Jokes

[Freak]

How about a topic about jokes?
Here's one to get started:
A Lesson in Government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

[WildFire]

OMG!!!! I actually got that joke and laughed my ass off.

[SoulRiser]

BAHAHAHAHA!!

good one

[SoulRiser]

not technically a joke, but still funny:

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)!

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes ).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact With fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress Would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her earning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking ).

[WildFire]

lo, that was funny too.

[SoulRiser]

The CIA's Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.

The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Abandoning Ship]

Quote:5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

GOOD EYE,SNIIPER!!!

I SHOOT,YOU RUN!!!

(Automated Message:We're sorry, but your extremely vauge refrence to a sniper has reminded Brandon of Coheed and Cambria. He hasn't fed me in days. :( )


[/quote]

[WildFire]

*shakes head* ate some bad food agian, didnt you toucan?

[Guest]

lol jokes are funny

[Alucard483]

iv got one
one day in school teacher jain tought the children a new word: definantly.
she then asked the children to use it in a sentance.
Shelby: The sky is definantly blue.
teacher: Wrong can the sky not also be grey or orange?
Toby: Leaves are definantly green.
teacher: wrong leaves can also be red, orange and brown as well.
then little jimmy who is usually very shy raised his hand
Jimmy: Do farts have lumps?
theacher: EWWW. Of course not!
Jimmy: Then i DEFINANTLY shit my pants

[Guest]

Actually air is blue, leaves always have green in them, and gasses can have differences in pressure.

Damn you analyzing mind!

[Freak]

, Here's some more:
World War III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"


What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?
They both irritate Bush.


Clinton's sons

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.
Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."
Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"
She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.
Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway."


State slogans:
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?


What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician.

Meaning Of Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Clinton Poll
Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!

5% — No
3% — Yes
92% — Never Again

Genie and the Taliban:
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."


Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.

(DOn't really like these but the last one is cool )
Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

[SoulRiser]

The Pope dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he meets St. Peter. He says to him, ‘You must be St. Peter.’ St. Peter answers, ‘And who are you?’ The pope is taken aback, ‘You don’t recognize me? I’m the Pope.’ St. Peter picks up his list and goes over the names, ‘Pope, Pope—I’m sorry, there is nobody here by that name. I’m sorry, but you can’t enter heaven.’ The Pope is shocked. ‘There must be some mistake. It’s impossible—I must be on that list. Please, look again: I’m the Pope!’ St. Peter gets impatient and tells him to buzz off. By now the Pope is in tears and begs him, ‘Please, St. Peter, I’m your successor and the representative of Jesus on earth. I’m the head of the Holy Roman Church. I have a right to enter heaven.’ St. Peter is getting annoyed and says, I’ve never heard of anything so foolish. If you don’t immediately buzz off, I’ll call the angels with the flaming swords.’ The Pope is in utter despair. ‘No, please don’t, I beg of you. Can’t you ask somebody, who knows me? Maybe Jesus or one of the saints will vouch for me.’ St. Peter gives in and says to the chap, ‘All right, I’ll go and ask inside. You stay here. And don’t touch anything.’ So he goes inside, and there are Jesus, his mother Mary, the apostles and several angels and saints. ‘Excuse me, Lord,’ says St. Peter, ‘there is a chap by the name of Pope wanting to enter heaven. He claims to have been your representative on earth.’ Jesus laughs, ‘My representative on earth? That’s absurd, isn’t it? And I’ve never heard of anyone named Pope?’ No one seems to know the Pope, until suddenly the Virgin Mary speaks up, ‘Wait a minute. Pope—isn’t he the one who spread all the rumors about me and the Holy Ghost?’

[Demonic Pyro]

Lmao I like em' all
heres one from me :

Quote:President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were
flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura,
chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000
bill out of the window right now and make somebody
very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could
throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten
people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one
hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and
said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there.
Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and
make 56 million people very happy."

[Doc Johnson]

[Freak]

ROFL!!!!!