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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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Confusion
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Ouroboros Offline
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Post: #1
Confusion

Hi there everyone, this is my first post on this forum and I'd like to start out by thanking whoever created this genius website. This might be one of the most useful pages I've ever seen, so, off we go.


My background is fairly unique, but then again, I was brought up in the same schooling system as other kids so, maybe not.

I was born in California, went to a private elementary school there, it was a really weird experience, most of the teachers were new-wave hippies with deep thoughts on the universe and other things. I think that's why my mother sent me there, she was sort of the free spirit of her family, my dad was nonchalant towards that whole situation.

Anyways, during my time there I managed to skip a grade ahead, lil ole' genyuz me really impressed those teachers, not to pat my self on the back at all, I truly don't believe I deserved it, that later payed off...

I went out of country with my parents for a year in an obscure Slavic country whose name really serves no particular importance in this topic.
Anyways, when I came back, I enrolled into middle school, however they felt that my time spent out of country really hindered my educational progress so they put me back a grade (where I belonged), blah blah.

Skip ahead to mid high school:
I found puberty really leaving it's mark on me, in the 9th grade I developed extreme amounts of facial hair and quite a vagina (jk). I hate myself for that joke now. I found a lot of problems arising in my life, getting suspended for around 30 days over some tom-foolery I had committed, mind you I had straight A's in "honor" classes, whatever the hell that is. In turn, that whole suspension drove my teachers wild, they all saw me as this great kid and were disappointed in the deans department for basically screwing up my progress over nothing. In turn, when I returned, you would imagine me being incredibly far behind, I became incredibly overwhelmed, I basically broke down. Anyways, after me basically failing my first semester of sophomore year due to this, I spiraled into an abysmal state of depression that I just couldn't climb out of and feel that I'm still stuck in. I'm a junior now and I've been enrolling myself in so many alternative schooling options; i.e Independent study, online high school. Because I just feel so embarrassed to be the kid that once was the "shining star" in his class, be the kid that is taking non-honor sophomore classes as a junior, I'm just way to insecure to do that. Anyways, junior year is about to end for me, and I'm still falling apart, I have less than half the credits required to graduate and just have this long resonating voice in my head whispering (....you're fucked....you're fucked). I am even more depressed because I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is for my parents to endure my constant failures. I know that ultimately my education falls on my shoulders, but I'm still a human being and can sympathize with them. I've been medically diagnosed with depression in the 7th grade, but I don't really flaunt that as kids do today "omg liek, eyem zo depressed lolZ!!!", I've visited therapists and even hypnotists (gotta try everything), and I'd really like to believe that I'm NOT depressed, but I don't care. I've just noticed how basically the first half of my story shows no relevance to my real problems. I've had a few heroic teachers I've had the pleasures of associating with. They all said I was incredibly more mature than my fellow peers, I never took their statements to heart, but merely as compliments. So, I don't really believe any of the school work I've encountered has been difficult to say, I can't really see what these kids complain about, it's not hard. I believe my problem is that I procrastinate too much and it's more of a "quantity vs. quality" dilemma, the work is easy, there's just a lot of it.

Can anybody empathize with my situation, anybody that had the 3 weeks available in their schedule to read my utterly pointless essay? Any help people?

Thanks for your time, sudinamastu Smile
05-02-2012 08:15 PM
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1312 Offline
It gets better, believe me. :)

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Post: #2
RE: Confusion

Keep in mind that schooling is neither an education or knowledge. Don't be ashamed. Fuck their expectations, just live your life and don't stress, life's a mess
05-02-2012 08:50 PM
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