Just Me :)

[Oceanfall]

Thank the gods for this site!
I'm a 17 year old girl, part Finnish, part Russian. I am currently living in Shanghai, China, and have been for the past eight years. I have spent my entire life prior to this travelling around the world due to my father's career. I was born in Tokyo, Japan, and have never lived in either Finland or Russia, and therefore have never had a "home" country, and I consider myself International. When I was younger, I was a straight A* student, and a hopeless perfectionist. I do love learning, and finding out new things that interest me. My room has been described as a library... but don't mistake me for a complete geek
I first began to have problems with school at the end of IGCSE, when I found I simply did not fit in, and had a series of debilitating illnesses which forced me to spend a large amount of time away from school. I underwent a time of deep depression, and emerged a changed, if more self-aware, person. I did not study at all for my IGCSE's, yet still managed to gain top grades in my class. It was then that my hell began. I started the IB Diploma programme, and within six months, I had been forced to drop down to certificate. A few months later, I dropped out of the school that I had been familiar with for seven years entirely. I had high hopes for the programme, and was disappointed to find it mind-numbing, and painfully competitive. On top of that, their compulsory attendance rate was a big problem, as my immune system had been considerably weakened by my illnesses, and I was often sick.
Now anyone who has ever attempted the IB course will know that they judge everything you do based on the mountainous amount of assignments they hand out. Miss even a few days, and you will be left so far behind that the prospects of catching up become dim. I became frustrated with myself, and the grades I was getting due to missed assignments. I had no friends, as they were all too busy concentrating on their academic careers and future ambitions. The long days I spent at home, I taught myself, and realised to my surprise that I knew a lot more than my peers. I went through an epiphany, where I realised that school did not teach me anything, it was I who taught myself. I also realised that unlike my peers, I had no real ambitions for the future. I would never dream of becoming a lawyer, or a doctor, or a pretentious this or that. The only thing that I have ever liked is creative writing and drawing, something which is highly neglected in IB. I became more and more disillusioned with the education system, and began purposefully skipping, pretending to be ill, and taking days off to do my own things.
When I did go back to school, I realised I had become a social pariah, that teachers would ignore me, as would the students, and I would constantly be in trouble for various things. My EE was too controversial in their eyes, and got banned. One by one all my "friends" in IGCSE disappeared, and became completely different people, cold-hearted ambitious robots who competed with one another to get the highest grades, and the most CAS hours. My teachers were all disappointed in me, and eventually gave up on me. My father shouted at me every morning, calling me "a spineless, lazy worthless girl" who will end up homeless under a bridge one day unless I shake some sense into myself and "grow up". I began to develop self-destructive tendencies, and loathe myself, as I loathed school, and all the people in it. Eventually I dropped out, towards the end of my first year, and began to live my life. Those few months that I had to myself were probably the best I'd had in a long time. I learned, and wrote more than I had in many years, even completing a novel I had not had time to write while stressing about school. Unfortunately, it came to an end after the summer, as my dad gave me two options, enrol in another high school, or he would send me to Finland to live with my mum and wash his hands off me once and for all (my mother is herself very ill, in a psychological way, and living with her would not be easy).
I eventually went for an interview with another private school, and they accepted me based on my IGCSE scores. Now I am once again in the IB programme (as there is no other alternative for International students who are not American here in Shanghai), and hating every second of it. I had some hope that a change in environment would aid things, but after the first few months, things began to slide again, and just last week, I only showed up to school on one day. I have been given many warnings, and tomorrow I am scheduled for an interview with the IB coordinator, and I suspect they are planning to lower me to certificate once more. My father is furious with me, and we are not on speaking terms. He looks down on me, and praises my sister, who is currently completing her IGCSE's. I told myself that if I fail this time, I will drop out of school entirely, no matter what the consequences. I simply find the classes too boring, the people too ignorant, and my social anxiety disorder makes me feel highly uncomfortable surrounded by large groups of people, and being forced to interact with them. It is actually physically painful for me to attend school, and every day I come back feeling drained, exhausted, and self-destructive.
I have one or two good friends, who respect me for who I am, even though they don't understand me entirely, and I don't want to risk losing them by dropping out. Yet I feel this is all hurting me more than I can cope, and I am worried I will take desperate action if I do not find a solution. I have suffered from two nervous breakdowns already, and once ended up in hospital. I do not want to repeat these episodes, yet I fear I am being driven mad by the constant stress, worry, anxiety, depression and neglect I am subjected to. My main problem is the overwhelming work load, and the subject choices I have made, combined with my intense ability to procrastinate, and my dropping attendance rate. The work is not hard by any means, just redundant, time consuming, and unrewarding.
Furthermore, I often have trouble sleeping at night, and am too tired to get up in the mornings, as my mind is always quickest at night. I need flexible schedules, and work that I can complete at my own pace, in a peaceful environment, away from people I am not comfortable with. So I am failing again, and will likely not make it to the end of this year. I am scared of going to school tomorrow, of facing the disappointment, of having to explain myself when I find it difficult to speak already.
I have dozens of assignments due in tomorrow, many of them projects I have not even started on, because I find them so uninspiring. Many of them have been due in for weeks. This is my school story... and I have spent this entire night looking for sites that can help me, before stumbling upon this one, which believes everything that I do concerning the education system.
I hope I didn't bore you all with my extremely long and rambling introduction, but I'm hoping to find someone who would be willing to offer me some advice... or just show support and help me cope one day at a time. If you want to know more or just talk, feel free to message/email me I don't bite!