Just Me :)

[Oceanfall]

Thank the gods for this site!
I'm a 17 year old girl, part Finnish, part Russian. I am currently living in Shanghai, China, and have been for the past eight years. I have spent my entire life prior to this travelling around the world due to my father's career. I was born in Tokyo, Japan, and have never lived in either Finland or Russia, and therefore have never had a "home" country, and I consider myself International. When I was younger, I was a straight A* student, and a hopeless perfectionist. I do love learning, and finding out new things that interest me. My room has been described as a library... but don't mistake me for a complete geek
I first began to have problems with school at the end of IGCSE, when I found I simply did not fit in, and had a series of debilitating illnesses which forced me to spend a large amount of time away from school. I underwent a time of deep depression, and emerged a changed, if more self-aware, person. I did not study at all for my IGCSE's, yet still managed to gain top grades in my class. It was then that my hell began. I started the IB Diploma programme, and within six months, I had been forced to drop down to certificate. A few months later, I dropped out of the school that I had been familiar with for seven years entirely. I had high hopes for the programme, and was disappointed to find it mind-numbing, and painfully competitive. On top of that, their compulsory attendance rate was a big problem, as my immune system had been considerably weakened by my illnesses, and I was often sick.
Now anyone who has ever attempted the IB course will know that they judge everything you do based on the mountainous amount of assignments they hand out. Miss even a few days, and you will be left so far behind that the prospects of catching up become dim. I became frustrated with myself, and the grades I was getting due to missed assignments. I had no friends, as they were all too busy concentrating on their academic careers and future ambitions. The long days I spent at home, I taught myself, and realised to my surprise that I knew a lot more than my peers. I went through an epiphany, where I realised that school did not teach me anything, it was I who taught myself. I also realised that unlike my peers, I had no real ambitions for the future. I would never dream of becoming a lawyer, or a doctor, or a pretentious this or that. The only thing that I have ever liked is creative writing and drawing, something which is highly neglected in IB. I became more and more disillusioned with the education system, and began purposefully skipping, pretending to be ill, and taking days off to do my own things.
When I did go back to school, I realised I had become a social pariah, that teachers would ignore me, as would the students, and I would constantly be in trouble for various things. My EE was too controversial in their eyes, and got banned. One by one all my "friends" in IGCSE disappeared, and became completely different people, cold-hearted ambitious robots who competed with one another to get the highest grades, and the most CAS hours. My teachers were all disappointed in me, and eventually gave up on me. My father shouted at me every morning, calling me "a spineless, lazy worthless girl" who will end up homeless under a bridge one day unless I shake some sense into myself and "grow up". I began to develop self-destructive tendencies, and loathe myself, as I loathed school, and all the people in it. Eventually I dropped out, towards the end of my first year, and began to live my life. Those few months that I had to myself were probably the best I'd had in a long time. I learned, and wrote more than I had in many years, even completing a novel I had not had time to write while stressing about school. Unfortunately, it came to an end after the summer, as my dad gave me two options, enrol in another high school, or he would send me to Finland to live with my mum and wash his hands off me once and for all (my mother is herself very ill, in a psychological way, and living with her would not be easy).
I eventually went for an interview with another private school, and they accepted me based on my IGCSE scores. Now I am once again in the IB programme (as there is no other alternative for International students who are not American here in Shanghai), and hating every second of it. I had some hope that a change in environment would aid things, but after the first few months, things began to slide again, and just last week, I only showed up to school on one day. I have been given many warnings, and tomorrow I am scheduled for an interview with the IB coordinator, and I suspect they are planning to lower me to certificate once more. My father is furious with me, and we are not on speaking terms. He looks down on me, and praises my sister, who is currently completing her IGCSE's. I told myself that if I fail this time, I will drop out of school entirely, no matter what the consequences. I simply find the classes too boring, the people too ignorant, and my social anxiety disorder makes me feel highly uncomfortable surrounded by large groups of people, and being forced to interact with them. It is actually physically painful for me to attend school, and every day I come back feeling drained, exhausted, and self-destructive.
I have one or two good friends, who respect me for who I am, even though they don't understand me entirely, and I don't want to risk losing them by dropping out. Yet I feel this is all hurting me more than I can cope, and I am worried I will take desperate action if I do not find a solution. I have suffered from two nervous breakdowns already, and once ended up in hospital. I do not want to repeat these episodes, yet I fear I am being driven mad by the constant stress, worry, anxiety, depression and neglect I am subjected to. My main problem is the overwhelming work load, and the subject choices I have made, combined with my intense ability to procrastinate, and my dropping attendance rate. The work is not hard by any means, just redundant, time consuming, and unrewarding.
Furthermore, I often have trouble sleeping at night, and am too tired to get up in the mornings, as my mind is always quickest at night. I need flexible schedules, and work that I can complete at my own pace, in a peaceful environment, away from people I am not comfortable with. So I am failing again, and will likely not make it to the end of this year. I am scared of going to school tomorrow, of facing the disappointment, of having to explain myself when I find it difficult to speak already.
I have dozens of assignments due in tomorrow, many of them projects I have not even started on, because I find them so uninspiring. Many of them have been due in for weeks. This is my school story... and I have spent this entire night looking for sites that can help me, before stumbling upon this one, which believes everything that I do concerning the education system.
I hope I didn't bore you all with my extremely long and rambling introduction, but I'm hoping to find someone who would be willing to offer me some advice... or just show support and help me cope one day at a time. If you want to know more or just talk, feel free to message/email me I don't bite!

[youvebeenthunderstruck]

Hi.

Go away!

Kidding.

Hey, good to see you.

[magikarp]

[HeartofShadows]

Hey ummm welcome to umm the school site.
I used to know a girl like you last year. She was from japan, She had to have popular friends surrounding her at all times, Her grades had to be perfect, and she had to please her family but she left so ehhh.
So you live in china huh thats rough.
From what I read in china They really do compete in the school department and I heard kids epecially women have it rough.
I would try to think of something but I live in america where they pretty much don't think to much of us here.
I will say that no matter what your dad says about how you will fail don't let it get to you.
I read alot of the time and by the way you describe you stuff even I couldn't do what you do.
I don't know if your like this (Asians have alot on family and pleasing them) But eventually to run your own life you will have to make choices that don't please you family.
Oh and good job for discovering your Revelation about school.
Alot of people eventually get the idea that school does not teach them but they push it aside as saying that it is foolishness because isn't that school's purpose.

Umm sorry if I offended you or anything and welcome.

Oceanfall huh clever.

[Abandoning Ship]

Wow, what a story. I'm sure it'll work out for ya though.

Welcome to SS!

[Vatman]

So do they call Chinese food in china...just food?

Oh and welcome!

[SoulRiser]

Hi there, welcome to SS

You used a few abbreviations in your post that I have no idea what they stand for

You sound quite intelligent, and it doesn't surprise me that you find school boring. The sad thing is that it seems your dad measures intelligence by grades, so in order for him to realize you're smart, he'll have to get over that narrow-minded idea first.

Quote:I simply find the classes too boring, the people too ignorant, and my social anxiety disorder makes me feel highly uncomfortable surrounded by large groups of people, and being forced to interact with them.

I hate being forced to deal with people too. That's not a disorder, it just means you're more of an introvert. There's nothing wrong with that.

Quote:I have one or two good friends, who respect me for who I am, even though they don't understand me entirely, and I don't want to risk losing them by dropping out.

There are always ways to keep in touch

If you're gonna drop out, ... which laws would apply to you, anyway? Japan's laws? I have no clue how their laws on school look. Though I'm guessing they'd be somewhat... strict.

Are you gonna try to get your novel published?

[Darthmat]

I am to lazy to think of a stupid joke right now, sorry.

[Rebelnerd]

welcome to SS, although i must say i'm surprised you can even reach a site like this in the good ol' PRC. don't they censor anything that is remotely threatening to government propaganda? be careful, from what i hear of the Chinese government they're not the types that would find this stuff funny. but anyway, i hope you fit in here and if you don't then stay anyway just to piss people off, because that's what freedom of speech is all about. and with China and the US both running roughshod over student rights in their quest to surpass each other in the education contest and acheive world supremacy, freedom is something that we all need to defend. welcome aboard.

p.s. if you could just take care of the whole toxic lead toy problem while you're over there, that would be great.

[happy fool called Nigel]

God.

I feel like saying "You poor thing!", but that sounds a little demeaning, doesn't it?

Basically you sound really fucking cool.


Keep in touch with us here on SS! And talk to me.

[Oceanfall]

Hey, thanks for all your replies people!
The way the P R C censors sites seems to be pretty random sometimes, and they mostly concentrate on the more political ones, and the ones which gain the most hits, and therefore are in danger of educating people. You may have heard of their recent attempt to block Youtube (which we have back now, albeit heavily edited).
I would try to publish my novel... but I'm not sure how to go about it, since my father would find the idea laughable. However, I will continue doing my research and looking for opportunities.
I'm looking forward to talking to all of you, oh, and "Chinese Food" in China is actually just called Chinese Food (Zhong Guo Cai)

[SoulRiser]

Quote:The way the P R C censors sites seems to be pretty random sometimes, and they mostly concentrate on the more political ones, and the ones which gain the most hits, and therefore are in danger of educating people.

So SS isn't infamous enough for them to care about it..... yet

Quote:I would try to publish my novel... but I'm not sure how to go about it, since my father would find the idea laughable. However, I will continue doing my research and looking for opportunities.

If you don't find a way, you could always throw the whole thing online and then put ads on the pages. If enough people read it, it may bring in a reasonable amount of money.

[Rebelnerd]

be careful though, if it pisses off the government a lot they can find the origin. if enough money and resources are at hand (and in a country like China they probably would be) then literally anything put onto a computer can be traced. are you an actual Chinese citizen or just living there? either way they don't like it. my family knew a guy who was in China for his term abroad in college and made one sarcastic Mao comment and they forced him to leave immediately. but if you can find a safe way to get your book out there, that would be great. i'd love to read it.

[thewake]

Welcome.
All I can say, based on what you wrote, is that I wouldn't stay a day in a place like China. Not a day. It's one thing living in a place like America where you at least have a few basic inalienable freedoms, but it's another living in a fascist socialist country like China.

[Rebelnerd]

Chinese government- "do what we say or you're a traitor and we'll kill you."
Chinese people- "ok, ok, we love you...please don't shoot me..."

American government- "do what we say or life will be inconvienient and uncomfortable, and you'll be vulnerable to terrorists."
American people- *tears eyes away from TV* "ok, sure! that sounds reasonable, rights aren't really that important. fascism can't happen here, after all, we're Americans! now go away, Dancing with the Stars is on."

eventually China and the US will most likely be the two most powerful and and controlling empires in the world, they just go about it different ways. and what would normally descend into a new Cold War will be made more friendly by the influence of corporations who have business intrests in both countries. it won't help the oppressed people though.

[thewake]

I can say it again and again:
Until the US government has duped the people enough into letting them throw out the Bill of Rights, we'll still have a few basic inalienable freedoms that the Chinese don't have.
We'll still be able to speak our minds.

[Rebelnerd]

i think we're closer to that than they let on. soon i'm afraid that the Bill of Rights will just be used as an ironic figurehead, a way to reassure people that we are in fact, the "good guys" in whatever war they cook up next even though the essential principles of the Bill are gone or loopholed beyond recognition. when the US becomes a dictatorship, the people will still deeply believe that they are free and because of this will see no reason to fight back.

[Will]

I've always known that school was really stupid, that it was a waste of time and that I wanted to do other things instead. I could never get myself not to do the work because I was always afraid of what would happen. Recently, after having read more on the subject, really realized that school was keeping me from better things and that school was totally pointless. I had previously thought this, but now I really feel it and don't care at all. It's an amazing feeling.

My parents are still just like yours, but I'm able to pass much of the stress onto them by accepting everything they say and acting like I accept that I'm a stupid failure. I'm still afraid of my parents, but I'm not really afraid of bad grades, so I can't get myself to worry about schoolwork anymore.

[thewake]

Rebelnerd Wrote:i think we're closer to that than they let on. soon i'm afraid that the Bill of Rights will just be used as an ironic figurehead, a way to reassure people that we are in fact, the "good guys" in whatever war they cook up next even though the essential principles of the Bill are gone or loopholed beyond recognition. when the US becomes a dictatorship, the people will still deeply believe that they are free and because of this will see no reason to fight back.

I realize that that is happening, but I would still rather live here, in a democracy with free speech, than China, with open intolerance to opinions contradicting their government. At least I do have a few basic freedoms here.

Fact in action: I'm posting on this site.

[Rebelnerd]

so is she. the difference is that if a Chinese citizen is caught doing it they are punished or deported. if an American does is their name, phone #, adress and search data is added to a massive database run by private corporations because they have less limits on that kind of thing (all for "consumer conveniance of course), and the government can check that out whenever they want and use it is evidence against you without you ever even knowing it.

yeah, China is more blatantly oppressive to it's people. but America is heading that way only more subtly, and I don't think we should have to choose the (slightly) lesser of two evils when dealing with something this important. i see where you're coming from, but there are other countries in the world besides the US and China who do give more rights to their people (unless they later get absorbed into the new empires).

[thewake]

I'd rather live in Ireland, maybe Australia.

But my ultimate goal:
Move to one of those war torn African countries and liberate their peoples!!!!

That was random...

Still, the US at least has the security of nukes and a big ass army.

[Rebelnerd]

the prescence of nukes is about as far from security as you can get.

[youvebeenthunderstruck]

Rebelnerd Wrote:the prescence of nukes is about as far from security as you can get.

[thewake]

Rebelnerd Wrote:the prescence of nukes is about as far from security as you can get.

I dunno, maybe for the rest of the world...