mystery person starts judging me

then someone takes over d's name and starts psychoanalyzing/judging me

im very curious who that wws

llike most pple ho study psychology they were afraid to use their real name

or even their screen name

i have less and less respect for that so called profession all the time

they are worse than preachers we might say

more people believe in a university ditle saying psychologist than believe in god i think

i cant read the screen well so there are lots of typos

judge me on them and see what happens haha

so if soul agrees i will set a new level here - a new standard

a. it is not ok to judge/attack. label, criticize, invalidate other forum members.

debating is not encouraged.

understanding is

---

i dont believe in freedom of speech

i dont believe in "rights"

d uses the word. he is domesticated too much

he will have a chance to read my writing about it

which reminds me - who took over his name and how did that happen?

i believe in mutual respect --

i believe in emotional support

i believe in talking about feelings and needs - especially emotional needs

if pple dont want to talk about their emotional needs and feelings or mine - they wont last long here.

pple can call it an old boys club or whatever they want. that wont earn my respect

if they tell me how they feel and even better what their need is, that will earn my respect

if they show they care about about teens - that will earn my respect

so there u go -- psychoanalyze that -

*feels resentful

haha

read my page on resentment --- if uwant
from now on - at least this is what i want to say now - it can change cuz of my time demands - needs etc.....

from now on this is going to start to look like a new place.

the language will seem strange and it will be

it will seem like a foreign language - and it will be

but i believe - really believe - it is a healthier way of communicating

i go with my beliefs so yeah there u go


i go with my beliefs, my feelings, my needs.

that is the bottom line for now - we could say

--
but wait kids there is more

if u want to talk about ur beliefs. fine. lets compare them.

that doesnt mean attacking mine.

or someone else's - it means stating the clearly - answering questions diretly

which brings me to my time

i value ,my time. i value soulrisers time

if u dont value our time u are in the wrong place.

if u dont feel respect for us - u are in the wrong place

let's be real clear - real direct

--

your feelings sr?

yours tA?
yours d
yours ben?
yours dove?
yours sunflower?


these are - for now the people who i can think of off the top of y head that i care about and value the most here -- and night but she doesnt say much these days

hug to night

i love night -- does anyone have a problem with that? haha

[the Analogist]

when Hans posted about the "basement" it wasnt long after i discovered the "underground", and not long after I discovered the underground there was that thread about banning Korravatar.

that Hans' post gave me a good chance to see how the logic of aristocracy prevails here was why I implied he was kind of ruining the forums.

aristocracy: layers of management by mostly autocratic chronies. quiet judging and non-inclusion. discussions about non-aristocrats to see who is worthy. i.e. HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT HOW I AM BEING JUDGED ON SCHOOL SURVIVAL.

my views on inclusion and exclusion do not sound like yours.

I enjoyed the like minded company here, but if my mind is too unlike I can just retreat back into my former obscurity.

stevehein, your making me feel like im hanging out with my friends in the basement, but now my judgy mother in law has shown up for some reason, and she's sitting there with us. now certain conversation topics are off limits and we cant be real anymore.

[stevehein]

(06-24-2017 06:44 PM)the Analogist Wrote:  when Hans posted about the "basement" it wasnt long after i discovered the "underground", and not long after I discovered the underground there was that thread about banning Korravatar.

that Hans' post gave me a good chance to see how the logic of aristocracy prevails here was why I implied he was kind of ruining the forums.

aristocracy: layers of management by mostly autocratic chronies. quiet judging and non-inclusion. discussions about non-aristocrats to see who is worthy. i.e. HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT HOW I AM BEING JUDGED ON SCHOOL SURVIVAL.

my views on inclusion and exclusion do not sound like yours.

I enjoyed the like minded company here, but if my mind is too unlike I can just retreat back into my former obscurity.

stevehein, your making me feel like im hanging out with my friends in the basement, but now my judgy mother in law has shown up for some reason, and she's sitting there with us. now certain conversation topics are off limits and we cant be real anymore.

ok

id be interested to see some examples of what you mean by topics off limits and cant be real anymore

[stevehein]

As you may know I briefly banned G because of an incorrect assumption I made about him deleting one of my posts.

But it wasn't only because of that. Just like suicide is never just for one specific reason. Both are like the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't feel very understood for why there were already a lot straws on my back with regard to g.

So I propose that he, D101, Ben and also Dove and tA and Sunflower chat about this. Only us for now unless someone suggests someone else and gets my ok.

How do people feel about this idea?

btw I want to leave SR out of this unless she really wants to be involved. I would like to give her a much needed break from the drama here - and the stress and pain she feels when coming into the forum these days. Also I would like her to trust me to try to handle this myself. I have proposed something like this to her already and I am awaiting her reply.

[stevehein]

i just got a msg from sr.... it made my eyes water

i feel love for her...

hug to her

[stevehein]

just got this...


> Hi Steve.
>
> I just stumbled upon your website again and it made me remember the many conversations I had with you as a teenager. I can honestly say I don't think I would be alive if I didn't find you website when I was a broke 12 year old. I would have had no other way to cope and you gave me a group of supportive teens as well as yourself who was always so willing to stay up sometimes all night talking me off a ledge or getting me to put the bottle of pills away. I want to say thank you. I will be turning 25 this year and it's crazy to me to think back at the awful situation I was in and how I literally had no way to escape from my parental prison as a 12 year old. You were always on my side and I smile thinking back to our sometimes 7 or 8 hour msn conversations or the times we would Skype and I would get to hear your supportive voice telling me to hold on. I'll be 18 soon.
>
> Thank you Steve. Thank you for helping me stay alive. Thank you for helping me fight.
>

[James Comey]

Why the fuck was a thread celebrating pedophilia reopened?

Seriously, Hugboxist People's Republic of School Survival. No wonder this place gets no traffic.

[stevehein]

(06-25-2017 01:51 PM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  Why the fuck was a thread celebrating pedophilia reopened?

Seriously, Hugboxist People's Republic of School Survival. No wonder this place gets no traffic.

sounds like u dont understand why i re-opened that thread.

would u like to try to understand?

and can u help me understand why u call the forum the hugboxist....?

do u have something against hugs?

and are u saying u would like to see more people coming to the forum?

[stevehein]

(06-25-2017 01:40 PM)stevehein Wrote:  just got this...


> Hi Steve.
>
> I just stumbled upon your website again and it made me remember the many conversations I had with you as a teenager. I can honestly say I don't think I would be alive if I didn't find you website when I was a broke 12 year old. I would have had no other way to cope and you gave me a group of supportive teens as well as yourself who was always so willing to stay up sometimes all night talking me off a ledge or getting me to put the bottle of pills away. I want to say thank you. I will be turning 25 this year and it's crazy to me to think back at the awful situation I was in and how I literally had no way to escape from my parental prison as a 12 year old. You were always on my side and I smile thinking back to our sometimes 7 or 8 hour msn conversations or the times we would Skype and I would get to hear your supportive voice telling me to hold on. I'll be 18 soon.
>
> Thank you Steve. Thank you for helping me stay alive. Thank you for helping me fight.
>

update
next email...
part of it
all i could do was say god damnit and fuck and mother fuck etc. it was so painful to read this...


I am married and have been for Just over a year now. The sad thing is that I don't feel loved by him. Him and I rarely have sex. I have to beg him sometimes to just hold me. It seems I've gone from loveless teen years to loveless adult life. Just writing this is making me cry. It's a sad and lonely to me that the person who I sleep beside every night can't love me the way I want.

I have found myself the past few months spiraling deeper and deeper into the sadness I used to have and funny enough I guess it made me think of you. You were always a comfort to me. You didn't even really need to say much and you'd make me feel comforted and important.

---

started crying again.... thought of throwing my laptop against the wall.
quitting my job

my job....

my. job.

as night likes to wrie

i .... love night.....

i love crystal

i have loved a lot of pple

a girl named ocean said this to me once...

once i love someone i never really stop loving them

---

switch to lucia

21 year old here in uruguay....

i was crying over her today

i think i might actually see her again. just met her once.

never met crystal - miss understanding

now mrs loveless

how goddamn sad is that?

the only thing i can think of that would make it sadder is if they had a kid....
or she killed herself

god damn fuck this fucking fucked up mother fucking dysfunctional fucking fucked up system

[Depression101]

Hey, Steve, what's you job, my friend?

[James Comey]

(06-25-2017 02:03 PM)stevehein Wrote:  

(06-25-2017 01:51 PM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  Why the fuck was a thread celebrating pedophilia reopened?

Seriously, Hugboxist People's Republic of School Survival. No wonder this place gets no traffic.

sounds like u dont understand why i re-opened that thread.

would u like to try to understand?

and can u help me understand why u call the forum the hugboxist....?

do u have something against hugs?

and are u saying u would like to see more people coming to the forum?

Korravatar's statements were bordering on pedophilia, believing that somehow children couldn't be manipulated, etc.

I'm all for lowering the age of consent to a reasonable age (15-16), but that thread was ridiculous.

[stevehein]

Do you believe in punishing people, Hans?

In other words, do you believe in punishment in general?

I ask because the idea of a law is connected to the idea of punishing those who break the law and also using the fear of punishment to prevent unhealthy tor unwanted hings.

So we would need to have a discussion about punishment and also about what would a community to do prevent abuse of children without a law and fear of punishment.

And do you believe there are other ways to prevent abuse of children?

---

Do you believe in punishing people, Hans?

In other words, do you believe in punishment in general?

I ask because the idea of a law is connected to the idea of punishing those who break the law and also using the fear of punishment to prevent unhealthy tor unwanted hings.

So we would need to have a discussion about punishment and also about what would a community to do prevent abuse of children without a law and fear of punishment.

And do you believe there are other ways to prevent abuse of children?

[James Comey]

If a user is being a nuisance, yes I believe they should be punished.

We have these kinds of rules/laws in the real world for a reason. In the end people can't really be relied on, as they only act in their own self interest most of the time. Sad, but true.

[stevehein]

(06-25-2017 04:30 PM)Hansgrohe Wrote:  If a user is being a nuisance, yes I believe they should be punished.

We have these kinds of rules/laws in the real world for a reason. In the end people can't really be relied on, as they only act in their own self interest most of the time. Sad, but true.

ok thanks for your reply.


for the record i no longer believe in punishment

i believe in the protective use of force/power but not laws, punishment etc

and one day when pple get done judging me and attacking me i will be happy to explain things to anyone who actually wants to understand why i have been doing what i have been doing.

people are misrepresenting me, underestimating me, discrediting me.

im pretty satisfied with my actions given how people have responded to them.

i feel pretty "justified" now - tho i dont love that word

i trust this site will not die. it will change. and from the start of me wanting to make this a more caring place sr has been supporting me.

i am not 100 percent sure sr will support all my decisions and actions. but im going with what i know of her based on a lot of talks with her over the years.

people act like i have just show up one day. and taken over
not true

this has been a gradual process.

i have been on the forum for a long time

check it out

my actions are consistent with my beliefs - or so i think at this point

i feel calm about my decisions and actions.

i took all of these steps for what i consider "valid" reasons.

what is kind of interesting is that one of the youngest people here ben, at age 12, seems to be one of the most emotionally healthy and wise.

this fits with my believe that younger children and teens are more mentally healthy than older ones and adults

i have learned a new way of communicating rather than labeling people, judging them, abusing them etc.

my ideas work on the most sensitive, least aggressive and most intelligent teens.

so if they work on that group, then they will work on future members to this forum

this forum will not die. it is changing. evolving.

people have not really given me a fair chance to explain myself.

i have been sitting back reading all of the posts.

i have to say i do find some amusing

for example criticizing me for my spelling mistakes

that is especially ironic because spelling mistakes were one of the reasons i started helping my first depressed teenager. -- before many of you were born or in primary school.

she was depressed and seeking help online. and instead of helping her, guess what people were doing?

they were criticizing her for her spelling mistakes

i instantly knew "that's fucked up"
and i reached out to her.

we kept in touch for years. she introduced me to the world of self harm, cutting, teen depression

i had already been trained as a suicide prevention phone counselor. so i had some basic training

but i learned on the job

from talking to hundreds of suicidal teens

and today or rather yesterday cuz it is now nearly six thiirty am and i have been up al night-- two people told me i saved their lives

u can attack, judge, criticize, blame, mock, invalidate me etc all u want.

it is not bothering me much at all.

sorry to say that but its just not.

i know i am good at what i do.

i know sr values my experience, my feelings and opinions

im sorry some of u dont

but i am confident as time goes on this forum will evolve into a more caring place

it might have fewer members but it will have a higher level of supoort. less tolerance of judging other forum members will be new standard.

at least this is my vision in soul's brief vacation. she could disagree but if she does she wont judge me and attack me and say why the fuck did u do so and so. she will want to understand. and i will respect her decisions and feelings. unlike what hands did i must add.

hans u dug your own grave. if u want to see how u did it i and sr will explain in detail

we will take the time. i value your mind hans. but u are a product of a fucked up sick society and u have learned self destructive ways of communicating and expressing your feelings and emotional pain.

i have been quietly modeling a different way to communicte. ben and i have been it

ben is extremely smat - not that u other guys arent but he has been exposed to less toxins simply because he is still young. he is a fast learner.

we have, i believe, established a good conection. you guys -- some of you were ripping him apart in the discord as i understand it.

that wont be allowed here.

if soul agrees those days are over here.


this is going to be a safe place.

you all free to stay and live in the new environment or leave.

i will say in fact many of you have been digging your own graves. you all want to blame me and sr.

that is not getting you anywhere and u havent realized it

i feel a bit sad to see the slander and misrepresentations going on but i will let them stay up so they are al part of the record.

and about dove. and her post on the age of consent laws.

ben is 12 and he believes she should be allowed to at the very least discuss things. but some of you age demonizing her.

maybe i am as blind as u think but i am just not seeing her as this terrible person that u accuse her of being

and those of you who are judging me are just showing how little you know me.

in my opinion this group of steve and soul haters is making ss look bad. it is not sr and sh making ss look bad to prospective new members

time will tell of course what happens

somone said dove impresonated xciteria - a well respected member -- as if i didnt know who he was.

but xc would never do what u guys are doing

so i suggest you rethink your actions.

but personally, as i said i feel pretty calm. i suspected this would be a bit messy.

yet as i see it, it had to be done one way or the other.

im gonna tell u all something. im not too sure soul will like me saying this but i will take that chance

she said she was starting to dread coming on here.
dread

that was her exact word

and this is her god damn forum.

so please shut the fuck up already as so many of u like to say.

she also said she something like "at least they could stop making it painful for me to come on the forum"

i have so far seen about zero empathy for soulriser

and empathy is something which is important to me and something i believe we need more of in the world

a lot of you who are on this crusade now to discredit and blame me seem to have a huge lack of empathy. but i dont really blame u. u are all victimes of a sick culture

the education system is just one part of the sickness

the legal/justice/punishment system is another part

like the belief "we need laws!" and we need to punish people to make the world a better place

well to me that is like bombing for peace and fucking for virginity.

i personally dont believe punishing people for having sex with kids is a great way to prevent it.


on that topic im not too sure yet what dove really believes but i admire her for taking a controversial position and i really dont recall her judging others for their opposing positions. maybe i have rose colored classes on or whatever so i might go back to see if she has judged others.


i have read a lot of posts and i dont recall case of her going into someone else's post and attacking/judging/labeling them - as for example gwedin did so often

and someone said something like i am banning people simply because i dont like them. um no, sorry but i have a lot of reasons for banning him

which one of you has shown any true desire or intent to understand?

please point me to the post becase maybe i missed it

and some people. like d101 are now trying to psychoanalyze me and my motives.
im sorry but that is something else i do find amusing

i feel sad d has changed his opinion of me and my work so drastically. not long ago he thanked me for helping him and showing him my website.

i feel sad but accepting.

anyhow i need some sleep.

[Night]

For fucks sake. Soul made a massive fucking mistake putting you in charge.

How the FUCK was I abusing my mod powers so fucking badly that it warranted them being taken away?

How are you NOT abusing your powers!? Seriously on what fucking planet was I abusing mine and you're not abusing yours?

I banned a user for 5 fucking days not even a entire week because I don't think defending pedophilia is something this place should be supporting. Like you talk about empathy but where's the empathy for the teens who come here as victims of sexual abuse? hm?? You think saying things like "What's wrong with was pedophiles do" is fucking OK!?

Let me fucking repeat that for the people in the back; do you fucking think saying shit like '"What's wrong with what pedophiles do?" is ok!?

Fucking tell me how that's something we should just let run amok on the forums, what fucking logic are you following? Answer me seriously because you never fucking answered me last night. Doesn't exactly give one the impression you're listening and I thought that was your whole thing.

Not to mention it doesn't exactly look good for you, a grown man, to side with pedo enablers on a site full of people under the age of 18. Just sayin!

Remember all I did was give a user the internet equivalent of a fucking timeout and closed the thread, and you took away my mod powers. You have permabanned two users essentially because you just don't like them, two users that could've been given a warning, or *gasp* a 5 day time out! Not a fucking permaban, that's never really been what this forum is about except for truly abusive people. And personally I find pedophilia a bit more abusive than the banter Gwedin and Ury engage in. But no, she's not a problem at all, all because you DO like her. You're fucking overflowing with conflict of interest and special treatment.

You don't deserve this position. I've been here a long time and never seen such a disgusting abuse of their position. Get over yourfuckingself.


If we're going to become a forum that supports the raping and traumatization of young children, well you can say goodbye to most of the current active members. You may as well be pedophiles yourself.

[Deleted]

As a mod, banning someone for their political opinion is inevitably going to demod you. And none of us are pedophiles or pedo enablers.

[Night]

supporting pedophilia isn't a fucking political opinion what the fuck..

Thinking that a 5 year old and as young as a baby (since we're abolishing it, not lowering it to 2) can consent to sexual activities is beyond me.

[Deleted]

Supporting abolishing the age of consent is a political opinion, and not everyone is a pedo like you think. Gwedin verbally attacked several users and chased a user away. I fully support the ban on Gwedin.

[Night]

(06-26-2017 03:20 AM)Benjavaz Wrote:  Supporting abolishing the age of consent is a political opinion, and not everyone is a pedo like you think. Gwedin verbally attacked several users and chased a user away. I fully support the ban on Gwedin.

Also you fail to realize that I did not ban them for their opinion. I banned them because they said "What's so wrong about what pedophiles do" which could be EXTREMELY triggering to a victim of childhood sexual abuse! If we're supposed to be a support forum how can we ignore that? How are we essentially going to support the abusers but not the victims? Like actually think about this logically.

[sswbm]

You people's selectively pro-porn/anti-porn logic is hard to get a grip on.

[thewake]

(06-26-2017 04:21 AM)Jop Wrote:  You people's selectively pro-porn/anti-porn logic is hard to get a grip on.

Pro-porn that's of people 18 and up

Anti-porn that's of people 17 and younger.

Pretty easy to grip.

[sswbm]

And it's not bad for adults because?

[NiteRaidah]

all sex is bad, even within marriage or to produce children.

problem solved.

[sswbm]

(06-26-2017 09:23 AM)NiteRaidah Wrote:  all sex is bad, even within marriage or to produce children.

problem solved.

I know you're probably not serious, but porn and creation of children should not ever be conflated.

I have a conspiracy theory of sorts that that is actually the reason why schools have "sexual education". Society thinks there are too many people, so they make everyone conflate the two so that people associate making children with disgust.

[thewake]

(06-26-2017 09:18 AM)Jop Wrote:  And it's not bad for adults because?

Ok so I'm not sure if you're aware of societal norms and such, but these exist for good reason. How the hell are kids psychologically prepared to have sex? A kid can't legally agree sign a contract on their own, how can they agree to have their body's image sold sexually? We're talking about laws which protect people who are too young to actually make the informed decision to make porn. It's not about porn in-and-of itself. In many ways, it's like how 9 year olds shouldn't drive or get drunk.

At the very least you can understand where the opposing viewpoint is coming from.

[stevehein]

(06-26-2017 04:21 AM)Jop Wrote:  You people's selectively pro-porn/anti-porn logic is hard to get a grip on.

can you help me understand what you mean by "you people"?

and is it fair to say the thing bothering you is that you dont understand some people's reasons for what they are posting?

[stevehein]

re jop's theory/conspiracy theory...

" Society thinks there are too many people, so they make everyone conflate the two so that people associate making children with disgust.
[/quote]

ha ha ok. i never heard that one before!

[stevehein]

(06-26-2017 06:57 AM)thewake Wrote:  

(06-26-2017 04:21 AM)Jop Wrote:  You people's selectively pro-porn/anti-porn logic is hard to get a grip on.

Pro-porn that's of people 18 and up

Anti-porn that's of people 17 and younger.

Pretty easy to grip.

saying "pretty easy to grip" sounds a bit hurtful/sarcastic/judgmental or something to me. im wodering why it was necessary to add that


could be viewed as insuting or invalidating...

sounds to me like tw was feeling a bit superior to jop at tie of posting

[stevehein]

I am feeling very sad right now....

Thinking about what happened here in the past few days....

and thinking of a question i mus ask soulriser, who i more than respect- but who i can honestly say i now , and probably forever will, love.

as i think of all the posts g has been making im my pre management days. lets say, and i think of what she said last week when i asked what she thought of him, there is a question that we could say is burning a hole in my heart.

i ask this question with love and caring, and a pretty high level of fear, and a medium level of pain.

it is one of the most difficult questions i have felt a need to ask in a long long time.

before i ask it i must say more why it is hard to ask.

the main reason is sr felt very upset a few night ago when she read a post of mine.

in that post i said something like "i dont understand why sr allowed these kind of posts in her forum."

i still feel bad for upsetting her. and i hope i never forget that i upset her deeply- so deeply she literally was deprived of a basic need of hers.... a simple but basic and important need.

now before i say what that need is i must talk about cause and effect

i will use an example from this forum.

let us imagine a 12 year old trans girl comes on here, seeking support.
let us think oh lelah alcorn, a trans girl who killed herself at age 17 in the usa - such a model of peace, love, acceptance, tolerance and non violence.

*note i say that with cynicism, just in case anyone did not pick that up.

i would not want to cause any more misunderstanding -if in fact i have "caused much at all".

let me digress and give another example.

let us say i make a post that says "i really hate the bastards in england who voted for that asshole trump."

this might rightly cause some confusion, mis or lack of understanding.

some might post, you dipshit, no one in england can vote in a us presidential election. pull your head out of your ass

btw this loving expression, pyhooya, was used as a weapon against me recently.

by someone i last week stated openly that i love.

her name here is night.

night and i have a bit of history, dont we, n?

im gonna be very honest. i might have broken up with my partner to be with night.

i found night when i read a post she made abt how hard it was to explain what depression is like. i pmd her. she didnt reply for a long time.

then one day she did. she apologized and said she hadnt seen my message.

we started talking more

at some point i asked her to send me a 30 second video of her saying 'hi steve'

and she did

i found her to be dead sexy. i felt super attracted to her.

i deleted it immediately, btw, cause i was living with a *very* insecure person who had tried to kill herself as a teen.

i still feel a deep love for that person, btw, and guilty for this story. and afraid she may read this one day. she once was active here.

so, n and kept talking. we got pretty close.

not long after that i wrote to sr and said something like...

-

to be continued.

[James Comey]

sorry to blow your load but night has a boyfriend