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To everyone who joined these forums at some point, and got discouraged by the negativity and left after a while (or even got literally scared off): I'm sorry.

I wasn't good enough at encouraging people to be kinder, and removing people who refuse to be kind. Encouraging people is hard, and removing people creates conflict, and I hate conflict... so that's why I wasn't better at it.

I was a very, very sensitive teen. The atmosphere of this forum as it is now, if it had existed in 1996, would probably have upset me far more than it would have helped.

I can handle quite a lot of negativity and even abuse now, but that isn't the point. I want to help people. I want to help the people who need it the most, and I want to help people like the 1996 version of me.

I'm still figuring out the best way to do that, but as it is now, these forums are doing more harm than good, and I can't keep running them.

Thank you to the few people who have tried to understand my point of view so far. I really, really appreciate you guys. You are beautiful people.

Everyone else: If after everything I've said so far, you still don't understand my motivations, I think it's unlikely that you will. We're just too different. Maybe someday in the future it might make sense, but until then, there's no point in arguing about it. I don't have the time or the energy for arguing anymore. I will focus my time and energy on people who support me, and those who need help.

-SoulRiser

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Losing the fire. And life stuff.
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Chuplayer Offline
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Losing the fire. And life stuff.

I'm 22 years old. I've got a good job that's going to pay for the college expenses. I can get the anime and manga that I want. I get the occasional video game. I do a good job of budgeting myself, so I don't spend too much a month. I still live at home, but it's rather good to live at home. My mom freaks out sometimes, but it's mostly good. I don't have much of a social life outside of work, but work takes up enough of my time on the weekdays that I don't mind it then. I only get lonely on weekends, but only sometimes, and they go by fast enough that it doesn't matter to me. I'm actually a mellow sort of guy, believe it or not.

I used to have the proverbial righteous anger. Even back when I was in elementary school, I would get very upset when I saw an injustice. I got to a point that I actually lived off of this anger. It was my driving force. It allowed me to feel in ways I couldn't otherwise. Listening to music was a more encompassing experience. I could empathize more fully. I still consider Battle Royale 2 to be the greatest movie of all time, but the last time I watched it, I couldn't feel what I felt the first two times I watched it. I'm apprehensive about watching it again. It fueled my creative vision. It helped me construct in my mind the blueprints of what was going to be my three-novel epic of mystery, action, and righteous anger.

Now I can't tell if I miss that feeling. I don't know if this is a part of growing up. It's like this one part in the Ultimate Spider Man comics that Peter Parker gets upset about his teacher accepting the Kingpin because he does some good things despite being a murderer and a gangster. Peter asked his teacher when the change happens that allows her to live with what the Kingpin does. When you turn 30? When you finish college? I feel like I'm somewhere inbetween where Peter is and his teacher is. I would acknowledge that the Kingpin is totally bad, but I wouldn't get as upset about it, and I wouldn't have the drive to change it.

Why is it that all the good kids growing up with feelings like these lose them? They lose a part of themselves in the process of becoming an adult. It's happening to me right now, but I couldn't tell you exactly when it started or why.

The world would be so much better if the cycle went in reverse.

I'm also concerned about the finality in life. Perhaps the first big finality is the end of high school, followed by the end of college. Then there is paying off your car. Then your house. Getting married. Having sex. Your first drink. Personal finality like waiting for a video game to come out. My biggest finalities were Zelda 64 and Metal Gear Solid 4. I was living and breathing MGS4 from the time it was announced to the time it released a few weeks ago. Now, I'm more mellow than ever. I have taken some time to reflect on my state of living, and it's remarkable how fast I'm moving towards the finality of paying off college loans. Then what? Car payment, of course. Then what? I don't know exactly, but it's always going to be finality after finality until the greatest finality of all: death. Perhaps living the way I'm living right now is okay for right now, but I'm not sure I can accept living this way for the rest of my life. I blow through weekdays. Weekends never last long enough. Then it's back to the work week, and the cycle continues. Time seems to go by faster every passing day. I can't help but think I'm going to be dissatisfied in a few years.

There are only a handful of types of people in life: People who work nearly every day of their lives, millionaires who can live off of their fortunes for the rest of their lives, criminals who live their lives at the expense of others, homeless and poor people who barely live, and people with medical conditions that have varying degrees of living. Out of these categories come the revolutionaries. They work hard, but they work for some goal. What goal? I don't have a goal to speak of right now. I feel like I'll need to become a revolutionary someday, but that would mean forsaking a lot of things. That's what revolutionaries do. They have to discard their comfort, but this brings me back to my first point because they also have to have a fire under their asses. I have played a smaller revolutionary role before, but I even then, I was unable to discard my comfort. I had to make a number of conscious decisions to light a fire under my ass. That upset a number of people, but it upset me the most because I wasn't strong enough to make progress without first sabotaging myself, as ridiculous as that sounds. Then I crawled back into my comfort hole shortly afterwards. If I had the fire, I wouldn't have to worry about whether I'm going to end up fulfilling my prophecy or not because I wouldn't have made it through this many cycles already.

Wow, I think this is the most I've written about myself and what I've been thinking since last year.
06-30-2008 12:02 PM
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Losing the fire. And life stuff. - Chuplayer - 06-30-2008 12:02 PM

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