Yet another Jokes Thread

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A priest was left to the parish a donkey by one of his farming flock. Puzzled as to what to do with it he tethered it next to the chapel until he could figure out the beast's future. Some kids, being mischevious, loosened the donkey and went riding on it.

Imagine the priests shock when one of his parishioners comes in and tells him, and adds "And by God can that beast fly - I've never seen anything like it!"

He and the priest run down to the field the kids are riding the donkey in, and sure enough, this ass just goes like a two year old.

"Listen father," says the awe-struck parishioner, "I know this might be sinful, but you know that roof needs replacing? Well, you could enter this thing in the big county horse race and WIN!"

The priest doesn't know what to think, but then thinks "Heck, why not!"

The donkey doesn't do as well as they thought, but nonetheless were delighted it came third next to all these prize horses. The following day the newspaper carried the headline:

"PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS"

Encouraged the priest enters him in the next big race and this time the donkey wins. The headline the next day was:

"PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT"

Our innocent priest saw no harm in it, but the bishop, being a bit more worldy, found the headlines offensive to the church and ordered the priest not to put the donkey into any more races.

The newspapers read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS"

This incensed the bishop, so he told the priest to get rid of the donkey by donating it to the local convent where it might be put to best use.

The headlines read:

"MOTHER SUPERIOR HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted.

He ordered the Mother Superior to sell the thing. She sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The paper stated: "MOTHER SUPERIOR SELLS HERE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS".

They buried the Bishop the next day.....

[Trekkie_Aspie]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

I am forwarding a marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, one died, which are baptised on a half piece of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get the money.

Mrs. Jones has had no clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by the preacher.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

I am very annoyed to find out you branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

I answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 5 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had my relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immorral life.

You changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor to help him.

[Trekkie_Aspie]

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Two teenagers are out on a rampage on an American highway.

A state trooper catches up with them and he approaches the driver.

The kid says, "Okay, what's the problem?"

Without a word he smacks the kid on the head with his flashlight, the kid yells and asks what that was all about.

"THAT was for speaking to a state trooper before being spoken to and THIS" he fetches another crack on the kid's head with the flashlight "is for not saying 'sir' to a state trooper.

He then slowly goes round to the other side of the car and lands a crack with the flashlight onto the other kid's head

"Ow, what was that for, I didn't do or say anything - sir."

"Just fulfilling your wish, that's all" drawls the state trooper.

"Fulfilling my wish, sir?"

"Yup. I guarantee you'd have gone a hundred yards down the highway before turning to your friend saying "I wish he had hit ME with that darned flashlight!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, Stranger" greeted the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff", returned the cowpoke.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted the horse's tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's ass. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and headed straight toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister", said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff, 'cause I got me some powerful chapped lips.", the cowboy replied.
"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
The cowboy turned back toward the saloon and without missing a beat explained, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin''em!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

(Personally speaking, this is the funniest joke in the world!)


A guy owns a horse farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A guy goes into a bar with his pet monkey, Everyone finds the thing adorable and funny until it jumps up onto the pool table and starts swallowing the pool balls.

"Hey!" yells the bar owner to the man, "That damn monkey's swallowed five of my cue balls, get him out of here!"

A month later the guy comes back, but this time the keeps the monkey on a leash so the bar owner let's him stay.

The guy gets a packet of peanuts for the monkey. The monkey takes one, shoves it up his bum then takes it out and eats it.

"Do you know your monkey stuck a peanut up its arse then ate it?" says the bar owner.

"Yes," replies the man, "Ever since the cue balls incident, he checks everything for size!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man has a lovely little dog that he is very fond of, but he is worried because he can't seem to train it not to pee on the furniture.

"I mean," he says to his friend, "I have tried everything to train him not to, but when the call comes he just cocks his leg against the sofa and pees on it.

"Hmmm," says his friend, "tell me, does he ever walk in front of you?"

"Never." says the man, "He always walks a pace behind."

"I've got your answer. Your dog needs to be shown by example, and as you are the master, he can only learn from your actions. So what to do is take him someplace lonely where there are treeS, and let him see you pee against a tree. The next time he feels the need, he'll want to do what you did when you peed."

"Brilliant!" the guy says.

The next week he meets his friend again.

"Well, did you go do what I suggested?" his friend asks.

"Oh yes, I did. I peed on a tree whilst he watched me very intently."

"So, when he feels the need, I bet he wants to pee against that tree, following your example."

"Oh follows my example all right!" the man exclaims.

His friend smiles, "There, glad to have helped."

"No, you don't understand. He still pees on the sofa - the difference is HE STANDS UP ON TWO LEGS TO DO IT!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A guy is sitting on a plane, waiting for take off when another man comes in with a lovely big labrador.

The lab sits in the middle seat.

"He must be special!" the guy says to the other man. He in turn explains that the dog IS special, both of them work for the airline, the dog is a specially trained sniffer do.

"When we are up in the air, I'll show you." the dog handler says.

When airborne, the guy says to the do, "Sniffer, search!" The dog jumps down onto the aisle and proceeds to sniff. It stops at a woman, sits beside her and puts a paw on her lap.

"She thinks he's just being friendly, they all do. " the man whispers to the passenger, "but I know she is in possession of dope. I'm taking a note of her and her seat number, to give to the cops who will be waiting when we land."

"Wow!" says our man, "that's clever!"

The dog is sent out again and he stops next to a man, sits, wags his tail and puts both paws on the man's lap. While the guy is delightedly giving the friendly old dog a pat and ear ruffle, the handler says, "He just sent out the signal that means the guy has heroin. Again, his seat number is noted for the waiting police."

When the dog returns, he sends him out again. This time the dog travels right up to the back of the plane. With a terrific howl the dog streaks back, jumps into his seat and poos all over it. The stink is awful! The dog sists there quivering like crazy.

"What's up with that stupid mutt!" our man exclaims, looking down at his poo-splattered Armani suit.

"Er," says the handler, "I think he's found a bomb!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Three Florida ladies are bragging about this and that, trying to outdo each other, when the subject goes to their dogs. Naturally all of them consider theirs the smartest of all.

"Why," says one lady, "my little dog is SO smart, he can tap his little paw on the ground once to say he wants a biscuit, twice to say he wants to go out, three times to say he wants his dinner."

"I know all that" says the third of the trio.

The first one ignores her, obviously she was jealous and could retort nothing else!

The second one says, "Well, yes, that sure IS smart, but my little poochums is MUCH smarter. He uses the telephone keypad to communicate with me. He presses button one to let me know he wants out, button two to say he wants fed, button three he would like a treat, button four because he wants to go to the park, and so on."

She sits back quite satisfied.

The thirds says, "Huh, I know all that,"

The other two round on her for being so rude.

"Anyways, how DO you know all that."

The third replies, "Cos my dog told me and he wet himself laughing as he did!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She cried, "£150
just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
£150.00."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Paddy is walking along a street in Glasgow which he is visiting for the day, when he sees a sign that reads "Trousers - £2 Shirts - £1"

"Wow!" says Paddy, "I could make a fortune out of that by buying loads of them and selling them at the market back home."

So he goes in and asks to buy ten pairs of trousers and ten shirts.

"Er, I am afraid I can't do that sir." says the assistant

"What?" yells Paddy, "You've got a sign out there advertising them so you're going to have to sell me them!"

"I can't sell you them sir." says the assistant.

"Oh I see," says Paddy, "Not wanting to sell to a common Irishman is it? Only sell to the locals is it? Think my money isn't good enough, is that the way of it now?"

"No sir, none of those." says the assistant quietly.

"Well," screams the by now completely enraged Paddy, "Why won't you sell me them then?"

"Becuase sir, " the assistant replies quietly, "This is a dry cleaners!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Dear Sir

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous and after 9 years of marriage and 12 children (not counting the
one on the way), I have come to the conclusion that contraception is
totally useless.

After getting married, I was advised by the priest to use the RHYTHM
METHOD. Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
ruptured myself doing the cha-cha. Since priests don't generally have much
cause to know about birth control I spoke to my doctor who suggested using
the SAFE PERIOD. At the time we were still living with my in-laws and had
to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty; needless to
say, this didn't work.

The doctor also mentioned the BILLINGS METHOD which was fairly successful
as my wife didn't get pregnant, but then I've never heard of anyone getting
pregnant by a thermometer. We had to give this up because she wasn't very
satisfied and frankly I was getting bored.

A mate at work told me that PULLING OUT ON TIME stopped his wife from
having children. Although I set the alarm clock carefully, it didn't help -
sometimes I got bored waiting for it to ring and pulled out early,
sometimes it rang too soon and I had to hurry to finish. At least my wife
could tell the doctor the exact time she conceived.

A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love WHILE
BREAST-FEEDING we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I
did end up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt healthy. But my wife was
pregnant again. Another mate said that if my wife JUMPED UP AND DOWN AFTER
INTERCOURSE, it would prevent pregnancy. This she did, but what with all
the earlier breast-feeding, she ended up with 2 black eyes and eventually
knocked herself out. As for doing it STANDING UP, my wife is 6 foot 3 and I
am 5 foot 3 and kept falling off the box I had to stand on to do it.

I finally resorted to non-natural birth control and asked the Chemist about
the SHEATH. The Chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a
packet. My wife fell pregnant almost immediately, which didn't surprise me;
I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb (as the Chemist showed
me) can prevent babies. The Chemist also sold me some SPERMICIDAL CREAM.
This is all very well, but have you ever tried to catch the buggers and rub
the cream in? We also tried the SPONGE which was advertised as a new
method. She washed with it every night, but it didn't seem to make any
difference. For all the good it did she might as well have stuffed it up
her fanny.

My wife was then fitted with the COIL and after several unsuccessful
attempts to fit it, we realised that we had got a left hand thread and my
wife is definitely a right hand screw. The DUTCH CAP came next and we were
very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But
alas, it did give my wife a headache. We were given the largest size
available, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

In view of our problems, our Doctor gave us the new-fangled VAGINAL RING
which was on trial at the time. He told my wife to keep it in place for a
month. This was hard to do as it was too big for her finger and she had to
keep her hands clenched to keep it on. Despite clenching her fists during
intercourse, she was soon in the family way again.

Finally I told her to go on the PILL so she took aspirin regularly. 1 now
know that claims of 99% safety for pills are just advertising blarney. At
least it cured the headaches she got from the Dutch Cap. Could you suggest
a more effective pill? Aspirin was the most convenient as it is readily
available etc, but we could try paracetamol or nurofen if you think it
would work better. Someone suggested holding the pill between her legs, but
this defeats the object of the exercise since it renders intercourse
impossible in all but the kinkiest of positions.

I thought about having a VASECTOMY, but I really don't see how wearing a
tie will make any difference; besides I already belong to the local Social
Club and can't afford membership subs for joining a vasectomy club. I also
understand that you join for life in order to get the tie and with the 12
kids this would put a great strain on our finances. At present we are
reduced to ORAL SEX, but I'm sure you'll agree that just talking about it
is no substitute for the real thing. You must appreciate my frustration and
our problem.

Yours pleadingly

Paddy O'Murphy

PS: Please can you advise me of the accuracy of PREGNANCY TESTING KITS? My
wife passed water over the sticks, but even when she was several months
gone they came up negative. We think this is because we live in a hard
water area and the sticks are designed for use in soft water areas. For all
the use they were, she might as well have pissed on them.

[Trekkie_Aspie]

An Englishman, Scotmsan and Irishman all work at the same factory. Every lunchtime they open their packed lunches and eat their sandwiches outside the factory wall.

One day the Scotsman opens his and says with disgust, "Bloody cheese sandwiches, every day it's the same. If I get cheese sandwiches for my lunch tomorrow I'll give my wife hell!"

The Englishman says, "Me too, I'm fed up with them as well, that's all I ever get. I'll do something about it as well if it's the same tomorrow."

"I'm with yez there boys," the Irishman agrees, "bloody cheese sandwiches every day for me too."

The next day they meet up and, yet again all three have cheese sandwiches. The day after that the Scotsman said, "Well, I told her a thing or too, there'll be no more cheese sandwiches for me."

"Same here," says the Englishman, "She promises never to give me them again."

"I've been up the whole night arguing." replies the Irishman. The other two look at him with concern, "You mean your wife thinks it's reasonable for you to have cheese sandwiches every day and is prepare to argue all night about it, that's terrible!"

"Notatall boys," replies the Irishman, "I'm single, whit a divel it is to convince yourself you're right and wrong at the same time!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man in a pub is getting stinking drunk, with each drink he gets more and more vicious and for some reason his train of thoughts turn to the Irish.

"Show me an Irishman and I'll show ye a coward!" he bellows out suddenly. No-one takes him on at all. He repeats this all night until a gigantic big Irishman, all hair and teeth, comes through the door.

"I'm an Irishman!" this enormous fearsome fellow bellows back at our man.

"Are ye? Pleased tae meet ye," says our man sheepishly, "I'm the coward."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

An Irishman goes into a bar and orders a martini. He drinks it, takes out a jamjar and pops the olive into it.

He orders another and repeats the performance. He does this all night, collecting the olives as he goes.

Finally as he stands up, quite inebriated, his mate says, "Hey Mick, what was all that about then?"

Grinning Mick replies,

"Sure the wife sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

One day an Irishman came home from work to find his wife in bed with his best mate.

He was so distraught he fetched a pistol and pointed it at his own head as he stared at them.

His wife burst out laughing at this to which the Irishman said.

"Aye, laugh, go on wi ye' YOU'RE NEXT!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

Mickey Mouse is in court, up on a charge of wife-beating.

The judge looks down at Mickey with gravity written all over his face (his youngest had just learned the word at school and went to work with a crayon during his morning nap)

"Mickey," the judge said, "I am at a loss to understand you, you said that your wife complained she wasn't herself that day, so you beat her up? What kind of ma - I mean, mouse, beats up his wife because she's not feeling too bright?"

Mickey sighed, "Your honour, " he squeaked, "I said I beat her up because she was feeling goofy!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A tax inspector is supicious when he discovers that a man of allegedly modest means who pays little in the way of taxes, has suddenly moved to a very exclusive area.

Smelling a rat, he drives to this new address to see it is a very grand stone built villa.

"Just how did you afford this house, Mr Jones, on the income you tell us you have?"

"Well," said Mr Jones, "I was doing a spot of fishing and I catches this huge golden fish. When I took the hook from its mouth it spoke to me, saying ,"I am a magical golden fish. You can have one thing you wish for!"

"So I knew this was my only chance of affording a grand house, so I asked for a magnificent stone built villa. And, that's the way it happened."

The tax inspector peered at the man, "How can you prove such an impossible story?"

"Well," said Mr Jones, "You can see the villa, can't you?"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

“That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman”.

“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.

“Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A butcher is in his shop one day when a large dog bounds into the shop, grabs a prime silverside joint and runs off with it.

The butcher is mad as hell until he realises who's dog it is - an old enemy of his, the local lawyer.

He phones up the lawyer.

"Tell me," says the butcher, "If I told you that your dog came into my shop and stole a silverside joint, would you as the dog's legal owner not be responsible for the costs?"

"Of course" says the lawyer, "and he's just came in with it. So how much do I owe you?"

"Sixteen pounds thirty three" says the butcher, and is well chuffed.

The following day he gets a cheque in the mail from the lawyer for £16.33.

Attached is an invoice for £120 headed - "Legal Consultation Fee"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A lawyer is conducting a defence of his client on a murder charge. The case is going well for him, the evidence is sketchy, what there is of it, and his client has the innocent look of a handsome young man.

Unfortunately, this lawyer never knows when to realise he is ahead, and likes the sound of his own voice a bit too much, he is also cocky and far too clever.

Nearing the end when his largely sympathetic listeners in the jury have already decided to return a not guilty verdict he says,

"And furthermore, I have learned in the last few minutes that no murder was committed, indeed, within ten seconds, you will see that the victim is in fact alive! He will walk through that door - " and with a dramatic gesture, indicates the main door of the courtroom.

All eyes of the jury, in fact the whole courtroom, including the startled (and none too pleased) judge, swivel in that direction and a tense silence ensues.

Of course, nothing happens and the lawyer, tickled to bits by his own cleverness says,

"Well, there you are ladies and gentlemen, so flimsy is this case, that all of you believed the victim was alive and well. On such sketchiness, lack of evidence and your own intuition, I leave it to you to decide the only verdict possible, that is, my client is not guilty." and smug as hell he sits down.

The jury retire and when they return the deliver a unanimous verdict - GUILTY!

The lawyer is aghast and furious, he runs after the foreman after the sentence is passed.

"Wait up! All of you were convinced he was innocent - after all, every one of you turned to look at the door!"

"Yes," said the foreman, "all of us were convinced he was innocent. But not everyone looked at the door. One of us was looking at the accused - and he WASN'T looking at the door!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

An American captain meets up with his new First Officer and they don't get along very well.

"I have to tell you I don't like Chinese people" the captain tells him first off.

"Why you no like Chinese?" says the astonished wee man.

"Because you lot bombed Pearl Harbour!" thunders the irate master.

"No, no, no!" yells the Chinaman, "Japanese bomb Pearl Harbour, no Chinese!"

The captain is not impressed

"Japananese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ...all the same to me!" he bellows.

There is a silence of about twenty minutes as they stare away from each other.

"Me no like the Jews." the First Officer says suddenly.

The captain, being Jewish, is perturbed by this.

"Why don't you like the Jews?" he said

"Because Jewish people sink Titanic." returns the FO.

The captain bursts out laughing, "It was an iceberg that sunk the Titanic!" he says

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Speilberg, Rosenberg...all the same to me!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A young man of the Merchant Navy (and we may assume in days of yore before such things became fashionable in the Asian Pacific waters) is in a hostelry, not unlike the Benbow Inn, talking with an old sea dog, who, by chance, is a pirate.

He displays the classic attribues, or rather lack of them, in form of one leg, one hand, and one eye.

"Say old man" the young 'un asks at length, for the rum is good and fear and rum are strangers, "say, how come you only have the one leg, what happened to the other?"

"Haar-haaaargh!" the pirate returns as pirates are supposed to do, "I got that there out in the Arrrrtlantic I did, when this ol' shark begins a quaaaarel with me, haar-haaaaar. He got a mighty feast out of my port side leg I can tell 'ee"

"Gosh" remarked the young man, though he may have expressed himself more crudely, "you don't say, a shark bit your leg off."

"Haar-haaaaaar, young 'un, I do say"

"And your hook, I see you lost a hand?" the young man went one regarding the fearsom iron appendage that took the place of five digits

"Haar-haaaaaaaar lad, 'twas fighting the King's own men that happened. I were boardin these here tub filled with gold, when up pops His Majesty's tars and well, one swiped it clean off with a cutlass, before I dives into the sea and swims for me life m'boy and errrscapes to a treasure island"

"That neatly sews up the Hackneyed story" the young man thinks, "Almost"

"And your eye, old timer" he says aloud, "in what tale of daring do did you lose that piece of vital anatomy."

"Haar-haaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr" cried the pirate, "I gots that on account of a seagull shittin' in me eye!"

The young man, used now to tales of terror and fight, is a bit non-plussed.

"Seagull shit lost your eye?"

The pirate looked downcast

"Har, well, 'twas only the second day after I got this 'ere hook!"

[Trekkie_Aspie]

A cannibal goes on a world cruise, on the first night the waiter comes up to him and asks,

"Do you want to see the menu?"

The cannibal replies,

"No, bring me the passenger list."

[Trekkie_Aspie]

There's a piano bar in a swank establishment which has a wonderfully grand , grand piano, but unfortunately no-one to play it since the old pianist who played there for years passed on.

The owner is fretting as business declines. No-one has yet came up to scratch in the few applicants he has had. Thinking he'll just have to call the last guy who applied anyway, in comes a rather stinking looking, bedraggled old drunk. With tremulous hands he points to the advert in the newspaper he is carrying, advertising the post.

"I'm yer man, laddie!" he says.

The guy certainly doesn't think so.

"What was your last job?" he asks doubtfully.

"Spent all me years in the merchant navy laddie, was captain on my last ship and when I comes to retire after a six month stint, I finds me wife has ran off with another man. So now I just spends me time drinking hard and chasing the women."

The guy's convinced this most certainly isn't 'his man' but he asks him doubtfully, "You can play piano?"

"Play? I make that damned instrument sing and dance!" and without waiting to be asked he jumps onto the piano stool and plays the most wonderful, emotional piece you ever heard in your life. Everyone in the bar simply stops talking and listens enraptured.

"Wow!" the bar owner says when the old man stops playing, "That was astounding! What piece is it exactly?"

"One of my own composition, laddie, I wrote for a sweetheart of mine," the old guy replies with reminiscent eyes, "It's called '"Get yer kegs aff wummin, ye've pulled!"

Embarrassment spreads round the assembled glittering company, sympathising with the now red-faced bar owner.

"I'll play ye another one laddie!" and he starts on a jazzy number that fills the air and thrills with it's complexity, rhythm and excitement. A gigantic round of applause is given him.

"I've never heard anything so wonderful as that!" the bar owner exclaims and stupidly asks the old captain what it is called.

"Another of my own laddie." the bar owner gulps when he hears this, "It's one I wrote to remind me of all the drunken nights we had in Singapore, it's called "The wimmen here have big boobies and it fair makes my anchor chain run out."

The barowner is shocked, but he says, "You've got the job, just don't tell anyone the name of the compositions, in fact, don't talk!"

"Keep my well lubricated laddie, I'll not utter a word and play for ye all night long."

True to his word he plays all night, but he feels the call of nature and goes to the lavatory. When he re-emergies, the bar owner is horrified to see that because of all the whisky he has consumed, the old man is totally unaware that his flies are undone and that bloody anchor chain is hanging out!

He goes over to the man and says in a whisper, "Do you know your flies are undone and your pecker is hanging out."

"Of course I do, laddie, of course I do!" and he jumps onto the stool and proceeds to play, "Why I WROTE it!