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Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them
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Will Offline
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Post: #1
Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Background
The feeling I get around my parents is quite similar to the feeling I get around really strict teachers.

Motivation for this epiphany
I've heard people suggest that parents should spend time with their children to promote better parent-child relationships. This sort of makes sense, but it's not going to help with parents like mine until they realize that they should want me to like them (I'm not sure whether they've realized that.) and that they need to act differently to make me like them. Otherwise, it's like spending more time with your strict teacher.

I've also heard about divorced parents, among others, giving lots of gifts to their children. I've heard or assumed somehow that such gifts are superficial and that the parents giving them should really be spending more time with their children, but I'm thinking now that these may actually be the best way for them to show their love.

If my noobish parents suddenly realized that they had been acting like the strict teacher but wanted to change so I would like them, suddenly acting better would not make me like them. I would be suspicious. Even when I realized that they truly had changed, I would still have some irrational fear of them for a while. It's hard to imagine one of my strict teachers suddenly getting nicer, but I think I would still feel uneasy around him for a while. This is like how you can realize that school is totally stupid but continue to follow it for a while because of the brainwashing.

If my parents asked me what they should do to make me like them, I would probably be too afraid of upsetting them and thus lie and say that they had been acting perfectly all along. (Actually, that's not the real reason; this is really passive aggression. I do it a lot to them. It's sort of fun.)

The theoretical example below quite extreme, but it may be related to the motivation I presented at the beginning of this post. Either way, it's quite interesting.

Start here if you don't feel like reading the whole post.
If I somehow felt that I could tell them what I wanted, I would tell my parents that I couldn't think of much that they could actively do to make me like them. I would say that I wanted to move away from them (Ignore whether I would go to school in the place I moved to; if my parents suddenly changed like this, they would also get me out of school or put me in one that I wanted to go to.) and stop communicating with them. This would make me much happier, but it alone wouldn't really make me like them.

As I don't want to talk to them, they don't have many ways of making me like them. I can only think of one way: Giving me material goods.

I think that I would start to like them if they let me move away from them, stopped talking with me and instead funded my life. I may post a rational explanation of why this would show me that they love me, but all that matters is that I feel that it would.
06-15-2008 06:01 AM
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Eidolon Away
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Post: #2
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

I don't know what to reply with, so... I'll just talk about why I've started to like my dad more.

He gets me lots of stuff, and I have started to like him better. But it's not because of the gifts. It's because he's been a lot nicer to me lately. It actually seems like he has a bit of respect for me now, and doesn't always feel the need to put his new girlfriend first.
06-15-2008 10:01 AM
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Will Offline
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Post: #3
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Eidolon Wrote:I don't know what to reply with, so... I'll just talk about why I've started to like my dad more.

He gets me lots of stuff, and I have started to like him better. But it's not because of the gifts. It's because he's been a lot nicer to me lately. It actually seems like he has a bit of respect for me now, and doesn't always feel the need to put his new girlfriend first.
I'm sure that would happen for me too, but I can't tell how long it would take. My guess is a couple years at least because that's how long it took me to give up at school.
06-15-2008 11:25 AM
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Happy Camper Offline
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Post: #4
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

I'm not sure I understood much of this post. (It could very well be the person sitting two feet to my right talking to her very obnoxious grandmother.) But I have a different experience. Between my Mother and my Father, I did gravitate much more toward my Mother because she allowed me more freedom and allowed me to make my own choices. While my Dad was much more conservative and wanted me close to home where he could raise me. He was protective. My Mom was...pro-active in letting me do what I wanted and support me in the process.

Gifts have never been a big thing in my family. I mean we all give and receive them on holidays but they are rather superficial in our family by nature. And none of us were raised to be good at gift-giving (it's a skill, believe it or not). But are you familiar with the Five Love Language...theory? I'm not so sure it's a theory as much as it is a sort of idea. But the idea is that there are five primary love languages: verbal affirmation, gift-giving, quality time together, touch, and acts of service. I'm a quality time together/touch communicator myself. Maybe yours is gifts? I don't know. Something to look into.

Let's do the time warp again!
06-16-2008 02:10 PM
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Will Offline
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Post: #5
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Happy Camper Wrote:I'm not sure I understood much of this post. (It could very well be the person sitting two feet to my right talking to her very obnoxious grandmother.) But I have a different experience. Between my Mother and my Father, I did gravitate much more toward my Mother because she allowed me more freedom and allowed me to make my own choices. While my Dad was much more conservative and wanted me close to home where he could raise me. He was protective. My Mom was...pro-active in letting me do what I wanted and support me in the process.

Gifts have never been a big thing in my family. I mean we all give and receive them on holidays but they are rather superficial in our family by nature. And none of us were raised to be good at gift-giving (it's a skill, believe it or not). But are you familiar with the Five Love Language...theory? I'm not so sure it's a theory as much as it is a sort of idea. But the idea is that there are five primary love languages: verbal affirmation, gift-giving, quality time together, touch, and acts of service. I'm a quality time together/touch communicator myself. Maybe yours is gifts? I don't know. Something to look into.
The beginning of my post was pretty sloppy, but I'm more concerned with the end.

I don't really like gifts, and I don't really care for expensive material goods in general, but this Five Love Language "theory" works perfectly.

Here are the five love languages:
verbal affirmation, gift-giving, quality time together, touch, and acts of service

Let's remove the ones that don't work if you feel nervous just being around someone:
verbal affirmation, gift-giving, quality time together, touch, and acts of service

I hate talking to my parents on the phone too.
verbal affirmation, gift-giving, quality time together, touch, and acts of service

Gift-giving and acts of service seem quite similar. I'd really rather receive cash than other gifts, but other gifts would be okay too. Acts of service can both be substituted for cash because you can pay people to do acts of service. (I was actually thinking about this when I was writing the original post.)
06-16-2008 02:33 PM
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fragile-esteem Offline
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Post: #6
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

i like my dad and step mum best when they are fighting, just wish they would split.

butterfly kisses xxx

COMMUNISM is when you have two cows, the governement takes both and gives you the milk
SOCIALISM is when you have two cows and give one to your neighbour.
NEW DEALISM (is when things go wrong) is when you have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one and milks the other but then throws the milk away.
CAPITALISM is when you have two cows and then sell one to buy a bull.
FACISM is when you have two cows, the government takes both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM is when you have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.

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06-18-2008 03:37 AM
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Will Offline
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Post: #7
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

fragile-esteem Wrote:i like my dad and step mum best when they are fighting, just wish they would split.
I've thought the same thing before.
06-19-2008 01:47 PM
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anonomous Offline
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Post: #8
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

i think your'e right, adults these days express their love to their children by giving gifts... and they probaly should spend more time with their children... this actually sounds like consumerism dosen't it?

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SB: I said puck you sir
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08-29-2008 10:15 PM
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Lucie Offline
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Post: #9
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

I rarely see my parents two days in a row and quite frankly it suits me. And yes I am easily bought off if they can't make something, because chances are I don't want them there. But what they don't realise that while I may have cared neither of my parents made my third, sixth, seventh, birthday when they missed my eleventh, thirteenth, fourteenth and fifteenth I didn't really give a damn, it's them that's missing out I still get the gifts I just don't have to put up with them. Although it's kinda hard not to get annoyed at the kids that moan about their parents even though they collected them from school all the way, everyday until seventh grade.

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08-31-2008 06:06 PM
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PunchingYou Offline
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Post: #10
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

My brother got a 2000 dollar laptop last birthday, my birthday tomorrow, i think i am getting a camera.. lol, i guess they like me more??

JESUS SAVES... ON THE PRICE OF DETERGALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!
09-29-2008 04:51 AM
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thewake Offline
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Post: #11
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Maybe they are giving you some of that "tough love"?

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10-05-2008 01:06 PM
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Chibi Moon Beam Offline
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Post: #12
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Will Wrote:Background
The feeling I get around my parents is quite similar to the feeling I get around really strict teachers.

Motivation for this epiphany
I've heard people suggest that parents should spend time with their children to promote better parent-child relationships. This sort of makes sense, but it's not going to help with parents like mine until they realize that they should want me to like them (I'm not sure whether they've realized that.) and that they need to act differently to make me like them. Otherwise, it's like spending more time with your strict teacher.

I've also heard about divorced parents, among others, giving lots of gifts to their children. I've heard or assumed somehow that such gifts are superficial and that the parents giving them should really be spending more time with their children, but I'm thinking now that these may actually be the best way for them to show their love.

If my noobish parents suddenly realized that they had been acting like the strict teacher but wanted to change so I would like them, suddenly acting better would not make me like them. I would be suspicious. Even when I realized that they truly had changed, I would still have some irrational fear of them for a while. It's hard to imagine one of my strict teachers suddenly getting nicer, but I think I would still feel uneasy around him for a while. This is like how you can realize that school is totally stupid but continue to follow it for a while because of the brainwashing.

If my parents asked me what they should do to make me like them, I would probably be too afraid of upsetting them and thus lie and say that they had been acting perfectly all along. (Actually, that's not the real reason; this is really passive aggression. I do it a lot to them. It's sort of fun.)

The theoretical example below quite extreme, but it may be related to the motivation I presented at the beginning of this post. Either way, it's quite interesting.

Start here if you don't feel like reading the whole post.
If I somehow felt that I could tell them what I wanted, I would tell my parents that I couldn't think of much that they could actively do to make me like them. I would say that I wanted to move away from them (Ignore whether I would go to school in the place I moved to; if my parents suddenly changed like this, they would also get me out of school or put me in one that I wanted to go to.) and stop communicating with them. This would make me much happier, but it alone wouldn't really make me like them.

As I don't want to talk to them, they don't have many ways of making me like them. I can only think of one way: Giving me material goods.

I think that I would start to like them if they let me move away from them, stopped talking with me and instead funded my life. I may post a rational explanation of why this would show me that they love me, but all that matters is that I feel that it would.

I feel the exact same way, took the words right out of my mouth.

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04-03-2010 02:58 PM
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LOON_ATTIC Offline
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Post: #13
Re: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Oh wow, nice bump there.
But who cares, many of us weren't even around at that time, or probably never saw this topic!

I would like my parents a lot if they would understand me and support me in what I want, in my interests: homeschooling, my own projects, getting a real life, etc, instead of telling me to GO TO SKEWL BEKAUSE THAT'S UR FUTURE. School's doing nothing, my future is the real experience I can start acquiring now.

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04-03-2010 04:07 PM
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Rule_BreakerXVIII Offline
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Post: #14
Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Gifts do not make up for a lack of respect. That is what my family failed to understand, and they still shower me with more materialistic favours, thinking that I may appreciate them.

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07-04-2014 12:51 AM
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Cianna200 Offline
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Post: #15
RE: Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

Spot on, you are right. My grandma always accuses me of not being grateful or appreciative when I don't perform well in school.
07-04-2014 05:25 AM
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brainiac3397 Offline
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Post: #16
Why parents give lots of gifts to children who dislike them

I never asked for gifts, nor did I complain about not getting them.

In fact it was more beneficial because that way I could ask for money(with which I could spend my own), or stack the "non-gift credit" to get a gift of my choosing at a later time.

My sister on the other hand actually expected us to get her a gift for every day of the week her birthday was on.

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07-04-2014 06:04 AM
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