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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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I'm so Confused
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Chibi Moon Beam Offline
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Post: #1
I'm so Confused

This quarter of college was delayed by an ice storm, and due to being inadequately informed I've missed three homework assignments and turned in one I feel I should have gotten credit for. Now I'm failing a computer class, a computer class of all things. I'm not supposed to fail a computer class, I love computers. I stayed up almost all night getting those three missed assignments in. All that sleep deprivation and work for nothing. My teacher is anything but generous, not even a fraction of a single credit for those assignments. Before I went home that night to finish and turn in those assignments I was offered a chance to talk to my parents about dropping the class that night. I decided not with the hope of receiving at least a fraction of a credit as at least it would be better than nothing. I didn't want the attention of talking to my parents and wanted to make up those assignments while I still had my dignity. I regret not taking chance when I had it as the attention would have been better than struggling for at least a B. The attention would have been better than dropping the class after midpoint and possibly going on financial aid probation. I feel cheated and my time could best be used elsewhere. I'm beginning to wonder if this whole technical college thing is really for me.

I have two choices at this point, either drop the class and receive a WF grade and risk financial aid probation and have to retake the class, or continue and try to get an A or a high B at the very least. At this rate I'd be lucky to get a 90 and just barely score an A. Option 1 would be easier but might affect my financial aid, option 2 might be more work and stress than I can handle.

One thing that really kicks my ass is the fact that this computer class seems to be more dependent on homework than on lectures, participation, hands on lessons, and tests/quizes. I feel like the college environment, or at least the environment of this class is too structured for someone like me. I'm too free a spirit to be bound by mandatory homework and deadlines. I'm more spontaneous and intuitive. Things have gotten so bad I'm ironically doing better in class for a subject I hate than a subject I love. My performance in my math core class is better than my major class. Why can't it be more like my math class where homework is optional and actually requires you to put in effort while you're actually in class rather than waste time at home better spent in class to get a good grade. I'm simply not very motivated to do something that is required for a grade and with a deadline on top of it. The teacher also rarely, if ever makes announcements when deadlines are past or when assignments are due so it's impossible to know whether or not I'll get credit for my work.

Add on to that while I love computers and technology, I'm still a little unsure as to what I want to do. Part of me wants to build and repair computers and electronics, another wants to be a technician to repair technology in the medical field, another part wants to be a game designer, and yet another part of me wants to be a social engineer and help out with projects beneficial to humanity such as the Venus Project. I'm just not sure college is right for someone still so indecisive. I'm torn between what I should do. Switch from a degree to a certificate/diploma? Drop out and learn what I want in my own way on my own time? Get an apprenticeship? School is the only thing keeping them from making me pay rent when I eventually get a job. I'm just so stressed and tired right now I just want a weekend of fun of comfort to keep my mind off. I don't even want to think about it's so bad.

[Image: 200px-Anfem2.svg.png] [Image: Anarcho-Syndicalism-Anarchist-communism.jpg]
"Government is as unreal, as intangible, as unapproachable as God. Try it, if you don't believe it. Seek through the legislative halls of America and find, if you can, the Government. In the end you will be doomed to confer with the agent, as before. "-Voltairine De Cleyre
02-12-2011 03:41 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #2
Re: I'm so Confused

This is why I took a year off before college... to figure out what to do.

Well, I didn't actually figure out what to do in that year... but that's not the point...

A lot of people never actually figure out what they want to do in their entire lives it seems.

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02-13-2011 07:52 AM
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Chibi Moon Beam Offline
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Posts: 86
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Post: #3
Re: I'm so Confused

It's just one of those times where it sounds easier to just not think at all as opposed to think. Having an independent thinking mind seems like a chore and a burden at times like these and the easier option sounds appealing at this point. I'm not exactly motivated to do work that consists of looking at a textbook and regurgitating answers on a word document.

[Image: 200px-Anfem2.svg.png] [Image: Anarcho-Syndicalism-Anarchist-communism.jpg]
"Government is as unreal, as intangible, as unapproachable as God. Try it, if you don't believe it. Seek through the legislative halls of America and find, if you can, the Government. In the end you will be doomed to confer with the agent, as before. "-Voltairine De Cleyre
02-13-2011 12:30 PM
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