Poems

[ModestMusic]

My poetry. Not very good, but I could use some constructive feedback


My secrets fill the open air
Wind blows them through trees and hair
Strings cry out for all to hear
But they fall on deafen ear

- - - - - - - - - - -

I watch you cry with bloodshot eyes
Both know is not time yet for goodbyes
Your heart wrenched across the floor
But it’s not time to show life the door
Do your best to stay optimistic
Take pride in that you are artistic
I turn from the mirror and walk away

- - - - - - - - - -

The person I've been searching for
I have found at last
Looking far and wide for, but they've been here
present and past
Who could this person be
of which I am so fond?
Why, its you of course
Nothing could surpass our bond

[Vatman]

Constructive criticism on poetry is just plain redundant. But I'll give you one better...I'll deconstruct it. Lets start from the top.

Poem 1:


My secrets fill the open air
The image of secrets filling in open air is very poetic in the sense that it gives the secret space where it had none before. Now what do you do with this newly personified secret?
Wind blows them through trees and hair
This next line compliments the first not only because the last words rhyme, but because the soothing sound of the "w" in wind is a great transition to that light feeling "air" sound. Air. Wind. Air. Wind. Read them separately with a pause and you can feel their syllables create fluidity. Now here is where I felt you had a falling out. Think on this logic: your secrets are now embodied...taking the space where there was once only air. Now they are blown through trees and hair. If you've taken the time to solidify your secrets why break them up again. It ruins the image created in the very first line.

Strings cry out for all to hear
I have a few problems with this line. Strings? Where did strings come from....they don't relate to hair nor do they relate to wind or secrets...so they must be crying because they are irrelevant.
But they fall on deafen ear
I am going to ignore the imagery of strings for the moment and imagine we are still speaking of secrets. The purpose of a secret is in fact to not have it heard; so the use of the deaf ear works. The issue is, besides the fact that deafen is not used properly (you used it as an adjective as opposed to the verb, or transitive verb....i.e..the noise would deafen any and all listeners...)....is that everyone knows secrets shouldn't be told. So where is the moral to the poem; it's almost patronizing to the reader who looks inwards but only finds poor grammar and a lack of a meaning. Just because rhyming is associated with poetry: the rhyme doesn't make the poem.

[Vatman]

I watch you cry with bloodshot eyes
Both know is not time yet for goodbyes
Your heart wrenched across the floor
But it’s not time to show life the door
Do your best to stay optimistic
Take pride in that you are artistic
I turn from the mirror and walk away

Poem 2:

Okay, so I'm not going to completely deconstruct this one as it suffers mostly from the ailments of the first one. I'll just tell you what you did well and what you didn't do well with. Your rhyme scheme isn't bad...if I have to read another poem that rhymes the words "above" and "love" again I think I might puke and suggest we nuke ourselves.

You managed to make each line of similar size and you used relatively original imagery.I think the issue with your imagery is that your clinging to much with what you know and aren't exploring langauge and description. How many times have you heard, "show something the door"...."bloodshot eyes"....."wrenched across the floor"..."not time yet for goodbyes"....you've heard these saying before because these are cliche's.

Cliche's are very important in conversation because they say alot without having to actually say alot. For example....if I were to say that walking through my old elementary school is a trip through memory lane....You would immediately understand how I felt without my having to recall a tale of my pulling on some forlorn girls pigtails. But cliche's don't have a place in poetry normally....not because of their usage....but because when you write a poem....your trying to show, not tell. And cliche's are all about telling.

I did like your last line and what it tried to accomplish. It shows you have actual potential as a poet; you can change an entire perspective of a poem in eight words.

[itsurgrlcass]

vatman, if i post some of my work, would you edit it for me please? i admire your ability to deconstruct!!
devon: dont worry, you can edit it too ^_^

[CrayolaColours]

itsurgrlcass Wrote:vatman, if i post some of my work, would you edit it for me please? i admire your ability to deconstruct!!
devon: dont worry, you can edit it too ^_^

You'll learn he's kinda like the Shakespeare of the community.

I like it, waaaay better than anything I could ever hope to do. I don't have much of a way with words.

[itsurgrlcass]

CrayolaColours Wrote:I like it, waaaay better than anything I could ever hope to do. I don't have much of a way with words.

same here

[itsurgrlcass]

devon says that you get an A+ for finding the reincarnation of Shakespeare!!

[CrayolaColours]

YAY! What's my prize?!



...Gee, thanks.

[itsurgrlcass]

dont be discouraged!!
that is MAGIC poop! if you give it to mr. wizard hell grant you a wish!!

[Vatman]

I'm confused; are you Devon and are referring to yourself in the third person. Either way I would be happy to chow down on any poem. But so help me god if you rhyme the words above and love I will snap.

Also this post is filled with too much poop. If I were the reincarnation of Shakespeare...there would be less poop.

[itsurgrlcass]

but Vatman! this is SPECIAL poop!!! its magical!!!!!!!
Devon is ModestMusic sorry for the confusion. im Cass ^_^

hmmm.. maybe your not shakespeare after all! maybe your kurt vonnegut!!! or george orwell... or maybe a combo of all three!!!!!
regardless, please dont eat my poem babies!! Devon (modestmusic) already eats them, and my homework, and she eats her own poem babies if i dont stop her!!!
and thank you for helping me and devon

crayola, heres another prize enjoy two cents!!!

[ModestMusic]

Cass- I only ate it once And you have your poems babies aborted!! And I don't eat my children- well, not yet. Devon hasn't gotten on my nerves yet, but I am called a whore one more time... And please bring your writing tomorrow! I will bring a mirror so that I can read it!

Vatman- Thanks for your input!! Its priceless

Crayola- A++

[itsurgrlcass]

i still have some nothing share worthy though.
ill try to write in math (ironicly, i write a lot in that class) but if im going fast my mirror writing will be sloppy

[ModestMusic]

THen don't use mirror writing. Its not like Lobster will see it and post it in his notes

[itsurgrlcass]

FUCKING LOBBI (I HOPE HES READING THIS)
STOP STEALING POEMS, YOU STUPID FUCK
OR UP YOUR ASS ILL SHOVE A DUCK
AS A CHRISTIAN, I CANT WISH YOU TO HELL
BUT AS A HUMAN IF YOU STEAL A POEM AGAIN I WILL FUCKING MAKE YOU FEEL PAIN!!!
sorry for the language i got a little worked up there ^_^

mirror writing helps my creative juices flow better i think x)
it shouldnt be too hard for you to read though ^_^

[ModestMusic]

I wanted to destroy his face when I first saw it posted, but I calmed myself and I no longer care, except to give him shit about it.
I feel the same way ^.^ But it makes for lots of crappy potato jar babies XP

[itsurgrlcass]

agreed!
he has a problem with stealing peoples stuff -_-
but im over it, as long as he doesnt do it again ^_^