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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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Is dropping out an option?
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SH☮TGUNHEⒶRT Offline
Hi, I 'm anti-civ.

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Post: #1
Is dropping out an option?

Is dropping out an option when the idea of staying somewhere you absolutely hate gives you motives of violence, vengeance, and acts hatred?
ALl my life, whatever school I've been, I've always done my best to please my parents, teachers, and figures of authority. I got the best As, always quiet, never troublesome.Not that I liked it at all, just that I did it. But for some reason, I was also very violent. Every year i'd get into fights with students, raging, crying, terrible fights, where I'd try my best to kill that person.
I never fit in, people made fun of me,everyone hated me. But I just was so full of emotion and hatred that i'd fight.
It stopped for a couple of years, but now I'm in highschool and I just wanna kill kill kill. I think about bringing guns to school and shooting everybody up. I don't get good grades, I hate everybody, and I'm just fed up with this cycle of conformity. It's fucking up my head, and making me behave crazily, I have no friends, no nothing.All the teachers talk about me calling me a problems child and I just wanna fight fight fight.
I think about taking people down with knives.
I don't know, I just feel that if I stay in school I'm gonna really get hurt and hurt somebody else.

I know dropping out is basically throwing my future away, and letting down everyone who has high expectations for me. It's gonna piss a bunch of people off, and many aren't going to even stand for it.

But I don't care this is stupid, I'm full of hate, I want to kill.

To be an anarchist, is to suffer greatly. To be a black woman is to suffer secretly. To be the earth, is to suffer silently.

I wish no harm on anyone, but those whose harmful ways will not stop without the same harm.

It's time we kill this cancerous system, before it kills us and everything left of gaia. Rise from our immaturity and take back our autonomy!

[Image: 2010-10-04-lost-my-appetite.jpg]
03-18-2011 09:30 AM
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xcriteria Offline
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Post: #2
Re: Is dropping out an option?

Dropping out can be an option, but it's worth having a plan. I dropped out at 16, with my parents' permission, got my GED, and began attending college the next year (at 17.) It's harder of course without your parents permission. I ended up dropping out of college because I wasn't learning enough, but it's definitely better than high school.

How you do in life, in terms of work, depends a lot on your skills, interests, and what skills and knowledge you can build up. And it depends a lot on what kind of work you can stand doing. Lots of people go through different jobs, but having a sense of this is useful.

What are you interested in? What are you good at, or might you be? (You might not know, but start with what you do know.)

As for your pain, hatred and violent tendencies, there are ways to deal with those. It sounds like the root problem is your life isn't bringing you much (if any) meaning, pleasure or joy. Self-understanding is the start. I've found that life makes a lot more sense once you have the concepts to make sense of yourself and the people around you. And very little of it is taught in school or by most parents.

For example, rejection hurts, literally -- a part of the brain called the "anterior cingulate cortex" is involved in error detection, pain, rejection, and decision-conflict. It's possible for this to end up being "on" virtually all the time, which makes life miserable. And when you hurt that much, you have the impulse do something in response, or just give up and be a zombie. Especially when there's not enough meaning or positivity to make up for it. And there are ways to modulate this circuit, and adjust the writing of your brain in general, including the circuits that make life worth living.

But school can be a vicious cycle for some people. It was with me, it just didn't fit with how my mind worked, or sense of values, but nobody recognized how giving me crappy grades didn't help at all. And if you're different from "normal," in whatever way, being understand by others can get a lot harder. So can understanding yourself!

The key is finding yourself in all of it, and figuring out some ideas for your future, with or without school. When you step aside from the expectations and judgments of others, what sense do you have of what you'd like your life to be?
03-18-2011 10:51 AM
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SH☮TGUNHEⒶRT Offline
Hi, I 'm anti-civ.

Posts: 775
Joined: Mar 2011
Thanks: 0
Given 9 thank(s) in 8 post(s)
Post: #3
Re: Is dropping out an option?

xcriteria Wrote:Dropping out can be an option, but it's worth having a plan. I dropped out at 16, with my parents' permission, got my GED, and began attending college the next year (at 17.) It's harder of course without your parents permission. I ended up dropping out of college because I wasn't learning enough, but it's definitely better than high school.

How you do in life, in terms of work, depends a lot on your skills, interests, and what skills and knowledge you can build up. And it depends a lot on what kind of work you can stand doing. Lots of people go through different jobs, but having a sense of this is useful.

What are you interested in? What are you good at, or might you be? (You might not know, but start with what you do know.)

As for your pain, hatred and violent tendencies, there are ways to deal with those. It sounds like the root problem is your life isn't bringing you much (if any) meaning, pleasure or joy. Self-understanding is the start. I've found that life makes a lot more sense once you have the concepts to make sense of yourself and the people around you. And very little of it is taught in school or by most parents.

For example, rejection hurts, literally -- a part of the brain called the "anterior cingulate cortex" is involved in error detection, pain, rejection, and decision-conflict. It's possible for this to end up being "on" virtually all the time, which makes life miserable. And when you hurt that much, you have the impulse do something in response, or just give up and be a zombie. Especially when there's not enough meaning or positivity to make up for it. And there are ways to modulate this circuit, and adjust the writing of your brain in general, including the circuits that make life worth living.

But school can be a vicious cycle for some people. It was with me, it just didn't fit with how my mind worked, or sense of values, but nobody recognized how giving me crappy grades didn't help at all. And if you're different from "normal," in whatever way, being understand by others can get a lot harder. So can understanding yourself!

The key is finding yourself in all of it, and figuring out some ideas for your future, with or without school. When you step aside from the expectations and judgments of others, what sense do you have of what you'd like your life to be?

I 'v considered 3 things I would do with my life, become a crazy unstable student, kill myself, or just say "fuck everything!" and stop caring.
All I honestly like to do is write stories, read, draw, and the simple things like walking my dog, and caring for people. It's just that my situation, just completely turns everything off course. If I ever do get a job, I will probably become a stripper, turn tricks, or maybe even a pornstar.
I understand myself in a sense of, I simply can't last long doing what someone else forces me to do.

To be an anarchist, is to suffer greatly. To be a black woman is to suffer secretly. To be the earth, is to suffer silently.

I wish no harm on anyone, but those whose harmful ways will not stop without the same harm.

It's time we kill this cancerous system, before it kills us and everything left of gaia. Rise from our immaturity and take back our autonomy!

[Image: 2010-10-04-lost-my-appetite.jpg]
03-18-2011 11:59 AM
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xcriteria Offline
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Post: #4
Re: Is dropping out an option?

You have so many options for work, and a meaningful life, based on those interests. And you can discover more. You have much more of a mind than you might think.

And, if nothing else, there are many simple jobs that involve caring for people, and not all have a crazy structure. As one common example, many old people need someone to keep an eye on them or keep them company, and their families will pay for it.

You can live a worthwhile life, whatever negativity you've absorbed from the world. The fact that you care is the start to finding it.

Try taking the MBTI personality quiz at viewtopic.php?f=22&t=8927 -- it is a good way to start finding out how you're different and the good things about your differences.
03-18-2011 01:42 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #5
Re: Is dropping out an option?

Quote:or just say "fuck everything!" and stop caring.
Do this.

You know, as a start. Then once you've calmed down and gotten school out of your head, you can start thinking about other things to do. 'Cause you've been frustrated and angry for so long, you'll need some time to just relax and get over all of that stuff. There's actually a word for this, it's called "deschooling".

Yeah, your parents will probably freak out a bit. But that's where xcriteria's plan advice comes in. Here's some more info about dropping out and stuff: http://www.school-survival.net/wiki/Dro ... _of_School

You could also look into online schooling. It's the same shit as high school, but without all the people. - http://www.school-survival.net/alternat ... schooling/

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
Click here if school makes you depressed or suicidal

Support School Survival on Patreon or Donate Bitcoin Here: 1Q5WCcxWjayniaL92b8GfXBiGdfjmnUNa2
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
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03-20-2011 02:54 AM
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SH☮TGUNHEⒶRT Offline
Hi, I 'm anti-civ.

Posts: 775
Joined: Mar 2011
Thanks: 0
Given 9 thank(s) in 8 post(s)
Post: #6
Re: Is dropping out an option?

SoulRiser Wrote:
Quote:or just say "fuck everything!" and stop caring.
Do this.

You know, as a start. Then once you've calmed down and gotten school out of your head, you can start thinking about other things to do. 'Cause you've been frustrated and angry for so long, you'll need some time to just relax and get over all of that stuff. There's actually a word for this, it's called "url]".

Yeah, your parents will probably freak out a bit. But that's where xcriteria's plan advice comes in. Here's some more info about dropping out and stuff:
You could also look into online schooling. It's the same shit as high school, but without all the people. - httpchooling/

Yeah I've begged my parents constantly if I could do Cyber school and they always say no, you'll have no social life. But honestly, I have no social life regardless. Everyone at my school thinks I'm a creeper and I have no friends and spend all my time alone. Plus, the staff there has labeled me as " a problem child" so any attention I get is negative.

I go to a project based a school called "Science Leadership Academy" it's in partnership with the Franklin Institute, it's actually pretty famous and has been named as one of the best top ten public schools in the country. Its known for everyone being all happy and smiley and free.
But honestly it's hell for me because the people there are all a bunch of fake losers, and they say we are all in this community when I'm like fucking, left out of the whole experience. And since it's project based everything we do we have to work together, and that's where everything just fails for me because no one wants to be my partner, and I just have trouble getting along with others, because im pretty mature for my age. Plus, my classmates just don't get my ideas.
Yeah, Im not stressed about school anymore. I just have home issues actually because my father is an abusive cunt and he always makes up lies to my mom, and I got fucking choked today and my entire household hates me. So yeah, Im just depressed and my motivation to do anything has crumbled. I feel like there is no place for me to go also.
I've considered running away, but Philadelphia is a fucking slum, and its just too dangerous to bare. I mean people riding bikes to their house at 5:30 around the corner and getting raped and killed.
I just need help, I honestly do. My only solutions are running away, killing my father, killing myself, or just fucking living and suffering through this miserable household and growing up to be a fucked up failure.
I just don't care about anything anymore, and the only thing I have in this world is a pad of paper and a pen.

To be an anarchist, is to suffer greatly. To be a black woman is to suffer secretly. To be the earth, is to suffer silently.

I wish no harm on anyone, but those whose harmful ways will not stop without the same harm.

It's time we kill this cancerous system, before it kills us and everything left of gaia. Rise from our immaturity and take back our autonomy!

[Image: 2010-10-04-lost-my-appetite.jpg]
03-21-2011 01:27 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #7
Re: Is dropping out an option?

Quote:My only solutions are running away, killing my father, killing myself, or just fucking living and suffering through this miserable household and growing up to be a fucked up failure.
That last part isn't true. You can be whoever or whatever you want. As soon as you can get away from the shitty place you're in, you'll be free to do what you want and you can live however you like.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
Click here if school makes you depressed or suicidal

Support School Survival on Patreon or Donate Bitcoin Here: 1Q5WCcxWjayniaL92b8GfXBiGdfjmnUNa2
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

Push Button for Collection of Useful Links:
Hidden stuff:
03-21-2011 02:03 PM
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