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The School Survival Forums are permanently retired. If you need help with quitting school, unsupportive parents or anything else, there is a list of resources on the Help Page.

To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

The forums are mostly read-only and are in a maintenance/testing phase, before being permanently archived. Please use this time to get the contact details of people you'd like to keep in touch with. Send me a message if you'd like to keep in touch with me & Steve.

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Needs to be said.
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liq3 Offline
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Post: #1
Needs to be said.

rAnx Wrote:At home, her parents would always lament how bad it was for her health, and at school her friends always told her how worried they were. It was as if every time she talked to someone, they tried to tell her why she was treating her body badly. Obviously, she knew that anorexia was bad for her.
Or, made generic.
Quote:I have a problem. I know I have a problem. Everyone tells me I have a problem and it's bad. No one helps me though.
This kind of stuff drives me FUCKING INSANE. Mad

I've learned to ignore it, but really, why do people insist on reminding people of bad things we do? It forces the person into a defensive stance. They either must choose to admit that it's wrong, or defend it. If they are willing to admit it's wrong, they will do it anyway and feel no shame or guilt. It they defend it, they will feel it is part of their identity, and keep doing it, as to not feel the loss of losing part of their identity. Telling someone what they are doing is bad, does nothing but make them keep doing it.

P.S. There is actually a third response. They run away. They completely avoid dealing with it. This means they shut themselves off from any help.

Also this might be better in philosophical discussion :/

Epic win book.
Personal Development for Smart People.
05-24-2008 11:15 AM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #2
Re: Needs to be said.

Quote:why do people insist on reminding people of bad things we do? It forces the person into a defensive stance. They either must choose to admit that it's wrong, or defend it. If they are willing to admit it's wrong, they will do it anyway and feel no shame or guilt. It they defend it, they will feel it is part of their identity, and keep doing it, as to not feel the loss of losing part of their identity. Telling someone what they are doing is bad, does nothing but make them keep doing it.

P.S. There is actually a third response. They run away. They completely avoid dealing with it. This means they shut themselves off from any help.

Very true. Well, most of the time anyway. There are always exceptions...

So if you actually want to help someone, first find out what they want, and help them with that, nevermind what you want for them.

And when I say find out what they want, I don't mean what they say they want. It could be true, but it could also just be the conclusion they came to, based off something deeper. Like, for example, someone who wants to get thin might actually just want to feel good about herself, and believes that getting thin will accomplish that. It might, but it might also not. Maybe something else would accomplish it better. It's not always as simple as it looks. And you can't go around telling people what you think they really want unless you KNOW THEM very well. And even then you have to be careful. So, basically, unless you happen to be a really good listener, you'll just annoy anyone you try to help.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
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05-25-2008 01:43 AM
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fragile-esteem Offline
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Post: #3
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liq3 Wrote:They run away. They completely avoid dealing with it. This means they shut themselves off from any help.

I'm anorexic and this is what I choose. I don;t want to defend it because I know it's bad but I wouldn't admit it bad because I can't stop.

I hate when people tell me what I want and how I feel:

"I know you want to get better..." if that means getting fat then no... I don't
"...I sense there's some trust issues...." no... I just don't trust you
"It's like someone's taken part of you away and you feel like that part's never coming back" 1. that made no sense 2. if it did make sense I disagree
"Aleks! You can't make your own decissions you're not well!" ...and yet I go to school every day?
"I'll try not to direct questions at you" but I'm a member of the class too!

butterfly kisses xxx

COMMUNISM is when you have two cows, the governement takes both and gives you the milk
SOCIALISM is when you have two cows and give one to your neighbour.
NEW DEALISM (is when things go wrong) is when you have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one and milks the other but then throws the milk away.
CAPITALISM is when you have two cows and then sell one to buy a bull.
FACISM is when you have two cows, the government takes both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM is when you have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.

I typed: "end of the world" into google and saw the hiroshima bombing and 9/11, irony much.
05-25-2008 11:50 PM
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SoulRiser Offline
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Post: #4
Re: Needs to be said.

Quote:I hate when people tell me what I want and how I feel:

Yeah, there's actually a word for that: invalidation. It's a really frustrating thing to deal with, especially because the other person generally doesn't go so far as to try to think how they would feel if someone said that to them.

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama
Help & Support - Get help with leaving school, unsupportive parents, and more.
Click here if school makes you depressed or suicidal

Support School Survival on Patreon or Donate Bitcoin Here: 1Q5WCcxWjayniaL92b8GfXBiGdfjmnUNa2
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - André Paul Guillaume Gide
"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot of beauty that can only be found in the mind of a lunatic." - TheCancer
EIPD - Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder

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05-26-2008 08:29 AM
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Will Offline
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Post: #5
Re: Needs to be said.

Yourock
I've been thinking the same thing for a while. Unfortunately, when I've been on the receiving end of such criticism, I haven't wanted to hear discussion of the problem equivalent to anorexia but rather discussion of whatever broader thing led me to said problems. This broader thing is something that is even more difficult to talk about, normally hatred of parents and of school.
05-27-2008 11:21 AM
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Ariadnae Basilisk Offline
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Post: #6
Re: Needs to be said.

When I was younger I was always recieved criticism about how I would cry to much, that men don't cry, and that I was to sensetive. Now, I'm an almost emotionless wall.

Of course I recieve criticism about that, but I tend to ignore it now.

People always think that they know what's best. That's just how it is I suppose.

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05-28-2008 09:17 AM
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fragile-esteem Offline
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Post: #7
Re: Needs to be said.

SoulRiser Wrote:
Quote:I hate when people tell me what I want and how I feel:

Yeah, there's actually a word for that: invalidation. It's a really frustrating thing to deal with, especially because the other person generally doesn't go so far as to try to think how they would feel if someone said that to them.

from that website... i identify with the comments i hear everyday:

Smile.
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Stop taking everything so personally
Don't look so sad.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I tried to help you.. force feeding isn't help
You are making everyone else miserable.
You are the only one who feels that way. i' still someone though
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
You are not being rational.
You are too sensitive.
You are hopeless.
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
What's the matter with you? as i f i fucking know. everytime they say that it makes me feel wrong.
Why can't you just get over it?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't say that about ...
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.

butterfly kisses xxx

COMMUNISM is when you have two cows, the governement takes both and gives you the milk
SOCIALISM is when you have two cows and give one to your neighbour.
NEW DEALISM (is when things go wrong) is when you have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one and milks the other but then throws the milk away.
CAPITALISM is when you have two cows and then sell one to buy a bull.
FACISM is when you have two cows, the government takes both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM is when you have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.

I typed: "end of the world" into google and saw the hiroshima bombing and 9/11, irony much.
05-29-2008 05:20 AM
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