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RE: RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 01-29-2017 07:04 AM

Today, yesterday technically, sucked. And by that I mean I got locked out of my e mail account, and all the angst and rage that I had suppressed so far boiled over. I went into 'fuck it' mode for a while. Missed tuitions, which I have attended near-religiously so far. And then out of nowhere, while driving, I had this tiny thought that if I just veered into the way of an oncoming truck, none of this bullshit would bother me anymore. It lasted just a second, I never acted on it, and the impulse disappeared. And when I got home, I wondered what the actual fuck was wrong with me.

Needless to say, I am scared. This is actually the first time I've had a thought like this..and it has become pretty obvious that I need to deal with my angst and bitterness-the very same emotions that created Rule_BreakerXVIII, along with a spark of rebelliousness and the feeling that there exists a better way to live. I guess I know why Chiron changed his username; RB18 is far from the sum of my identity.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 02-02-2017 07:13 PM

Quote:Until the late 1700s, childhood, as we understand it, did not exist. Children were considered “little adults.” They lived in an agricultural world and toiled in the fields beside their parents.

From this article.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 02-03-2017 07:49 AM

the home is a wonderful learning environment. I can't wait until my kids start cooking!

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 02-15-2017 05:35 AM

Year after year, the same truth echoes in my academic habits: I don't want to do this.
And now it has gotten to the point of self-sabotage in college; and I wonder once again, is this worth it?

I swear my mind literally blanks when I sit down to study. Or complete assignments. Or even attend anything, important or not. Its like all my motivation drains out and I just stop, that's the best way I can think of describing it. To be honest, part of me feels that this reaction is justified; while another part of me feels obligated to study.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 02-15-2017 01:29 PM

recognizing emptiness is not emptiness.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 02-23-2017 01:44 AM

Yesterday, one of the teachers of my coaching classes kinda lost it.

Both the teachers are really good at teaching; but when the lecture drags on for 2+hours without a break, peoples' eyes start glazing over. At this point, no matter how good -or important- the lecture, anyone would be bored, desperate to GTFO. And this happened yesterday.

The teacher basically stopped teaching, divided the class into 3 parts- or grades, in his words- based on his opinion of who understands how much of what he teaches. ( And since the subject is C++, understanding the language is more important than blindly typing out the code. OFC the college disagrees.) Grade A had 8-10 people, me included; Grade B had more people, who understood around 50% (according to him); grade C had a few more people. The teacher had the idea to place the different grades in different places in the classroom. And this is where it gets school-ish.

He had grades B and C write out a program from the board; and grade A had to write a slightly tougher program from memory/using logic. After that, he sent all of grade A into the computer lab and ordered us to type out 7 different programs from memory. Note that we'd been in lectures since 10 am, and it was roughly 2 pm by then. That's 4 hours. Also note that it takes us 20-30 minutes to type out a program if the code is right in front of us; if it isn't...
And never mind all the time error detection and correction takes; or that even the lab assistant left around half an hour later.

To put it bluntly, this wasn't reasonable.

I typed out two programs, with errors; people were getting calls from their parents, and when Turdette called she gleefully told me I could stay there for 2 more hours. Anything for education, amirite? My contacts were beginning to irritate me; I was hungry; and for many other reasons, I decided to flee.

Only one other student from the so-called grade A had left.

There are so many things wrong with what this teacher did. He is a good teacher, but when even the good ones do stuff like this..
1. Lectures that last over 2 hours, without breaks of at least 10-15 mins. between them.
2. The grade system; it basically told a huge chunk of the class that they were worthless. And the teacher repeatedly reminded us from grade A that we could fall into lower grades. (As if I am gonna listen to one person after a lifetime of shunning both praise and shame from authority.)
3. Asking grade A to type out 7 programs from memory, to "prove" to him that we were deserving of an opinion he'd dictated without any input from us. Most of grade A was embarrassed to be singled out like that.
Also, he told us it was grade A's responsibility to explain stuff to those from grades B and C, and not his.
4. Not explaining the program to B and C in more be fair, he did ask us to look through our books and see if we had any questions. But. Most students won't remember any they had in the previous lectures, and thanks to the blind rote-learning spoon-feeding method that passes for education in India, very few think to ask if they have doubts, or write them down.
5. This is more of a personal issue, but he reaffirmed my long-held belief that academic achievement leads nowhere good.

I have no idea why I was in grade A; since 12th grade, I have consistently scored between 40%-59%. It did not fit with his declaration that all of grade A would pass with distinction (60%-75%) or first class (75% above). And never mind how hostile he was in general to the students; there was a lot of negative reinforcement stuff going on. It honestly made me regret even coming to class that day.

What he should have done was declared a break for 15 mins. or so when he noticed the students getting bored. Not this ridiculous school-ish thing. It is really disheartening when the good teachers act in ways that go against both student interests and their own.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 02-23-2017 02:46 AM

Since I was old enough to understand, I've been very conscious of the way people praise or shame others depending on how they act. I guess part of it was my curious nature; an act A provoked/incited reaction B from person C, and so on. I was aware of how the acted; what could they have done better? My grandma tells me I used to tell Turdette to "Speak properly! Can't you say things without shouting?" at four. And as a direct result, I noticed this: people praise you when you act in line with their agenda, and shame you/put you down when you don't.

The seeds of rebellion were always there...

The second thing I noticed was that everyone had an agenda, and even my parents had one that did not necessarily benefit me. All those social events and unwanted birthday parties I did not want to attend, or would benefit from attending, were proof of that. Note that I had a child's understanding of benefit; but even today, I'd call any effort spent in putting up with my relatives or my parents' "friends" wasted.

And then I began school. I was seen as weird, out-of-the-box, maybe a bit crazy from the beginning. And when I began primary school (fucking Muktangan, and somehow the previous schools were worse) it intensified. I had teachers calling Turdette every year, starting with me shortening sentences so that they weren't as cumbersome to write, my hatred of writing in general (funny how i started loving it when it became a medium for myself) and Turdette having to abuse me into doing my homework. Soon enough, (it had felt like forever back then) even abuse failed to make me compliant; by 6th grade, i'd completely stopped doing homework. Naturally, that led to more calls home, more abuse...less work being completed on time. By 9th grade, my mistrust of authority had grown into full on distrust and disdain. I knew by now that these people didn't have my best interest at heart; all they wanted was to break me down and shape me into a compliant creature that could be used to further their agenda. (More shiny awards for school. More bragging rights for my parents.) I began to see that I- and other students- were just investments to them. Even if the ones who give good returns are praised, they are still investments, and thus lack an intrinsic value that human beings have. My 10th grade English speech gave the teacher a sour face. The topic was "Freedom", and I opened with, "Freedom is the ability to make our own decisions.". It was the best speech I'd ever given.

9th grade was also when my classmates united; we basically agreed to keep each others' secrets from the teachers, whereas before students were encouraged to blab on each other and rewarded with positions as monitors if they did so. It had a huge effect on me; it basically restored a lot of my faith in humanity. OFC I still couldn't trust my classmates fully as 'unity' didn't prevent them from reporting to Turdette. And she was fast in getting her hooks into the teachers, as well as the parent well as some of my classmates.
By 10th grade someone had the idea to make T-shirts to better convey the fact that we were united. After a lot of discussion, the T-shirts said, "The Rule-Breakers"..or, more accurately, "D RULE BREAKERZZZ". And naturally we got into trouble the one time we took them to school.

This is where my SSF username comes from; along with the fact that my roll number was 18 that year. And thus was RB18 named.

In 11th grade, when I expected to transfer into another junior college, I was shuffled back into Muktangan by the Turds. (I think bribery was grades were too low to make it there on merit.) This is where it really began, i guess; I joined SSF that year, the Turd began abusing me along with Turdette, and i went into a deep funk that lasted till I failed FY. And to be fair, even tho I was depressed, this period was when I grew the most as a person, as an individual. I was relatively free from all my past constraints; I had very few things (compared to the past) holding me back. Sadly, the abuse continued.

This year -SY -I stood up to Turdette and yelled in her face until she backed down; forced the Turd into the current stalemate where we both ignore each other; made more strides towards freedom and autonomy. The abuse still hasn't stopped, but I can cut it short or flee from it now. I didn't have those abilities earlier. Now the only leash that remains is the financial one.

I am leaving quite a lot out; the purpose of this text was to examine myself in relation to school and the Turds-my parents. I guess I felt like typing out my life, well, some of it,somewhere; and what better place than SSF? This forum literally made the worst funk of my life bearable. I cannot bring myself to regret anything I did, save for a few instances of social embarrassment, because all of that led to what I am today. Do not mistake this for forgiveness of my treatment at the Turds', schools' and others' hands. That, as my siggie says, WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN.

Awesome quote:
Quote:Where authority exists, so too does an imbalance of power, and from a point of imbalance, the truth is easily corrupted – by addition, subtraction, multiplication and division.


RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 03-04-2017 02:08 AM

You reap what you sow..well, Turdette is definitely doing that. She regularly abuses people into "doing their work", and as a direct result of that all of us- me, my sister, and the Turd now cut her off whenever she tries to vent her feelings at us, usually as more abuse.
Well, I and my sister cut her off. The Turd just abuses her back.
And my sister is now learning what I did years earlier; no amount of studying will ever be enough for this cunt. No amount of work is ever going to make her happy. All that matters to her are numbers; how much money or marks we return. I've said earlier that I am just an investment to her. Well, here's the source of that.

And since typing that wall'o'text above this post, its become clear to me that I flinch away from studying because there is some part of it that associates studying with abuse. A bad investment has relative freedom; a good one is watched like a hawk to make sure it keeps returning, or worse, is forced to do better at the cost of its health, sanity, etc. And if I study too much, some piece of shit will take an interest in me and chain me to a desk. Well, that's one button identified. For obvious reasons I'm not too keen to get rid of it.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 03-05-2017 10:42 AM

"what you push them towards you drive them away from"

-Dan Greenberg

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 03-06-2017 05:37 AM

Quote: I am not controlled by people who have emotional issues which they do not resolve, and fight against even the notion of sanity.
I am not controlled by people who think it is okay to foist off their emotional baggage on others.

Well, I was controlled by them, but not anymore.

I am not obligated to accept any negativity or baggage others try to force on me.
I am not obligated to save others from their own stupidity.
I am not obligated to listen to people if I know that almost all everything they say is bullshit, hateful racist sexist (and many more -ist) crap.
I am not obligated to indulge people who wish me harm or do not respect my rights as a human being.

One of my posts from another thread, so I won't bother with linking.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 03-14-2017 02:07 AM

Quote:Adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child. You can waste... years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just... take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that and walk away.


Today, an astrologer and a friend of Turdette's came over.

And yeah...that astrologer basically said the same things every astrologer has said about me so far (at least they're somewhat consistent..) but I trust these people about as far as I can throw them. IMO most of their "predictions" come from cold reading and astrological charts, like the one provided; some of the teachers back at my school could have guessed some of the things he said with ease.

Point no. 2 being..these people have a way about them that convinces you that they know what they're talking about (which, with astrologers, turns out to be YOU); charisma, I guess. And to me that's dangerous. I pride myself on a clear mind and sharp understanding of my agenda; people like these can cloud that, or even take it away. Not to mention I have an instinctive wariness of anybody who tells me how I am, or should be, feeling. Double that for people who make it sound like sage advice.

RB18's log of random realizations - brainiac3397 - 03-14-2017 02:08 PM

Astrology? I'm laughing so hard, I might be able to power an entire city for a year.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 03-14-2017 10:09 PM

whats funny is when your Muslim in-laws bring something up that is just complete Indian superstition based on nothing.

American white people do some of the same crap too to be fair.

RB18's log of random realizations - brainiac3397 - 03-15-2017 09:35 AM

What's worse than cultural superstition? Cultural superstition backed by religious belief.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 03-15-2017 12:41 PM

whats funny is that jinn possession is a thing in Islam, one of the ways to protect yourself is to develop your intelligence and integrity. wouldn't you know it, people who prefer to recite a bunch of Qur'an for their kids to fix their kid's possession have also raised them very poorly...

RB18's log of random realizations - brainiac3397 - 03-16-2017 10:36 AM

My mother is obsessed with the idea of jinn and the evil eye. Some unexpected shit happens, and suddenly it's a jinnspiracy or somebody's evil eye.

I'm just like:

* brainiac3397 facepalm

and then she accuses of me being an atheist, which is ironic because I'm quite firm in my belief even if my practice isn't particularly on par. Islam doesn't reject logic or science.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 03-17-2017 02:04 AM

I believe that people have power, like that charisma thing I mentioned. I don't believe in astrology, or god, etc. That sort of thing has power because people think it does.
All religions are fair, just, etc. on paper. Its a whole different thing in reality.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 03-25-2017 08:54 PM

Quote:Once upon a time, I used to enjoy physics, chemistry, history.... I used to borrow books from upperclassmen and read through them, often instead of my own 'studies'. All my enthusiasm drained out when I was forced to 'study' them, not to satisfy my own curiosity but to prove to some external authority that I 'learned'.

I can barely remember that time...or the kind of person I used to be. But I do remember what that spark feels like.

It has become pretty clear by now that if there is something I want to learn, attending a formal class or lecture is the worst way to actually learn it, because being forced to do X at a certain time every day regardless of how I feel, or what I want to do will murder any enthusiasm for that subject pretty quickly. It happened with German, with Science-in general, with Taekwondo, with computer programming, with fucking exercise and eating,with piano....though, piano is "recovering", I guess.

According to the Turds, this is the only way to learn anything, ever. My proficiency in English disagrees- because of my reading habit, it's the one thing they never had to look into, and I avoided essay competitions, debates, etc. like the plague.

So, what should I do if there is something I want to learn?

1: Do not tell the Turds, or let them know in any way. Ever.
2: Use the internets to gain an understanding of the subject.
3: Practice and develop my skills on my own. Or, if I can find help, do that; again, the Turds must not know.

Things I have learned so far in this way include piano (via online tutorials), macrame, other arts and crafts, etc.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 04-01-2017 01:07 AM

in the context of my wife's (Indian) family, the fact that they frequently want her to spend a week in Chicago with the kids while I work downstate with my whole family gone from my house. wife doesn't like this either. i said

"Your presence is a reminder that they can still control you and that makes them feel better"

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 04-06-2017 01:33 AM

(04-01-2017 01:07 AM)the Analogist Wrote:  in the context of my wife's (Indian) family, the fact that they frequently want her to spend a week in Chicago with the kids while I work downstate with my whole family gone from my house. wife doesn't like this either. i said

"Your presence is a reminder that they can still control you and that makes them feel better"

I don't know the circumstances, but this does sound like something Indians (in general) do.

Also, this is probably quite late, but yay for inter-religion and inter-national marriage Biggrin

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 04-06-2017 01:39 AM

actually we're both Muslim

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 04-25-2017 11:15 PM

Turdette's version of caring is this: push, push, push, push, ad infinitum.
She pushes her care onto people whether they want it or not. And often, the best way to shut her up is a solid boot to the face or an electric fence.
It's horrible. She has no idea when to leave people or situations alone.

So your kid doesn't want to eat? Force feed them till they cry at the sight of roti-sabji!
Doesn't want to go out? Won't tell you what's wrong? Nag at them until you get a water bottle to the head!

She literally hounds people till they snap.And this is her "caring". Ugh.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 05-14-2017 03:49 AM

I found a nice phrase today: "emotional contagion".

Quote:In my work as a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy and relationships, and in my own life journey, I've learned that one of the greatest forecasters of a happy life is the ability to surround oneself with loving, compassionate, generous people who appreciate you (albeit imperfectly!) for who you are.

I've also seen that the reverse is true: the more we surround ourselves with unempathic, self-involved, manipulative people, the more painful our lives become.


Quote:Decades of research
Submitted by Anonymous A on May 4, 2017 - 8:50pm
I can't understand why parents drag their babies and toddlers around to multiple adult activities all during the day, basically treating the infant or toddler like a purse or accessory.

Decades of research have shown that babies and toddlers do best with regular routines (regular feeding schedules, regular sleep and nap schedules) the opportunity for real eye-contact and real interactive face time with their loving, doting parent, with their parent focused on the child, not on a half-dozen other things, little ones need gentle physical activities, down time, snack time, all very regular and peaceful.

That's best for very tiny children.

Not being a piece of baggage, being strapped into a carrier for hours, irregular feedings and irregular changings, no real personal interaction with the parent, and being overstimulated for hours.

Babies aren't accessories. Toddlers are not accessories. They have specific needs.

If your toddler is having chronic meltdowns and eating problems and elimination problems and sleep problems, for petes sake, revise how you organize your child's day.

A comment on this article.

Quote: “Having pure intentions, steadfast goals, and an unwillingness to consider that you might be wrong is the formula for some of the worst evils mankind has ever wrought...” —Greg Lukianoff, Unlearning Liberty

Quote:We place too much emphasis on results when the only thing we can really control is the process.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 05-18-2017 02:13 PM

First: This article.

How Early Academic Training Retards Intellectual Development

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 05-24-2017 02:33 AM

Quote:I love myself. I am good at a whole bunch of different things. my parents neglected me, and in that sense I was partially unschooled. I knew who I was although part of that was affected by school. It wasn't until I overcame what I thought my final weakness was in college (majoring in my shittiest subject) that I really came together as an indomitable person. btw, it was a resident adviser in my dorm from whom I earned my real education.

In scenarios when people try to control or manipulate me, I shut them down with such speed and apathy that I am sure I come off as rude like hell to most people (trying to get something out of me). I typically talk inconsiderately because I'm just trying to say what I think it true and I don't give a damn about how it makes you feel for the most part. I've learned to be tactful, but my default state is just blunt force honesty.

So pretty much, nobody is going to walk over me, and nobody is going to make me feel like shit. moment to moment, shit happens, but big picture is that. My sense of who I am keeps me unconquerable.

I have heard that the kids who know that their parents love them no matter what are the hardest students to control. Well, support from your parents is just one form of strength with which to ground yourself, to help you feel certain about who you are. don't confuse the example for the exclusive cause; talents/hobbies, freedom, loving parents, or something else people might be missing.

It is not that you see the light at the end of the tunnel, its that you know YOU are going to make it. Why? Because you know you, and you know exactly how strong you are. These are the people school DOES NOT WANT TO PRODUCE.

IMO people who are trying to manipulate you or get something out of you deserve no mercy or regard for their feelings, because they're almost always trying to get something from you AGAINST YOUR WILL.

The Turds go in this category.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 05-26-2017 05:16 AM

Quote:Between 11 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word: "No!"

It's an ecstatic discovery. We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world. We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.

Our "No" is actually a big "Yes!"

It's an exuberant expression of our life force, our desire to find our place in the world.

After the first cute "No" or two, our parents are usually less than delighted. In fact, this developmental stage launches what's often called the "terrible twos." Our ecstatic expressions of primal life force aren't usually affirmed. Do you remember your father or mother saying:

"I love your independence and autonomy!"
"I see that you're learning to stand up for your own truth!"
"That strong inner compass will really help you throughout your life."
More common messages are along the lines of:

"Don't you dare talk back to me!"
"We'll nip this defiance in the bud!"
"She has to learn respect and obedience!"

There may be the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force. There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum. Unfortunately, emotional displays are the only way young children know to make their No heard.

Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No's. We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, and manipulation.

By the time we reach adulthood, we've often lost touch with our own needs and even our own inner compass. We find ourselves saying Yes even when we don't want to. We wish we could feel good about sticking up for ourselves, about saying No sometimes.

Quote:So when we have a child of our own and he begins to assert his autonomy with the word No, danger signs often flash inside us. We know that No is dangerous, even if we don't know why. We think we must teach him who's in charge, right away. Defiance from our child, whether two or twelve, is met with an emotional slap-down as we put him in his place.

Quote:But defiance isn't dangerous. Defiance is simply a sign that your child is having a problem. When we rush in with an iron fist, we don't address the real issue. Which might be that she feels you aren't listening. Or that she's really upset and needs your help to feel safe enough to cry. Or that she needs you to teach her how to express her needs and wants without attacking the other person.

Or maybe she's just unwilling to let herself be intimidated by someone bigger and more powerful—which is a sign of integrity.

If she's a tween or teen, that should make you rejoice. This is a child who thinks for herself!

Research shows that teens who are willing to stand up to their parents are also more likely to stand up to their peers.

After all, she could just lie to avoid a confrontation with you, which is what most teens do.

But you might also celebrate your child's willingness to stand up for his own truth even if he's a toddler. That's when the inner compass starts to take shape. He's telling you that he's not willing to give up what's important to him just because you're using force or intimidation. But if you prioritize connection, even strong-willed kids will work with you. When the connection is strong enough, they're willing to give up what they want to follow your lead.

To be honest, I was about to copy-paste the entire article in quotes here. Here's the source instead.

The main theme of this article can be summed up as, "Your child is a person, a mini-human being with his/her own rights and feelings. Respect that, and treat him/her as such." It's a good article by Laura Markham.

Here's another one. Source.

On a side note, this is exactly how Turdette's family treated me. I'd realized at an early age that they were toxic, wanted nothing to do with them, and was subsequently forced to spend days there by my loving mother.

Quote:Many of the ways we "guide" children are actually designed to provoke shame. That includes any negative judgment about:

Who the child is: "You'd lose your head if it wasn't glued on!"
What the child wants: "You just want more, more more! You have a whole room full of toys, isn't that enough for you?"
What the child feels: "You do not hate your brother; don't say such terrible things!"
What the child needs: "What? Are you a baby?! Don't you see I have enough to do taking care of your sister?"

Quote:"You love climbing! But the TV cabinet's not safe for climbing. Let's go outside where you can climb safely." What does the child learn? His impulse to climb is fine. Climbing onto the TV cabinet isn't safe. Climbing outside is fine. Mom and Dad can be relied on to guide him, and to help him switch gears. The child turns and climbs into the parent's arms. (This is probably not the first time he's heard this, so it takes great patience from the parent. But sooner or later, he hears their voice in his head as he begins climbing, and he stops. You might think of it as the beginning of conscience, and self-discipline.)

What if, instead, the parent said: "You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?" What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different, he's not good enough the way he is.

He hears the No. And he feels the mild shame that is the biological result of reining in his impulses. But now that shame is all mixed up with the feeling of being a bad boy who is trouble for his parents. He can't bear that feeling, so he climbs away from them, higher.

And an excellent blog as well: Aha!

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 05-27-2017 12:13 AM

i tell my kids they are only allowed to hit daddy. so even hitting isnt forbidden, just guided.

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 06-19-2017 06:53 PM

Quote:Toxic behavior doesn't just inflict a personal hurt. It assaults systemic well being. It generates stress and frustration at the crippling devaluation. It is deeply disturbing because, as it destabilizes us, it prompts us to believe, even for a moment, that it reflects how all others see us.

Just being around toxic behavior, to say nothing of being its target, makes people sick, says Porath. Chronic stress is linked to cardiovascular disease, insomnia, depressed immunity, and overeating. Toxic people not only harm others emotionally, they're a threat to health. And when toxic behavior takes hold in an environment, it turns everyone cynical.

The trouble is, it tends to be catching. Like all negative phenomena, it makes an outsize impact on the brain even if only witnessed. No sooner does one worker see a boss berating an underling than that employee finds herself replicating the behavior. In families, bad behavior can get passed from generation to generation as reliably as hair color. In personal relationships it is more insidiously woven through bonds of attachment.

And this thing.

I won't go into detail, but here's the summary:

Quote:On a scale of 0 to 100:
Substance Use Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder

Manic Episodes

Bipolar Disorder

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Panic Disorder

Panic Attacks

I'd expected the depression; not the PTSD, or anxiety. Yeowch.

RE: RB18's log of random realizations - the Analogist - 06-19-2017 11:51 PM

traumatic stress takes many forms

RB18's log of random realizations - Rule_BreakerXVIII - 06-20-2017 03:01 AM

And the problem is, I knew. I knew that abuse can (and often does) cause trauma. And anxiety.

And despite all that, some part of me was still going, "Nope! I'm fine, nothing to see here Biggrin", and I believed it. I hadn't applied that knowledge to myself. There's no way I'd believe such an obvious lie unless I wanted to.

This was like a wake-up call of sorts; I can't let my vigilance relax with my mental state, not really. If I start believing that "I'm OK! Nothing's wrong!" I may end up a Turd, or worse. Not to mention it conflicts with my personality and life philosophy to let such a serious wound fester (because holy shit 70 out of 100 on PTSD).