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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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I Am Free
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Post: #1
I Am Free

A few moments ago I was lying in bed experiencing what could be called a mild panic attack. I was thinking about what would happen in only a few hours: the start of the school year. As I lay there trying to get to sleep, I started to feel anxious and depressed. I thought it would be only the start of months of suffering but I was wrong.

I was wrong because I suddenly realized something: school days are just days. There is no real difference between days you go to school and others days. I realized that school is just something that I can do. This simple and obvious conclusion suddenly relieved my anxiety.

We have been told that school is necessary and that without it we are doomed. I thought that was bullshit before and now I see just how true it is. We can learn in that thing called a school? Hah, not likely. What is important is not learning how to do XYZ, it’s how to live! Life is vibrant, growing, and organic. School is static and dogmatic.

The real problem with school is the hierarchy. Teachers and administration are separated from students. They are rulers and we are the slaves. No, real life needs communication and respect. The lines between teacher and student need to be blurred. We need to see people as people not just the roles they play. We need to treat each other as people not just pupils whose minds need to be filled.

But the most important realization I had is that I can live my life the way I want to. I refuse to let anyone stand in my way. My life and my destiny are mine alone. It is my right to see my dreams fulfilled. School shall never stand in my way again. From now on, I refuse to be a passive witness to the events in my life.

This realization has freed my mind. Emotional chains no longer bind me. I am free!
09-04-2007 04:03 PM
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Hayley44 Offline
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that's a great epiphany. not to be a downer, but how are you going to still manage to feel free when you're stuck in school again for 8 hours, getting rosie o'donell-sized work loads piled on you?
09-04-2007 04:10 PM
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I was thinking of that myself.

I know I will still be free because I will refuse to let myself be stuck in school. By stuck I mean emotionally. Put simply I will say, "OK, you want me to do this work. I will do it but not because you want me to. I will do it because I want to. But if I decide I would rather not do this work then you can go fuck yourself."
09-04-2007 04:13 PM
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Cosbydaf Offline
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Good write-up!
09-04-2007 04:17 PM
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Hayley44 Offline
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Kirby Wrote:I was thinking of that myself.

I know I will still be free because I will refuse to let myself be stuck in school. By stuck I mean emotionally. Put simply I will say, "OK, you want me to do this work. I will do it but not because you want me to. I will do it because I want to. But if I decide I would rather not do this work then you can go fuck yourself."

that's awesome. I wish I had the courage to do that, but as we speak I'm scribbling down my chemistry homework, that I'd rather not do. the only flaw I see in this plan is that they might suspend you fairly quickly, but then again, that would hardly be a punishment. I wish you the best of luck!
09-04-2007 04:21 PM
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tock172 Offline
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Hmm this sounds pretty interesting to me. I had a similar experience a few days ago.

A friend of mine, or person I knew rather, commented that I say I hate the place where I live, but I where a hat that bears the initials of the city. At first, I was taken aback, but then, I realized that wait a minute, this guy is an idiot and I know it, I could give a shit. I just said, "You know man, I don't really care. I like the colors and fit of the had. If you have a problem with it, get me a Chicago hat. Otherwise, I don't really care."

It was amazing. Of course, this is only one of many events where I have been caring less and less what people think, say and feel about me. I am finding that real freedom, is not caring what people think or say about you. It just doesn't matter in the long run unless they are trying to help you.

Yeah man, I know what you are saying. At least school gets me on a routine where I can wake up early on the weekends and get stuff done.

"One cannot make a difference if one cannot express opinions properly" -Eric Harris
09-04-2007 04:25 PM
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Cosbydaf Offline
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Aleksandr Wrote:I was amazing. Of course, this is only one of many events where I have been caring less and less what people think, say and feel about me. I am finding that real freedom, is not caring what people think or say about you. It just doesn't matter in the long run unless they are trying to help you.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I used to be worried about doing something stupid, and being embarrassed, but after middle school I stopped trying to appease the idiots and just did what I felt like. I got some crap for it(and still do), but I don't care.
09-04-2007 04:29 PM
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Hayley44 Offline
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that's an excellent philosophy. I've mostly stopped caring what people think about me. I can't, however, seem to shake off the mindset that I'm gonna fail life if I don't do well in school =/
09-04-2007 04:32 PM
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I am not saying I am going to just not do anything. If that was the case I wouldn't even bother to go.

Instead of school being something imposed upon me, I am going to change it into a tool that I can use. The key is that I will no longer be passive. I will take an active role in my own life and education. I do want to learn which is why I will go to school. But because I will treat it like a tool instead of a lifestyle, I won't be bound to it.

Let's say that there is an event I want to go to that is during school hours. Or even just that it's a nice day and I would rather hang around in the sun. In either case I would just skip school. Also this relates to realizing what bullshit school is. When students skip school some people massively overreact. I say to them, "It's just fucking school. There is nothing special about it. I am not jeopardizing my future life my not being there all of the time. Anyways, it is my life not yours. If I want to fuck it up it is my decision."
09-04-2007 04:33 PM
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I am really sick of this fail at life bullshit. Sorry for deviation from the topic here, but this really gets me. Everywhere I go, I here this shit, "you fail at life." I am sorry, but the only real people who failed at life are the ones who committed suicide, not even all of them. It is bullshit. Why can we not sound educated? [Wow the irony]. Do well in life, be successfully, anything.

"One cannot make a difference if one cannot express opinions properly" -Eric Harris
09-04-2007 04:39 PM
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That's part of it. I don't want to live my life by the dictates of society. I want to live my life the way I want to. If I become a homeless drifter but I feel my life has been worthwhile, then what right do other people have to say that I have failed?
09-04-2007 04:50 PM
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Darthmat Offline
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I feel good for you Kirby, Smile I wish i could have omething like that :(

I highly suggest Mobb Deep's albums The Infamous and Hell on Earth, if you have not listened to it yet.
09-04-2007 09:49 PM
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If you don't want to go, simply don't go. If the police try to force you there support your arguments.
09-05-2007 02:08 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Re: I Am Free

Kirby Wrote:I was wrong because I suddenly realized something: school days are just days. There is no real difference between days you go to school and others days. I realized that school is just something that I can do. This simple and obvious conclusion suddenly relieved my anxiety.

We have been told that school is necessary and that without it we are doomed. I thought that was bullshit before and now I see just how true it is. We can learn in that thing called a school? Hah, not likely. What is important is not learning how to do XYZ, it’s how to live! Life is vibrant, growing, and organic. School is static and dogmatic.

So true. I wish I realized that earlier than I did Razz

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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09-05-2007 04:58 AM
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Will Offline
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I'm not sure of whether I completely missed the point or have just always thought like this. I can relate to the feeling of not caring about school.

After I read lots of stuff by traditionally educated adults about why school is stupid, I became more confident that it indeed was. Then I stopped caring about doing stupid work, so I did fun stuff instead. (I normally read materials that I'm not supposed to be reading in class in class, and I felt like I had nearly stopped doing homework by the end of last year. I was still getting A's somehow though.) And my motivation just got worse (better) from there. I lost the fear of failing because I just didn't care.

It was entirely a feeling, though. I had thought about this before and had wanted stop worrying so much, but I never acted this way until my feelings sort of forced me to.
09-05-2007 05:22 AM
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It's not entirely about not caring about school. The main thing that I realized was that I can't just let life happen to me anymore.

Like you (wsgosset) I knew that school was stupid but I didn't feel it. For me it was just so sudden. It was within minutes that I had gone through this change. It wasn't just something that happened last night either; I still feel the same way.
09-05-2007 05:40 AM
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You're right god dammit, thank you, I appreciate your explanation
09-05-2007 06:32 AM
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That why you changed your sig?

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09-05-2007 06:33 AM
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To me, school is school. It's bullshit as far as true education goes but it's the only way to make a decent living (unless you get lucky or you've got tons of money stashed away).

I hate school, but I still have to go. I don't do the work because the school wants me to; I do it because it's in my best interest. Not doing the work means I'll be screwed later. I'd rather do the work and eventually be able to escape school forever. If that means being depressed for a good part of my life, then so be it.

I'll consider myself free the day I'm done with school. My hope is that one day kids won't have to go through the current school system.

BOOM, HEADSHOT! -FPS_Doug
09-05-2007 06:59 AM
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*agrees with 100% of above post*

I highly suggest Mobb Deep's albums The Infamous and Hell on Earth, if you have not listened to it yet.
09-05-2007 07:04 AM
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Wow, that was a wonderful post but I do not feel that way though I wish I did.

I realize that school is so stupid and unnecessary but I cannot stop caring about the work. Everytime teachers give us homework, I make myself do it because I would hate to get Fs and go to summer school or not be able to graduate. So, it's not that I WANT to do the work, it's actually the total opposite, I'd rather watch paint dry than do homework if that was an option. The FEAR of doing bad in school is what makes me do all the work. I do not know how to get rid of this fear but I wish I did.

3 more years and I'll be free from school (GOOD RIDDANCE!)

I also agree with délivrance.
09-05-2007 07:09 AM
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Heart of shadows Wrote:That why you changed your sig?
No, I changed it before.
09-05-2007 07:42 AM
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délivrance Wrote:To me, school is school. It's bullshit as far as true education goes but it's the only way to make a decent living (unless you get lucky or you've got tons of money stashed away).

I hate school, but I still have to go. I don't do the work because the school wants me to; I do it because it's in my best interest. Not doing the work means I'll be screwed later. I'd rather do the work and eventually be able to escape school forever. If that means being depressed for a good part of my life, then so be it.

I'll consider myself free the day I'm done with school. My hope is that one day kids won't have to go through the current school system.

But all you really need at the end is the diploma, in most cases it doesn't matter how much you get for each subject. So even if you just scrape through, it's fine.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
Click here if school makes you depressed or suicidal

Support School Survival on Patreon or Donate Bitcoin Here: 1Q5WCcxWjayniaL92b8GfXBiGdfjmnUNa2
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
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09-06-2007 02:49 AM
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Will Offline
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To all of the people who do work are afraid of failing school and then failing life, I say this: After finishing high school, you are expected to attend some sort of university for at least four years--probably five to seven if you can afford it. And then you're expected to get a normal job. Your parents have a lot of power in deciding where you go to college, but I imagine you will have more power after that. (I don't really know yet though.) I can't find the article, but I read an article before about how people just make the decisions that supposedly give them better chances for the future. This is a way of avoiding making the decisions for yourself. You end up having the same boring life that your parents had. College is certainly a lot better than high school, but try to break out of this mentality before it's too late.

Another thing: I used to say to myself that school sucked but I should still do it because it would help later in life. It turns out that middle school and elementary school don't matter at all beyond getting you into high school. I felt quite betrayed when I entered high school and realized that. Based on this evidence alone, I can doubt that high school matters.
09-06-2007 04:03 AM
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