Yet another Jokes Thread

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A blonde walks along the High Street and notices a sign pointing down an alley which reads "Cruise Special - Only £59"

She goes down this little seedy alley and at the end of it is a dingy travel agents.

She goes in and puts £59 on the counter.

"I'd like that cruise special!" she says

The guy promptly leads her into the back room, straps her onto a great pig plastic tube, carries it and her down to the river and throws her in.

Another blonde sees the sign, goes down the alley, and she too asks for the £59 Cruise Special. The same thing happens to her.

As both dizzy blondes float down the river, one turns to the other and says "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The other replies, "Well, they didn't last year!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A wee Clydeside man, who has worked in the shipyards all his life, wins on the Pools and decides to do something they could never have dreamed of doing - take a trip on one of the ships he helped build - the QE2.

Now as it is a once in a lifetime event, he goes the whole hog and takes one of the best staterooms. Naturally the captain when he hears one of the men who built her is on board they are invited to the captain's table. At the table is an immensely wealthy Kelvinside lady and she regards the pair as frightfully amusing.

"And hev you sailed on the ship many times before?" she asks.

"Naw," says our wee man's wife, excitement in her voice, "This is oor furst time!"

"Oh I see," drawls the Kelvinside lady,"my husband and I make this trip three times every year."

"Three times? Every year!?" squeaks the wee worker's wife, "how d'ye manage it?"

The lady coughs politely and says very archly, "My husband works for Cunard you know."

"Well," spits out the wee worker's wummin, "Mah man works f***in hard tae, but we don't brag aboot it!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man comes in from work one day to find his newlywed wife sitting, looking very troubled.

"Whatever is the matter darling?" he asks

"Oh dear, I don't know how you are going to take this." she says, "but, well, you know how we have just got used to hearing two pairs of feet in this house."

"Ye-es." says her husband

"Well, what if I told you we could soon be hearing three pairs of feet? Would that make you happy?"

The man jumps up delighted, "Oh of course my darling, of course! Oh this is wonderful news, so soon after our wedding too!"

"Oh I am so glad" she exclaims and pecks him on the nose, "And so will mother be, when she hears you don't mind her coming to stay with us!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Danny has known Katie for a number of years, and was always secretly in love with her. But he dared not talk to her of marriage, he was also terrified of asking her for a date, because he was afraid he would look desperate.

Truth to tell, she felt exactly the same way.

So for years this tragic couple, who could have been happily married, raised kids and now be sitting with little grandchildren around them, kept each other's love for the other apart.

This went on as their friends grew up, found the love of their lives and live blissfully together, but poor Danny and poor Katie were so fearful of looking desperate, they simply wandered in painful loneliness into middle age.

One evening Danny was looking at photos of himself as a young, handsome man and compared them with how he looked now. True he had a little bit more tummy, and his hair was kinda grey, but in that distinguished way. He felt it was time he stopped this fear of how Katie would respond. Did he want to wait until they were old, crumbling and senile?

The time was now, so he picked up the phone and called her. When she answered he straight away popped the question, just to be sure he asked it before his nerves got the better of him.

"Katie, will you marry me?" he asked, his voice quivering with emotions.

"Yes, oh yes, oh yes!" shrilled the delighted Katy "Of course I will. Oh, yes, and let it be soon! Tomorrow if need be. Oh yes!"

There was silence as their hearts lifted and surged on this wonderful moment, broken only when Katy asked, very gently.

"Beg pardon... but who is this?"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A guy is talking to his friend about credit cards.

"I had mine stolen two months ago." says one.

"Stolen? Oh God, how terrible!" says his concerned friend, "Have you told the police?"

"Nope."

"Why for heaven's sake?" says his friend aghast

"Well," the other guy says," my last two statements show me he's spending less than my wife did!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man goes into wish his son goodnight but finds he is fast asleep already, but having a nightmare. He gently wakes the boy up and asks him what his nightmare was.

"Oh daddy, I dreamt Aunt Elsie died!" he replies terrified. Daddy assures him Auntie Elsie is find and the boy goes back to sleep

Next day they learn that Auntie Elsie died.

A month later much the same thing happens only the little boy tells his daddy that he dreamt grandma had died. Daddy says grandma is fine fit and healthy and the little boy goes back to sleep.

Next day grandma dies.

Another month goes by and our little chap has another nightmare. Daddy wakes him up and the little boy screams "I dreamt daddy died!"

His father is terrified and the whole of the next day he is in a sweat. He doesn't go to work in case his car crashes, he refuses to eat anything in case he cuts himself with a knife, or gets food poisoning. He just sits in the chair, won't turn on the TV in case it blows up. All day he long he remains motionless except for the sweat trickling down his face. His wife comes home from her work and he says

"Oh my dear what a day I have had!"

She says "You think you're having a bad day? I just heard the milkman dropped dead."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night "with the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, as always, one leads to two, which leads to rounds, which leads to a huge pub crawl and drunk as hell, the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning she asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times, and then sang 'Danny Boy'."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

I have a headache

2000 B.C.

Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D.

That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D.

That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D.

That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D.

That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D.

That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A doctor, who is rather henpecked, is sitting bored as usual, watching the rotten soaps his wife always watches and wishes something good would happen, like the floor gave way and swallowed her, when the phone rings.

He picks it up and it is one of the other doctors from their practice.

"Listen, Bob," his fellow GP says, "Roger can't make the poker game tonight, so we really need a fourth."

At this Dr Bob says (very loudly), "What's happend? No,no,no, don't worry, I understand. I'll be straight over, you can depend on me!"

With that he puts the phone down, his wife says, "Oh my, that sounded serious!"

"Terrible my dear," says the doctor struggling into a coat and reaching for his hat, "so serious, three doctors are already on the scene!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man who normally was a very prim, well groomed little old gentleman is in hospital for an uncomfortably embarrassing bowel complaint.

After his third day there, and doubtless as a result of the medication, and probably the hospital food, he feels a very strong desire to visit the bathroom umpteen times throughout the night.

But on each visit to the bathroom there is no joy and he get's thoroughly embarrassed as people wake up to see him tottering to the said utility every thirty minutes or so.

After about twelve attempts he decides to ignore the next 'knock at the door' as he feels it will just be another waste of time and only a further cause of embarrassment to his pride.

What a mistake!

Instead of pained nothing he suddenly fills his bed with three days worth of diarrhea. Utterly embarrassed to the point of mental torture and lack of all rationale, he gathers up the foiled bedclothes and chucks them out the hospital window.

Meanwhile down below a little drunk man is staggering his way home taking a short cut through the hospital grounds when the soiled mess of bedclothes falls on top of him. Screaming and yelling he fights with whatever the hell it was that landed on him for some time, before finally casting off the heap onto the ground at his feet.

A security guard has been watching all of this and is near doubled up with supressed laughter at the drunk's predicament.

He nonetheless straightens his face and with the hope of getting more laughs out of him, asks the drunk what was going on?

The drunk, still looking cross-eyed down at the filthy bedclothes, says "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A guy goes into one of these emporium type of shops situated at the corner of a street of terraced houses.

He sees a display of remote controls.

"How much for one of those?" he asks the guy behind the counter.

"Fifty pence." the guys says.

"Fifty pence? I take it they are not very good!" the man laughs

"Not at all. The best you can get - will control any TV you want." the man says perfectly seriously.

The guy buys one and then sees a DVD player and asks how much that is.

"A pound." the guys says without so much as a flicker of emotion.

"A pound?!" the customer says, "It must be junk."

"Nope." says the guy with grim seriousness, "The very best, will read any disc you put in, it also doubles up as a karaoke machine."

"I'll take the lot!" the guy says thinking to test him out.

"Sure, got your car with you? Here, take my mobile and phone all your friends and tell them about this sale - must end today." He holds out the mobile, his face straight as a die.

"I certainly will thanks, but look, I don't understand what's going on here." the man says as he starts dialing the first of his mates.

"Well," says the poker faced guy, leaning across the counter. He jerks his thumb upwards "My boss is upstairs with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants don't you?

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... Good idea - You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Why did the man cross the road?

She said... He heard the chicken was a slut.

He said... What do men and sperm have in common?

She said... They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

He said... How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

She said... He buys two cases of beer.

He said... What is the difference between men and government bonds?

She said... The bonds mature.

He said... Why are blonde jokes so short?

She said... So men can remember them.

He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?

She said... They already have boyfriends.

He said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

She said... A widow.

He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said... Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man gets shipwrecked and is the only survivor.

He finds himself on a desert island and is there for years, no ship ever comes by and after a time he thinks to himself he'll just need to get used to it. But how he misses the comforts of home and all the fun things he used to do.

One morning he sees a speck on the horizon and he thinks it's just an halluciation, but no, it gets closer and closer and yes, it's a lovely sleek sailing boat.

It comes into the bay and he is astonished to see it is being sailed by an astonishingly beautiful woman, with tresses of golden hair, full womanhood everywhere! It's like a dream.

She sees him and smiles the most gorgeous of smiles.

"Why hello!" she says, "if I had known you were here I would have visited a long time ago. Are there still a lot of mangos on this island?"

"Why yes, it's practically all I eat!" says the man.

"Oh good, my island doesn't grow them you see."

He helps her fill her boat with mangos and she invites him to come and stay with her.

"I live alone." she says

He pinches himself as he steps onto the boat

"You must have good boatbuilders on your island." he says, caressing the lovely polished woodwork

"Oh no, when I say alone, I mean completely alone. I'm the only inhabitant of the island."

"How did you come by this boat then?" he asks.

"Oh, I built it myself." she says dismissively as she hauls the sails up.

He is in absolute wonder at this clever, beautiful creature, but his wonder knows no bounds when they arrive at her island, and there close to the shore is a stunning villa.

"Wow!" he says, "you were lucky landing here with that lovely house and all."

"Oh," she says looking puzzled, "but it wasn't here, I built it myself."

He goes into the house with her and it is fabulous. Wimpey couldn't have built better (actually, I guess that isn't such a compliment)

"Would you care for a drink?" she asks, "My mango spirits I distilled a few years ago will be just right for drinking."

So saying she pours two glasses, He sips at it, then gulps it down! No whisky, or gin, or vodka ever had such a wonderful effect.

"Wow!" he says, "that's amazing."

"I'll bet you could die for a cigarette too!" she smiles.

"You mean-"

"Yes," she purrs rather embarrassed, "I found a plant here that makes a very passable cigarette when dried and chopped up."

"You're not joking!" he exclaims after his first drag, "Heavenly!"

He is so amazed by this woman's skills that he doesn't notice at first that music is playing.

"I can hear music!" he says, "how is that?"

"Oh I built a gramophone, a bit rough, but it works. I made the records out of flat highly polished stones and with a diamond and a rough bit of apparatus I slung together using bones, sinews and plant fibres managed to get it to cut the stones whilst I played on a seashell horn. Not perfect of course, but, well," she sighs, "you need to do your best don't you?"

In the company of this woman, with drink, cigarettes and wafting music he forgets he is miles from civilisation.

She meanwhile is not forgetting she might be smart, but she is all woman, and he seems incredibly handsome after all these years she has been alone.

"Listen," she says, "we have the drinks, the cigarettes, and the music. We could be in a bar together, couldn't we?" and she giggles.

He giggles too!

"Well, after a few drinks, wouldn't we want to have some REAL fun together?"

"WOW!!!!!!!!" the guy nearly drops his drinks as he looks round the room wildly, "Don't tell me you've built a pool table in here as well?"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She said smiling, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. "What's your business role at the convention?

"Lecture," she responded, "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some to the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Four guys are out for a spot of golf, one of them is detained a bit in the clubhouse whilst the other three prepare to tee off.

As they wait for their friend they begin discussing their sons and their respective fortunes.

"Well," says the first man, "my sone has his own construction business and is doing pretty well at it, in fact, so well, he was able to gift one of his houses to a friend."

The second one is not to be outdone, "My son has a large luxury car dealership, he is so successful that he managed to gift a friend two Mercedes"

The third one says, "Well, my son is in the stock market doing extremely well, so well in fact he could give a friend of his a very lucrative portfolio as a gift."

The fourth chap then appears and the guys tell him how they were discussing their sons and how well they'd been doing.

"Well," says the fourth, "My son has just been a humble hairdresser all his life and I recently found out he was gay. Mind you he's doing well. His last three boyfriends between them have given him a house, two Mercedes and a large stock market portfolio."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Hughie goes out with his mates one night and gets totally blootered.

He goes home very late, making for his bed.

Next morning he wakes up. Next to the bed is a big bottle of chilled water plus aspirins. Next to that is a card which reads:

"Morning honey, you'll find breakfast downstairs waiting. I am off to the shops, all my love, your darling wife."

He starts to shake, wondering what on earth she's up to.

He goes downstairs and sure enough, keeping warm in the oven is a plate of his favourite breakfast - ham, eggs, tattie scones, beans, fried tomatoes and fried pudding. The kitchen is spotless and a vase of flowers has been placed lovingly on the table.

His teenage daughter is having breakfast too. Nervously Hughie asks her;

"What one earth is your mother doing all this for? What's she up to?"

"Well," says his daughter, "you came in at 3am, woke up the entire house, including the dog who barked furiously. You stood on the cat's tail, it shrieked and ran out the door you left open and hasn't come back."

"Oh no!" Hughie groans.

"Wait!" says his daughter, "there's more. You fell onto the telephone stand and wrecked it, pulling the phone lines out and everything. You're clothes were filthy and ripped and your shoes were caked in mud and dogs dirt - obviously you went through the park - all that got trod into the stair carpet as you hauled yourself up the stairs, taking off and chucking your clothes everywhere until you were totally naked. Then you puked up on the floor.

"Then when mum tried to grab you and pull you into the bedroom, you said 'Back off woman! I'm married!'"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

An airplane is crossing the Atlantic when it hits a violent thunderstorm and torrential winds and rain. The airliner is buffetted around like a toy, and the experience was terrifying. Worse than that, ominous creaks came from the wings of the aircraft, intensifying the fear of passengers and crew alike.

One woman could stand it no longer, With tears streaming down her face, she cried "I can't just sit here like this! Will any man on this hellish flight come beside me and treat me like a woman. If I am going to die I want to do so feeling 100% woman!"

A very handsome man rose up from his seat - tall, dark and frighteningly good looking - and with panther like movements approached the woman, unbuttoning his shirt as did so.

"I'll make you feel like a woman" he said, "here, iron this."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A Labour MP of some high standing eventually comes to the end of his earthly career and stands at the pearly gates.

"Hmm," says St Peter, "I'm afraid it's not so clear cut with you high and mighty types, seeing as you had such a good innings. You need to tell us where you want to go"

"Here" says the astonished politician,"here of course"

"Sorry, rules are rules," says St Peter," you need to go to hell first, then come up here for a while and decide for yourself."

So into the lift he goes and it goes all the way down to hell. The doors open and he is rather surprised. He is in the middle of a perfect golf course, and he wanders over to the club house. All his friends are there chatting to Old Nick. All look devastatingly attractive, youthful, as they should have been were it not for the vicissitudes of bad genes, poor health, bad diet or age. All around was luxury and plenty, all were dressed in the most sparkling and becoming of evening wear. Drinks were poured and the evening wore on, but no one wore out. The heady high remained so, no anger, no bad feeling and he left the party in the dazzling company of someone he had always lusted after in life. In the morning he felt refreshed and ready to go. He played golf - and won, he went to the races, and won and just as the glitterati were assembling for another party, he was suddenly summoned upstairs.

Up he went into the lift and ascended to heaven.

"Now you must spend a day here" said St Peter to the politician.

It was all in all very pleasant, Everything was bright and clean and peaceful, filled with delightful young people who played harps, sang praises and did the most wonderful chants. Rivers were of the most wonderful water, and little birds and animals delighted the eye.

When the day was done, St Peter asked him to make his decision - heaven, or, the other place.

"Well, no offence St Peter, this is all very nice and stuff, but, I did prefer, much to my astonishment, the other place."

"Very well" St Peter said gravely, "but remember, there is no coming back."

Bursting with excitement our front bencher went into the lift and descended joyfully to hellish eternity.

When the doors opened, he got the shock of his life. Where there was a golf course was now a barren land, the club house a smoking ruin, and his friends were all ugly, old, mis-shaped and in rags and they spent their time picking vile rubbish from the ruins of the landscape.

"But, but, but..."

The Devil sidled up to him

"Welcome to hell!"

"But it was so different yesterday!" the politician protested

"Oh yes, but you see" the Devil explained, "yesterday we were campaigning - today, you voted!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked:

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered:

"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded:

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Prince Edward is awaiting to hear news of the Countess's imminent new baby.

A servant comes to see him and is a bit troubled looking.

"Did you know, Your Highness, that the Countess had a medium in today to ask of the future for the new baby?"

"Yes, I heard someone came, some wierd person!" replied the Prince, "I didn't bother asking the Countess about it, because, well, it's all stuff and nonsense! And furthermore, we don't want to know whether it's a boy or girl until the little thing makes it's appearance in the world."

"Well, I would be concerned to know, sir, " said the servant, "this medium is said to be the best, and she says that her guide tells her that if a boy is born, it means the father dies shortly after, if a girl is born, the mother dies shortly after, and if it is twins, a servant dies immediately."

The Prince dismisses the nonsense and him, and tells him not to bother him again with such rubbish. In fact, only see him again that night if he gets word of the birth.

The servant comes running into the Prince's study in a state of great agitation, announcing,

"Your highness it is a boy!" and drops dead.

[Trekkie_Aspie]

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. Had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.



Candidate B

Kicked out of office twice, rises from bed at 11am, used opium in college and drinks champange, brandy and whisky to excess every day.



Candidate C

A decorated war hero. Vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.



Which of these candidates would be your choice?



Scroll down only after you have made an intelligent decision...





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Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A certain forgetful and rather boring wee minister went to a special service one day at a new church, where a very charismatic preacher was giving forth. The minister was very impressed with the oratory, but especially so when the guest preacher delivered the following:

"You know, I spent the best years of my life in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." The assembly gasped as he let the words sink in. With a glint in his eye he said "And she was my mother."

The crowd laughed fulsomely at this and the wee minister, as he made his way home, decided he would try out this humour business at his own service the very next day.

Well, telling jokes was never his strong point and he got rather flustered. He began well.

"I want to tell you all today that I spent the best years of my life in the arms of a woman who was not my wife."

The congragation sat bolt upright (for once) and shocked whispers buzzed around the church as they stared incredulously at their spiritual leader.

Confused, and thoroughly embarrassed, he could not remember the punchline, and had to admit lamely.

"And even worse, I have forgotton who she was now."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Our Lord Jesus Christ was taking a walk around Heaven, it was a beautiful day, as all days in Heaven are, and he was more than distressed to see an old man sitting on Heavenly kerbside looking very sad indeed.

"My friend," says Christ to him, "Why do you look so sad, know ye not that ye are in Heaven?"

The old man stares fixatedly at his feet, "Ah, that may be so, but I cannot find my son. I was but a lowly carpenter, he and I were parted when I was yet a young man and I thought I may find him here off all places, but alas!"

At this Christ was much moved and with tears in his eyes he exclaimed "Oh, my earthly father!"

To which the old man jumped up and hugged him

"Oh, Pinnochio!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

There were two brothers who lived in a small town. Both were greedy, grasping, selfish, idle and stinking rich from a variety of dodgy 'concerns' they controlled.

But they went to church and to all intents and purposes were the perfect Christians; but only they believed their own deceit and the old minister - everyone else knew them for what they were and despised their hypocrisy.

But then the old minister died and a new one was put in place - he saw through the two brothers immediately and, like his parishioners, couldn't stand them - man of the cloth though he was.

All of a sudden one of the brothers died and a lavish funeral was to be held.

The surviving brother came to the minister one day and with creeping unctiousness asked if the minister would like a few thousand pounds to pay for a new roof the church badly needed.

"Why yes," said the minister carefully, rightly suspecting a catch - and there was!

"Well, I am prepared to write a cheque here and now for the entire repair, if you promise to say to the congregation at my brother's funeral he was a saint."

The minister agreed and took the cheque and cashed it.

On the funeral day, the minister delivered the dead man's character!

"He was a scheming, two-faced, evil son of Satan, he lied and cheated his way through life, gathering about him all the most despicable people you would never like to meet or associate with, he bled them dry as he pretended to be their friend, he dabbled in the most disgusting of 'businesses', and was a leech to society."

The congregation gasped with a mixture of surprise and admiration, and especially when he kept his promise and added,

"But compared to his brother, he was a saint!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

The Mother Superior is striding through the corridors of the convent when one of the nuns on passing her said, "I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning, Mother Superior."

Puzzled at this she walks on, when another nun says, "Morning Mother Superior, I see you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Every nun she passes says this to her and eventually she snaps, "Sister! Will you please explain why you and everyone else think there's a problem with me. Everyone's telling me I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Why?"

"Because Mother Superior, " said the nun, "You're wearing Father Murphy's boots!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Three nuns are called to the Mother Superior and she informs them that as they are so pure and chaste they will never understand fully what sinning and forgiveness are.

"Now sisters, I believe the best way to understand this whole concept fully, each of you go out tomorrow and commit a little sin. Something that will make you feel ashamed. Alright then? And then come and see me at 5 o'clock next to the font."

So the next day the Nuns commit their little sins and gather at the font at five o'clock.

Two of them are very red-faced with shame and their heads are hung low. The third one is giggling.

The Mother Superior arrives and asks the first nun what sin she had committed.

"Oh Mother Superior, I feel awful, I picked some flowers from an old lady's garden."

The third one is still giggling.

The Mother Superior says to the first one, "That's all right child, you feel guilt and shame, quite so. Now, go to the font and drink a cup of Holy Water and that will cleanse you of your sin so that you may understand forgiveness."

The third nun's giggles are such that her shoulders are quivering and shaking uncontrollably.

"Now," says the Mother Superior as she tries to quell the giggling nun with a sharp stare, "And now you Sister Bridget" she says to the second shame faced nun.

"Oh Mother Superior, I stole a little boys sweets. I feel terrible.

(By now the third nun is laughing uncontrollably.)

"That's as it should be Sister Bridget, you understand sin, now go take a drink of Holy Water."

Now the third nun is on the floor, clutching her sides and rolling about, tears streaming her face as she howls with laughter.

"Sister Mary! Stop and that and tell me your sin," the Mother Superior commanded her.

The third nun can hardly talk with the laughter, but she manages to say:

"I peed in the Holy Water!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

The great faith healer Loopa Loo comes to the Kelvin Hall and has a packed house. The evening is going along well and reaches the climax where Loo asks for the afflicted to come forward to be healed. This evening there are just two unfortunate souls.

First up is Sanny.

Loo: What is your name and what is your affliction?
Sanny: Thanny. I canny talk right.
Loo: Sanny, go behind the curtain and we’ll all pray for you.

Next is Mrs. Wilson who staggers forward on her crutches.

Loo: What is your name and what is your affliction?
Mrs. Wilson: I canny walk right.
Loo: Mrs. Wilson, go behind the curtain and we’ll pray for you.

Loo then leads the whole assembly in the most outstanding prayers and the atmosphere raises to a fever pitch.

Loo: Mrs Wilson, throw away one of your crutches.

One of the crutches flies over the curtain and descends with a crash.

Loo: Mrs Wilson, throw away your other crutch.

The second crutch flies over the curtain and descends with a crash.

Loo: OK, Sanny, say something.

Sanny: Mithith Wilthon’th fell on her bum.

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A nun is travelling along the road in the convent's Mini when she realises that the fuel gauge needle is very low. She despairs as in the middle of a very long lonely road the car splutters to a halt.

Being a very good and devout nun she does the only thing possible, she gets on her knees and prays to God for assistance.

Next thing she sees a tanker heading towards her!

"Oh praise be to God!" she whispers as it comes alongside of her.

She explains her predicament to the driver who scratches his head.

"Listen sister," he says ruefully, "the fuel cap on that Mini is tiny, and the end of the fuel hose is much to big. D oyou have anything we can use to pour the petrol into?"

She roots around in the back of the Mini and finds a child's potty that had been left behind after a school trip.

"Perfect!" says the driver and he carefully undoes the nozzle just a little and lets the petrol three quarters fill the chamber pot.

"Thank you!" says the delighted nun and as the young tanker driver speeds away she gingerly pours the yellowy liquid into the Mini's fuel tank.

Just as she is shakily undertaking her delicate task, along comes the Rev Ian Paisley in his big black, bullet proofed limousine. As it draws up to a crawl, the Rev booms out the window at her;

"Sister, I abominate your religion, but by God I have to admit it, I admire yer faith!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by ship and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do".

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously...

"What part did you get?"