GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

[6moredetentions]

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these
days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar.. What did you expect it to contain..Lobster?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.
If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,
ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.'
'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in
the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake
don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?

[Avenger]